Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to collect my upset DD(16) from the trip?

614 replies

nooboo2 · 01/08/2019 22:11

Just finished Y11. She left this morning for Wales on a 5 night trip. It's an organised trip for 15/16/17 years olds (think NCS but this one is specific to kids in my area). They are at an activity centre where they stay in cabins and do activites etc, and after the 5 nights they work on a project together.

We moved straight after GCSE's from 4 hours away, so she's left all of her friends behind. We decided to send her on this as with it being kids from the local area it's likely most will go to the college she's going to, we thought it would be good for her to forge friendships and have some familiar faces to see at college. DD also was keen to go for the same reasons and was quite upbeat this morning as I was driving her to the coach.

We didn't hear from her all day and I was happy with that, thinking she must be having fun and socialising, but then she called at 8pm. She was in tears because they all went to the same school (the staff said they come from all over the area and several different schools) and they were all at a party the night before and that's all they talk about and they aren't interested in her. She just wants to phone and videochat her friends but there's no service there (she called on the activity centre's phone) She begged for DH (I don't drive) to pick her up. I said no for several reasons:

  1. She's going to have this issue at college anyway so better to get friendly with a few kids beforehand.
  1. She was keen on going on the trip and promised to stick it out.
  1. I spent a few hundred quid buying her new gear for the trip, trainers etc. Because she insisted she needed it.
  1. The activity centre is 2 hours away on a motorway and DH has had a drink. Like fuck am I letting him drive there in the dark.

I told her to stick it out for the night and if she still feels upset then to call tomorrow. I tried to comfort her but she just demanded so I ended up hanging up. She then rang DH. DH wanted to go and get her because she's been in hysterics, he proceeded to drink loads of water preparing to go. I managed to talk him out of it and DD is blowing up both of our phones.

AIBU to make her stick it out, at least for tonight? The first day was always going to be hard but sitting at home and pining over her friends won't help her settle. And wanting DH to come for her...no fucking way.

OP posts:
DecomposingComposers · 01/08/2019 22:52

As someone who was crippled by homesickness as a child and teen I feel for your dd. For me, it was at an absolutely phobia level of reaction. There was nothing that I could do to control how I felt.

Obviously if your husband has had a drink he can't drive there tonight but as the only person able to drive, and with a child away on a residential a 2 hour drive away there's no way I would have been drinking. What if she was ill or had an accident and you needed to go to her. How would you get there?

user27495824 · 01/08/2019 22:54

She's 16, she has made demands from you and then swore at you when you didn't agree on a 4 hour round trip to get her there and then... You are definitely not being unreasonable.

WhoWants2Know · 01/08/2019 22:55

I'd have put the phone down at the swearing too.

AngelasAshes · 01/08/2019 22:56

“We've had to move our kids at all ages (forces family). It's tough for everyone but you need to encourage her to stick it out or she'll never make new friends. ”

Former forces and we also moved every 2-3yrs even overseas. But my DDs have been unlucky on some moves that the kids they first got to meet ended up bullying them. Sticking out a situation is not always a good idea resulting in friends. In some cases, they get the drift of where things are going and have to abort and call for an extraction.

Original poster
nooboo2 · 01/08/2019 22:57

I am pissed off with the leaders though. They spoke to DD several times on the phone beforehand and said that the kids come from several different schools and they make sure each group is a mix of several different schools.

DD's group consists of a close group of girls who requested to be put in the same group. There was one space remaining in said group aftewards and that's where DD ended up.

OP posts:
NoLeopard · 01/08/2019 22:58

She obviously feels a bit lonely tonight but maybe once the activities start tomorrow she might get to know more people individually. Is it likely that every single person there was at the party? It probably feels like it to her. Have you a contact number for the leaders? I'd phone them.

DecomposingComposers · 01/08/2019 22:58

What if she comes home and starts college and some of her peers are saying "Oh we saw you on the trip and you left on the first/second day!"?

And what if they start bullying her as a result of her being upset? What if they see her as the outsider and point blank refuse to accept her? Presumably there will be other students at college who aren't on this trip? Why do you see this trip as being the only way for her to make friends?

stubbyboardman · 01/08/2019 22:59

That is really stupid of the leaders. How bloody insensitive to stick her in with a tight-knit group who have asked to be together. I'd be fuming at that, they have set her up to have a rotten time.

Anerak · 01/08/2019 22:59

I would go in a heart beat. But in the morning. Absolutely no to drinking and driving. Please be sensitive to her feelings OP. She obviously needs you right now

Joerev · 01/08/2019 23:02

I suffered terrible homesickness when I went away for trips as a teenager. I would of been inconsolable if my mother had hung up on me. I wouldn’t of slept. Gosh I can even remember it now.

I would speak to her as long as I could. To just reassure her. I’m quite horrified you hung up.

amiapropermum · 01/08/2019 23:04

Your speech of 'comfort' is all about you and not her. Also saying you'll 'send' DH seems odd. Obviously he can't go anywhere tonight as he's been drinking but surely he can decide to go in the morning even if you disagree. I think you could have handled it better. She's had a big move, she's struggling on this trip and you hung up on her. She doesn't need you going on about being disappointed

SuperSara · 01/08/2019 23:04

Poor poppet - ripped away from her friends and you hang up on her!,

She's 16, not 6, FFS!

Mumsnet: where offspring are helpless infants until they're at least 30.

Unbelievable.

KarmaStar · 01/08/2019 23:05

I get you want her to make friends,and she was keen to go.
But you come across as very unsympathetic and high handed op.
Give the girl some credit for being up for all this when she's had to leave her friends at an important age.
She should not swear at you,but perhaps she felt frustrated and alone.
Some love and acknowledgement would likely be very welcome.

AngelasAshes · 01/08/2019 23:06

“DD's group consists of a close group of girls who requested to be put in the same group. There was one space remaining in said group aftewards and that's where DD ended up.”

Urgh. That is a bad scenario. Close clique of girls and she is the one outsider....that’s throwing her to the wolves imho. If they had hit it off she’d have a chance, but she’s in tears. I’d go and get her and ask NCS for a refund or a free place next year with actual variety per their promises.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 01/08/2019 23:07

We moved house just after my GCSEs and it was miserable. I still haven't quite forgiven my parents for it and I don't think I ever will. It made me unbelievably unhappy. Please be understanding of how hard this is for your DD.

BackforGood · 01/08/2019 23:07

I agree with this on P1

Goodness, she is 16. All that is happening is that lots of girls know each other. The way she will get to know them is by staying and sticking it out. She just has to sit with them and listen and then join in with the activities.

Tell her to identify a quiet girl and just ask her questions about life in the area.

And call the centre and alert them to the fact that contrary to their advice the others do all know each other and your Dd is feeling left out. They should be able to sort it.

It is incredibly difficult to be wrenched from your friends at that age , but collecting her won’t help in the medium or long term

I wouldn't be fetching her. They are only away for 4 nights, and one is gone. If she makes the effort - and I'm not saying it will be easy - then she may well become friends with people, and may well enjoy lots of the activities. If she really can't find a friend - however temporary - amongst the people there, well, that is a shame, but she only has 3 more nights to go.

kateandme · 01/08/2019 23:09

oh god after hearing your latest and how they are grouped i can now imagine how bloody awful this is.this age.girls.that dinamic.no way i can understand how it is making her feel.
try and forget what shit she has been.this is her immature reaction but she is your kid and they do this.especially when upset revert to younger.especailly when trapped in a horrid siutation for them.they want to be rescued and lash out if not.
send a text. "love you.i know its hard.but dad for his and your safety just couldnt come tonight...try and get some rest and we will talk tomorrow ok.be brave.see if there is a friendly face among them.you deserve some fun if you can,but we will talk it all through tomorrow.lets work together on this."

DecomposingComposers · 01/08/2019 23:09

Joerev

Me too. Just reading the OP has brought back the awful feelings of homesickness. I can remember phoning home, completely hysterical. No amount of threatening, bribing, cajoling or tough love would have changed how I felt. This poor girl must feel completely abandoned.

category12 · 01/08/2019 23:10

Mumsnet: where offspring are helpless infants until they're at least 30.

She's helpless in that she's stuck at this place where she knows no-one and has no option to leave on her own, whereas an adult could just bloody leave if they wanted to. She's also had no choice about moving away from her friends. So a little compassion and even some coddling is warranted.

katiedoc · 01/08/2019 23:11

You have totally done the right thing and for all the right reasons.

She is 16 and this will teach her a bit of resilience. These residentials are brilliant experiences. She will appreciate it in the end.

Just not tonight.

Notnownotneverever · 01/08/2019 23:13

I would talk to the centre leaders and ask if it would be possible for you or your DH could join the activities for the day tomorrow to see if she settled in better. If not I would take her home. But support her rather than leave her upset. Have the organisers not spoken with you as she is so upset? That's odd if not.

SadOtter · 01/08/2019 23:15

I went on a couple of similar trips where I didn't know anyone as a teenager (I hadn't moved area I was just home educated for a long time then at a very small school with kids who never went on anything). The first night was always the hardest.

You can't pick her up tonight anyway, tell her to stick it out til morning. In the morning talk to the leaders and ask that she be moved rooms, explaining about the party and tight knit group. Once you have spoken to the leaders and have an answer then call DD and see how its going and tell her what her options are.

angell84 · 01/08/2019 23:16

How old is she? 16? She is acting like she is 2. I went on plenty of trips when I was 12,13,24,15 and I never once rang for my mum to come and get me. I am not a brat. It is five bloody days . She needs to grow up big time

happybunny007 · 01/08/2019 23:16

I would call the group leaders and ask them if there’s anything they can do to help the situation.

AngelasAshes · 01/08/2019 23:16

“She just has to sit with them and listen and then join in with the activities.

Tell her to identify a quiet girl and just ask her questions about life in the area.”

Worst advice ever for 16 yr old girls. Do you even know any? I have had two.......and while the above might work at age 6 starting Rainbows, it will not work when dealing with teen dynamics. You can’t just sit with a group of girls, you can’t pick a quiet girl and ask questions. You’re likely to get told to fuck off back where you came from and then ignored and avoided.