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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL ignoring my requests

185 replies

mybigwineglass · 31/07/2019 20:44

My DC (11 months) has an egg allergy. We discovered it around 6 months after eating scrambled egg. Came out in hives. Took to GP who did test and confirmed. We were told in no uncertain terms not to give DC ANY egg, even if fully cooked in cakes etc and to have another test at 12 months. Told reaction is usually worse the second time. Given epipen (albeit more as a belt and braces safety precaution) and piriton.

MIL has DC 3.5 days a week (we pay her, though a fraction of nursery cost). We supply all food/milk/snacks/nappies/everything and have told her several times in no uncertain terms is she to give him anything we haven't supplied. If anything happened re his allergy we'd never forgive her (or ourselves).

She has asked on numerous occasions about giving him things - bread, mini milk lollies, biscuits etc, as she feels he is "missing out" when his cousins have those things (they are older). I have said again, on more than one occasion, no. E.g. I looked up mini milk online and nestle say that they cannot guarantee egg free as some suppliers are importing from continent and their practices different.

Picking DC up from hers yesterday and he's had a mini milk. It's not the first time she's given him stuff behind my back. She just won't fucking listen. This is my precious DC after a MMC. I want to tell her yet AGAIN DO NOT FUCKING GIVE HIM ANYTHING I DO NOT SUPPLY.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Fragalino · 01/08/2019 09:19

Bertrand you have a reputation on here for going against dils in favour of mils.
The questions re the epi pen sound like you don't belive the op.

The doctor has been presented with baby having allergic reaction. Baby is mere 12 months old.

Is it hard to understand that they are in limbo? Because of the babies age and because they don't know whether the baby will shed this off or whether it will develop?

I'm sure your niece's and nephews are older than 12 months and perhaps the parents and health authorities have a good estimation as to the severity of thier allegeries and therefore the same level of caution is redundant?

Fragalino · 01/08/2019 09:20

The Mil is making life more difficult by failing to stick to a simple list /instruction.

Life is very fragile, it can be whipped away in seconds.

BertrandRussell · 01/08/2019 09:24

“The Mil is making life more difficult by failing to stick to a simple list /instruction.“
I agree.
But on a separate point I think that the OP should check that she needs to ensure an egg free environment for her son’s food, whatever she wants her MIL to do. Because it is possible that she is giving herself unnecessary work and anxiety.

Pantsomime · 01/08/2019 09:32

OP the almost larger question is - if the worst happens can your mil administer the epipen/ help where a child has swollen airways and can’t breathe or will she panic? Check nursery are they trained/ used to this scenario? Whether or not she listens to you is almost academic although at his age he’s unlikely to find food by himself - paid nursery is your route here

TinglyRain · 01/08/2019 09:34

@Helendee
Haven’t got time to read whole thread but to summarise ... child has egg allergy and granny gives him an egg-free ice lolly?
Huh?

I think you should read the actual OP's posts at least. Mini Milk may contain egg, so not egg free.

I wouldn't give my DC who is peanut allergic something that 'May contain peanuts' because that would be stupid and irresponsible and it might kill them.

Granny can't be trusted to not give the child egg free clearly.

Fragalino · 01/08/2019 09:46

The op can't check this Bertrand Russel because he's 12. Months old.

I'm sure the op and her gp, who are taking sensible safe precautions know what they are doing. I'm sure after his next test they can either relax a little or increase food security.

Ayemama · 01/08/2019 09:49

Oh god people can be so relaxed about other people's children when it comes to allergies.
Have you suggested that she and your DS and her other DGC if they are there help make their own ice lollies? Even just diluting Juice frozen is OK then you know it's safe.

My MIL is no longer allowed to be left alone with either of my DC.
My DD has a milk allergy (CMPA) and MIL has admitted to giving her "tastes" of things such as ice cream (his family is obsessed with lollies and ice cream, his M gives the kids one after breakfast and at multiple other points of the day), butter cream on cakes and milkshakes.
She did it again after us talking to her then my DH left DD with her while visiting (they live 2 hours away) after I had already imposed the ban and she was given ice cream, had a terrible reaction and ended up in hospital and MIL asked him not to tell me it was her fault!
So now we have very little contact and what we do have is always over seen by me and DH was not allowed to take them down there on his own for almost a year.

QueenofmyPrinces · 01/08/2019 09:51

I have the same problem with my FIL who persistently gives my son dairy products when he knows he has a milk allergy. He once gave my son a handful of maltesers “as a treat”.

My DH has spoken to FIL numerous times, as have I, but it makes no difference.

He would never even think to look at the ingredients to see if milk is listed in them.

Mind you - the other day he went to give my son a milkshake!!!!

There’s no excuse for that level of stupidity.

It drives me mad.

firstimemamma · 01/08/2019 09:54

You're mil is being ridiculous! No baby should be having any of what she thinks is ok e.g. biscuits, mini milks etc. However she's especially taking the piss considering your baby's allergy issues! What does she say when you try and explain the severity of the allergy situation?

I'd put baby in a nursery if I were you. Sorry.

KUGA · 01/08/2019 10:08

This sounds really awful.
When she next gives your DC anything with egg in go home and say nothing.
Then I would give her a call after picking your DC up and let on that you have to take DC to hospital as he has had an allergic reaction to something etc.
Naughty but it may frighten her and stop putting DC in danger.
Other than that ,its nursery time.
DC is the most important person here.

TinglyRain · 01/08/2019 10:25

When she next gives your DC anything with egg in go home and say nothing.

There shouldn't be a next time. The DC could die, EpiPens aren't given out for nothing.

contrary13 · 01/08/2019 10:29

My oldest has severe peanut/legume allergies. When she was growing up, her paternal grandparents used to give her peanut butter and Snickers bars. She'd come back and her chest would start to tighten/she'd get wheezy... I'd give her the Piriton we were told to dose her with, and she'd (thankfully) recover. Many years later, it came to light that they were playing around with my daughter's actual life... because they didn't believe that she was allergic.

Could your MIL be thinking similarly? If you show her the test results/letters from your child's doctors explaining what was agreed during a consultation, might she buck her ideas up? Because even if you put your child into a nursery, she's your child's grandmother. She's still going to be a part of their life, and you cannot risk her putting their health/life in danger if/when you turn your back for 5 minutes. Can you?

81Byerley · 01/08/2019 10:59

@contrary13 That is shocking!

CardinalCat · 01/08/2019 11:08

FGS, mini-milks do NOT HAVE EGG IN THEM. Grin

That aside,m it sounds like the trust has gone in this arrangement and you'd be better finding nursery, and also pestering your GP for a proper allergy referral, as you shouldn't just be left with an 11mo with an EpiPen and an 'egg allergy for life' (not a thing at this age) and no advice as to how to better manage that/ do the allergy ladder.

BertrandRussell · 01/08/2019 11:22

Careful, @CardinalCat- I queried the advice the OP had got and apparently that means I don‘t believe her.....

BertrandRussell · 01/08/2019 11:24

For the record, I do believe her. I just think she’s had crap advice.

Nautiloid · 01/08/2019 11:26

She can't be trusted to safeguard your child, therefore he can't be left alone with her any longer.

Teddybear45 · 01/08/2019 11:31

All but the most exclusive private nurseries will do the same as your mum. If the product doesn’t list egg as an ingredient or display a warning on the package it will be given to your DC. Nobody will research stuff on websites.

I think you need to go back to your GP and get concrete advice as to whether a totally egg free environment is suitable for your DD. If they say yes then get your DH to talk to his mum and if necessary, as you are paying, insist she comes to your house to care for DD.

GreenTulips · 01/08/2019 11:41

All but the most exclusive private nurseries will do the same as your mum

No they will feed the child what the mum provides and nothing else.

I personally think as you know what GM is doing that ultimately you are responsible for your child’s needs and they aren’t being met. You know they are not being met.

You have to step up and take responsibility and move her.

Missingstreetlife · 01/08/2019 12:06

Do ppl not get that some allergies are more severe than others.
Even if op is over cautious she is the child's mother.
Stop your child from having unsupervised contact and tell her why.

Fragalino · 01/08/2019 12:34

Bertrand could you enlighten us, op on your medical qualifications please

Fragalino · 01/08/2019 12:37

Missing, the gp has cautioned op because the second reaction could be more serious.

This is a vulnerable small infant, the doc has given epi pen in case because they do not know yet which way this will turn.

Apparently however according to some posters this is rubbish advice. Apparently they should know more after this first episode and op shouldn't be so carful.

Pleaser256 · 01/08/2019 12:51

Just because the MiL is doing OP a “favour”, does not mean she can call the shots. When I went back to work, I outlined plans to put DS into nursery for 4 days (and I have him on a Friday). My MiL got very upset and begged my DH that she have him for 2 days a week. We said yes as clearly it meant a lot to her, but there was no way that she would be allowed to parent how she wanted just because she was saving us £100 a week. It was her choice, just like it is the MIL’s choice in respect of the OP

MoseShrute · 01/08/2019 13:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LizB62A · 01/08/2019 13:09

So, even though you know your MIL has given and will continue to give your child food which contains egg, you'll still let her have him unsupervised?
You simply can't leave him with her - however "impractical" it is for you.
She can only see him when supervised by you (as your DH is very unlikely to stand up to her)

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