To refuse to collect my upset DD(16) from the trip?

[nooboo2]

Just finished Y11. She left this morning for Wales on a 5 night trip. It's an organised trip for 15/16/17 years olds (think NCS but this one is specific to kids in my area). They are at an activity centre where they stay in cabins and do activites etc, and after the 5 nights they work on a project together.

We moved straight after GCSE's from 4 hours away, so she's left all of her friends behind. We decided to send her on this as with it being kids from the local area it's likely most will go to the college she's going to, we thought it would be good for her to forge friendships and have some familiar faces to see at college. DD also was keen to go for the same reasons and was quite upbeat this morning as I was driving her to the coach.

We didn't hear from her all day and I was happy with that, thinking she must be having fun and socialising, but then she called at 8pm. She was in tears because they all went to the same school (the staff said they come from all over the area and several different schools) and they were all at a party the night before and that's all they talk about and they aren't interested in her. She just wants to phone and videochat her friends but there's no service there (she called on the activity centre's phone) She begged for DH (I don't drive) to pick her up. I said no for several reasons:

1. She's going to have this issue at college anyway so better to get friendly with a few kids beforehand.

1. She was keen on going on the trip and promised to stick it out.

1. I spent a few hundred quid buying her new gear for the trip, trainers etc. Because she insisted she needed it.

1. The activity centre is 2 hours away on a motorway and DH has had a drink. Like fuck am I letting him drive there in the dark.

I told her to stick it out for the night and if she still feels upset then to call tomorrow. I tried to comfort her but she just demanded so I ended up hanging up. She then rang DH. DH wanted to go and get her because she's been in hysterics, he proceeded to drink loads of water preparing to go. I managed to talk him out of it and DD is blowing up both of our phones.

AIBU to make her stick it out, at least for tonight? The first day was always going to be hard but sitting at home and pining over her friends won't help her settle. And wanting DH to come for her...no fucking way.

No way would I get her. She's 16 and they have to learn some degree of resilience. She could end up staying and having a brilliant time!

Insensitive yes I can agree to some extent.

On the other hand some children need to be pushed to make the best of the situation and be put in a position where they need to make the best of a situation .... she’s going to have to face going into the big bad world soon .... do you think daddy is going to drop everything and come running when she’s in her 20s because she doesn’t like something she hasn’t even given a chance.

No way would I collect a 16 yo on the first night away just because she is feeling left out. Unsafe? Yeah, of course. But she needs to build up some life skills here. If things don't improve after night 2, I would collect her as she gave it a try. But being rude and insulting down the phone and trying to play OP off against DH is not justified. You were right to hang up. She can ring again when she can be sad but civil.

Katie’s only 25, so she’s not posting from the POV of a parent of a teen, but from the ‘FFS, I’d not have a problem with it, so why does she?’ Confidence without empathy.

Child isn’t going to be scarred for life from having to spend a night feeling a bit awkward and not loving something she hasn’t given a chance to even try.

Yes some children really are scarred by it. And those scars go into adulthood with you. Do you really think teaching kids to suck it up, stop being a baby, don't ask for help, don't talk about your feelings, do what we tell you to do, stick it out even if it makes you unhappy is the way to good mental health?

Could you contact the organisers and get them to check on her?

I so worry for so many of you's 16 year old girls. They sound like what I'd call 12 year olds.

Why have we so summarily failed to instill any resilience in them?

Decomposing, I'm nodding along to all your posts, you're writing exactly what I want to say.

I'd be talking to the staff at the centre to get some insight and help.

Don’t patronise me, I have an 8 month old and and 8 year old and in care of a 10 year old....

But of cause because I’m 25 I know nothing.

Probably had more life experience than most of you put together

Every time something like this comes up on here (there was a recent one about a 14 or 15 year old boy who didn't want to go camping), there are always what I presume are extroverts saying how a parent should FORCE their child to go, it will build resilience, they will love it in the end, etc etc and always other posts who correct these people and state just how harmful and detrimental it can be to a child to trap them in situations like that. Yet people on here still repeat the same misinformed rubbish, despite being corrected by others.

Yes some children really are scarred by it. And those scars go into adulthood with you. Do you really think teaching kids to suck it up, stop being a baby, don't ask for help, don't talk about your feelings, do what we tell you to do, stick it out even if it makes you unhappy is the way to good mental health?

No I don’t but I also think that rushing to collect a 16 year old who hasn’t even been away for 12 hours and who is safe and doesn’t have additional needs is ridiculous. If it’s still a problem in a day or so then absolutely, collect them but I don’t think that running as soon as they shout is helping them in any way at all

And your qualifications in child psychology are?

So yes, you were pregnant at 16 and dealt with all sorts of challenges that this 16 year old hasn’t. How does that make my comment inaccurate?
You have achieved and managed responsibilities others haven’t, and you don’t understand why she’s struggling.

YANBU
She is 16 years old, and it is day one- having a tantrum and demanding to be collected would result in a clear message from me telling her to get a grip...make contact tomorrow and reiterate this message- she wanted to go, so tell her to either mix in or get a good book and sit it out. If she doesn't, she will have a much harder time explaining her tantrum to her new 'friends'. Don't encourage this flakiness- she isn't 10 and out with the Brownies. If it carries on then have a word with leaders or whomever, but she's got the gear, you have paid the money and she needs to get on with it. Many don't get a choice of such a holiday and she needs to realise she is lucky and you, her parents are not at her beck and call.

A friend's DD went on a Guide Camp culinary challenge, aged 16, 2 nights, 20 miles from home, with girls she 'knew' but wasn't necessarily friends with, having parted company at secondary school.

Her DD rang home to be collected evening of first night. Got delivered back midday second day, when the rest had done all the planning, buying etc for the challenge. Then asked to go home, and was, picked up late on evening two, by parents, delivered back early on final day; challenge judged etc.

Mum is still angry that her DD's sparse contribution to the weekend was not acknowledged; all 'at least she was there, both days' (ish). No recognition that the others Got On With It. And stayed over both nights.

Yes, I tend to be around overbearing unrealistic unreasonable people that mollycoddle their children like their incapable of doing things for themselves....of cause be supportive at the end of the phone.

I used to hate going to school but I had to go, I found it uncomfortable on these trips at first but you get over it pretty fast

This is a thread I was talking about. Not exactly the same, but very similar in philosophy. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3642325-For-not-making-DS-go-on-this-trip

Ringing the leaders tomorrow morning might be a good idea. They can maybe place her in a different group if needed tomorrow. Also they can keep an eye on her and check how she is doing.

I'm a total introvert. Would've done the same as your daughter, I used to count down the hours and minutes till my mum would come get me.
But she almost never came for me early, and certainly never straight away.
I'm glad she didn't, it taught me to stick it out, sometimes it got better. Sometimes it didn't. But I learned I could cope either way.
Sometimes it was just overwhelming knowing I had to be there for days and days
So we would say ok let's discuss how you are in 24 hours
Or ok make it to day 3 and I'll come get you no questions if you need it. That felt more manageable to me, I had an escape so I could stop worrying and just have a nice time until I could go home.
Usually by day 3 I was like oh I may as well stick it out, I'm home day 5 anyway (or whatever the length of the trip was) sometimes I wanted to be collected. My mum would say ok, do you honestly think you've tried your best? Yes - ok great. Let's go.
No - ok would you like to try your best for the remainder of the trip?

If she's going to go away to uni (or even just start uni in your hometown) in two years she needs to be able to stand on her own two feet a bit, unless she's got other factors here such as previous traumatic history, MH issues etc I really think you should try make a deal and a compromise with her.
I'm surprised the amount of people saying to bring her home immediately.

Sorry but you are the one who seems overbearing, trying to force your view on everyone else and unable to stop and consider that not every child is like you were.

And no, as many people have attested to, not everyone 'gets over it pretty fast'. Some still have trust issues with their parents years later. You just don't get it.

I rang the activity centre who then put me on to DD's group leader.

Apparently the group seemed to take DD under their wing and DD was fine with them, apparently they had tea together etc. DD was seen laughing with them apparently. Straight after tea there was a campfire but DD didn't turn up to that and the group had said she'd wandered off as they were walking down. Group leader says they found her in the dorm crying. She had asked to be left in the room alone to calm down but due to safeguarding they couldn't and tried to take her to the campfire. She refused so they took her to reception to phone me. They are now all in the bedrooms and DD is in with them.

I am baffled. Absolutely baffled. DD didn't say any of this on the phone, just that they all knew each other and didn't bother with her. It sounds to me like things had been going well but DD became overwhelmed and just needed a bit of time to breathe. Who knows, though. I can't contact her now as there is no service unless they go to reception.

My children are 25 and 20. Both have moved away to uni without incident. Bit incredibly resilient. You know why? Because we gave them the courage to try lots of new things, knowing that we were right there and supported them. They still know, absolutely, that we would drop everything if they needed us. They rarely ask us for help. They'll phone and talk over problems, sometimes ask for advice and almost always sort it themselves because they know that we won't force them to do something that they don't want to do, that we trust them to know what's right for them and we will support their decisions.

As someone else said this is akin to chucking a non swimmer into the deep end and waiting for them to sink or swim. Not every child will swim.

The feelings that I had when I was homesick have never left me and I am now 50. The feeling of panic, of fear, of desperation - I can remember that as though it was yesterday. I was subjected to the tough love, pull yourself together and stick it out, it's only a week school of parenting that some of you are espousing. It didn't make me resilient. It made me scared, timid, afraid to try anything new. It made me turn down a dream of going to uni and that shaped the course of my life. What I needed was a more gentle, nurturing approach to give me the confidence to stay away from home.

Tough love doesn't work for everyone.

Why would you be very disappointed if she still wanted to come home tomorrow?