I'm 42 and DP has suddenly said he wants a baby.

[NameChangedForTheDay]

Hey all, NC for this one.

I've been with my DP for five years, we live together and we have a brilliant relationship. We've never once had an argument, we laugh every day and are a real team. That's not a stealth boast BTW! We just have a great life together and we love each other dearly. We have no DC from previous relationships.

We have our own circle of friends that we socialise with together, as well as giving each other space to have time with friends / hobbies alone. Our relationship works really well.

When we met, he said he was open to having kids, but it wasn't a burning urgency or need, he was happy to see how things pan out.

I told him from the start that I didn't really have any desire to get pregnant, but would love to adopt an older child, as my older brother was adopted and there's so many children desperate for a loving home and I've also a bit of a phobia of pregnancy and childbirth (which is a whole other thread!).

He was supportive of this and we've even been to adoption agency meetings to learn more and he seemed on board. Anyway, nothing's progressed, as we've had some family issues, including the death of my mum, which has been very hard.

Yesterday, we went to a toy shop to get gifts for his niece and nephew and there were obviously loads of families. I wistfully said I was getting broody (thinking to myself maybe we can look back into the adoption now) and asked him if he was. He said yes.

Last night, we were chatting and I asked if he really was feeling broody, as he's never said that word before. He conceded he was. I asked how come, he said he didn't know, he's just been feeling it strongly lately. He's 40 soon, so could be a factor. Plus some friends are having babies lately too.

I asked if we should explore adoption again and he said he's still not adverse to adoption, but was thinking we could try to have a baby together.

I'm not often speechless, but was after hearing this. He's always been supportive of the plans I had in mind when we met and he even said he wasn't bothered about our potential child not being a baby.

Now, as I say, I'm 42 (just turned). I've no idea if we are even fertile. I'm happy to try and get help for my phobias and if he really wants a baby, I'd definitely want to try for one with him. But if we try for a couple of years and it doesn't happen, I'm going to start to possibly be too old to adopt.

Another issue is affording a baby, my DP earns £20k and I'm on £47k, so I'm the breadwinner. He's climbing up his fairly new career ladder and his next job move will pay £30k+.

I might be overthinking it (my best mate says you can never afford a baby), but how will we survive if I'm off work? There is a the possibility of him staying at home while I return to work. Also, I've just spent ALL our savings on major home improvements and we have a £200k mortgage too.

To compound matters, I've no family, so no support network. Majority of our friends don't have kids, so I've no idea how much childminders and nursery costs, therefore, no idea where to start number crunching.

My best friend said I'm looking into this too deeply, but I think we'd be mad to look at starting a family with no plan in place.

Am I over thinking this, or am I being sensible? Where do we start with planning this?

Also, am I too old? Realistically, I wouldn't want to start trying until next year anyway.

Would love your thoughts. x

@BeardofZeus good point. We could start the adoption ball rolling. It will take at least a year until approved. Then there's time waiting for a child to be matched. So could TTC in the interim, once finances are looked at.

@ineedaholidaynow Only 6 weeks full pay maternity band SMP after that. Which is quite a wage cut.

@SinkGirl thanks for your advice and the financials.

@Shouldbedoing

Thank you, I'd factored in the 6 months after adopting, then again the child is at school age. With a baby, I'm wondering who can for it before school age.

I would draw up a budget before you go ahead and 'model' different scenarios (i.e. you home for 6 months, vs you off for 6 weeks then DH home for 6 months more...etc).

Babies are probably more expensive than older kids. At least they are/were for us. Nursery here is £1,400 a month, maternity pay isn't always great. Then if you're both full time there will be breakfast club and aftercare, before hobbies, saving for university etc etc. Probably not impossible on your wages but only you know your financial commitments so I would get going with a spreadsheet.

I'm interested you have a particular reticence surrounding giving birth to a bio baby vs. adoption. Age concerns aside, I do think that if you're considering adoption a lot of the same considerations will need to be made. It will be harder with no family support, being a mother can be isolating, and one of you will probably need to take time off and/or reduce hours as settling an older child can potentially be as challenging as having a newborn, especially if they have had very hard lives up until now. It is such a brave and lovely thing to do, though.

Re: your age, I know people who had kids late thirties who describe their bodies as 'knackered', and those who did early 40s who said it was fine. I think it depends on how fit, healthy and lucky you are. Some pregnancies are harder than ever. I had my first super, super young and now I'm (somewhat reluctantly and surprisingly) pregnant with my second. I'm only 29 but I'm bloody dying. The nausea, exhaustion. I can barely function at work or at home and I'm absolutely miserable. With DD I didn't even notice I was pregnant until 16 weeks and breezed through the whole thing full of energy.

*harder than others

If you want a baby start on the pre-natal vitamins start trying now. You are in a good relationship, both solvent and capable. Be open and honest with each other and flexible about what happens afterwards as what best for you two don't have to be what others do. Perhaps you will both go part-time, or he will stay at home, or change career. It's all unknown and all possible if you talk to each other.

I honestly wouldn’t even go there at 42. There is a whole heap of pain just waiting for you if you try to conceive your first child at 42.

I would say go for it! Life is too short!

I had two sons very young (19/22) and then two more at 29/32 and yes money is a factor but don't let it put you off.

My DH would love another baby too!!

@anothernotherone TTC wouldn't take over my life. I'd genuinely be of the opinion that if it happens, it happens, if it doesn't, it doesn't.

@MissBPotter Looking to wait until next year as my 2 year contract at work ends next summer and I won't know if I'm going to be permanent until closer to the time.

If you both really want one, go to a private fertility clinic and get yourselves checked out, now.

Obvs start trying naturally too but, if you have no useful eggs or sperm, better to know sooner than later. Also, if you have a small but just useable supply of eggs now, you might well not in 6 months or a year's time, so you'd have the option to go down an assisted route now, while it might still work for you. After a year of trying naturally, it could well be too late for that.

You have no time to waste. Look at the stats - plummeting fertility, rocketing problems (including miscarriage, which is a massive time-waster). I think about 2 in 5 women over 40 who try to conceive, succeed (including with interventions, which are also far less likely to be successful over 40). You might be lucky, you might well not - however much you both want it, whatever you're willing to try.

Good luck.

I've known a couple of women who didn't take maternity leave so much as took a month off to have the baby then gonstraught back to work. It's doable, but full time nursery fees will be very expensive. A nanny might be more doable for you both fee wise, but if your partner stays at home that's his career obviously out the window pretty much unless he also goes back part time. Also don't forget, a baby, depending on the "kind"of baby you may have (high needs is pretty exhausting and utterly time consuming for example), can change completely the previously amazing relationship between two people. And zero supoort network compounds that.

Do consider the increased risk of genetic conditions. Not saying this is necessarily a reason to rule it out but it's worth considering how you feel about it (and a possible reason not to wait, if you do go for it.

Here's the risk of Down's Syndrome by age - note this is age when baby is at term rather than age when conceiving:

www.nhs.uk/conditions/downs-syndrome/causes/

www.niftytest.com/education-hub/apps/maternal-age-risk-calculator-step-1/

I don't think you are too old to have a baby but perhaps think about further down the line? I am 52 and have a son and daughter of 15 and 16. I have developed health problems which I have been advised to work less hours or ideally give up work for but I can't afford too. I still have the uni years to get through and I spend most of my life when not at work driving them from one activity to another (we live rural). I am in constant pain. My eldest son is disabled but because I had him much earlier I am hoping he will be a pensioner before I have to give up caring for him so he will be cared for by the system. When I had my last child at 37 I was very healthy and did not imagine how I would be now. If she had been disabled I would have panicked at leaving her when she was so young plus would not have had the strength to lift her about when she was younger and coped with so little sleep for 10 years. Also I doubt I will be able to be the grandmother my children had, for my children or grandchildren which saddens me as my mum literally kept me afloat at times. Just something to consider going forward. However lots of people remain strong and healthy into their 60's and beyond so if you decide to do it I wish you luck.

I’m going to say this, just because I think it’s something you need to take into account. Women over 40 have a much higher chance of having a miscarriage. I’ve seen a close friend go through this and it nearly broke her. It was heartbreaking. So I do think you should consider how you’d both feel if that happened.

If it were me, I wouldn’t waste time. I would start TTC now but also start the adoption process. I don’t know a lot about it but I believe the assessment part takes several months. There’s no reason you can’t do that alongside TTC. Then see where you are in a few months time.

Menopause/peri and birth /baby potentially in the same 5 years- no thanks!!!!

There's no guarantees even with the adoption route. You say you have no experience with children - my brother and SIL are both primary school teachers and they were told this was barely sufficient experience to be considered. They've eventually adopted but it's taken 3 years. They will also ask the same questions as you about your finances.

Adoption and conception are really, really different. Do you both really want to adopt , including taking on special needs and trauma? And I also don't think you are 'allowed' to ttc whilst waiting to adopt. I'd be inclined to try ttc immediately for six months and then rethink. 42 is late to be a parent but not impossible.

I'm pretty sure you can not TTC when trying to get approved for adoption .

But if we try for a couple of years and it doesn't happen, I'm going to start to possibly be too old to adopt.

No, you won't be, especially if you would be happy with an older child. Lots of people come to adoption after not being able to conceive.

We could start the adoption ball rolling. It will take at least a year until approved. Then there's time waiting for a child to be matched. So could TTC in the interim, once finances are looked at.

You absolutely should not do this. If you pursue adoption you need to not being TTC. One or the other. Often adoption agencies ask you to be on some kind of birth control. It is very expensive for them to assess you.

When you adopt the adopted child will need to be the youngest in the family by at least 2 years, if not more.

If women start trying for a baby at 30, they have a 75% chance of getting pregnant naturally after a year — at 40 they have a 44% chance.” ... It's 38% for those aged 35-37, 26% for 38- to 40-year-olds and 16% for women aged 41-42. Beyond 42, it's less than 5% — there's a sudden decline down to a very low success rate

You need to get going if you're serious.

I had my DD at 40 (I'm now 50), and she is so worth it. You get over the sleepless nights. I wouldn't be without her. My DSis had her first at 40, and her second DD at 42 and is fine. If you want it it can work and be wonderful, but if you are doing it under duress then it will always be a stress and problem.

well you clearly don't want to have a baby

please don't talk yourself into it, I've seen lives ruined that way.

you can adopt. But your DP needs to be the main childcare from what you've said.

his wants don't outweigh yours - this isn't a compromise area.

I didn't have a burning desire to have kids but my husband did. I was worried about money, pregnancy and the birth. We saved up as much as we could which was surprising as before we weren't that great at saving, I fell pregnant and had our first. The pregnancy was a bit tiresome towards the end, the delivery was something I vowed would never go through again but did 2 years later.We managed without touching the savings but it has been slowly used for holidays etc. I did go back to work 3 days a week after my first and then after the second then was a SAHM. If you are fit and healthy then go for it, if it's what you both want.

Thanks @NottonightJosepheen , @PooWillyBumBum @Disfordarkchocolate - Some very practical advice.

The adoption agency did advise us about support networks and how important they are. I just think having support for a child of school age would be easier than support for a baby.

I appreciate everyone's input, even the reality checks.

I'm going to sit down and work out finances properly, might even look for a new job in my company as I'm on a contract and won't know until next summer if I'm going to be made permanent. So I will see if there's any permanent roles available in other departments. It's a great employer, they pay very well and are flexible and supportive.

I think that next, provided finances are good and DP agrees, we will start the adoption process, but stop using contraception. I'm not going to get hung up on ovulation etc. Then see what happens.

If you're desperate to be a mum, go for it, what are you waiting for?!