To refuse to collect my upset DD(16) from the trip?

[nooboo2]

Just finished Y11. She left this morning for Wales on a 5 night trip. It's an organised trip for 15/16/17 years olds (think NCS but this one is specific to kids in my area). They are at an activity centre where they stay in cabins and do activites etc, and after the 5 nights they work on a project together.

We moved straight after GCSE's from 4 hours away, so she's left all of her friends behind. We decided to send her on this as with it being kids from the local area it's likely most will go to the college she's going to, we thought it would be good for her to forge friendships and have some familiar faces to see at college. DD also was keen to go for the same reasons and was quite upbeat this morning as I was driving her to the coach.

We didn't hear from her all day and I was happy with that, thinking she must be having fun and socialising, but then she called at 8pm. She was in tears because they all went to the same school (the staff said they come from all over the area and several different schools) and they were all at a party the night before and that's all they talk about and they aren't interested in her. She just wants to phone and videochat her friends but there's no service there (she called on the activity centre's phone) She begged for DH (I don't drive) to pick her up. I said no for several reasons:

1. She's going to have this issue at college anyway so better to get friendly with a few kids beforehand.

1. She was keen on going on the trip and promised to stick it out.

1. I spent a few hundred quid buying her new gear for the trip, trainers etc. Because she insisted she needed it.

1. The activity centre is 2 hours away on a motorway and DH has had a drink. Like fuck am I letting him drive there in the dark.

I told her to stick it out for the night and if she still feels upset then to call tomorrow. I tried to comfort her but she just demanded so I ended up hanging up. She then rang DH. DH wanted to go and get her because she's been in hysterics, he proceeded to drink loads of water preparing to go. I managed to talk him out of it and DD is blowing up both of our phones.

AIBU to make her stick it out, at least for tonight? The first day was always going to be hard but sitting at home and pining over her friends won't help her settle. And wanting DH to come for her...no fucking way.

You can’t drive, your partner is not legal to drive, so please don’t fetch her tonight.

If he's been drinking he can't go and fetch her tonight, that's not negotiable.

I can't believe you hung up on her though. I think you're being very controlling and unsympathetic about this; have you thought about how it feels from her perspective, rather than your plan for her to "make friends" (which isn't happening, is it, with her distressed and feeling left out)?

You can't force her to make new friendships, it needs to happen naturally. This is a bit like pushing her in the deep end to force her to learn to swim. I would go and pick her up tomorrow if she's still upset, and apologise for being so bloody horrible.

I would come and collect her, but in the morning when sober.
She’s been unreasonable asking you to buy her loads of stuff for this trip but she never asked to move, she probably thinks you’re being unreasonable for moving her away from where her life is.
Your DH is bvu wanting to drink drive.
Even if I thought that her staying was a good idea, I wouldn’t leave her stuck somewhere she didn’t want to be with no other way home. How would you like that?

Number 4 is the only factor here. Even if you wanted to collect her, it’s not possible tonight. Review in the morning!

If one of my DC was distressed and begging for my help, I would collect them early in this scenario. Obviously I wouldn’t drive with alcohol on board, but perhaps agree a compromise such as collecting early the next morning, if they still felt as bad.

I think you have done exactly the right thing and I would do the same. My daughter is a little older and on the way to the airport has said she has changed her mind and no longer wants to go. Tough - and each time she has really enjoyed it. Hopefully this will happen with your dd too. Also right not to let your DH drive at the moment - good call. Hope it resolves soon x

She’s not in any danger and will be fine until the morning. YANBU

Alcohol would be the only thing stopping me getting her, poor love. Can you not drive.

I entirely understand where she is coming from because it must be difficult, but calling up at 16 years old and being stroppy and demanding at the idea of sleeping in a bed overnight with the option of being collected in the morning is outright rude.

Your DH can't go and collect her. He's risking his life, her life and the lives of everyone on the road. The fact be would consider it shows he is either a complete pillock with zero concern for safety and life or he really is too drunk to make a sensible judgement.

You need to suck up the cost of the kit and then have a conversation with her tomorrow morning when she's acting less of a spoilt demanding 4 year old.

Well if he’s over the limit he’s over the limit but Jesus, poor kid. Why did you move?

Missed the don't drive bit. I would never have hung up on her, but she will be safe until morning. You need to reassure her that the only reason you aren't getting her is that you physically can't, but if in the morning she feels the same then you will be there.

Moving a 16yr old away from.all her friends is a really big deal

Forcing her in a group where she is the outsider (not how you planned it, but that is the reality of it) will just compound her misery.

It was a mistake, unfortunately, made with good intentions by you.

In your shoes I would be super sympathetic with her, but offer to pick her up tomorrow

Poor girl

I moved at a similar age and absolutely hated it. At that age everyone has their established friendship groups and it’s really tough.

Don’t drive drunk but cut her some slack.

YANBU. It's late, she should be in bed very soon if not already and (even if she cries herself to sleep) it'll look different in the morning.

The first night was always going to be tough. Tomorrow, when activities start happening, they'll all have something else to talk about. If she were to leave now, that something else would be her. Honestly, if you pick her up tomorrow she'll need to feign illness or something, or they'll never forget. And she was brave enough to go, so she should try and tough it out - she's clearly got it in her.

I really feel for her though. Straight after GCSEs is a horrible time to have to move like that.

Your dh can’t drink and drive water or not. She has got to stick it out over night. I’d want to ask one of the group leaders to keep a close eye on her, help her to mix in with the group and go up to arrive at lunchtime tomorrow. If she still really wants to come home she can. She does not get to behave hysterically and manipulate you/dh into doing something dangerous.

If she is still upset in the morning DH will go down. I think there's a good chance after she's got the first night out of the way she'll feel better. If not then I will be v disappointed but will still send DH down.

When I originally said "Your dad can't come tonight. See how you feel tomorrow." she got quite stroppy and sweary and it became hard to try and comfort her because I became the evil cow who wouldn't let her come home.

It sounds like she could do to be a bit more resilient. It doesn't sound like she has been bullied - she just doesn't know anyone yet. I would be telling her she ought to stick it out. It's almost inevitable that she will be having fun by the end of the week.

(It goes without saying that you / your husband can't collect her tonight after a drink)

Well there literally isn't anything you can do tonight so it's a pointless question really

But 30 years ago when I was 13, I went to a similar thing. I hated it and phoned mum to come get me. It was a 2 hour drive but they came. And I've always been grateful to her for that. Just be aware this might be genuinely awful for her. But if you can't go then you can't. I would have managed being asked to wait til morning

Just tell your daughter that her dad has been drinking and you don’t want to risk him having an accident .

Once she’s calmed down she will get it .

It’s how you tell her. A sympathetic loving mum gently urging you to wait until morning is different to a brusque ‘your dad can’t come.’

Goodness, she is 16. All that is happening is that lots of girls know each other. The way she will get to know them is by staying and sticking it out. She just has to sit with them and listen and then join in with the activities.

Tell her to identify a quiet girl and just ask her questions about life in the area.

And call the centre and alert them to the fact that contrary to their advice the others do all know each other and your Dd is feeling left out. They should be able to sort it.

It is incredibly difficult to be wrenched from your friends at that age , but collecting her won’t help in the medium or long term.

Why did you move?

Why does it matter?

Drinking water won’t sober him up.

I don’t think a bad night is disastrous but I’d consider getting her in the morning.

As for all the 'poor kid' comments - I think people need to get a bit of a grip. Nobody ever died from not having a good time. She's safe, she's warm, she's fed and clothed. She will be absolutely fine, even if she's not enjoying herself yet.

More importantly, if she can stick this out she will be well on her way to making friends - something she will have to do at some point.

I sympathise with you not being able to go pick her up due to alcohol. But I think I would have explained that to her, that’s it’s not that you don’t want to, but you can’t safely pick her up tonight.
I would have told her you would definitely be there in the morning and that you’ll call before you get on the road. I would not have said “call me if you’re still upset in the morning” that’s not giving her any definitive answer. It’s just dodging her request and giving a “maybe” answer which most teens react to as a “definitely not” and since teens interpret a maybe that way comes across as a bit cold and unsympathetic...especially since you hung up on her which anyone would find distressing much less a tearful teen.
Is this her first solo trip away from home?

It matters because there’s a difference between ‘we fancied that area’ to ‘dh lost his job and we urgently needed him to find a new one.’

I imagine the DD is feeling pretty crap. If there is a history of her feelings being brushed aside so her parents can get on with life then I feel for her.