MIL ignoring my requests

[mybigwineglass]

My DC (11 months) has an egg allergy. We discovered it around 6 months after eating scrambled egg. Came out in hives. Took to GP who did test and confirmed. We were told in no uncertain terms not to give DC ANY egg, even if fully cooked in cakes etc and to have another test at 12 months. Told reaction is usually worse the second time. Given epipen (albeit more as a belt and braces safety precaution) and piriton.

MIL has DC 3.5 days a week (we pay her, though a fraction of nursery cost). We supply all food/milk/snacks/nappies/everything and have told her several times in no uncertain terms is she to give him anything we haven't supplied. If anything happened re his allergy we'd never forgive her (or ourselves).

She has asked on numerous occasions about giving him things - bread, mini milk lollies, biscuits etc, as she feels he is "missing out" when his cousins have those things (they are older). I have said again, on more than one occasion, no. E.g. I looked up mini milk online and nestle say that they cannot guarantee egg free as some suppliers are importing from continent and their practices different.

Picking DC up from hers yesterday and he's had a mini milk. It's not the first time she's given him stuff behind my back. She just won't fucking listen. This is my precious DC after a MMC. I want to tell her yet AGAIN DO NOT FUCKING GIVE HIM ANYTHING I DO NOT SUPPLY.

AIBU?

Stop letting her babysit. There's no other way of guaranteeing she won't give him things.

As a mother with a child with suspected allergies this would be a deal breaker for me . So dangerous and against very clear advice on multiple occasions. I would be furious .

I would book him into a nursery. It's not worth the risk. Then never leave her alone with him.

Yes, YABU.

MIL has DC 3.5 days a week (we pay her, though a fraction of nursery cost)

You need to stop this arrangement pronto and pay the going rate for proper childcare where the carer respects your wishes.

You aren’t being unreasonable but, the mumsnet line seems to be that you like it or lump it where a relative is providing childcare.
Personally, I would be looking in to as much nursery care as I could afford and explaining that it is because you need to feel confident that his allergies are being respected

Unfortunately I don’t think this arrangement is working for you. You can’t put the savings from nursery above the safety of your child. She probably doesn’t believe it’s ‘that bad’ but you can’t keep leaving your child with her if she can’t be trusted.

Find alternative childcare who will respect the fact that your child could potentially suffer an anaphalactic shock due to exposure to egg. You cannot trust your mil so she doesn't get to mind your baby.

Yep. Tell her she's fired.

The desire for grannies to give kids stuff they think they are missing out on v threat to life.

I think the milk train is stopping op. There is no way on this earth I would be handing my dc over with allergy and someone who just won't listen.

The buck stops either you. You would be blamed, you know she didn't listen and you still handed him over.

She won't change. You'll have to use a nursery if you want full control.

Just to cheer you up slightly, the same thing happened to DS1 and he had grown out of it by the time he was re- tested. At the allergy clinic they said it was one of the allergies most likely to be grown out of.

Yes, she can't have him anymore. Find another childcare solution now and do not feel any guilt.

I mean, shout at her too, but it won't change her. So sack her.

You need alternative childcare. Make sure you tell her why and that you won't be leaving the bairn unsupervised with her again until he's older.

She clearly won't listen either and you will never get through to her.

You cant complain when you're enjoying cheap childcare. Move him to a nursery where he can used to being around other kids and food and self training with help as he gets older to avoid egg ready for school later. But also because at nursery they will do as you ask because you're paying for it.

Pay for proper childcare OP. She is doing you a massive favour.

Would nursery respect it though? I mean, is he more likely to be given something with egg in by another kid when they're not looking? (sorry I have no experience of nursery so not entirely sure what it entails)

You cant complain when you're enjoying cheap childcare.

Of course she can. How ridiculous.

Another vote for sack her. Would you ever feel 100x confident leaving him there? Today it's a mini milk, tomorrow a cookie etc until he's in hospital again. I've read so many horror stories about MILs just not listening to parents about allergies. She's had a chance and she's blown it.

You can’t possibly send him to her any more. You know she is ignoring an essential instruction and now it’s on you to decide what to do about that. If you send him there again and something happens you would never forgive yourself. It’s such a shame to lose that childcare but it’s black and white-he isn’t safe there. So you simply cannot send him ever again. And make sure MiL knows exactly why the arrangement is ending and that she can no longer have even a minute of unsupervised access. You have to step up for your son here and put his safety above the financial benefits of this arrangement.

As infuriating at she is I think you need to stop using her for childcare. She’s not going to listen to you.

I don’t understand why you can’t see this?

yes, you're right. I'd better start looking at nurseries.

What does your bloke say about it all?

Whilst I agree that your MIL is being very unreasonable and it must be really stressful for you, I am surprised that the advice I’ve received from my local hospital regarding my child’s egg allergy at a similar age, differed so much to the advice you’ve been given. My child gets hives and vomits immediately when he reacts to egg. I wasn’t given an epipen though, just Piriton, and was told to start on the “egg ladder” and keep trying every few months if he was still reacting.