To refuse to collect my upset DD(16) from the trip?

[nooboo2]

Just finished Y11. She left this morning for Wales on a 5 night trip. It's an organised trip for 15/16/17 years olds (think NCS but this one is specific to kids in my area). They are at an activity centre where they stay in cabins and do activites etc, and after the 5 nights they work on a project together.

We moved straight after GCSE's from 4 hours away, so she's left all of her friends behind. We decided to send her on this as with it being kids from the local area it's likely most will go to the college she's going to, we thought it would be good for her to forge friendships and have some familiar faces to see at college. DD also was keen to go for the same reasons and was quite upbeat this morning as I was driving her to the coach.

We didn't hear from her all day and I was happy with that, thinking she must be having fun and socialising, but then she called at 8pm. She was in tears because they all went to the same school (the staff said they come from all over the area and several different schools) and they were all at a party the night before and that's all they talk about and they aren't interested in her. She just wants to phone and videochat her friends but there's no service there (she called on the activity centre's phone) She begged for DH (I don't drive) to pick her up. I said no for several reasons:

1. She's going to have this issue at college anyway so better to get friendly with a few kids beforehand.

1. She was keen on going on the trip and promised to stick it out.

1. I spent a few hundred quid buying her new gear for the trip, trainers etc. Because she insisted she needed it.

1. The activity centre is 2 hours away on a motorway and DH has had a drink. Like fuck am I letting him drive there in the dark.

I told her to stick it out for the night and if she still feels upset then to call tomorrow. I tried to comfort her but she just demanded so I ended up hanging up. She then rang DH. DH wanted to go and get her because she's been in hysterics, he proceeded to drink loads of water preparing to go. I managed to talk him out of it and DD is blowing up both of our phones.

AIBU to make her stick it out, at least for tonight? The first day was always going to be hard but sitting at home and pining over her friends won't help her settle. And wanting DH to come for her...no fucking way.

@angell84 What on earth? I object to them trying to drag her to the campfire and telling her if she doesn't do that then she has to phone home when she just needs a few minutes alone to calm down! She didn't want to turn up to the campfire with a puffy red face and have everyone talking about her. She's like me in the sense that when she cries it can be quite hard to stop and she has to focus on doing deep breaths etc. The organisation's website very much says DC's wishes will be respect and they won't be forced to do anything they don't want to do!

I get not being able to leave her. So someone could have sat outside the dorm while she sorted herself out.

I don't think she's a princess in the slightest. I hung up on her last night when she was swearing and demanding I get her tipsy dad to drive a 4 hour tound trip for her FGS! Though I do believe it was a stress reaction from what was going on.

angel84 your post was really harsh. It’s totally unfair to call OPs ‘DD a madam’ based on the account of events given. Unless this is a default reaction to not getting what she wants, then her behaviour the other night could have been due to a number of reasons - homesickness, worry about exam results, missing friends/old school. She could have PMT making her feel more emotional still. We just don’t know. And if we don’t know I think it’s only fair to give the benefit of the doubt and be constructive and kind.

I think most mature adults would react badly if they were crying, trying to calm themselves down and someone was bullying them into going red eyes into a social situation or making a phone call whilst in that state.

I mean these people work with teenagers, is it really too much to expect them to understand a teenager might not want to be seen crying by strangers?

Your DD sounds very articulate and self-reflective. She gave it a go and it didn't work out. Never mind. Maybe she will be able to keep in touch with some of the girls, but even so it isn't that long until school starts in the autumn.

I wouldn't have sent her on this trip. Can you imagine moving somewhere you d9nt want to and now being forced to spend 5 nights with new people. That's a lot for an adult never mind a teenager. Letting her meet people at college would have been much better.

Glad you dd is ok now. I understand how she feels. Im 30 and if i start its hard to stop. They shouldnt of forced her to go to the campfire or call you when all she needed was another few moments to gather herself. Id think about ringing and letting them know that just incase in happens to another. Good to know to shes made friends with some new people.

Could you contact staff or get dd to get staff to contact you do you can explain your daughters situation. I’m sure they will be understanding and support your daughter. They also may help find her a couple of friends.

OMG! She wasn’t FORCED to go in this trip, she WANTED to! RTFT rachel

DecomposingComposers

If you let her quit now then your sending a message that 1. It’s okay to quit

Erm...If something is not working out then it is ok to quit! In fact if often takes more strength to quit that not to.

Bosnia and Iraq got in there because somebody was making huge assumptions about mumsnet tees in general and being a sanctimonious Pratt.
@CamdenLoaf
“Well, this thread is definitely illuminating as regards the significant percentage of Mners who are apparently incapable of doing something as ordinary as dropping off and picking up their children from school without having nervous breakdowns about playground cliques and unfriendliness or coping with run of the mill workplace politics.”

Ex Forces was just highlighting that CamdenPratt does not know anything about the ‘significant percentage’ and should fuck off.
Or do I believe😬

You did exactly the right thing Op.

DD very much wasn't forced! I suggested it to her and said "I understand if you don't want to go so soon after moving and just want time to settle before college but it might be good to get to know a few people in the area?"

She agreed and was very much up for it.

She insists she would have been fine if she was just left to calm herself down

Exactly.

Well, I'm glad she is home, OP, as it sounds like the staff had little common sense. What you thought would happen at this camp, there being kids from different schools, will actually happen in college, so she'll be ok!

On a light note, anyone else (oldies) reminded of the "Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh" song.

OP You did everything correctly. You did not force her to attend it was a joint decision. You were right not to collect her last night, when things did not improve today your daughter was collected. There is nothing more you could have done. You have nothing to explain. I think you are a great mum.

Oh dear, just read she's back home. Not like the song then. Sorry.

WeWantSweet

Ha ha ha! Yes!

I think it's been referenced earlier in the thread.

Poor poppet - ripped away from her friends and you hang up on her

If she had given me an earful of abuse she'd be staying there all week whether she wants to or not.

So let me see if i’m taking this all in correctly?
Teenage daughter, who admittedly has had a lot to contend with recently, goes away on a trip her parents spent a lot of money on and with good intentions for her. She becomes overwhelmed and doesn’t express this in a conducive way to achieving her goal of coming home.. but she’s safe and her basic needs are being met?
This beast of a dad had a drink and is now an alchoholic. The OP is terrible for putting the phone down on a child who albeit emotional, is being disrespectful and unreasonable. Even after the OP expressed the rationale behind her decision..

The real kicker is some posters believing DD is now scarred for life and won’t ever come visit her parents in the holidays?!

Everyone is entitled to their opinion and some posters should be seeking counselling!!

OP my daughter did exactly the same on a DofE trip recently and not a chance would I get her until she had tried a night and was able to talk to me rationally and on a good nights sleep the next day! Each to their own and yes I dared have a drink that night too.. shoot me now! Glad your DD is ok, best of luck to her in college :)

There's too much going on in this post.

She stays put, it's one night and there's alcohol involved.

You're right, she needs to make friends but this was an error on your part by moving away (I'm assuming there's a good reason) and forcing her on this trip.

Normally I come down hard on stroppy kids but this is your fault. Go and get her in the morning.

Poor kid. Why do adults do this to vulnerable teenagers? Decide they're adults at one of the most vulnerable points in their life, uproot them and wonder why they have a meltdown?

Ffs.

Tarnlou

Well its close apart from the stuff that you have made up or exaggerated.

@Tarnlou not quite, you forgot to mention the possibility that it's not actually a residential camp and the daughter has in fact been inducted into a cult.

@BoneyBackJefferson apologies for the dramatic slant, but everything mentioned is actually all in this thread.

@gregoire my bad!! I knew there was something meanial I had forgotten.. too funny 😂

Tarnlou

Yes, but some of it is misrepresentation of what other posters have said to try and belittle their points.