Overbearing PIL

[username302020]

Hi everyone. Long time user & poster, changed username for this post. Please, bare with me, this will be quite long, trying my best to keep it short.

I have been thinking for a while to post about this it's just I never got round to do it and this is a very sensitive topic for me.

I've been with my partner for 2 years now and we're due to get married next year in July.

His parents are overbearing and my partner doesn't do/say anything, which has made us have TERRIBLE fights and even making me wonder if I should go ahead with marriage or not.

I'll start by saying that we visit them for 3 days every 1.5 months or so. MIL also come twice a year for a week, she relaxes most of the time, doesn't offer her help with anything and makes a mess out of our house(her house is disgusting)

I'll give some examples, I'm ready to told IABU, if this is the case, I don't feel like I am too rational:

• FIL every single time we go there tells me "you've gained weight". For the record I was a size 8, I quit smoking and now I'm a size 10. This is a very sensitive subject for me (weight)

-Pretty much everything I say to my DP is taken as an offence by my MIL who says "don't upset my son" -They make unnanounced visits and he's fine with it -They have a key to our house -They try to interfere in the wedding even though they are not contributing at all -They make rude jokes towards me -They ask very personal questions -MIL wants to be called by me 2-3 times a week -If they are told something they start crying

Completely not relevant but my DP has a brother who lives in the same city as them and him and her wife are constantly fighting about the fact that he drives her everywhere (even hundreds of miles) and sees her everyday. She offers them money/gifts constantly and paid a considerable amount to their wedding (to make it clear, we don't need their money but they haven't offered!)

My problem is that I believe that my future husband should set some clear boundaries which is clearly doesn't happen and defends them all the time, whatever they do/say, which as I said, creates incredible tension in our relationship.

What would you do? I really don't know how to handle it anymore.

Thanks

Jesus, that was a long post, I really hope someone will read that

Oh I forgot to say. We live at his place, he owns his house outright. We are planning to move in a few years but tbh he's not very keen on it, we won't have enough space when children come though.

I have my own money (savings and a bit of inheritance) for the new house.

I pay half of everything (bills, food, holidays, etc)

You have given it 2 years, received no support whatsoever from your DP, I really can't see how things can change for the better. They are a tight little unit and they will never make you feel welcome or respect your feelings, sorry. The time may have come to ditch the whole lot of them.

Save yourself years of angst and abuse and walk away now. You won’t change him or his parents. They are a lost cause. Use your money to start a new happy life.

There’s a high chance your problem is going to get worse.
You really need to reconsider your future.

You have a massive DP problem. He won't change and he doesn't have your back. Cancel the wedding and leave, far too many red flags flapping in the breeze.

Do not marry a man who won't stand up to his parents and support you, because things are only going to get worse. You will always come in second place.

Do you believe that I'm not unreasonable then? What should I expect of him? What should he do to handle this?

Your best plan is to cut your losses and go now before you waste any more time and money. He won't change.

Oh, and he told me that I "only" them a few times a year.

YANBU

I really would not marry this man. If/when you have children, things will get 1000 times worse.

See them, sorry

Well look you only need to read threads like this, and there are plenty to know that if you partner is like this now with his parents then it probably won't change and will in all likelihood get worse, especially if you have kids and as time goes on you will end up more and more resentful. So you need to decide if you can put up with this forever.

Now if your oh won't set boundaries that doesn't mean you can't.

You have put up weight
Wow that's rude but ok since we are passing remarks in each other, you are aging terribly/getting fat, whatever
It might be hard to do and you'll feel rude but fuck it, it will either stop him doing it again or if not at least you feel better

Mil wants me to call 2-3 times a week
"Haha nope, I have my own family thanks, oh will look after his side and me mine, of course if you call to speak to him and I answer I would love a quick chat before I hand you over"

Personal questions
None of your business

wedding interference
Thanks we'll think about it/got it sorted/that's not our thing

Rude jokes
"That's not funny"

They key I would talk to your oh and get it taken back, that should be something you are both comfortable with.

You have to assume neither they or your oh will change so try your own boundaries and if that doesn't work decide if you can put up with it forever I think. They sound awful though so yanbu

I would not be marrying this man that's for sure!
It took my DH a while to stop worrying about pleasing his mother. It all changed when our first DC came along and he started standing up to her a bit more. And then even more so when we got married. I made it clear that me and DC were his priority now not his bloody mother!
To be fair, she has massively improved over the years too, but I believe this is due to all the adult DC not taking her selfish crap anymore!

If he's not willing to set any boundaries or can't see that anything is wrong, then he's really not going to change and this will be your life for he foreseeable future.

I don't think my first marriage would ever have been particularly happy but it was his mother's constant interference that made it miserable. If he doesn't respect you enough to insist and you being treated well no amount of love will help.

Oh my goodness, first of all you need some BOUNDARIES. You have a right to say flat no to them having a key, and to the phone calls 2-3 times a week.

Second of all, you need to de-dramatise the whole situation. If they cry in response to reasonable requests, that is their problem. Not yours. I don't care if they are bawling the Mississipi - it's childish and manipulative behaviour. Don't react to it. Stay calm and reasonable.

Thirdly, gently call them out when they say insensitive things. "Ouch, that's not a very polite thing, to comment on a lady's weight" / "I'm not comfortable discussing this aspect of my personal life" etc. Be gentle, but firm. And don't rise to any escalation that they produce in response.

Fourthly, I suspect you have a DH problem as well as an in law problem. You need to deal with whatever fear, obligation and guilt are leading your other half to allow them to ride roughshod over you in this way. As a couple, your job is to sing from the same hymn sheet regarding your boundaries - and the quicker you can get there, the easier handling this will be. However, if your DH doesn't see any issue with their behaviour, then you have a really big problem on your hands.

I would honestly not marry this man until you have this situation sorted. It is likely to make your life very miserable for a very long time if you don't get some boundaries in place.

@CalmdownJanet I officially love ya. I'll tell you what happened this weekend.

So FIL makes these "jokes".

"You ve gained weight".

20 secs later: "hahahhaa you didn't get mad, did you?"

-I actually am upset, and I am bothered, this is not a nice thing to say.

Then MIL says "this is not good, you're too sensitive".

In the meantime DP Doesn't say anything. Arghhhhh

I wasn't sure about this until I read that they have a key to your house.

WTF?

That in itself would be the trigger for me to end things. I agree with PPs who say everything is going to get worse. YANBU at all.

I would assume the apron strings will tighten when you marry /have dc. He will always put his dm first. Is that OK with you?
Thought not...
Find a proper dh not a mummy's boy..
Or live to regret it.

@Jemima232 they live 3 hours away and they have a fucking key. In all fairness they never used it. But it just bothers me.

I really, really would think long & hard about continuing with this relationship.
You've been given a taster of what your life will be like if you marry this man, have children together etc & it should leave a bad taste in your mouth. His parents sound pretty obnoxious & your DP seems happy to let them get on with it. He's shown you your place in the pecking order & it's at the bottom.
I'd say he wants to continue living in his house because it's just that - his house, his rules, his way. Somewhere you own jointly would mean you having equal say in who gets a key, comes to stay etc.
Cancel the wedding. Tell him you're unhappy with certain aspects of your lives & need to see if he can change those because if not then it really is a deal breaker.

I'm not shocked by all the comments, but I feel so so so sad and lonely. We had a fight last night about it, I just lost my temper.

I just feel like I hate those cheeky fuckers.

Escape. Now. Run.

Oh and he told me when someone tells you you gained weight it doesn't equal to being fat. Am I dumb or something?

I think in some ways both you and your future husband are unreasonable.

It's his house so it's up to him if his parents have a key.
As they visit you less than once a month then I guess they live quite far from you.

How often do they visit unannounced and what's wrong with unannounced visits?

Your future husband should call them out when they make 'jokes' about you.
He should also tell his mother that she shouldn't expect you to call her so often.

As for interfering in the wedding, that will be difficult to stop. People always seem to have a say on how a wedding should/shouldn't be even though they are not paying towards to it. I would just say to them that you have decided on the wedding and as you're are paying for it then it's your decisions that matter.

You will have to decide if you can put up with them and your husband (not seeing anything wrong with their behaviour) before making a decision to go ahead with your wedding.

Good luck on your future.