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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to collect my upset DD(16) from the trip?

614 replies

nooboo2 · 01/08/2019 22:11

Just finished Y11. She left this morning for Wales on a 5 night trip. It's an organised trip for 15/16/17 years olds (think NCS but this one is specific to kids in my area). They are at an activity centre where they stay in cabins and do activites etc, and after the 5 nights they work on a project together.

We moved straight after GCSE's from 4 hours away, so she's left all of her friends behind. We decided to send her on this as with it being kids from the local area it's likely most will go to the college she's going to, we thought it would be good for her to forge friendships and have some familiar faces to see at college. DD also was keen to go for the same reasons and was quite upbeat this morning as I was driving her to the coach.

We didn't hear from her all day and I was happy with that, thinking she must be having fun and socialising, but then she called at 8pm. She was in tears because they all went to the same school (the staff said they come from all over the area and several different schools) and they were all at a party the night before and that's all they talk about and they aren't interested in her. She just wants to phone and videochat her friends but there's no service there (she called on the activity centre's phone) She begged for DH (I don't drive) to pick her up. I said no for several reasons:

  1. She's going to have this issue at college anyway so better to get friendly with a few kids beforehand.
  1. She was keen on going on the trip and promised to stick it out.
  1. I spent a few hundred quid buying her new gear for the trip, trainers etc. Because she insisted she needed it.
  1. The activity centre is 2 hours away on a motorway and DH has had a drink. Like fuck am I letting him drive there in the dark.

I told her to stick it out for the night and if she still feels upset then to call tomorrow. I tried to comfort her but she just demanded so I ended up hanging up. She then rang DH. DH wanted to go and get her because she's been in hysterics, he proceeded to drink loads of water preparing to go. I managed to talk him out of it and DD is blowing up both of our phones.

AIBU to make her stick it out, at least for tonight? The first day was always going to be hard but sitting at home and pining over her friends won't help her settle. And wanting DH to come for her...no fucking way.

OP posts:
flappi · 01/08/2019 23:17

I think everyone is being hard on the girl . She’s just a kid .Ur her mum I would ve thought you would be on her side instead of Fing about it here .

What happened , did it ruin your night ?

DecomposingComposers · 01/08/2019 23:18

She is 16 and this will teach her a bit of resilience. These residentials are brilliant experiences. She will appreciate it in the end.

Nope, nope and nope. It didn't teach me resilience. It affected my self esteem and my mental health for years afterwards. It made me shy away from trying anything new at all because what I learned was that no one would help me and that if I didn't like something I had to stick it out. So it was much safer to refuse to do anything new. These residential experiences can be brilliant if you enjoy them. For others they are utterly miserable. And nope, 32 years on and I most certainly don't appreciate being made to stick it out.

I wish that my parents had supported me and accepted that I knew what I could and couldn't cope with rather than insisting that they knew what was best for me. They didn't and it affected me for years afterwards.

AngelsOnHigh · 01/08/2019 23:19

Decomposing. I feel exactly the same way. I still. to this day get a bit homesick if I'm away from home for too long and I'm an adult with adult DC.

Poor girl. I don't agree that the OP has to put with the swearing but it is kind of understandable in the circumstances.

Yes she is 16 and I'm usually the first one to say to say that at that age they should be pretty much self reliant. But, I know exactly how the poor girl feels.

Flashingsilver · 01/08/2019 23:21

You have my full sympathy, not much you can do about the situation, teenager is dramatically demanding you collect her, when you are unable.
You’ve spent a fortune on them, and they are ungrateful, you get sworn at etc.
Everything is wrong with the triop, but I expect she has exaggerated everything to you, in order to persuade you to pick her up, so don’t be cross with the leaders.
You’ll probably find, she did make friends, and in half an hour, if no one pays attention, she would miraculously calm down.
It doesn’t get any easier, and being abused by a teenager, and giving in, doesn’t make them behave any better.
I wouldn’t have believed how awful they can make like, and anyone who doesn’t understand this, still has toddlers.

angell84 · 01/08/2019 23:21

She is not just a kid , she is 16. When I was 16 our school went on a trip to Paris. Not all of the girls got on - there was a good bit of arguing - all girls everywhere are like this. And do you know what I thought? I am lucky to get to see Paris. I am lucky that my mum paid fo this for me.

TonTonMacoute · 01/08/2019 23:22

to this day get a bit homesick if I'm away from home for too long

It was the first night, not halfway through a six month stretch!

AngelasAshes · 01/08/2019 23:23

@DecomposingComposers. Well said and my thoughts exactly. Op is not listening to or trusting her DDs eyewitness report, instead she thinks she knows best based on whatever she is imagining the situation is like.

angell84 · 01/08/2019 23:24

Even at age 12 I was sent to another country on a trip, and I was well able to look after myself.

Lumene · 01/08/2019 23:24

We moved house just after my GCSEs and it was miserable. I still haven't quite forgiven my parents for it and I don't think I ever will

Me too although slightly younger. If they had them hung up on me asking to come home from an unfriendly residential I would certainly have remembered that and not fondly.

Though retrospectively I would very unlikely to have met my rather marvellous OH if I hadn’t moved so who knows.

angell84 · 01/08/2019 23:24

@AngelasAshes so you want the girl's dad to drive on the motorway in the dark after having a drink? That is ridiculous

Poloshot · 01/08/2019 23:25

She's 16 not 6 she can stay and get on with it

Lumene · 01/08/2019 23:25

I was sent to another country on a trip, and I was well able to look after myself.

Great but that’s a completely different situation from being permanently uprooted from all your friends against your wishes.

angell84 · 01/08/2019 23:26

Most kids move around. It is the nature of parent's jobs. I moved house and schools four time by the age of seven

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 01/08/2019 23:26

I went on plenty of trips when I was 12,13,24,15 and I never once rang for my mum to come and get me.

And all of these trips were with people you had never met before? Unusual to have so many trips with complete strangers at that age. Did your parents move house frequently?

AngelasAshes · 01/08/2019 23:26

@flashingsilver I have teens and they are nothing like what you describe.

angell84 · 01/08/2019 23:27

@lumene loads of kids have to move around. It is not unusual at all. And I was pointing out that put ny head down and got on with it on a trip with a group of girls that were not friends with other when I was age 12. Her daughter is very immature for 16

AngelasAshes · 01/08/2019 23:28

@angell84 no I specifically said they should commit to getting their DD in the morning. You’d know that if you’d read the entire thread.

DecomposingComposers · 01/08/2019 23:29

AngelsOnHigh

I think unless you've experienced it you really can't dismiss it with a simple "she needs to grow up it's only 5 days". It's like telling someone with a phobia that it's only a spider or only the outdoors or whatever.

That experience really did impact on my life. What I learnt was not how to be resilient but that new experiences weren't safe. That you couldn't change your mind,that you couldn't try something and decide it wasn't for you. Therefore, it was far safer to not try new things, to stay within your comfort zone because that was far less risky than trying something new, not liking it but being forced to stick it out.

Be careful op that in trying to build resilience you don't actually do the opposite. What if she's so upset by this that she refuses to go to college in September?

angell84 · 01/08/2019 23:29

@TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross Yes! My school was part of some european student thing - that every year would get students from different schools all over europe together. It was funded by the eu. So I did not know any of the girls.

DecomposingComposers · 01/08/2019 23:33

Her daughter is very immature for 16

And? Some kids are good at sports, some are arty, some are talented musicians, some are great at maths, some love computer games, some enjoy trips away, some don't. Funny how we are all different isn't it? Why is it that just because you liked something you assume that everyone else feels the same? Presumably you have met people that enjoy doing things that you don't like?

angell84 · 01/08/2019 23:35

There were loads of different EU projects. You guys must have done some of them aswell?
I remember I went on one aged 12, where they picked three people from five different schools in Europe and sent us to France.

And then I was in a different project where I was aged 16 where they wanted students from my school to do an exchange with student in N.Ireland , so i went to N.Ireland and spent the whole week with girls there from one school only, that I had never met before. Did you guys do stuff like that?

angell84 · 01/08/2019 23:36

@DecomposingComposers it is not about liking something. I think it is about having respect for her parents and not demand they go to get her, when they have been drinking. It is manners

PickAChew · 01/08/2019 23:38

The difference for you, then angel that the other girls didn't know each other, either. You didn't get to feel like you were a gooseberry to an established clique.

Dustybun · 01/08/2019 23:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BackforGood · 01/08/2019 23:41

Worst advice ever for 16 yr old girls. Do you even know any?

Plenty. dd2 is 17.
Both mine went on NCS. Both went on their own / without friends from school.
Of course it is a challenge. In our area, NCS is actually called 'The Challenge' - that is who runs it. If it were easy then what would people be achieving ? Some people struggle with being there without friends or families and love the activities. Some people are okay with the idea of getting to know new people but find some of the activities difficult. Some people dislike sharing a room , or getting wet and muddy, or being high up on one of the activities, or camping, or walking a long way, etc etc. Everyone will be challenged at some point, and the whole scheme was created to help 16 yr olds work on those challenges and feel that sense of achievement when they complete the weeks of activities. Giving up on the first evening isn't really what it is about. She's not given it a chance.