I'm 42 and DP has suddenly said he wants a baby.

[NameChangedForTheDay]

Hey all, NC for this one.

I've been with my DP for five years, we live together and we have a brilliant relationship. We've never once had an argument, we laugh every day and are a real team. That's not a stealth boast BTW! We just have a great life together and we love each other dearly. We have no DC from previous relationships.

We have our own circle of friends that we socialise with together, as well as giving each other space to have time with friends / hobbies alone. Our relationship works really well.

When we met, he said he was open to having kids, but it wasn't a burning urgency or need, he was happy to see how things pan out.

I told him from the start that I didn't really have any desire to get pregnant, but would love to adopt an older child, as my older brother was adopted and there's so many children desperate for a loving home and I've also a bit of a phobia of pregnancy and childbirth (which is a whole other thread!).

He was supportive of this and we've even been to adoption agency meetings to learn more and he seemed on board. Anyway, nothing's progressed, as we've had some family issues, including the death of my mum, which has been very hard.

Yesterday, we went to a toy shop to get gifts for his niece and nephew and there were obviously loads of families. I wistfully said I was getting broody (thinking to myself maybe we can look back into the adoption now) and asked him if he was. He said yes.

Last night, we were chatting and I asked if he really was feeling broody, as he's never said that word before. He conceded he was. I asked how come, he said he didn't know, he's just been feeling it strongly lately. He's 40 soon, so could be a factor. Plus some friends are having babies lately too.

I asked if we should explore adoption again and he said he's still not adverse to adoption, but was thinking we could try to have a baby together.

I'm not often speechless, but was after hearing this. He's always been supportive of the plans I had in mind when we met and he even said he wasn't bothered about our potential child not being a baby.

Now, as I say, I'm 42 (just turned). I've no idea if we are even fertile. I'm happy to try and get help for my phobias and if he really wants a baby, I'd definitely want to try for one with him. But if we try for a couple of years and it doesn't happen, I'm going to start to possibly be too old to adopt.

Another issue is affording a baby, my DP earns £20k and I'm on £47k, so I'm the breadwinner. He's climbing up his fairly new career ladder and his next job move will pay £30k+.

I might be overthinking it (my best mate says you can never afford a baby), but how will we survive if I'm off work? There is a the possibility of him staying at home while I return to work. Also, I've just spent ALL our savings on major home improvements and we have a £200k mortgage too.

To compound matters, I've no family, so no support network. Majority of our friends don't have kids, so I've no idea how much childminders and nursery costs, therefore, no idea where to start number crunching.

My best friend said I'm looking into this too deeply, but I think we'd be mad to look at starting a family with no plan in place.

Am I over thinking this, or am I being sensible? Where do we start with planning this?

Also, am I too old? Realistically, I wouldn't want to start trying until next year anyway.

Would love your thoughts. x

Oh and don’t worry about finances. You’ll just have to go back to work earlier but it’ll be fine

As a Mum of 2 (I'm in my late twenties) I am looking forward to enjoying my 40s with older children. The thought of having a baby at that age brings me out in a cold sweat.

My sister just had a surprise baby at age 46! It is possible. Go for it before it's too late. If it doesn't happen then go down the adoption route. Good luck.

NRTFT, but I had mine at 39 and 41. One is now in uni and the other will be soon. It's been fine. If you want to have a child give it a go.

@NameChangedForTheDay

Oh hell no. I would NOT be having a baby at 42. Not in a million years.

No. WAY.

For sooo many reasons!

Get him a hamster!

These kind of threads are always littered with people coming on saying they or their friend/cousin/aunt/neighbour/colleague/whatever had a baby at 43, then one at 46, then one at 49, and it was all fine and dandy, and they are soooooo happy, they had no problems with the pregnancy or the birth, and they and their hubby (now in their mid 50s,) are sooooooo content with their 3 kiddies aged 12, 9, 6, and the whole world is just a bowl of cherries.

In reality, having babies over 40, is risky, and bloody hard work. Your life will never be the same again, you will be CONSTANTLY tired, and won't get a lie-in for a LONG time. And get ready for the school-run, school politics, school-gate mafia, parents evening, sports day, school plays, and the multiple 1000s that this sprog will cost you, in school uniforms, school trips, clothes, toys, and all they shit the need and want. Also, get used to rarely being able to do what YOU want, or go where you want, as sproglet will always take priority over everything.

Then when you want to wind down with a glass of wine, and enjoy the late Autumn years in your life, (coming up to 60,) you will have a teenager, and have to deal with all the shit that entails, including putting them through uni, forking out to support them, and running them up and down to uni, (probably 100s of miles!)

Nah, don't do it!

42 is not old.

42 IS too old to have a baby.

After going through peri/menopause I couldn't have coped with a child as well, I'd think long and hard because as often as you are told how hard something will be, you can never imagine it until you live it. Children are hard work! They change your life and relationships and I often think that it is harder when you've lived your life for yourself for so long.

I also had a seriously ill child when they were two; it took every ounce of strength to cope with it and I was in my late twenties then.

That being said, if you do decide to go for it then I wish you all the best. Sorry to be the voice of doom, but it's worth bearing in mind that children bring heartache and stress as well as love and happiness. ;)

This is just another perspective so please don't take it the wrong way but children quite often change marriages and not always in a positive way. Our DC changed ours so much. My experience is a bit different as one of our DC has a health condition that is exhausting at times. Life together was so easy before - it was amazing. Not so much now due to the extra stresses, strains and general lack of sleep although we are still together battling on and I wouldn't change being a mother but I just didn't realise how hard it would be. I thought we were as solid as a rock and could handle anything.

A lot of children who are adopted have complex needs, including lots of emotional support. It’s def not an easy option and you don’t always know what those needs are until they are placed with you.

42 is late to start trying for your own baby. If you want to do that I’d start straight away. It likely won’t be as easy to fall pregnant in your 40’s as it would have been in your 20’s and 30’s. I think women are lulled into delaying starting a family but in reality our bodies are designed to reproduce between 18-30 in an ideal world! Social and economic factors are leading women to delay into their late 30’s early 40’s. This then can result in difficulty conceiving, higher chance of disabilities, miscarriages etc.

I wouldn’t want to be parenting a teen in my 60’s. I had my kids at 27,30,33, I couldn’t do it now, it’s exhausting.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

I would TTC for a couple of years & if that is unsuccessful consider adoption again.

I had DS at 39 & I found the first year the hardest as I am much better on a decents night sleep. DS is now at secondary school & this is probably my favourite stage so far. He's increasingly independent, his personality formed but a few years from leaving home yet.

Almost all my close friends had their children between 37 & 45. All were lucky enough to conceive naturally & all the children are healthy. Only one friend also stopped at one child.

I don't know how it was for your brother but a friend has just had to support her adopted son getting to know his biological mum as it was his wish to rebuild that relationship. It's been very hard.

So many women are having children later these days. Tons of my friends have only just had their first at around 40. One of my friend just had her first (IVF) at 44. You certainly won't be the oldest mum in the world. Go for it. If you want a baby, why not. Just be prepared that it may be harder due to your age. If you'd be equally happy with adoption then you won't be too hung up on conceiving naturally.

Obvious anecdata, but I had my only child at 42 after suddenly thinking it would be a good idea. All went really smoothly with pregnancy and delivery, but the second time I fell PG (at 45) I miscarried at 10 weeks and peri-meno kicked in soon after.

Our baby is now 20 and has been generally good fun all along, though the experience has not been without its highs and lows. We've made errors, of course, and child has been indulged which might have been avoided with a second to share the bounty, but still turned out polite, hardworking and fairly balanced. The hardest time came when DH was seriously ill and he has needed several operations, but we are currently in decent health in our 60s.

None of us knows what's ahead. Good luck OP, whatever you decide.

I'm having an IVF pregnancy at 45, older adoption is really hard as the kids will have multiple problems and quite likely behaviour issues. phobias are not overcome likely. IVF has cost us 20k and childcare alone is 1k a month
I would personally would urge adoption as there are older kids who really need you you Would be doing such a good thing with your life, but that's easy for me to say it would take over your life, reading some honest books on the subject might help.

Why don't you just start from the beginning? Go see your GP, have the blood tests and see where you are exactly in terms of fertility. Pop to a gym, they all do a quick physical assessment nowadays as a part of induction. Put together a financial plan on the paper to get a visual idea of how things will go. Once all this is in place, sit down with your partner, discuss all the hard fact pros and cons and take it from there.

And for what it's worth, I don't think any age is the wrong age to have a baby. It's what works for you and your partner. My friends who had their babies in the 20's were all knackered and stressed out with no spare money to do anything. I was out clubbing every weekend and done two long travelling trips around the world. I wouldn't change it for anything. I had my first daughter at 34 and am now expecting a second at 37. It can be tough but we make it work! Age is just a number IMO....

Oh and I thought I'd be the oldest mum at the school gate but I don't stand out at all, it is a middle class's, working mum area do there are all in their 40's

It's clear from your posts you're desperate to be a mum. Seriously you have to start ttc straight away given your age, each month is now crucial for you. If no luck after 6 months go see your GP, have all the tests done and then consider your options, adoption etc. Good luck x

Also, we have no family nearby, it's completely doable.

I think some of what you have posted is disingenuous.

Your DP didn't "suddenly" drop a "bombshell," you asked him a leading question ("I am feeling broody. Are you?") followed by a lot more leading questions. It wasn't he who started the conversation, it was you and it reads like you pushed and pushed.

You make a lot of your fantastic child free lifestyle then go on to say that you are "desperate to be a mother," which is really not in the OP at all.

I think this is a case of " the lady doth protest too much," i think it's you who have suddenly changed your mind at the 11th hour, you've got him to agree but want to blame him in case it turns out to be the wrong decision.

Not that the above is a terrible thing or anything, but it sticks out a mile to me. I got pregnant accidentally at 42 and all was fine and I didn't have any less energy than when I had the older ones, so hopefully you will have the same experience - best of luck

Working in mental health I can honestly say that adopting an older child is such a huge undertaking that a new baby may be .more manageable ! We live in a time where the threshold for removal of children is so high that the chances of adopting a child without complex emotional/psychological needs is so low. Common issues I see are school refusal, violence, childhood sexual exploitation, drugs, poor choices around friends. Most of these children will have had experiences most of us cant imagine. At a personal level a friend of mine adopted 3 siblings aged 4,6 and 7( 20years ago) Social services were not honest about their experiences (this may have changed over the years), she is now divorced one dc is in prison, two had teenage pregnancies and never completed school and have substance misuse issues. Social services are now involved with the new children.

I second all of the suggestions to go straight for a full fertility work up before making any decisions.

At 40+ your GP can refer you very quickly if you don’t want to pay private.

I think you might have been doing the same as my older sister and two friends.
They didn’t get into stable relationships until 36+. So each is telling themselves a different version of the “oh I’m not that fussed” story for fear of trying and failing. It makes sense but I couldn’t have been happier when one of my friends finally admitted she was desperate, got a referral at 40 and had her 1% chance miracle baby at 41.

My cousin was 42 when she had her first and only child. This was 22 years ago and has gone very well as an end result.

I conceived around my 44th birthday, he is off to uni in six weeks. Of course it is doable. I have spoken to ladies whose mums had babies at 48, before the pill, 47k salary yes nursery fees are also doable, ring one in your area and ask for rates.

You would be amazed how many senior mums stand at the school gates, women are having babies later again. In my case two in their early twenties, then the third as I waved the second off to uni.

I did have extra tests and a private amnio. for speed, nothing was untoward.

I'd go for it, I think you have a chance still (hopefully fertility wise) and I'm sure once baby is here you will both think we should have done this earlier

If you can't bear the thought of not being a mum - get shagging.....tonight!

I'd stop contraception, if I was you. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, you can have pressed on with adoption in the meantime.

I wouldn't wait until next year - you're wasting extremely valuable time. If you can't adopt, for whatever reason, and you struggle to get pregnant, you'll really wish you'd started as soon as you agreed that you both want to do it.