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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL ignoring my requests

185 replies

mybigwineglass · 31/07/2019 20:44

My DC (11 months) has an egg allergy. We discovered it around 6 months after eating scrambled egg. Came out in hives. Took to GP who did test and confirmed. We were told in no uncertain terms not to give DC ANY egg, even if fully cooked in cakes etc and to have another test at 12 months. Told reaction is usually worse the second time. Given epipen (albeit more as a belt and braces safety precaution) and piriton.

MIL has DC 3.5 days a week (we pay her, though a fraction of nursery cost). We supply all food/milk/snacks/nappies/everything and have told her several times in no uncertain terms is she to give him anything we haven't supplied. If anything happened re his allergy we'd never forgive her (or ourselves).

She has asked on numerous occasions about giving him things - bread, mini milk lollies, biscuits etc, as she feels he is "missing out" when his cousins have those things (they are older). I have said again, on more than one occasion, no. E.g. I looked up mini milk online and nestle say that they cannot guarantee egg free as some suppliers are importing from continent and their practices different.

Picking DC up from hers yesterday and he's had a mini milk. It's not the first time she's given him stuff behind my back. She just won't fucking listen. This is my precious DC after a MMC. I want to tell her yet AGAIN DO NOT FUCKING GIVE HIM ANYTHING I DO NOT SUPPLY.

AIBU?

OP posts:
madeyemoodysmum · 01/08/2019 08:17

My in laws used to leave bangs of peanuts laying around knowing dd has a nut allergy. Drove me made but dh said something and they did stop.

Your mil needs a stern talking to from your dh. She won’t listen to you. If she doesn’t listen to him she doesn’t get alone time with your child.

In the long term dd was also reacting to egg as a toddler. She grew out of it ah d can eat any egg now cooked semi cooked. Etc.
There is hope.

Still has a nut allergy though but it’s not reacting to airborne or touch and she is now old enough to look out for herself which helps.

billybagpuss · 01/08/2019 08:17

Did she check the packaging before she gave it to your DC? If it doesn’t list egg on it so she may have thought it was ok.

I absolutely agree that if you’ve told her she should only give food supplied by you she should absolutely abide by that, but grandma’s like to treat their dgc’s. Can you maybe show her some of the reactions online to the allergy but then give her a list of ‘treats’ that are allowed so she can buy them in for when dc is with her.

My mum always liked to buy in things for the kids, we’ve since got a dog and she even does it for her and when we said the bonio was too big and would effect her weight she went out and bought smaller ones for next time.

So rather than a blanket ‘you’re not allowed to give her anything else’, give her a list of stuff that’s ok.

If that still doesn’t work then yes nursery.

madeyemoodysmum · 01/08/2019 08:19

Bonio isn’t that a dog biscuit 😉

AgentJohnson · 01/08/2019 08:19

It is his grandma so we can't never leave her alone with him - not practical.

I’m guessing a hospital admission or worse, is more inconvenient.

Prioritise the health of your child and put your hand in your damn pocket.

madeyemoodysmum · 01/08/2019 08:20

Oops yes it is for a dog. 😊😖

BertrandRussell · 01/08/2019 08:21

To be fair, mini milks do not have egg listed as an ingredient.

MRex · 01/08/2019 08:22

I cannot understand why a grandmother would put her grandson at risk. Nursery is the only option.

GreenTulips · 01/08/2019 08:24

To be fair, mini milks do not have egg listed as an ingredient

OP has told GM that she is to only give him food supplied by her - so that’s irrelevant.

Helendee · 01/08/2019 08:25

Haven’t got time to read whole thread but to summarise ... child has egg allergy and granny gives him an egg-free ice lolly?
Huh?

Fragalino · 01/08/2019 08:29

I guess op knows that sometimes it's hard to descern what has what in it.

Op has scrutinised and carefully picked through a list of stuff she knows is OK.

For peace of mind and the safety of her son she has furnished her Mil with a safe list. There is simply no reason on this earth why anyone would want to stray from this list.
I cannot understand why anyone would defend the urge of granny to give the child what she dam well wants over the safety of the child?

Really!?

Sexnotgender · 01/08/2019 08:29

You need to send your child to a proper nursery. You’ve told her repeatedly and she’s not listening.

You have every right to be pissed off regardless of the fact she’s looking after your child at a reduced rate.

I think you’re being a little precious about the mini milk as it doesn’t contain egg.

I was in hospital with my daughter a few years ago and a little boy was on the same ward. His gran had given him a cereal bar without checking the ingredients despite him having a severe nut allergy. He very nearly died.

BasilTheGreat · 01/08/2019 08:32

Is it possible to bring her on your child’s GP appointment ? Maybe hearing it from the GP will help

Sceptre86 · 01/08/2019 08:33

This arrangement is not working for you, put lo in paid childcare and inform them of your child's allergy, they will need to be supplied with an EpiPen and will take all necessary precautions. Getting some people to understand allergies is hard and if you have already been quite straightforward with mil but she is refusing to accept she is not suitable for childcare. True allergies like the type your lo has are a real threat to life, no one dies from not eating cake!

My dd came out in a reaction after having scrambled egg at 6 months too. The rash came out around her mouth and chin literally seconds after she ate it. We were told no egg for a year, given an EpiPen and they would do an allergy test after she was 18 months old to confirm. A lot of kids do grow out of this. Allergy test did not show enough of a reaction to be labelled as positive, her arm went red but no swelling. I have not tried egg again and she is 3 but will start to try ( hard boiled egg first). Nursery were aware that she is not to have egg but could have it baked in cakes for example.

floribunda18 · 01/08/2019 08:35

I think you have to look at the reality of the situation, she gave him a mini milk which does not actually have eggs in it and presumably he was fine. Definitely go through the risks again with her, but I would give her another chance.

Fragalino · 01/08/2019 08:35

Op has looked up mini milk and whilst ingredient says no egg they can't guarantee it.

I can't get my head around a baby needing to have a mini milk because he's missing out and literally his life being put at risk.

I can't fathom it. The op has done her research on it and discounted it due to the risk.

Howyiz · 01/08/2019 08:35

Has your husband talked to her about it?
I would have him have the conversation, that yes, he might be fine after a product but he might not be fine. Why is she willing to chance it, especially when the allergy will be rechecked at 12 months?
If she let a small child cross the road without supervision, they might be fine but on the other hand they might be knocked down and hurt, so would she chance that, it is the same thing.
I second a pp I would bring her to a doctors appointment and let the doctor explain it to her.
I think the big problem is when people don't believe in allergies they have a tenancy to try and prove they are right. Is it more important for her to be right or for your child not to be put in danger.

Helendee · 01/08/2019 08:38

If your child has a known allergy surely you would leave them with someone who has paediatric first aid training and is trained in coping with allergies, e.g, a childminder, nanny or nursery worker?

TwoTinyCrafters · 01/08/2019 08:41

Same happened to me with my child re. Allergies (althoigh we were paying mil for childcare, I don't think it makes a difference when respect and safety are concerned) . I showed MIL a video of a child having an anaphalactic shock and printed out a what could happen list. I also told her that it was last chance saloon and I would be looking at alternative care if my wishes weren't respected. I think seeing it for herself made her realise I wasn't being an overprotective new mum and that this really was dangerous. I didn't have any more problems after that.

User7429001 · 01/08/2019 08:42

Op has done her research 're mini milks and has therefore made the decision that the risk is to high. She has made her decision and that should be respected by mil and mumsnet. No child ever came to harm due to lack of mini milks, but they have been harmed by people ignoring allergy advice.

BertrandRussell · 01/08/2019 08:53

Sorry- I didn’t notice that the OP had specifically said no mini milks. She certainly shouln’t have given him one.
However- I do think that it will be very difficult to keep to a not packed in a guaranteed egg free environment rule. It’s not something that appears on packets. Is that what the doctor told you to do, OP?

Soontobe60 · 01/08/2019 08:54

The first thing to ask is, did he have a reaction to the Mini Milk?

Yes, your MIL didn't follow your instructions, but I assume she did read the ingredients on the label. She most likely does this with anything that she might give your DS. She won't purposely be setting out to harm him.
Most manufacturers put a disclaimer on labels these days to cover their backs in the event someone tries to sue them. No one can guarantee any food production is totally sterile, ever!

Fragalino · 01/08/2019 09:00

Bertrand Russell you started off supporting the op, which is frankly an unusual stance for you.

Now your questioning whether epi pens are actually given out in such circs, even though op has been given one.
Now your back peddling on the the mini milk. You didn't even read the op where she says she's checked it out

It seems to me you don't believe the op? Do you think op is a troll?

If this is the the case you need to report the op behind the scenes via the report button.
Now, are you coming out to defend the Mil giving the baby mini milk?

Did you see itv news this morning? The boy who died from allergic reaction?

Fragalino · 01/08/2019 09:03

Also, op says she's always pushing to give him other stuff because he's missing out.

She's been bursting to give him other stuff and now that dam has literally burst with the mini milk. It's not even so much the mini milk its what it represents.

She won't listen her desires over ride mums instructions, and basic sound advice to keep the child safe.

Jellybeansincognito · 01/08/2019 09:04

Yabu! She’s not listening, pay for proper childcare- you’re the one who is trusting her with your dc knowing she will not listen to you.

BertrandRussell · 01/08/2019 09:12

“Bertrand Russell you started off supporting the op, which is frankly an unusual stance for you.”
No it’s not. The grandmother should certainly not give the child anything not approved by his mother. I didn’t realise that she had specifically said no to mini-milks- for some reason I thought she had researched them after he’s had one. And egg is not on the list of ingredients.
As the aunt of 3 egg allergic children, I was also wondering whether the OP was making life more difficult for herself than she need. I know that their parents were not concerned about ensuring that food had been made in an egg free atmosphere and whether she could check with her dr about this. This is unconnected to food being given by the grandmother- just something which might make the OP’s life easier.