I'm 42 and DP has suddenly said he wants a baby.

[NameChangedForTheDay]

Hey all, NC for this one.

I've been with my DP for five years, we live together and we have a brilliant relationship. We've never once had an argument, we laugh every day and are a real team. That's not a stealth boast BTW! We just have a great life together and we love each other dearly. We have no DC from previous relationships.

We have our own circle of friends that we socialise with together, as well as giving each other space to have time with friends / hobbies alone. Our relationship works really well.

When we met, he said he was open to having kids, but it wasn't a burning urgency or need, he was happy to see how things pan out.

I told him from the start that I didn't really have any desire to get pregnant, but would love to adopt an older child, as my older brother was adopted and there's so many children desperate for a loving home and I've also a bit of a phobia of pregnancy and childbirth (which is a whole other thread!).

He was supportive of this and we've even been to adoption agency meetings to learn more and he seemed on board. Anyway, nothing's progressed, as we've had some family issues, including the death of my mum, which has been very hard.

Yesterday, we went to a toy shop to get gifts for his niece and nephew and there were obviously loads of families. I wistfully said I was getting broody (thinking to myself maybe we can look back into the adoption now) and asked him if he was. He said yes.

Last night, we were chatting and I asked if he really was feeling broody, as he's never said that word before. He conceded he was. I asked how come, he said he didn't know, he's just been feeling it strongly lately. He's 40 soon, so could be a factor. Plus some friends are having babies lately too.

I asked if we should explore adoption again and he said he's still not adverse to adoption, but was thinking we could try to have a baby together.

I'm not often speechless, but was after hearing this. He's always been supportive of the plans I had in mind when we met and he even said he wasn't bothered about our potential child not being a baby.

Now, as I say, I'm 42 (just turned). I've no idea if we are even fertile. I'm happy to try and get help for my phobias and if he really wants a baby, I'd definitely want to try for one with him. But if we try for a couple of years and it doesn't happen, I'm going to start to possibly be too old to adopt.

Another issue is affording a baby, my DP earns £20k and I'm on £47k, so I'm the breadwinner. He's climbing up his fairly new career ladder and his next job move will pay £30k+.

I might be overthinking it (my best mate says you can never afford a baby), but how will we survive if I'm off work? There is a the possibility of him staying at home while I return to work. Also, I've just spent ALL our savings on major home improvements and we have a £200k mortgage too.

To compound matters, I've no family, so no support network. Majority of our friends don't have kids, so I've no idea how much childminders and nursery costs, therefore, no idea where to start number crunching.

My best friend said I'm looking into this too deeply, but I think we'd be mad to look at starting a family with no plan in place.

Am I over thinking this, or am I being sensible? Where do we start with planning this?

Also, am I too old? Realistically, I wouldn't want to start trying until next year anyway.

Would love your thoughts. x

@TeenTimesTwo Oh I didn't consider that. Thank you.

If you're 42 you need to go for it straight away. I think the chances of a successful pregnancy are already lower than they would have been even 2 years ago. Having said that, an assisted pregnancy may well be possible if it doesn't happen naturally. I've no idea if or how much you'd have to pay for that- I d research that quickly as I think it varies area to area.

I had DS3 at 41- and I don't think I found it harder or more tiring than I did for more my other pregnancies in my mid 30's. I did hit menopause whilst he was hitting puberty, but it was ok.
If you want a baby, I'd say it's perfectly manageable in your forties. To be blunt, you don't have time to worry about the finances- I'm sure you can make it work.
Depends where you are living but in some areas of London, for example, you would by no means be the oldest mum in the playground!

I would go for it and I would start trying now.

The most expensive cost is childcare (or lost wages if you/DP works PT or SAHP). Full time nursery fees are usually round £1000 a month (usually around £50 per day), bit less for childminder, but less reliable. It's a lot but it's only for a few years until they start to get free nursery hours.

200k mortgae is, what, £900 a month? That, plus childcare, plus council tax etc would probably take up most of your wages, but you still have DP's wage. It will just be a bit tighter for a few years.

You earn plenty enough money between you to more than manage.

Although just taking a month off and then the baby's father taking leave/ becoming a sahd works for some couples you absolutely must not rely on doing that unless you live in some godforsaken misogonistic country without proper maternity protection and have no choice.

Childbirth varies enormously from woman to woman and birth to birth, while some women feel fine within hours and suffer no injuries others will have major abdominal surgery which if no baby was involved would automatically entail 6 weeks off work just to recover. Other birth injuries can entail far longer periods of serious disfunction, repeated surgery to repair damage etc. If you decide to breastfeed you will still be getting very little sleep at 4 weeks because it's too early to hand night feeds over, and keeping breastfeeding going if you go back to full time work at 4 weeks is highly unlikely. Not to mention the fact 4 weeks maternity leave might mean a 3 week old baby or in the worst case scenario a baby under 2 weeks old - you can't usually work past your due date but can go two weeks overdue, and lots of first labours are 48 hours + from induction to delivery.

Not to scare you, but to point out that the best laid plans can go awry when childbirth is involved.

I say to go for it too. Afterall, you really want to be a mum. I think the details will take care of themselves.

Maybe go to see your GP and find out anything you need to know.

But, I would start trying soon. If you wait, you might miss your chance.

Why did you name change out of curiosity?

Btw, your title invites confirmation bias. That and Mumsnet's older first-time parent demographic (on average) means you will get a lot of posters saying 'I had babies in my 40s it was fine'. It is fabulous that it works for some people but it is also lucky.

A look at the fertility boards - there's always an over-40s thread, will tell you more from the other side of that story.

Don't let the fact that some people have successful pregnancies in their 40s give you the impression that this will be the case for you. Anecdotes are not statistics.

On the positive side, a lot of people struggling to conceive when older, have been struggling for years and this affects the stats too. People who've never tried and might have conceived and sustained a pregnancy easily when younger, might not find it as hard as the average suggests when older. You just don't yet know what starting position you're in.

Adoption is no picnic, these children need special care and many are v damaged. It's not like years ago when single parents and others were encouraged to give up children.
You can ttc it might happen quick, if not you would still be eligible to apply to adopt or foster an older child

Your OP is written like you are ambivalent at best by having your own child and then later on you say you are desperate to be a mum?

You need to be 100% sure.

I have just turned 42 and we are ttc our second.
I had my first at 41, and it took 8 months to conceive naturally.
If you do conceive, I would recommend paying for a serenity/harmony test. This is a blood test and looks for Downs, Edwards and Pataus. It is over 99% effective.
You would be under consultant care and have extra scans. This is a good thing. You would probably be induced around your due date.
Pregnancy: start taking folic acid now. You'll need 5mg if you are overweight.
Eliminate alcohol and cut right down on the junk food. Look at controlling gestational diabetes through diet and try to follow this food plan. You'll be tested for gd probably around 20 odd weeks.
Get exercise. It's best to start now so you can continue through pregnancy... It isn't recommended to start new exercise when pregnant.
I didn't face any negativity because of my age. The doctor told me he had seen many women who were older. There are risk factors, of course.
Our ds, born at the end of December, is absolutely perfect. It is totally manageable.
My husband is incredibly supportive and we are in lots of groups. I've never felt less socially isolated in my life!
Money... Babies don't need as much as you think. You would manage, especially if your partner split leave with you.
You can never predict what will happen in thr future. People can have babies young and get ill or die. It is horrible, but true. Get life insurance and plan for who would look after your child if the worst happened.
Motherhood is the very best thing to have happened to me.

Okay. Thanks everyone.

So in summary.

DP and I are in agreement that we both want to be parents. Great!

He's happy to adopt, but has it in his head that he wants a baby all of a sudden.

I want to adopt, but not against TTC now it's been discussed.

Time isn't on our side and he would likely be the SAHP if we had a baby.

I'm definitely thinking adoption is the better option still, but of course there's no guarantee we will be approved.

You've given us plenty the discuss and made me look at things differently. Thank you everyone.

As long as you really want it for yourself ( not him) then do it. Money and time will sort themselves out. Pls try not to let it get to you if it doesn't happen.(I think it will though. Plenty of women get preg ant in their 40s) Adoption is still a wonderful idea.

If you want a child and so does your partner then I would go for it. You should be aware of the toll it will take on you mentally and physically, it is harder as you get older. You would be a parent of a teenager in your 50s. Plus you have potentially got used to a child free environment, going and doing what you want, with a baby this will change as the baby's needs will take over. Also, having very little in terms of a support system will make things
more difficult but you can find friends that become your support system so I wouldn't worry about this too much. I would start saving for maternity leave and childcare fees now, both of you should be looking at this. In addition, I would have a frank discussion with your partner about childcare how it will be arranged and how you will share chores etc. If you want a child then all of these obstacles can be faced and dealt with, it is good that you are going into this with your eyes wide open. Best of luck x

Sounds to me like your financial and work situations are not really that problematic. Are you sure you are not falling back on these as reasons to delay because they are concrete things that are easy to talk about?

What you really need to address is whether you want to have a baby and under what circumstances.

Will you, or DP, or no-one take extended time off work? How will you deal with your concerns about pregnancy/childbirth (hypnobirthing classes? ELCS is not a mad idea at your age either? Doesn't necessarily matter what your plan is but you need to be OK with it). If you decide to go for it and then it doesn't happen is it going to take over your life? Might your relationship suffer if you don't go for it?

I'd say if you want to have a baby you should probably start sooner than next year. Obvioulsy only you know if you really really need to delay but again ask yourself if you are just using practicalities as an excuse to put off the decision.

I had my third at 36, as my husband was adamant he didn’t want a third, then literally woke up one morning and said let’s do it! Honestly, if he’s said the same when we were 42, I would have gone ahead with it. Your friend is right in a way, you can never really ‘afford’ a child, but you’re right to plan financially. Best of luck in whatever you decide.

Would you want to have your own baby and an adopted child? If you would then TTC and moving ahead with adoption make sense, the only worry would be if you can give enough time to the adopted child. I don't think you see adoption as just a back-up plan, so it's worth continuing down that path.

There are higher risks of everything (infertility, miscarriage, genetic conditions etc) at 42, but there is still a higher chance that you would have a healthy baby than not. I'm an older mum and while having a baby is tiring, I don't think it's less tiring for many of the young mums I know, babies just don't all sleep. Having an established home and relationship really helps, plus you don't feel like you missed out on going out because you're both just into a new phase of babies. Some of your friends might surprise you by having their own kids too. Childcare is the big cost, £15-20k/yr, but you can reduce that if you both go part-time (e.g. your DH down to 3 days and you down to 4 days, then just 2 days of childcare), it depends on what your basic minimum other costs are because you'd only need to cover that up to age 5 when everything gets much cheaper. I'd try to plan on a minimum 4 months off, less than that is too taxing when your body is recovering and you just want to be with your baby. You can get an awful lot of baby and kid stuff very cheaply secondhand on Facebook marketplace, so it's worth looking.

I also agree you should start TTC now though if you want a baby, no waiting.

@OliviaBenson I disagree. I've always said I wanted to adopt and had actually started to explore it when I was single, before I met my DP. I just never had a desire to be pregnant and know if love a child regardless of if it was adopted, it biologically mine.

@Missingstreetlife I'm aware that most children up for adoption have been taken from their parents due to neglect and abuse, the agency explained this in great detail. I understand it's no picnic.

@lottiegarbanzo Thank you. Good points.

@Lovemenorca I NC as some of my recent posts contains photos and situations that are very outing and if any of my friends, or family are on here, I wouldn't want them knowing our business at this stage.

Everyone else, thank you for your helpful input.

I would caution you to be very realistic about your chances of a successful first pregnancy at 42.

I don't want to be the voice of doom, I had my one and only at 40 without any help and she is an absolute peach, but it is not an easy path. We also have very little support, all of our friends' kids are much older and independent, and we are dealing with very elderly parents who are beginning to need a lot of input which is demanding with a young child.

There will be lots of posters saying that they know someone who popped a couple out in their late forties with no issues, but they are very much the exception to the rule. I live in an area crawling with older mothers, but the vast majority had some medical assistance.

I conceived again twice when my dd was a toddler and lost both pregnancies - one due to Patau Syndrome, it was very tough. Your egg quality at 42 is really not reliable, my s-i-l had to use an egg donor.

Having said that, it does happen for some people, but just be realistic about the chances of success and maybe have a cut off point. Good luck if you do decide to go for it!

Life has a way of working itself out, if you want to and he wants to then go for it. Whether that be through adoption or pregnancy. The one thing that a child needs is love and if you can give it then why not.

As other have said, DO NOT WAIT if you want one. Every minute counts. His fertility (and sperm quality) is declining as well. I know numerous people in their late 40's that have adopted children through social services, so don't think age is an issue if you want to try having one naturally first. But if you do, start now! Unfortunately, time is ticking, so springing this on you this late in the game doesn't give you a lot of time to reflect on something so lifechanging.

Having read your most recent post, I'm not sure that you've fully appreciated how difficult it will be if you do adopt an older child. Your posts suggest that you think adopting and looking after an older child will be easier and less disruptive than having a baby. This is really not the case. You'll be caring for a child who's behaviour could make them very difficult to love, with lots of baggage and quite possibly ongoing contact with very damaged people. Many adoptions of older children break down, causing the child even more anguish. Again, I think you need to research the realities of adoption before making a decision.

In your shoes, I’d start trying ASAP. I’d also mention that if you don’t have luck naturally, you could also go through IVF with a donor egg and your partner’s sperm.

Financially, babies are a big change. However, your partner could stay with the baby if you wanted to go back to work soon after. And generally, it’s good to have savings but other than that people just work things out.

I am an older Mum. I was terrified of childbirth before getting pregnant. My fears subsided luckily. I had horrible pregnancy sickness but giving birth was relatively OK. Unlike sickness there are lots of good things as well as bad things about it - it's hard but also amazing!

I wasn't sure if I wanted kids (less sure than you by the sound of it!) but I'm so far very glad I did. Professionally I've found being an older Mum OK as I have a strong network and it's given me more flexibility than I would have had when I was younger. But if you can't afford to take an extended leave then you need to think about how you would feel about your DP taking on that role instead. Although if you adopted one of you would probably also need to take significant time out?

We had friends in our NCT group who conceived just after they successfully adopted. It was very intense for them, as they had adopted an 18m old, so all the baby stuff was completely new to them. On the plus side she was a similar age to you and it meant that they had their family suddenly fully formed! Kind of like having twins I guess - you're front loading all the work. She was also the main breadwinner in their family but I think had an employer with a good mat leave policy so I think she went back after 6 months or so (I went back at 7 months and found that fine).

Given your ages, would you consider restarting the adoption process and then seeing what happens on conception? I don't know enough about the adoption process to know if that's a no-no (our friends weren't trying - they'd been trying to conceive naturally and through IVF for years without success).

You can't adopt if you are TTC, I think there is even a time limit on couples who have fertility treatment, they have to have finished treatment a fair while before they can begin the adoption process.