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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Overbearing PIL

288 replies

username302020 · 30/07/2019 10:38

Hi everyone. Long time user & poster, changed username for this post. Please, bare with me, this will be quite long, trying my best to keep it short.

I have been thinking for a while to post about this it's just I never got round to do it and this is a very sensitive topic for me.

I've been with my partner for 2 years now and we're due to get married next year in July.

His parents are overbearing and my partner doesn't do/say anything, which has made us have TERRIBLE fights and even making me wonder if I should go ahead with marriage or not.

I'll start by saying that we visit them for 3 days every 1.5 months or so. MIL also come twice a year for a week, she relaxes most of the time, doesn't offer her help with anything and makes a mess out of our house(her house is disgusting)

I'll give some examples, I'm ready to told IABU, if this is the case, I don't feel like I am too rational:

  • FIL every single time we go there tells me "you've gained weight". For the record I was a size 8, I quit smoking and now I'm a size 10. This is a very sensitive subject for me (weight)
-Pretty much everything I say to my DP is taken as an offence by my MIL who says "don't upset my son" -They make unnanounced visits and he's fine with it -They have a key to our house -They try to interfere in the wedding even though they are not contributing at all -They make rude jokes towards me -They ask very personal questions -MIL wants to be called by me 2-3 times a week -If they are told something they start crying

Completely not relevant but my DP has a brother who lives in the same city as them and him and her wife are constantly fighting about the fact that he drives her everywhere (even hundreds of miles) and sees her everyday. She offers them money/gifts constantly and paid a considerable amount to their wedding (to make it clear, we don't need their money but they haven't offered!)

My problem is that I believe that my future husband should set some clear boundaries which is clearly doesn't happen and defends them all the time, whatever they do/say, which as I said, creates incredible tension in our relationship.

What would you do? I really don't know how to handle it anymore.

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
username302020 · 30/07/2019 11:01

@Geminijes Thanks for your comments. I completely agree.

They are living roughly 3 hours away. There's a backstory to them having a key. At some point when we were visiting MIL said something like we'll visit. And he said: "you need to let us know when", and she said "no I don't, I have a key"

OP posts:
maet · 30/07/2019 11:02

Leave. Leave. Leave.

Original poster
username302020 · 30/07/2019 11:02

I'm at a loss. I just feel like he doesn't care. We argued SO MUCH because of them, I even threatened to leave & he said "do as you wish"

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 30/07/2019 11:03

I wouldn’t marry him until this was sorted. You are definitely not being unreasonable to dislike their behaviour.

Original poster
username302020 · 30/07/2019 11:04

Probably not relevant but I wouldn't trust her with my children. She's disgusting and has terrible hygiene issues.

OP posts:
doodleygirl · 30/07/2019 11:05

Ask yourself some questions:
Why would you want to marry someone who does not have your back?
Why would you want to put yourself through years of heartbreak as you are continually ignored by your partner and his family, it will get worse once you have children.

It wont change, you wont change them. The only one who can make the dynamic change is your partner and he wont do it. Run for the hills or have a long and unhappy life.

doodleygirl · 30/07/2019 11:07

He said "Do as you wish" I dont mean to be rude but do you actually need him to write a sign saying you are not important?

Idontwanttotalk · 30/07/2019 11:07

I wouldn't marry or even live with this mummy's boy let alone have children with him. Things will only get worse.

If his answer is just that you don't see her often, he is going to be a nightmare who will not be supportive of you. He sees nothing wrong in how you are treated. Why do you want to marry this pathetic specimen?

Sunburntnoseandears · 30/07/2019 11:07

Do as you wish?
Bloody hell op, start packing..
Once you have gone you will be so glad you did.

Original poster
username302020 · 30/07/2019 11:08

I'm not trying to defend him, but otherwise he's great. We talk a lot, we do a lot of things together, this is why I didn't actually leave. I know, I must sound dumb.

Plus he promised a shitload of times that he'll talk to them!

OP posts:
verticality · 30/07/2019 11:09

"I'm at a loss. I just feel like he doesn't care. We argued SO MUCH because of them, I even threatened to leave & he said "do as you wish"

This would be a dealbreaker for me.

DH had parental issues when I met him. The dynamic between his parents is very odd, and there was a lot of violence/bullying from them when he grew up. He went to see a counsellor and the relationship has shifted to something much more boundaried and reasonable over time. PIL's behaviour hasn't changed - they are still insensitive and unreasonable - but our reaction is now strong and unanimous. But this was because he recognised that things weren't OK and that their behaviour was having impacts, and worked really hard on shoring up his own sense of self-worth so that he was no longer frightened to say 'no' to them. If your DH isn't prepared to recognise the problem, and lacks the strength to recognise his own failings and do something about them, I don't hold out much hope to be honest.

Original poster
username302020 · 30/07/2019 11:09

@Sunburntnoseandears We've been fighting for 2 days now. That's pretty much all he says "do as you wish".

OP posts:
LadyRannaldini · 30/07/2019 11:09

FIL 'You're getting fat'
You 'You're getting uglier'

You shouldn't pander to these people by ignoring their rudeness, you shouldn't be there at all really. Use your money to buy your own place and let him get on with it without you.

CalmdownJanet · 30/07/2019 11:10

Do as you wish you are fighting a losing battle here I think, sorry op, you deserve better, you will always be the second most important woman in his life.

PrincessScarlett · 30/07/2019 11:12

Do as you wish? You need to leave now. Your DP doesn't have your back, he's already reluctant to buy a house jointly with you, his parents are a nightmare and when/if you have children with your DP the whole situation will be so much worse.

I speak from experience. Men like this (and their parents) never ever change.

Sunburntnoseandears · 30/07/2019 11:13

To me it seems he just doesn't want to be the one to end it.... But cares not a jot if you do.

Redshoeblueshoe · 30/07/2019 11:14

Do as you wish
Wow he's dreadful.

roothyb · 30/07/2019 11:14

Start being an absolute cow to them! If he says you've gained weight, say "so have you tubby!" And call him tubster for the rest of their time with you.

Also, say you're handbag got stollen, you heard there has been a spate of gangs robbing houses after being stolen, we need to change the locks - take his key - get 2 cut! None for his mum. Fight fire with fire!

roothyb · 30/07/2019 11:15

Your*

Bookworm4 · 30/07/2019 11:15

Don’t marry him! Does he not see the problems his parents are causing in his brothers marriage and now your relationship? He should be putting his parents straight not to speak to you like that. If he’s not willing to defend you, you leave, he’ll never get anyone to tolerate this crap.

littlepaddypaws · 30/07/2019 11:19

sounds like he's married to his parents already. look at your bil marriage and the what seems to be happening there, it's a potential blue print for your own then bring dc into the mix [sceptical].
i'd talk calmly with dp and say it's not going to work if he's not backing you, but you will probably have to leave him anyway.

roothyb · 30/07/2019 11:19

Actual pure torture them! Start calling them Mum & Dad and phone her twice a day for a few weeks and stay on the phone for as long as you can talking absolute shite about anything.

Be overbearing and hope they take the hint and fuck off!

LazyLizzy · 30/07/2019 11:20

What a miserable life. Constantly fighting because he won't back you up.

DON'T HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN.

If it was me, I'd bugger off and get my own place. I'm anything for an easy life.

I couldn't love somebody that didn't stand up for me.

Oh and I've got too much respect for myself to take that shit.

Original poster
username302020 · 30/07/2019 11:20

What I noticed he does all the time is to minimise what they do/say. Let’s take the “you gained weight“ comment. He will say “but that doesn’t mean he called you fat“. Or any other comment “you’re too sensitive”, “they were only joking”, etc.

So sometimes I actually feel like I’m crazy/unreasonable and I’m the bad guy in the story.

He point blank refuses to talk about this or take any measures. I am used to a very nice family, we talk a lot, we support each other and my family has treated him as if he was their own son.

I agree with the “fight fire with fire”, but whatever they do, they get away with it.

Let me give another very relevant example: we were on a mini break, to the seaside (which is one hour away from them) for our two year anniversary. When we visited them the weekend after CF MIL told me “We wanted to surprise you and come see you at the seaside but DS (the other DS) was too tired and couldn’t drive“. I went MAD. Guess what “D”P told me: “yeah, but they didn’t come, did they?”

OP posts:
StarJumpsandaHalf · 30/07/2019 11:22

Firstly someone saying you've put on some weight absolutely does not equate to meaning you're fat. What it does mean, however, is that they are insensitive, downright rude and totally uncaring about your feelings.

From what you've described,the potential future in laws sound unpleasant and not the kind of people I'd want to mix with let alone be related to, but the overriding problem is not them, it's your DP who both lacks awareness and is unsupportive of you.

Ask yourself if you want those qualities in a future life partner?

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