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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL ignoring my requests

185 replies

mybigwineglass · 31/07/2019 20:44

My DC (11 months) has an egg allergy. We discovered it around 6 months after eating scrambled egg. Came out in hives. Took to GP who did test and confirmed. We were told in no uncertain terms not to give DC ANY egg, even if fully cooked in cakes etc and to have another test at 12 months. Told reaction is usually worse the second time. Given epipen (albeit more as a belt and braces safety precaution) and piriton.

MIL has DC 3.5 days a week (we pay her, though a fraction of nursery cost). We supply all food/milk/snacks/nappies/everything and have told her several times in no uncertain terms is she to give him anything we haven't supplied. If anything happened re his allergy we'd never forgive her (or ourselves).

She has asked on numerous occasions about giving him things - bread, mini milk lollies, biscuits etc, as she feels he is "missing out" when his cousins have those things (they are older). I have said again, on more than one occasion, no. E.g. I looked up mini milk online and nestle say that they cannot guarantee egg free as some suppliers are importing from continent and their practices different.

Picking DC up from hers yesterday and he's had a mini milk. It's not the first time she's given him stuff behind my back. She just won't fucking listen. This is my precious DC after a MMC. I want to tell her yet AGAIN DO NOT FUCKING GIVE HIM ANYTHING I DO NOT SUPPLY.

AIBU?

OP posts:

feelingsicknow · 31/07/2019 21:11

Look at what happened to my DS the one and only time I gave him egg. Show them to your MIL.

InsertFunnyUsername · 31/07/2019 21:13

The fact your MIL knows he has an allergy but still trys him on food you haven't sent him with, is enough for me. I wouldn't mess about with my own childs health in that way, let alone anyone elses!

But i suspect because of the child care arrangement, she feels entitled to (some responses on this thread prove that) so just nip it in the bud, its easier all round.

lyralalala · 31/07/2019 21:15

it is his grandma, so we can't never leave her alone with him - not practical.

Not practical?

How practical will it be when you have to take time off work when your child is hospitalised?

Watch a video online of someone having an allergic reaction and then see if practical is still important to you. Once you've watched it if you decide to risk it with her make her watch it too.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 31/07/2019 21:17

Well she is obviously in the wrong if she is giving him things behind your back. That said she is either checking what she is giving him or the allergy has gone or not as serious. Because presumably if she had been giving him things containing egg he would have had a reaction?
Does she know how to administer the epipen?

Original poster

mybigwineglass · 31/07/2019 21:19

Sorry, I mean not practical from the point of view that grandmas need to spend time with their grandkids.

Of course the cost is ultimately not important, I just wanted him to grow up spending time with his grandma and cousins as his cousins have turned out lovely, a large part down to being with her whilst their parents worked.

She is a good lady and she loves him. It’s just the allergy issue. She thinks I’m just being paranoid.

As I’ve said, mini milk per se doesn’t have egg in it, but if you read about mini milk on the manufacturers website they do say that a lot of UK shops import them from licensed providers who don’t have the same stringent policies in place re allergens so they can’t guarantee egg free.

OP posts:

Original poster

mybigwineglass · 31/07/2019 21:20

Yes we got one of the test epipens and showed her how to do it

OP posts:

brassbrass · 31/07/2019 21:22

You cant complain when you're enjoying cheap childcare

So someone who should have an even more invested interest in the welfare (of their grandson no less) can endanger a child's life because they are paid less than a stranger who does it for a job. Paid or not I would expect a close relative to stick to the fucking instructions.

PixieLumos · 31/07/2019 21:23

Sorry, I mean not practical from the point of view that grandmas need to spend time with their grandkids.

Not when said grandparents are willing to risk the child’s health.

Original poster

mybigwineglass · 31/07/2019 21:24

Yes agreed thank you - she has always wanted to look after all grandkids as kids are her life. So it’s not a case of us doing that to avoid nursery costs. Indeed, we only pay her because we feel we should give her something!

OP posts:

StripeySocks29 · 31/07/2019 21:24

Nursery’s are so over cautious, it would be perfect for your situation.

I sent DD in with factor 50 sun cream, and didn’t realise it said it was specifically for faces, and the nursery called me to check it was ok to use their ‘emergency’ sun cream on her arms and legs as the tube I’d sent in said it was for faces so they couldn’t use it outside of the manufacturers directions, and we had to sign off each meal on their 4 week menu plan to say it was ok for DD to eat.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 31/07/2019 21:26

These grandparents who refuse to 'believe' in allergies: what in holy HELL drives such people? This is serious OP, and in no way should you even be questioning whether your real, legitimate concerns are in any way unreasonable.

This isn't a mere testing of - or even stampeding over - boundaries. It goes way beyond the usual kind of territory-pissing sometimes indulged in by grandparents. Your MiL is actually willing to put your child's health at risk - and for what? To override parental authority, and to prove she is right.

There are not many situations in which my instant, knee-jerk response would be to deny contact between a child and their grandparents, but this would be one of those few. Your DC isn't safe around this woman: supervised or otherwise, and I wouldn't trust her near them until after the 12 month tests (and possibly not even then).

Perhaps being 'right' matters more to her than a relationship with her grandchild? Ultimately, that's a decision for her to make.

EL8888 · 31/07/2019 21:27

You aren't being unreasonable, what she is doing is really dangerous. I'm always confused why people don't take food allergies seriously. It's so not worth it. I have food allergies and try to avoid things but it’s terrifying when l have a reaction

A friend of mine has a child with a lot of allergies. He attends nursery and they take his allergy very seriously

nanbread · 31/07/2019 21:28

I do think you are (understandably perhaps) erring on the side of caution not letting her give him a mini milk, they don't contain egg as standard and so it would be cross contamination, and there's a huge difference between a plate of scrambled egg and a mini milk. I'd be more worried about her having egg products in the house and cross contaminating that way tbh.

lyralalala · 31/07/2019 21:29

she has always wanted to look after all grandkids as kids are her life

Then you need to tell her - very bluntly - that what she is doing in endangering your son.

She might make him a little bit unwell. Hives. Itching. Feeling yucky. Why would she want to cause that to him?

On the other hand she could cause his ability to breathe to become impared. She could have to give him the epipen and watch him struggle for breath.

You have to be extremely blunt with her that that is what she is risking inflicting on him. It's not easy - I had to have that conversation with my DD's father who thought I was over reacting when I discovered he regularly just left her epipen in her suitcase. In the end if someone is going to risk your child then they lose their solo contact with that child. Their wishes for a relationship is not more important than the child's safety.

Surfskatefamily · 31/07/2019 21:35

Maybe childminder instead? There are less kids so I'm wondering if it would be easier for them to ensure your son doesn't accidently eat another child's food

I feel for you as its hard to fall out with family.... But your MIL is putting your boy at risk so there's no other option than stop having her care for him

katseyes7 · 31/07/2019 21:36

Years ago, my cousin's little one had a cow's milk allergy. l caught my auntie giving him chocolate buttons. When l said he shouldn't have them (l was about 17 at the time) she said "oh, she (his mother) thinks she knows everything because she works in a hospital." (She was a radiographer, so not a stupid woman!)
Then my mother told me off for telling my auntie off! So far as remember they stopped my auntie having him on her own after that. You can't take the risk.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 31/07/2019 21:39

Of course a nursery will take his allergies seriously, they HAVE to.

Your MIL needs to understand she either toes the line or loses out. In your shoes I'd pay for professional childcare from now onwards tho.

Epwell · 31/07/2019 21:40

She shouldn't have eggs in the house - my DD was so allergic to eggs that we were told not to have her in the same room as a cracked, raw egg because egg white protein gets into the air so easily. She would react if I ate an egg sandwich near her. We had an egg free house for many years, but my DD did grow out of it. As reactions get worse with exposure your MIL could be risking your DC's chances of growing out of egg allergy, total avoidance is the only option. Take a look at the Allergy UK and Anaphylaxis Campaign websites, I think they may have stuff there on here on how to deal with tricky relatives, it is a big issue for allergy parents. They also have lots of factsheets which may help in explaining the seriousness of things to your family. Also, there are lots of facebook groups for parents of allergic children, some more friendly and helpful than others but may be worth a look for some suggestions.

Crunchymum · 31/07/2019 21:40

You have an Epi-Pen for one reaction to eggs?

How did your GP diagnose the allergy?

PickAChew · 31/07/2019 21:40

An 11 month old doesn't even need a mini milk lolly, FFS! Stupid, irresponsible, woman! (MIL, not you)

You absolutely need to find alternative nursery provision. If she won't respect the medical needs of her own grandson, then she is not the person to be caring for him, even occasionally.

SandyY2K · 31/07/2019 21:45

I would be very blunt and ask if she wants to kill her GC.... because I can't think of a logical reason why she'd do this.

Does she want that on her conscience?

If course YANBU... even if she was looking after him for free.

StripeySocks29 · 31/07/2019 21:47

You have an Epi-Pen for one reaction to eggs? I’ve only ever had one reaction, I was a teenager, I’m now mid thirties and I still carry 2 epic pens everywhere and my doctor still checks with me that I’m carrying them when I see him. Too risky not to.

Crunchymum · 31/07/2019 21:49

@StripeySocks29

What reaction did you have?

Wibblewobble99 · 31/07/2019 21:50

We had a similar issue with MIL and FIL not following our advice which we had been given by doctors and specialists. In the end we had to stop leaving our DD with them. It did cause some short term resentment and we all fell out for a bit. But in our heads a couple of months of not talking was preferable to not having our precious DD.

Battle now is they want to start having her on their own again but I just can’t trust them. Husbands resolve is weakening as their his parents so now I’m the baddy.

EKGEMS · 31/07/2019 21:51

"You can't complain.." That has to be the most jackass comment I've read on MN in forever

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