MIL ignoring my requests

[mybigwineglass]

My DC (11 months) has an egg allergy. We discovered it around 6 months after eating scrambled egg. Came out in hives. Took to GP who did test and confirmed. We were told in no uncertain terms not to give DC ANY egg, even if fully cooked in cakes etc and to have another test at 12 months. Told reaction is usually worse the second time. Given epipen (albeit more as a belt and braces safety precaution) and piriton.

MIL has DC 3.5 days a week (we pay her, though a fraction of nursery cost). We supply all food/milk/snacks/nappies/everything and have told her several times in no uncertain terms is she to give him anything we haven't supplied. If anything happened re his allergy we'd never forgive her (or ourselves).

She has asked on numerous occasions about giving him things - bread, mini milk lollies, biscuits etc, as she feels he is "missing out" when his cousins have those things (they are older). I have said again, on more than one occasion, no. E.g. I looked up mini milk online and nestle say that they cannot guarantee egg free as some suppliers are importing from continent and their practices different.

Picking DC up from hers yesterday and he's had a mini milk. It's not the first time she's given him stuff behind my back. She just won't fucking listen. This is my precious DC after a MMC. I want to tell her yet AGAIN DO NOT FUCKING GIVE HIM ANYTHING I DO NOT SUPPLY.

AIBU?

No advice. My mil does this too. Also feeds my DD randomly as in when she doesn't need fed. She's just had lunch and snack is a few hours away but she'll feed her whatever she can. She thinks as long as it's organic it's fine. I wasn't too impressed at the bun with egg in it!!

or good experienced childminder - we use to have to fill in really detailed forms for each child on health issues & allergies

These grandparents who refuse to 'believe' in allergies: what in holy HELL drives such people?

I genuinely think it's ignorance. If they haven't come across allergies like this before then it's very easy to assume it's over-protectiveness or paranoia. There are so many more, and more severe, allergies that children suffer with today, it's just not something older generations are aware of. Unless you're around children a lot or have direct experience, how would you know?

I cannot believe any grandmother would knowingly and willfully put their grandchild at risk like this. Which means she doesn't understand and needs to be educated.

Or of course you could just ban her from ever seeing her grandchild again. Because that would definitely make everyones lives easier and have absolutely zero consequences.

make her look at probably google-able actual granmas who now miss out on gkids for what shes doing

My child had an immediate skin reaction to touching egg around 8 months. She is severely allergic. Following other tests it transpires she is also allergic to 8 different types of nuts.
She started nursery at 2 yrs old. She knows never to touch food that is not hers. She is switched on and has never done this in our presence.
She had 2 reactions at nursery. One on pancake day. Nursery said she took some off another child’s plate. I’m still it sure if I believe them but they moved her to her own table following this. Second reaction they served omelette to the other children. They are certain she did not touch or eat it. She reacted to the smell. They stopped serving omelette as a meal to the other children following this.
She’s never had a nut allergy at nursery, but other parents have been ‘caught’ sending their children in with nut based products (Nutella in sandwiches etc), on numerous occasions.
People just don’t understand the severity of allergies. They don’t understand the consequences of touch contact and without any judgement they don’t understand things like an airborne reaction.
I’m sorry to say this, as I appreciate it’s not what you want to hear but you must stop this person caring for your child. She doesn’t understand that she is risking your child’s life. It’s simply not worth it.

mybigwineglass, you're not being unreasonable at all. Why would anybody want to risk the health of their grandchild? Even to give them a moment of discomfort (which this wouldn't be), you just wouldn't, would you?

I would tell her that you don't feel confident in leaving your child with her if she can't follow simple instructions. It's not within her gift to decide what she can and can't do - this is your child's health.

The 'pay for childcare or accept whatever' trope from some posters is really annoying. This is the child's grandmother ffs.

==
angell84 what a spectacularly unhelpful and patronising post. OP explained about the mini milks being produced elsewhere and that they couldn't be guaranteed egg free. As for 'mummys be crazy'... Urgh.

You cant complain when you're enjoying cheap childcare

Thats the most batshit comment ever!

"You cant complain that your MIL may kill your child because its cheap childcare, yep thats a really reasonable payoff." FFS!

Buy her a Baby Born doll. Packets of food and a buggy.
Let her fill her boots.
She is risking your dc's health and gives zero fucks about it!!
My mil never ever had my dc alone after she said she would give them meat.
It wasn't impractical. Just the way she had made things.
Prioritise your dc not your cheap dc care.

Was there actually an adverse reaction after the minimilk?

angell84 is a great example of the lack of understanding about the severity of allergies. Just because it isn’t listed on the packaging as an ingredient does not mean it is egg free.

My DS1 did have a severe egg allergy, he had an anaphylactic reaction and was blue-lighted to hospital (he was 12 months old). It was terrifying. He has now grown out of it, but if ANYONE had knowingly put him at risk they would never be allowed to look after him again. His nursery were very good, he ate in a high chair when there was anything that contained egg on the table to keep him separate. He did once swipe a bite of someone's pancake, nursery sat a staff member with him with the epipens ready and rang me. They did a full risk assessment and changed their procedures (he was fine, it was an accident but I think they actually followed up with it very well).

@Crunchymum difficulty breathing, skin rash, eyes so puffed up they closed shut - spent the night in hospital. They could never pin point exactly what I was allergic to, they just narrowed it down to a list of foods to avoid.

My mother did this years ago
She bought sweets in bulk and gave some to my dd
Who came out in hives
So I told her she wasn’t to give her anymore of these brand of chocolate buttons as they made her ill
Anyway about 3 weeks later I’d left her with my mother while I popped to the shop (I was gone about 10 mins)
And 3 guesses what she’d given her?
And the same thing happened again
Thankfully dd was fine (the hives seemed to go after a while but she was sick a few times) but my mother had ignored me over my child’s health
She only saw her from there on while I was there in the room with her
(Her excuse was ‘your overreacting nothing happened and I didn’t hear you say anything bad about them she’s never reacted like that last time’ Which was a lie)
My child-my rules

I also want to add that once in a restaurant my DD was served a brownie that was labelled suitable for vegan. I second checked at the counter there was no egg and explained the severity of my child’s allergy to avoid any cross contamination. I was assured the food was suitable.
My daughter took one bite and immediately reacted. I rushed her to the toilet to be sick and administer medicine while my husband spoke to the kitchen. They insisted the product was egg free. My husband asked to speak to the chef and see the packaging. The chef brought the food packet out still saying there was no egg.
My husband checked the packet and found egg listed as an ingredient - not in bold. It was a foreign product, where there was no requirement to bold the allergens. The chef missed it. The restaurant we’re selling this profit as vegan friendly.
If a professional chef in a restaurant can miss something like this, do you honestly have faith that your MIL - someone who you know is not taking this issue seriously - will be able to keep your child safe?

Take her with you to next GP appointment so she hears it first hand.

Do not have her watch your child anymore. Set up childcare immediately and inform them about DC allergies, they will take this very serious( I am a teacher, we have lots of kids with allergies etc)

I think it’s great for family members mind your child but once they start not listening to your requests and a serious one like this don’t bother fighting for them to change just make the change. It will only get worse.

You cant complain when you're enjoying cheap childcare.

Of course you can. Sit her down, and tell her that your son might DIE if she ignores your instruction. Tell her to stop, or the childcare stops.

• selling this product as vegan

Not weighing in on the MIL debate at all - do what feels right. However, I wanted to tell you that my DS has an egg allergy (along with peanuts and various other, sometimes changing things) which at one point was so severe that he would vomit if someone ate eggs nearby. His skin reacted to the touch of eggs and once had severe swelling and blistering because he got egg in his eye (baking at school, their answer was that they weren’t going to let him eat it, why they couldn’t let him bake something at school that he could eat, I don’t know). I just wanted to tell you that finally at the age of 14 after extensive egg laddering he is all but over it, so there is hope! Egg cross contamination is nasty for the patient but rarely anaphylactic, and we only once or twice have been contaminated by packaged goods labelled without eggs. Many, many times by ‘home’ cooking. Hopefully that makes you feel a bit better!

Stop letting her look after your child if she isn’t actually looking after your child.

And yes, whilst I could put him in nursery, it is his grandma, so we can't never leave her alone with him - not practical.

Are you joking? Your child could have a life threatening reaction to a food she would cheerfully dole out to them, and that's still not enough reason for you to prevent her from having sole charge of your precious child? Ok then.....

Also, OP, you should be pressing the GP for a referral to an allergy specialist who can test the severity of the allergy and also for other allergies (such as peanut, which is co-indicated). GPs are not great at allergy management but in my experience the paediatric allergy team (I’m in Sheffield) have always been fantastic.

Tell her bluntly that she is risking her grandsons health and why doesn’t she care about that? Tbh you need to be a bit harsh with her.

A lot of children have egg allergies they grow out of. But you can’t leave him in the charge of someone who’s prepared to risk it.