I'm 42 and DP has suddenly said he wants a baby.

[NameChangedForTheDay]

Hey all, NC for this one.

I've been with my DP for five years, we live together and we have a brilliant relationship. We've never once had an argument, we laugh every day and are a real team. That's not a stealth boast BTW! We just have a great life together and we love each other dearly. We have no DC from previous relationships.

We have our own circle of friends that we socialise with together, as well as giving each other space to have time with friends / hobbies alone. Our relationship works really well.

When we met, he said he was open to having kids, but it wasn't a burning urgency or need, he was happy to see how things pan out.

I told him from the start that I didn't really have any desire to get pregnant, but would love to adopt an older child, as my older brother was adopted and there's so many children desperate for a loving home and I've also a bit of a phobia of pregnancy and childbirth (which is a whole other thread!).

He was supportive of this and we've even been to adoption agency meetings to learn more and he seemed on board. Anyway, nothing's progressed, as we've had some family issues, including the death of my mum, which has been very hard.

Yesterday, we went to a toy shop to get gifts for his niece and nephew and there were obviously loads of families. I wistfully said I was getting broody (thinking to myself maybe we can look back into the adoption now) and asked him if he was. He said yes.

Last night, we were chatting and I asked if he really was feeling broody, as he's never said that word before. He conceded he was. I asked how come, he said he didn't know, he's just been feeling it strongly lately. He's 40 soon, so could be a factor. Plus some friends are having babies lately too.

I asked if we should explore adoption again and he said he's still not adverse to adoption, but was thinking we could try to have a baby together.

I'm not often speechless, but was after hearing this. He's always been supportive of the plans I had in mind when we met and he even said he wasn't bothered about our potential child not being a baby.

Now, as I say, I'm 42 (just turned). I've no idea if we are even fertile. I'm happy to try and get help for my phobias and if he really wants a baby, I'd definitely want to try for one with him. But if we try for a couple of years and it doesn't happen, I'm going to start to possibly be too old to adopt.

Another issue is affording a baby, my DP earns £20k and I'm on £47k, so I'm the breadwinner. He's climbing up his fairly new career ladder and his next job move will pay £30k+.

I might be overthinking it (my best mate says you can never afford a baby), but how will we survive if I'm off work? There is a the possibility of him staying at home while I return to work. Also, I've just spent ALL our savings on major home improvements and we have a £200k mortgage too.

To compound matters, I've no family, so no support network. Majority of our friends don't have kids, so I've no idea how much childminders and nursery costs, therefore, no idea where to start number crunching.

My best friend said I'm looking into this too deeply, but I think we'd be mad to look at starting a family with no plan in place.

Am I over thinking this, or am I being sensible? Where do we start with planning this?

Also, am I too old? Realistically, I wouldn't want to start trying until next year anyway.

Would love your thoughts. x

If you really wanna be a mum, go for it! I've had my first at 36 and love it. I also suffered from tokophobia - it's the reason I left motherhood so late.

If you really are happy to try for a baby then go for it and start now! My friend started TTC at 42 and I'm sorry to say she had 3 miscarriages which devastated her. She is now 20 weeks in to a pregnancy at the age of 44. She's previously had 3 babies in her 20s so I suspect it was age causing problems with her recent pregnancies. I wouldn't overthink it too much. You both earn enough to have a family.

You want to be a Mum, he wants to be a Dad, go for it. It's worth a try seeing you don't know if you are even fertile.
My Dads Mum had him at 42, due to late getting married and he was an only. She never thought she'd be around to see him marry, yet she was around until just before her first great grandchild was born.
My youngest was born when I was nealry 42. She was a joy, now she's a teen and pretty typical.

I forgot best friend from College had twins at 40 and another one at 43. All healthy and happy.

If being pregnant and or having your own child has never been a desire of yours for the love of God don’t go through with it for the sake of your partner! I’ve never, ever heard of such a situation end well.

You have a great relationship and there is far more to life than children as I’m sure you’ve discovered. The desire to adopt is admirable though considering there are 153 million orphans on the planet.

So many people fall in love with the idea of having a child and seem blinded to the reality of just how hard it can be. Kids are such hard work and put a huge strain on even the strongest relationships! Women take the brunt of the childcare and sacrifice more in terms of career and freedom (there are a million posts on here demonstrating that).

There are so many parents who would swap places with you in a heartbeat!

You said in a previous post that your work is based on a contract and won't become permanent until next summer?
If that is the case, in my experience there could be issues if you are pregnant (I know there shouldn't be but I think that is the way of the world).
If you do decide to go ahead, could you survive on DP's income? Because if you have no job to return to, it could be very difficult job hunting with a baby.
Sorry to sound negative.

Sounds like you are putting up barriers to me, your income isn’t low. If you chose adoption you’d still have to pay for childcare if they were tiny and even if they weren’t you’d be paying out lots in holiday childcare, activities and generally just stuff. So I can’t understand why you are favouring adoption based on money.

If you really wanted a child you’d try now for one as you know time isn’t on your side. By the sounds of it you aren’t keen and are considering going along with it as your partner is suddenly broody. You aren’t too old but I think the question is more do YOU actually want a baby.

I'm desperate to be a mum

It comes down to this, really.

You're sensible to consider finances, and support, they are important and it can be hard without one or both. But not impossible. If you don't have family, find support networks (friends, childminders, neighbours, etc). If you are prepared for a dent in career and less money, then that's okay.

Your life will be irrevocably, irreversibly changed.

If you want to be a mother I would get on with it and don't put it off. We all feel young until we have a newborn, then we age about ten years overnight ... good luck, OP, with whatever you decide.

therumpus.net/2011/04/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/

I think you need to question whether you want a baby because he does or whether it’s because it’s for yourself.
It’s incredibly emotionally tough on women who actively want one, I can’t imagine how it would feel if the foundation of pregnancy was based on someone else’s desire.

You’re not too old, but obviously age creates biological risks, but younger women can have babies with the same issues so 🤷‍♀️.

I have three friends who all conceived naturally at 42. It’s the magic number!

Lots of women have babies in their 40s and I am not seeing them regretting it. At school at least 1/3 of the mothers were older than me and I was 39 with my last. It is true that it is physically harder being a mother of tinies in your 40s than in your 20s and that you are used to your way of life which will be disrupted. Many families manage on your joint incomes and many fathers now take time off to allow for mother working so I think that side of things is manageable.
You would have to come to terms with the fact that you might not get pregnant . Uncertainty comes with parenthood . If you are going to try to get pg , don't hang about .

Hi OP. I have a 14 year old I had at 30 and a just turned 5 year old at 40. I really struggled with my first baby in my thirties as I was diagnosed with PND, plus generally didn't cope that well - even coming out of the PND - due to my immaturity at the time (I know 30 isn't young but looking back I was v. immature about a lot of things). My second at 40 I've honestly loved pretty much every moment of it. I'm in a different, stable and happy relationship which has made a massive difference, and it sounds like you are too. Possibly the only benefit of being lazy, hedonistic and not exercising at all in my 20s and 30s is that I feel healthier and have more energy now at 45 than I did back then.

Obviously all stories you'll hear on here are purely anecdotal and women struggle to conceive in their 40s, are more likely to miscarry and all the other risks. I have PCOS and other issues myself. But that said for me fear of things going wrong wouldn't be reason enough in and of itself not to TTC if that's what I definitely wanted. I think being realistic about the difficulties - which other posters have highlighted - and possibly having a cut off point in your head would be a good plan.

Also- your comments about your relationship are a little naive it’s safe to say. Even the happiest of relationships struggle through children, and that’s when it’s their own. Never mind adopted.

(My mum was adopted from birth, her parents were incredible- but it doesn’t come without its challenges).

If your partner has a burning desire for his own biological child, an adopted child just wouldn’t cut the mustard.

@ishouldbedoingsomework We couldn't survive on DP's salary, hence saying I would wait until next year if we decided to TTC.

TBH, I think TTC isn't going to be viable after reading PPs.

@Skittlenommer I've always wanted to be a mum, but had no desire to have my own die to my phobia and because I'd seen adoption first hand with my brother.

@ItsAllGoingToBeMagnificent I really do want to be a mum. Having our own biological child has just never been discussed, or raised before.

friend of mine had her first at 46 and her second at 47 :). Just took her a very long time to meet the right man. When she told me they were going to try, I really didn't hold out much hope given her age but she fell pregnant in a few months

I would just get on with it!

@Jellybeansincognito we are under no illusion that parenthood is easy.

My DP is still happy to adopt, but all of a sudden he's decided that could we look into TTC. This thread has given me plenty of things to discuss with him, there's stuff I hadn't considered and he certainly won't have and it may make him see the bigger picture.

I think you're over thinking.

• You have a brilliant partner
• Fantastic, strong stable relationship
• Maternity can be a year
• You both definitely want a child

Go for it!

Well, either ttc or adoption will throw a bomb into the middle of your lives, but lets face it ost people don’t really think and plan as much as you have so you will likely be well prepared. as long as you have had sensible conversations about how you would feel and cope if your birth or adopted child had additional needs eg weekly camhs appointments in the working day, managing contact with birth parents' issues like school refusal etc. Honestly if he wants a baby it might not be a good idea for him to adopt, he might find the bonding more difficult. And as you know it is a real challenge usually anyway.

Try for a baby and start the adoption process too. That way you will end up a mum either way. You can always cancel out of adoption if you have a baby.

SAHD is a valid option. My DH did it for 15yrs and has gone back to work, found a decent permanent job etc. The gap on his cv was no big deal because was upfront that he was raising kids. Employers just don’t like unexplained gaps because then they imagine the worst- sacked, prison, addiction, etc

I think it would be worth you paying to get basic fertility tests (a few hundred pounds and you could have results within a few days, potentially). You would then get an idea of whether you have average chances of conceiving for you age, or if one of you potentially has problems.

If you are never likely to conceive naturally for whatever reason, then the decision is whether to look at assisted conception, or further explore adoption.

If there are no barriers to conception, aside from your age (not being critical, I gave birth at 39!) then it sounds like you both need serious discussions about whether to ttc. Financially, people make things work, and you are certainly not in a bad situation.

I'd go for it, you won't regret having your child when you look at them and love them but you may regret not having one as you get older. You want one so try and have one, it's lovely and financially there are soo many people who have babies on less money. Everyone worries about childcare and maternity leave payments. Universal credits do pay 85% of childcare costs and you also get 30hours free childcare when the child is 3years old. You only live once, yes you have to be practical etc but you will survive financially and it's an exciting time and something you both want, you're not that old either but fertility wise i know what you're saying! I think it's a nice time too because you've got a home, you've already lived, both have jobs so its a nice set up for a baby.

I think many of the concerns you have regarding having a baby are still 100% relevant to adopting an older child. Savings, maternity/adoption leave, etc. etc. All relevant either way.

Like you, I was never bothered about pregnancy and birth and I always said I would adopt when the time was right. And then suddenly I was hit by broodiness at 39, was pregnant 4 months later (IVF), and had my DS at 40.

Since then I've been a foster carer and I seriously considered adopting a second child but decided against it in the end for a number of reasons.

I do think having a birth child and having an adopted child can potentially mean a very different family life. No more or less love either way, but different challenges and issues. A very wise foster carer and adopter told me that she thinks nowadays adoption is really about giving a very hurt and hurting child a home, not giving a couple a child, iyswim. And with a school-aged child that would likely be even more true.

Good luck whichever you decide.

Lots of families do both btw. My sister has twin boys and adopted a little girl. It doesn’t have to be one or the other.

What a terrible comment re an adopted child just not cutting the mustard.

I had my youngest DC at 41 after an 8 and 10 year gap, just after I'd finally given away the last of the baby/toddler equipment. If I'd sat down and thought of all the problems we might face, I don't think we would have had DCs at all.
Yes, there will be problems along the way. But There will be problems to get through for most folk in future even if you don't have DC. I think you just have to dive in and adapt as you go.
But I can hand on heart say, I don't regret a single minute my third was a joy, still is..
and as for dealing with teens in your 50s.. It doesn't make any difference. It's all part of supporting them through life and education. We've been lucky with ours, but they've had some very tough times themselves and I'm glad I've been there to help them. I wish you and your partner well whatever your choices. Best of luck x