To refuse to collect my upset DD(16) from the trip?

[nooboo2]

Just finished Y11. She left this morning for Wales on a 5 night trip. It's an organised trip for 15/16/17 years olds (think NCS but this one is specific to kids in my area). They are at an activity centre where they stay in cabins and do activites etc, and after the 5 nights they work on a project together.

We moved straight after GCSE's from 4 hours away, so she's left all of her friends behind. We decided to send her on this as with it being kids from the local area it's likely most will go to the college she's going to, we thought it would be good for her to forge friendships and have some familiar faces to see at college. DD also was keen to go for the same reasons and was quite upbeat this morning as I was driving her to the coach.

We didn't hear from her all day and I was happy with that, thinking she must be having fun and socialising, but then she called at 8pm. She was in tears because they all went to the same school (the staff said they come from all over the area and several different schools) and they were all at a party the night before and that's all they talk about and they aren't interested in her. She just wants to phone and videochat her friends but there's no service there (she called on the activity centre's phone) She begged for DH (I don't drive) to pick her up. I said no for several reasons:

1. She's going to have this issue at college anyway so better to get friendly with a few kids beforehand.

1. She was keen on going on the trip and promised to stick it out.

1. I spent a few hundred quid buying her new gear for the trip, trainers etc. Because she insisted she needed it.

1. The activity centre is 2 hours away on a motorway and DH has had a drink. Like fuck am I letting him drive there in the dark.

I told her to stick it out for the night and if she still feels upset then to call tomorrow. I tried to comfort her but she just demanded so I ended up hanging up. She then rang DH. DH wanted to go and get her because she's been in hysterics, he proceeded to drink loads of water preparing to go. I managed to talk him out of it and DD is blowing up both of our phones.

AIBU to make her stick it out, at least for tonight? The first day was always going to be hard but sitting at home and pining over her friends won't help her settle. And wanting DH to come for her...no fucking way.

she needs to toughen up a bit...it's Day 1!

DAY ONE!

If this was day 3...i''d think about it, but she can stay...

it will be good for her first day at work, if it was shit etc, would you let her just quit?

What Janiiiiiiiiice said. YANBU. I wouldn't collect her. I'd keep telling her give it a bit longer and eke it out, before she knows it the week will be over and she'll have made friends.

I agree with the waiting until tomorrow. Hopefully, things will start to look better if she has to start actually doing things with the teens she's with.

Day one. Talk about last night.
Day two. Talk about yesterday
Etc.
The team leaders should see her isolation and will get them to work together as a team. As a 16 year old, she must tell them if she is feeling left out and they will help.

Another thing, I honestly think she may regret coming home. What if she comes home and starts college and some of her peers are saying "Oh we saw you on the trip and you left on the first/second day!"? And what if she goes and struggles mixing there and finds herself thinking she should have stayed on the trip and socialised?

I can really relate to this as we moved our 16 year old back home from overseas last year at the same age and I considered sending her on NCS for the same reason . I didn’t in the end (mainly because we didn’t get ourselves organised) but I think if she had been receptive to going which your DD has been but not enjoying it I would have definately picked her up (not tonight with the drinking issue but soon as possible). For the record my DD settled really well at sixth form in her own time over shared interests and I agree with a previous poster who said you often can’t force new friendships they need to develop so maybe this atmosphere is a bit too overwhelming.

Janice- if she’s distressed & crying & emotionaknit’s worse than not having a good time, it’s having a horrible time. Too, don’t assume this trip will result in any friends. It could equally result in her becoming the weird new kid we should tease and gaslight and then bully at school. You can’t throw kids together and expect friendship will be the result 100% of the time.

We've had to move our kids at all ages (forces family). It's tough for everyone but you need to encourage her to stick it out or she'll never make new friends.

Lots of encouraging noises on the phone, less hanging up.

Just so you know I had a similar situation , my siblings and I were abroad with our parents ( as young adults ) and our relatives wanted to take us to a ‘ course ‘ . They were our hosts so even though we weren’t keen , we went on our parents insistence while our parents stayed at some hotel for a few days to themselves .

Anyway this ‘ course ‘ supposedly sold to us like a well-being type thing turned out to be some sort of cult . My mum and dad had no clue what my relatives were into , and we rang them to ask them to pick us up ( we were abroad and didn’t know where the hell we were and had no money ).

Our parents refused and thought we were ruining everything , anyway , we ended up convincing our relative that we really didn’t want to stay and he actually found someone who was on drugs to drive us back to our parents late at night .

We went in the car because we were desperate and I we didn’t know immediately how wierd this man was and we were shitting ourselves all the way ( approx two hour journey ) my parents were pretty shitty when we got there because we ruined their few days away .

They then back tracked when they heard some shit from some other relatives about this infamous ‘ course ‘ and of course what they had done inadvertently is put us in a dangerous situation .

I’m not saying your daughter is right to want to come home , but it’s always a good idea to listen to your kids .

I would want to get her home straightaway. But yep, do not go tonight when you've both had a drink.

As you've said, wait till the morning and check she still wants to come home. And don't be dissapointed, she sounds truly very upset.

@Tweennightmare "maybe this atmosphere is a bit too overwhelming." That's what DH has been saying.

I can understand that, I'm sure going into a college classroom and meeting new people there is a lot less threatening than being put in a cabin in the middle of nowhere where you can't even text your old friends.

DD was keen to go but I think it's all just been a big shock to her once she actuslly arrived. I would like her to stick this out but if not it's not the end of the world, I just think it would be a shame.

I think op does drive she says she drove her to the coach?

i’m sorry but I think that a sixteen year old stripping and swearing at her parents is completely unacceptable behaviour.

She needs love and care, and you possibly to pick her up tomorrow and a complete bollocking for not treating you with respect.

It would be such a shame for her to go home. She hasn't given it long enough yet. The only certain way for her to make no friends is if she leaves now/tomorrow.

If she was being bullied or something awful had happened then I'd say if course go and get her in the morning, but nothing of the sort is going on. She needs to talk to people.

Also for the love of God please don't let your DH drive after drinking. That's a big no. I also think you did the right thing by ending the call. She can't just swear down the phone at you because she isn't immediately getting her own way, that's ridiculous. Does she expect her dad to drive over the limit in a non emergency situation on her whim? No.

TitianaTitsling DH drove her and I was in the car with them

I agree with stubbyboardman.
You weren’t very supportive, so she didn’t believe you about tomorrow. I would explain her about drinking and promise to come tomorrow. You don’t know she might be genuinely unlucky to get a very tight group of friends on this trip.

I'd make her stay, but I'm from a different culture where switching schools is common and where sixteen year olds are pretty much treated like adults. I guess it's a fine line between teaching her that she needs to be resilient in certain situations and knowing her parents always have her back. I'd be expecting to be paid back for the equipment though if she's bailing less than 24 hours in.

Awful for her - why did you move? Fair enough if it was something you couldn’t avoid or had to do to get away from something terrible- but it will have a massive impact on her both short & long term & you need to recognise that. Obviously wouldn’t condone drunk driving but you do sound dismissive of her feelings & a bit harsh.

As pp have said, she hasn't been bullied, she is just not enjoying it and part of the group yet. That's not enough reason to go this early and she would

Can't believe you put the phone down on her, poor lass.

I did try and comfort her. "DD I understand this is hard and I am cross with the leaders for misleading us about the other kids. The last thing we want is for you to be upset, but your dad can't drive tonight as it's dangerous. Please don't put pressure on him to come. Try and go to bed and if you still feel upset in the morning he will get you."

She responded by demanding DH come and insulting me. I didn't know what else to do and she was only getting more and more worked up so I hung up.

Why would water sober someone up?

Op- at some point you have to trust your DDs judgement when it comes to situations like this. You aren’t there, she is.
Would your DD be crying down the phone for no good reason?
Quite frankly, if she ends up struggling at school it won’t be because she bailed on NCS the first day!
I feel like you are just making up “what if” scenarios so you can justify coercing your DD into staying. Are those things you were planning to say to her? “If you come home, I think you’ll regret it. Won’t you be embarrassed if some of the kids there recognise you at school and ask why you left? If you struggle, it’ll be your own fault for having left NCS on day 1.”

That sounds really manipulative to me tbh. You don’t know the atmosphere there. You don’t know how the other kids are acting towards your DD. Again, you either trust your DD because she is living it, or you trust whatever you visualise is happening there over what she says.

Poor poppet - ripped away from her friends and you hang up on her!,

I would ring one of the leaders and ask them to keep an eye ok her and to get her Involved. I would not be going to get her unless she was been bullied.