To refuse to collect my upset DD(16) from the trip?

[nooboo2]

Just finished Y11. She left this morning for Wales on a 5 night trip. It's an organised trip for 15/16/17 years olds (think NCS but this one is specific to kids in my area). They are at an activity centre where they stay in cabins and do activites etc, and after the 5 nights they work on a project together.

We moved straight after GCSE's from 4 hours away, so she's left all of her friends behind. We decided to send her on this as with it being kids from the local area it's likely most will go to the college she's going to, we thought it would be good for her to forge friendships and have some familiar faces to see at college. DD also was keen to go for the same reasons and was quite upbeat this morning as I was driving her to the coach.

We didn't hear from her all day and I was happy with that, thinking she must be having fun and socialising, but then she called at 8pm. She was in tears because they all went to the same school (the staff said they come from all over the area and several different schools) and they were all at a party the night before and that's all they talk about and they aren't interested in her. She just wants to phone and videochat her friends but there's no service there (she called on the activity centre's phone) She begged for DH (I don't drive) to pick her up. I said no for several reasons:

1. She's going to have this issue at college anyway so better to get friendly with a few kids beforehand.

1. She was keen on going on the trip and promised to stick it out.

1. I spent a few hundred quid buying her new gear for the trip, trainers etc. Because she insisted she needed it.

1. The activity centre is 2 hours away on a motorway and DH has had a drink. Like fuck am I letting him drive there in the dark.

I told her to stick it out for the night and if she still feels upset then to call tomorrow. I tried to comfort her but she just demanded so I ended up hanging up. She then rang DH. DH wanted to go and get her because she's been in hysterics, he proceeded to drink loads of water preparing to go. I managed to talk him out of it and DD is blowing up both of our phones.

AIBU to make her stick it out, at least for tonight? The first day was always going to be hard but sitting at home and pining over her friends won't help her settle. And wanting DH to come for her...no fucking way.

Really angel ? Did you? No one else in my year group in either school did.

In any case the amount of people doing something difficult doesn’t make it lessso.

Trying to fit in to a completely new peer group who have already gelled and who you will be stuck with every day is a completely different situation to managing on a short trip away.

Nightmare for her. If she can't cope tomorrow I'd go pick her up. She was clearly thinking everyone would be getting to know each other, but obviously that's not going to happen if they've all already got their friends there. If they all get split into group activities at the end of the residential and she's ignored it'll completely humiliate her.

I wouldn't be picking her up, she's 16, not 6. She needs to try harder to enjoy herself first, has she even asked whether it's possible for her to move to a different group where they aren't already friends?

I'd have hung up at her outburst too. And as for blowing up your phone's, well that's just ridiculous. You should also have a serious conversation about the dangers of drink driving with your DH. He's stupid for even considering it.

I wouldn't be picking her up, she's 16, not 6. She needs to try harder to enjoy herself first, has she even asked whether it's possible for her to move to a different group where they aren't already friends

I totally agree. I would certainly have a word with the leaders to see if they can move her into a different group but no way would I be collecting a 16 year old on the first night. It’s always going to be hard but once they start the activities she will get chatting to other people and hopefully find her feet.

Not unreasonable at all apart from the obvious drink driving issue (as if dh would really be that silly In reality)

She hasn’t even spent one night their yet so no it’s not unreasonable she’s not a child anymore, she’s a young adult about to go into collage this is the first of a lot of reality checks she’s about to learn in life.

Don’t pick her up (unless she’s being bullied) make her stick it out she will thank you in the end! You know what it’s like as an adult a day or two may be crap but overall the experience will be good.

If you let her quit now then your sending a message that 1. It’s okay to quit 2. Every time she demands something and cry’s you and dh will come running 3. She needs to put her big girl pants on and get on with it.

It’s not going to kill her and she will more than likely have had someone come up to her and ask if she’s okay and make friends that way.....usually how it works you know the drill. Your doing great stick to your guns and look forward to hearing about her great week!

I hope you're able to talk to her again, either this evening or in the morning and show support, even if you can't get there.
If you don't help her now, don't be surprised if she never turns to you for help again and next time it might be when she's in a dangerous situation.

Did you guys do stuff like that?

No, for reasons detailed above. Quite sure had you had a bad experience on one of these trips that you wouldn't have had such positive views of them.

it is not about liking something. I think it is about having respect for her parents and not demand they go to get her, when they have been drinking. It is manners

And should her parents not equally respect her feelings too? And what parent drinks when their child is away on a trip with complete strangers and they are the only driver? What does op even know about the organisers of this trip? They've clearly misled her about at least one aspect so what else isn't as they thought? What if the dd is unwell tonight? How would they plan on getting to her if the only driver is over the limit? I guess the dd was rude because she was distraught and upset and op isn't exactly coming over as sympathetic is she?

My son was due to work at a residential camp last summer. He pulled out because his DBS wasn't through in time but they still wanted him to go. He refused. During the first week one child over dosed on drugs, others were found to have drugs on them and a child broke a limb. Not all of these trips are what they seem to be. It depends a lot on the people on them. What does op know about it if they are new to the area?

I would have done exactly the same OP. I also wouldn't accept being yelled/sworn at. Certainly NOT the way to get me on side.

She's 16. Completely understand that it is difficult but I also don't think giving up as soon as challenged does her any favours. And it IS a challenge. No way would I be rushing to 'save' my 16 yr old. Especially one who insulted and yelled at me.

4 days to go, she'll be fine.

When DD went to university, she was surprised by the number of students she met that didn’t go home again. Not for Christmas or the summer.
I wasn’t, my parents were like you. Once I’d left and had autonomy over my life and choices, I didn’t go back either.
You moved her away from her friends and her familiar area.
She’s starting a new, unfamiliar life in September
She’s been lied to about who would be on this trip.
She’s isolated from her friendship group and doesn’t have internet.
You are incapable of getting her, even if she’d had an accident or was ill, because you can’t drive and he’s over the limit.
Yes, she’ll survive it. I did, but I was angry for a long time that I’d been powerless in so many situations like this, and my parents never took responsibility or apologised. ‘I’m sorry but...’ doesn’t count.

Well that’s rather dramatic don’t you think

This ‘she’s sixteen, not six’ bullshit repeated again and again. Ugh,

She’s a young girl who’s been uprooted from everything she knows, has been forced encouraged to go on this trip, feels alienated and miserable. Her feelings are completely understandable.

People can have deep emotions about dynamics like this all their lives and what helps is the compassion of our loved ones - support, understanding,

OP you just sound inconvenienced and intensely irritated that she isn’t instantly ok.

I’m sure she knows very well that you want her to be immediately fine - with the move, with everything - with zero inconvenience to you. She probably heard that in your voice as soon as you answered the phone. Hence the swearing.

Maybe I’m wrong and you were kind and compassionate from the off - I hope so, and if so I apologise - but don’t be too cross with her.

The mothers on here are sooooo dramatic! It’s 5 days!! Get over yourselves. She’s 16 left school she’s not a baby anymore!

And those daring to judge Op for taking chance to kick off her shoes and have a drink with dh.... get your head out of your backside!! It’s not like she’s a child and they need to be on stand by .... get a grip of yourselfs soooo judgemental

Maybe, but it’s how I felt 40 years ago. My parents were all about being resilient, having grit and being stoic if you were a child.
She’s 16, and she doesn’t know anyone and she can’t leave. She already knows her mother thinks she’s making a fuss over nothing and expects her to be tougher.

If you let her quit now then your sending a message that 1. It’s okay to quit 2. Every time she demands something and cry’s you and dh will come running 3. She needs to put her big girl pants on and get on with it.

Yes you could force her to stay and 1)make her terrified to try anything new for fear you won't let her quit 2)no matter what happens there's no point asking you for help 3) don't bother asking for help, no matter what. You ought to be able to cope and if you can't it's because you're a baby.

Or you could let her come home and send the message 1) it's ok to try different things to see if you like them. Some you'll like and some you won't be don't be scared to try. You won't be forced to carry on with something you don't like 2) we will always be there if you need us. You can count on us 3) don't be afraid to ask for help.

The driving tonight is non negotiable. I would make my disappointment felt at her pressuring her father to drink drive if you pick her up tomorrow.

I think you were right not to go get her tonight (even if your husband could have driven). It’s the end of the first day, everything is new, she is tired and emotions are high. Tomorrow might feel very different.

I’m beginning to see how my cousin came about — helpless and clingy to the extent that when she was working as a secretary aged 20 or 21 and had to accompany some senior people from the company to some trade fair in Birmingham for two nights, she was so homesick she had to go home after one.

I’m incredulous that people genuinely think you shouldn’t ever move house in case your child misses her friends or that you shouldn’t drink when your sixteen year old is on the first night of a residential trip in case she calls and needs to be collected.

Different parenting styles. One of the interesting discoveries on MN.

If I was 16, and placed with a group of friends, who are all talking about things they’ve done the night before, know each other well, have their own secrets, and were excluding me and leaving me out, I too would hate to be there.

Teenage girls can be so bloody bitchy. It is hard for an ‘outsider’ to break in. I can fully understand how she feels, and frankly people saying ‘she’s not a child’, ‘leave her there, don’t pander to her’ etc, have obviously never experienced that feeling of being left out to that extent. I hope they never have children who are in this situation. It’s things like this, that can contribute to adults who suffer with anxiety.

The advice on here is fucking ridiculous....you wonder why the next generation will be a bunch of snow flakes!! Because mothers won’t cut the apron strings and force there child out of their comfort zone.

Get a grip of yourselves ladies. OP is doing what she thinks is best you making her feel bad is not going to help the situation and is more likely going to push DH to drink drive to get his daughter.

Stupid honestly

I’ve just been back to look at OP’s post and see if I missed something.

Child goes on a camp, on the first evening she decides she doesn’t like it because it’s cliquey so she demands dad picks her up. Mum says no, wait until tomorrow and if you still don’t like it we will come. Mum puts phone down as child is rude and aggressive.

I’m failing to see the issue here. Child hasn’t given it a chance, mum hasn’t even said no, she said not tonight. Child isn’t going to be scarred for life from having to spend a night feeling a bit awkward and not loving something she hasn’t given a chance to even try.

What are we teaching our children if we immediately run to take them away from a situation without encouraging them to deal with the problem i.e discuss with staff, give it at least 24 hours? There’s an element of resilience needed. Feeling awkward and unhappy in this situation is completely normal and a child of 16 with no SEN should be learning to give it a go. As parents we owe it to our children to encourage them to step out of their comfort zones and learn some resilience.

Obviously if a couple of days in to the experience it’s really not working then that’s a different situation but to run to collect after they’ve been there 5 minutes just isn’t the right thing to do.

No Katie1118, it is just some mothers on here are not as insensitive as you seem to be. Your attitude is absolutely horrible. Some children cannot cope with being away that long. Even at 16. It might be strange to you, but everyone is different, not everyone copes the same.

It’s not like she’s a child and they need to be on stand by .... get a grip of yourselfs soooo judgemental

Do they not? If she's not a child then she should be able to decide for herself that she's coming home. So that's what should happen. Apparently she isn't a child and so must be allowed to leave if that's what she wants.

And of course her parents need to be on stand by. What if she is ill or had an accident? Should she suck that up too? What if she gets so distressed over night that the staff decide that they can't cope with her? Is op going to explain that her and DH were letting their hair down and are too pissed to drive? That'll go down well

Sorry, skipped to the end.

As a HCP, I yet further understand why we all eye-roll when the out-patient is a female, aged 15-28, definitely; up to 35, maybe - why the chances of her becoming an hysterical mess at the suggestion of a cannula, a needle is so common, we have allow extra time with them. At least 75% of them.

Why are today's young women so pathetic?

@DecomposingComposers If only I could 'like' posts on here, yours would be the first I'd like. Thank you for explaining so well. Unfortunately for some on here, it will be pearls before swine.