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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL ignoring my requests

185 replies

mybigwineglass · 31/07/2019 20:44

My DC (11 months) has an egg allergy. We discovered it around 6 months after eating scrambled egg. Came out in hives. Took to GP who did test and confirmed. We were told in no uncertain terms not to give DC ANY egg, even if fully cooked in cakes etc and to have another test at 12 months. Told reaction is usually worse the second time. Given epipen (albeit more as a belt and braces safety precaution) and piriton.

MIL has DC 3.5 days a week (we pay her, though a fraction of nursery cost). We supply all food/milk/snacks/nappies/everything and have told her several times in no uncertain terms is she to give him anything we haven't supplied. If anything happened re his allergy we'd never forgive her (or ourselves).

She has asked on numerous occasions about giving him things - bread, mini milk lollies, biscuits etc, as she feels he is "missing out" when his cousins have those things (they are older). I have said again, on more than one occasion, no. E.g. I looked up mini milk online and nestle say that they cannot guarantee egg free as some suppliers are importing from continent and their practices different.

Picking DC up from hers yesterday and he's had a mini milk. It's not the first time she's given him stuff behind my back. She just won't fucking listen. This is my precious DC after a MMC. I want to tell her yet AGAIN DO NOT FUCKING GIVE HIM ANYTHING I DO NOT SUPPLY.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 31/07/2019 20:58

Nursery’s respect allergies. Go in and speak to some to see how they’d handle it.

Mine has a little boy with a serious egg reaction although younger. Not sure how they check he doesn’t get contaminated but they do and his mums happy.

KipperTheFrog · 31/07/2019 20:58

I have a daughter with cows milk allergy. Nursery are fab and she has never had anything she isn’t supposed to there. I’d get your DC into nursery and tell MIL exactly why.

NerrSnerr · 31/07/2019 20:58

Nursery will have children with different allergies. My daughter had a milk allergy and our nursery catered really well. Of course mistakes may happen but it would it wouldn't be deliberate like your MIL is doing.

FaithInfinity · 31/07/2019 20:59

The other option to consider is a childminder where you send his own food in. Have a good luck around and get personal recommendations.

1stmonkey · 31/07/2019 21:00

YANBU. This is literally your child's health at stake.
Appreciate you're relying in her for childcare so not a simple thing just to "find an alternative".
Google some pictures of the possible consequences and show them to her. Print off every allergy related horror story. Give her a huge pile of paper that shows how easy it is for someone to be horrendously damaged by consuming something they are allergic to.
You have to make her understand the risk she is taking with your childs life. This isn't just about childcare. Unless you're planning to never allow her access again, it is imperative that she understands how serious it is.
From her perspective she might think you're being over protective or just going along with a fad. She needs to be told in no uncertain terms. Not a "only give dc what we provide". Not "please don't give dc cakes, biscuits or mini milks".
A very straight forward "if dc consumes anything with even a trace off egg in it, he/she could die".

Butchyrestingface · 31/07/2019 21:00

Pay for proper childcare OP. She is doing you a massive favour.

Not if she harms OP's kid, she's not.

ysmaem · 31/07/2019 21:01

YANBU at all. Stop the arrangement and get a qualified childminder who will take proper precautions to keep your DC safe.

InsertFunnyUsername · 31/07/2019 21:01

I would probably stop sending your DC there, i would be so worried.

I dont agree that if your MIL is watching your child for you, she should be allowed to give him food that he can potentially react too, Ffs who would do that.

AldiAisleOfTat · 31/07/2019 21:01

Would nursery respect it though? I mean, is he more likely to be given something with egg in by another kid when they're not looking? (sorry I have no experience of nursery so not entirely sure what it entails)
They IME are really careful. My son managed to grab milk containing food once or twice, but that was over 3 years

Morgan12 · 31/07/2019 21:01

And when asked why she gives potentially lethal food to her GC what is her response?

I would honestly need to tell her to fuck right off and if she can't guarantee that your son will be returned from her care fucking alive then she won't be seeing him alone.

angell84 · 31/07/2019 21:01

Sorry? She gave him a mini milk which has nothing egg related whatsoever. She provides cheap childcare three days a week. You are being unreasonable

Excited101 · 31/07/2019 21:02

I wouldn’t trust anyone that blasé about allergies to see an allergy reaction in decent time, and use an epipen properly tbh. A (decent) nursery will do both of those things. Get rid.

Original poster
mybigwineglass · 31/07/2019 21:03

DP thinks suns shines out her arse!

That printing pics idea is fabulous. I've said it to her so many times but maybe graphic pictures will work. And yes, whilst I could put him in nursery, it is his grandma, so we can't never leave her alone with him - not practical.

OP posts:
YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 31/07/2019 21:04

Cancel the arrangement, send your child to nursery no matter what the cost and never leave your MIL alone with your child ever again. At best she’s a fucking idiot and at worst she’s a fucking idiot who could kill your baby.

NoParticularPattern · 31/07/2019 21:04

You can absolutely complain, but since your MIL is presumably not running an official childcare business (and is therefore not answerable to OFSTED etc) there’s very little you can actually DO about it if she refuses to listen and adhere to the instructions you’re giving. You have two options: 1) have a word but accept that she’s clearly not going to listen since this isn’t the first time (not even an option IMO) or 2) find and pay for proper childcare where they have clear dedicated policies surrounding allergies in the children they look after. That way you have proper recourse if they deliberately feed your child something with egg in, you don’t have that with MIL.

At the end of the day it is your responsibility to make sure that your child is safe from a potentially life threatening reaction to something you know they are sensitive to. If you send him to a proper nursery then you’re doing all that you can as they have policies in place. If you continue to send him to MIL then you’re not, since you know she has form for not following the “rules”.

angell84 · 31/07/2019 21:05

A mini milk does not have egg in it everyone. Did we miss that point? Mummys be crazy. I remember when I was babysitting a kid in spain and she gave me a three page list of do's and don'ts. She also wanted me to send her regular photos and text updates of what the child was doing, and a pointed list at the end of the day of what we had done. I remember as she gave me the list of to dos on the first day she said to me " all mothers are crazy". I didn't stay there long and the babysitter before me I found out did not either. If you do not trust anyone else with your kid, why give them to someone else? Stay at home or employ a professional

Billballbaggins · 31/07/2019 21:05

it is his grandma, so we can't never leave her alone with him - not practical.

Of course it’s practical.

Troels · 31/07/2019 21:05

Have you or Dh actually read her the riot act about this? How would she feel if she has to call and ambulance and the baby dies? Have you asked her? She probably thinks it's all about a little rash and no big deal unless you actually tell her very firmly otherwise.
I was told not to give egss before a year old when mine were little different country and was a bit wary when Ds was 11 months and grabbed a bit of scrambled eggs of my plate when eating out.

Mamaslave18 · 31/07/2019 21:07

My egg allergic son was accidentally given food containing egg several times at nursery!

feelingsicknow · 31/07/2019 21:07

OMG. At first I had to check that I hadn't written your original post!! It's so similar to my DS (age, reaction etc). We are waiting on our appt at an allergy clinic at the end of this month. Not ideal as he'll be nearly 1 and I had wanted to introduce other potential allergens by now but am hampered by the wait for this appt.

It was terrifying when he came up in hives when eating scrambled egg and because of his eczema I am now waiting before introducing more potential allergens.

Did you take pics when he came up in hives? Show them to MIL and emphasise how serious this can be. What a silly woman!!!

You ANBU.

ScarlettOHarasWaist · 31/07/2019 21:07

As a Mil that looks after my DGS I would never give him anything that would endanger his life. I also am one of those non existing Mumsnet Mil's that follow my Dils instructions about her children to the letter.If she can't do this then you should rethink your childcare options.

kidsmakesomuchwashing · 31/07/2019 21:09

Quit using her for childcare and send your kid to nursery where they will adhere to allergy guidelines correctly!

nanbread · 31/07/2019 21:10

it is his grandma, so we can't never leave her alone with him - not practical.

You mean not convenient or financially beneficial, to you?

Don't think mine were left alone with GPs until almost 3 years old and have been left with them less than 3.5 days in total age 6. It's not impossible

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 31/07/2019 21:10

My MIL also does as I ask regarding feeding my baby, she definitely asks to offer “treats” but only offers food I’ve said is okay.

(No allergy but I don’t think under ones need chocolate)

81Byerley · 31/07/2019 21:10

My grandson had a prolapsed bowel when he was 2, caused by constipation. The hospital gave my daughter a feeding plan for him, and said it was very important to follow it, to try to improve his bowel movements. Her Mother in law asked if she could have him overnight, and my daughter gave her the list of foods, and checked that she had Weetabix for GS's breakfast. The list stated "as much water as you can get him to drink, and MIL said "that's a bit mean, can I give him orange squash? My daughter said "no, he likes water and I want to protect his teeth" I was looking after him the next day, and when I took the lid off his beaker it was stained orange. On top of that, he kept asking for "Balls". I didn't know what he meant, and neither did my daughter. He kept saying "Grandma gives me balls for breakfast". I took him to the supermarket to see which cereal he meant, couldn't find anything that resembled balls, until we got to the checkout, whe
n he got very excited, and pointed to the balls.....Maltesers.