I'm 42 and DP has suddenly said he wants a baby.

[NameChangedForTheDay]

Hey all, NC for this one.

I've been with my DP for five years, we live together and we have a brilliant relationship. We've never once had an argument, we laugh every day and are a real team. That's not a stealth boast BTW! We just have a great life together and we love each other dearly. We have no DC from previous relationships.

We have our own circle of friends that we socialise with together, as well as giving each other space to have time with friends / hobbies alone. Our relationship works really well.

When we met, he said he was open to having kids, but it wasn't a burning urgency or need, he was happy to see how things pan out.

I told him from the start that I didn't really have any desire to get pregnant, but would love to adopt an older child, as my older brother was adopted and there's so many children desperate for a loving home and I've also a bit of a phobia of pregnancy and childbirth (which is a whole other thread!).

He was supportive of this and we've even been to adoption agency meetings to learn more and he seemed on board. Anyway, nothing's progressed, as we've had some family issues, including the death of my mum, which has been very hard.

Yesterday, we went to a toy shop to get gifts for his niece and nephew and there were obviously loads of families. I wistfully said I was getting broody (thinking to myself maybe we can look back into the adoption now) and asked him if he was. He said yes.

Last night, we were chatting and I asked if he really was feeling broody, as he's never said that word before. He conceded he was. I asked how come, he said he didn't know, he's just been feeling it strongly lately. He's 40 soon, so could be a factor. Plus some friends are having babies lately too.

I asked if we should explore adoption again and he said he's still not adverse to adoption, but was thinking we could try to have a baby together.

I'm not often speechless, but was after hearing this. He's always been supportive of the plans I had in mind when we met and he even said he wasn't bothered about our potential child not being a baby.

Now, as I say, I'm 42 (just turned). I've no idea if we are even fertile. I'm happy to try and get help for my phobias and if he really wants a baby, I'd definitely want to try for one with him. But if we try for a couple of years and it doesn't happen, I'm going to start to possibly be too old to adopt.

Another issue is affording a baby, my DP earns £20k and I'm on £47k, so I'm the breadwinner. He's climbing up his fairly new career ladder and his next job move will pay £30k+.

I might be overthinking it (my best mate says you can never afford a baby), but how will we survive if I'm off work? There is a the possibility of him staying at home while I return to work. Also, I've just spent ALL our savings on major home improvements and we have a £200k mortgage too.

To compound matters, I've no family, so no support network. Majority of our friends don't have kids, so I've no idea how much childminders and nursery costs, therefore, no idea where to start number crunching.

My best friend said I'm looking into this too deeply, but I think we'd be mad to look at starting a family with no plan in place.

Am I over thinking this, or am I being sensible? Where do we start with planning this?

Also, am I too old? Realistically, I wouldn't want to start trying until next year anyway.

Would love your thoughts. x

Hello....adoptive parent here! I read your thread back in the summer, meant to reply, forgot, and oddly wondered about you last week but couldn’t remember your username. I’m so pleased to see this update and that you’ve been able to make a decision.
I too had a shit childhood and pondered for years on how I would become a parent-I always knew I wanted to but wasn’t that fussed about being pregnant. Adoption was always my first choice and fortunately it worked out for us in the end.
Adopting an older child can actually be easier in some ways than having a younger one; with under fives there are still lots of unknowns regarding their development, particularly around the likelihood of FASD. When they are older things can sometimes be a bit clearer so it’s more obvious what you’re taking on. All children in the care system have, at very least, experienced a degree of developmental trauma, neglect, etc, but the younger ones don’t always have the tangible memories. This means they have the vulnerabilities and trauma and their brains certainly store it all, but it can take years to unpick things. When they are older it can sometimes be easier as their memories can be processed therapeutically in a more tangible way.
So, whilst - yes, undeniably, things can be challenging, there are huge positives in adopting an older child :)
Pop on over to the adoption boards when you’re ready, you’ll receive a very warm welcome there! And good luck for tomorrow.

And to Elle7rose that would be a no!
No adoption agency would be happy with that approach. An adoption assessment is a huge commitment to a rigorous, in depth process so trying to get pregnant alongside that would be utter madness.

Wishing you lots of luck. A friend has adopted three and they were all quite young, and it's been a great success.

That said - I got married later in life and found I was infertile in my early 40s. Looked into adoption and was warned when i spoke to the LA that I would likely get school age children who would would have all sorts of issues. Not easy for anyone, especially a first time parent! (Also they like you to keep in touch with the original family and extended family - so sharing Xmas with grandparents etc). It's an amazingly worthwhile thing to do but we decided we would struggle.

I was lucky and had twins via donor eggs at 44 - can honestly say it was all pretty easy and I don't think being an older parent has ever been an issue. My pre-teens might disagree as they call me old and laugh at my music - and they can both cycle faster than me now - but please don't rule out having your own just because you think you might be too old!!! But I really hope adoption works out for you .

And as a PP said I don't think there's an age limit. A lovely couple I know have been fostering for decades, and adopted a son in the same year as my DCs. I expect they're in their 70s (now, probably in their 60s then) but it wasn't a barrier. Good luck!

Good luck at the meeting!

ChristmasConcert Congratulations on your twins.

"Also they like you to keep in touch with the original family and extended family - so sharing Xmas with grandparents etc"

This may be common in some places (I believe Northern Ireland) but in England it is very rare. I know a lot of adopters and I only know of one who has contact with a grandparent. A few have direct contact with siblings. Most only have letterbox (anonymous letters) if that, IMLE (in my limited experience).

Adopting an older child is just what you want and need.

Everyone saying try for a baby has apparently missed that the op didn't want to be pregnant or give birth. That's a very valid reason to not "just try and see what happens". I'm so glad you've gone for adoption for that reason op. I hope it all works out for you

All the best, OP.

I had my son at 44! Dont forget, they're not just babies; they're little people that have a huge impact on your life. If it's what you truly want, I suggest start trying tonight 😁 X

Thank you for the update. From your posts, I think you have the makings of an excellent parent. The adoption process is one that will ensure you have made the right decision for you all. Good luck in the future.

but I don't think marriage guarantees a life together.

Of course not, and that's not why I mentioned it. It's because of the legal protections that you only get by being married. You need to at least look into that, so you can make an informed choice, and if your partner is the one who is the SAHP, he will need to try to mitigate the things that will make him vulnerable.

Many long term partners have had a nasty awakening when they split up, or their partner dies, because they think that because they've been together for 30 years, it's the same as being married.

Getting married can cost as little as a couple of hundred pounds, you don't need to do the whole wedding thing. You can just book it, get a couple of witnesses from the registry office/street, and and you've got the legal protections, some of which, if you used a solicitor to mitigate, would cost a lot more than a simple wedding.

Anyway, I wish you all the best with your adoption plans.

OP, can you face being a single parent to a small child, through your forties, to a teenager in your fifties? Better start building that support network right now, you're going to need to work.

Factor in, from the start, that you might be the one left holding the baby. We should all do that, but quite often we start young before we have any life experience or common sense. You have all sorts of advantages - including earning capacity.

I know of one couple who suddenly decided they wanted a baby in their mid forties. Everything went well. I know of more who, having said parenthood was not for them, split up when the men decided they'd like to be a daddies after all, and went off with younger women.

Good luck OP, what you are doing is a wonderful thing. Best wishes

What a wonderful update. I feel excited for you and all teary! Best of luck with the approval process!

I think if you feel like it's something you want to do and you are sure youw ant to be a mum then why not go ahead and try to conceive. There are a myriad teenagers out there who ar enot even working or thinking and they fall pregnant and manage, you sound like a sensible woman who has given it thought and has a desire to. I have 2 children and would have more if only my husband wanted more but he doesn't.
Life is too short to live with regrets, you could provide a loving home so why not try yourself and if that doesn't work you can try other avenues

My best friend said I'm looking into this too deeply

Aaah, yes, she must be from the well attended “You Just Make It Work” school of thought!

Yep, your finances will be really difficult. You’re the breadwinner so will have to work full time/4 day week, meaning your nursery costs will be £1000/800 a month. And then you’ll have to somehow cover Easter, Christmas and summer school holidays with no support network.

Back from the local authority adoption evening. It was loads better than the charity agency information and we think local authority seems the better route.

We've much more fact finding to do, but hope to get the ball rolling in the new year.

So glad you got your dp on board. There are too few adopters.

Name Glad you found it positive.

The Adoption board here will be helpful to you, there are adopters who have adopted from 0 to 8 (or possibly higher), who have adopted singles or sibling pairs / groups.
There are pros and cons to any age, and your home study will help you work out what will be best for you in your circumstances.

You are very welcome on the adoption boards. They are a nice place generally.