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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL ignoring my requests

185 replies

mybigwineglass · 31/07/2019 20:44

My DC (11 months) has an egg allergy. We discovered it around 6 months after eating scrambled egg. Came out in hives. Took to GP who did test and confirmed. We were told in no uncertain terms not to give DC ANY egg, even if fully cooked in cakes etc and to have another test at 12 months. Told reaction is usually worse the second time. Given epipen (albeit more as a belt and braces safety precaution) and piriton.

MIL has DC 3.5 days a week (we pay her, though a fraction of nursery cost). We supply all food/milk/snacks/nappies/everything and have told her several times in no uncertain terms is she to give him anything we haven't supplied. If anything happened re his allergy we'd never forgive her (or ourselves).

She has asked on numerous occasions about giving him things - bread, mini milk lollies, biscuits etc, as she feels he is "missing out" when his cousins have those things (they are older). I have said again, on more than one occasion, no. E.g. I looked up mini milk online and nestle say that they cannot guarantee egg free as some suppliers are importing from continent and their practices different.

Picking DC up from hers yesterday and he's had a mini milk. It's not the first time she's given him stuff behind my back. She just won't fucking listen. This is my precious DC after a MMC. I want to tell her yet AGAIN DO NOT FUCKING GIVE HIM ANYTHING I DO NOT SUPPLY.

AIBU?

OP posts:
NoSauce · 31/07/2019 22:43

You have to take control here OP. It may be easier in some ways, financial and logistical for instance for you to have her take care of him but in the grand scheme it’s not really worth it imo.

She isn’t listening to you nor does she think your sons allergies are real. Personally I wouldn’t keep on risking it. Start looking for alternative childcare arrangements.

MarshmallowHeat · 31/07/2019 22:44

If a nursery gave your kid food when you had explicitly stated not to, you could report then to ofsted and remove your child.

This is why many restaurants ask about allergies straight away. Everyone does take it seriously in professional roles.

MarshmallowHeat · 31/07/2019 22:46

A last option might be to pay a nutritionist, or any health professional, and both visit and give very, very clear advice to your MIL with you there. So that she cannot dismiss it.

However I think I’d just stop it now.

LittleCandle · 31/07/2019 22:49

My MIL didn't understand DD1's allergies at all. Part of it was her up bringing, as she wasn't allowed to think for herself or make decisions for herself, even when she was widowed with a young child. Part of it was because she, like my XH, couldn't face that her DGD wasn't 'perfect'. She thought I was making a lot of fuss over nothing, but because I was rabidly careful, she never saw DD1 after a bad reaction.

I agree with everyone else. You need to find proper childcare, because your MIL is taking risks with your child's life, probably because she doesn't want to believe the allergy is that bad.

SandyY2K · 31/07/2019 22:57

@Orangeballon
My word...are you serious with this comment?

Surely every child is precious.
You sound unstable with that statement.

If he’s so fucking precious pay a professional child minder instead of cheap labour from your relations

Shocking

ZaphodBeeblerox · 31/07/2019 22:58

YANBU about your MIL, although chances of a mini milk containing egg are very low.

BUT, my DD has egg and milk allergies at 6 months. Broke out into instant hives. We went to a private paed to get a skin prick allergy test. And we were told not to give any milk or egg until 1 and then did milk/egg ladder and she is fine with both now at 20 months. I’m rather surprised you were given an epipen for one reaction. Are you getting sound advice on allergy management?

WomanInTheWindow · 31/07/2019 23:04

You can't complain.

What an utterly absurd comment. Having the role of caring for a family child, whilst being paid none or little of the cost of child care, does not then permit you to neglect or mistreat the child!

BertrandRussell · 31/07/2019 23:10

Do you normally get an epipen for a one off egg allergy?

didkdt · 31/07/2019 23:16

It is very difficult to mix the emotional with the professional.
Nobody is going to look after your child exactly as you would, not even your DP. But there are hard lines, and allergic reactions is one of them. Allergic reactions are horrible, even if the epi pen is not required they are horrible, hives itch, wheezing numbness, rashes, sore watering eyes, none of the symptoms are pleasant and sometimes they can be very serious. Why she would want to risk inflicting those symptoms onto your child is either because she doesn't believe they exist or because she cannot understand his suffering.
It doesn't matter if this your first child or your 20th at the end of the day it is an awful thing to put your child through.
You could try showing her what an allergic reaction involves, either by video or pictures. Your telling her is not enough
Or you cut your losses and source alternative care, but that doesn't solve the issue around family visits etc.
Grandparents that care about your child (and however misguided she is, she does seem to care) are very important so I would try and find a way to make that relationship work even if your relationship is currently non exisitent

AngelsOnHigh · 31/07/2019 23:18

I don't know what mini milk is and pretty sure I didn't give my DC scrambled egg at 6 months old. Actually at that age they were only just starting on a small amount of vegetables and fruit. Their main source of nutrition was still breast milk.

My 6 month old DGS follows the same regime all these years later.

Your MIL should have followed your instructions but explain to her AGAIN gently why she has to stick to only giving DS the food that you supply.

Because I can truthfully say that DS is better off with MIL rather than in a child care centre with other DC where they pick up anything and everything that's going.

user1486131602 · 31/07/2019 23:20

Why not tell her that since she can’t look, after son and allergies you are now feeling forced into looking at nurseries that will? Ought to stick a bee in her bonnet!

Bunnyfuller · 31/07/2019 23:21

This reply has been deleted

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Nanny0gg · 31/07/2019 23:23

Sorry, I mean not practical from the point of view that grandmas need to spend time with their grandkids

Not if they can't be trusted to keep them safe.

Would it really be worth the risk?

GabsAlot · 31/07/2019 23:28

How is a not even one year old missing out ffs and yur partner needs to grow some balls its disgusting and dangerous

Singlenotsingle · 31/07/2019 23:38

Book your dc in for another test. The allergy might have gone by now.

ReanimatedSGB · 31/07/2019 23:41

The thing is, you cannot force her to obey you. Yes, you are right and she is wrong, but you cannot force her to obey you. Even if you show her magazine articles and explain to her what your HCPs have advised, she may still think that you are making a fuss about nothing (unfortunately, the current trend for self-obsessed, self-righteous whinyarses to be incredibly precious about food is actually putting people with allergies in danger because a lot of people think that requesting allergen-free food is just... being a precious twat.) Therefore you need to find alternative childcare and not allow her unsupervised access to your child - at least until your child has (as is hopefully quite likely) outgrown the allergy.

TriciaH87 · 31/07/2019 23:44

Lay it on thick. Show her videos of how bad a reaction can be. Tell her in no uncertain terms she could KILL your baby. If she does not only would you not forgive her but you would fully support the police in prosecuting her because she knowingly gave your son a product that could do so.

NerrSnerr · 01/08/2019 07:07

I don't know what mini milk is and pretty sure I didn't give my DC scrambled egg at 6 months old. Actually at that age they were only just starting on a small amount of vegetables and fruit. Their main source of nutrition was still breast milk.
@AngelsOnHigh I don't think that the OP got the memo that she should have weaned exactly the same way as you. Even if the scrambled egg was introduced later the baby would still have been allergic to it?

Because I can truthfully say that DS is better off with MIL rather than in a child care centre with other DC where they pick up anything and everything that's going.
Better off with the MIL who knowingly risks the baby's health? *
*

Fragalino · 01/08/2019 07:34

Op I'm watching a news item right now on a boy that died from anaphylaxis shock, dairy intolerance. The mum is pleading for anyone with dc who has allergy to educate everyone around them.

The reaction second time round could be worse as doctor advised.

Sistersis · 01/08/2019 07:53

This is like that grandparent that was leaning the child outside of the cruise boat and it fell to death.

Yes an extreme example but better not chance it, tell her to stop lose your mind if you have to, ask her if she's trying to kill her grandchild, in the meantime look for a nursery and find out it you can do an egg ladder. Can't imagine it's an easy allergy to get round.

BertrandRussell · 01/08/2019 07:55

“This is like that grandparent that was leaning the child outside of the cruise boat and it fell to death.“

It isn’t, you know.

Fragalino · 01/08/2019 08:01

It's callous life threatening behaviour.

Nanny0gg · 01/08/2019 08:02

This is like that grandparent that was leaning the child outside of the cruise boat and it fell to death

It isn't and that's a foul thing to say.

NoSauce · 01/08/2019 08:05

Just had to google the story about the cruise ship.

I don’t understand why you’re comparing it to this Sistersis. It was a tragic accident surely? The MIL here is blatantly ignoring the fact that her GS has an allergy.

Mumofone1860 · 01/08/2019 08:13

In the long term it's better to pay more for nursery and have less money than risk the person caring for your child continually giving them food they are allergic to.

Just say 'MIL I have told you multiple times he has an allergy, as you have chosen to ignore the doctor's orders we have had to move our baby to nursery'