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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Overbearing PIL

288 replies

username302020 · 30/07/2019 10:38

Hi everyone. Long time user & poster, changed username for this post. Please, bare with me, this will be quite long, trying my best to keep it short.

I have been thinking for a while to post about this it's just I never got round to do it and this is a very sensitive topic for me.

I've been with my partner for 2 years now and we're due to get married next year in July.

His parents are overbearing and my partner doesn't do/say anything, which has made us have TERRIBLE fights and even making me wonder if I should go ahead with marriage or not.

I'll start by saying that we visit them for 3 days every 1.5 months or so. MIL also come twice a year for a week, she relaxes most of the time, doesn't offer her help with anything and makes a mess out of our house(her house is disgusting)

I'll give some examples, I'm ready to told IABU, if this is the case, I don't feel like I am too rational:

  • FIL every single time we go there tells me "you've gained weight". For the record I was a size 8, I quit smoking and now I'm a size 10. This is a very sensitive subject for me (weight)
-Pretty much everything I say to my DP is taken as an offence by my MIL who says "don't upset my son" -They make unnanounced visits and he's fine with it -They have a key to our house -They try to interfere in the wedding even though they are not contributing at all -They make rude jokes towards me -They ask very personal questions -MIL wants to be called by me 2-3 times a week -If they are told something they start crying

Completely not relevant but my DP has a brother who lives in the same city as them and him and her wife are constantly fighting about the fact that he drives her everywhere (even hundreds of miles) and sees her everyday. She offers them money/gifts constantly and paid a considerable amount to their wedding (to make it clear, we don't need their money but they haven't offered!)

My problem is that I believe that my future husband should set some clear boundaries which is clearly doesn't happen and defends them all the time, whatever they do/say, which as I said, creates incredible tension in our relationship.

What would you do? I really don't know how to handle it anymore.

Thanks

OP posts:
LakieLady · 30/07/2019 19:26

I wish I could tell them they're CF.

You can, OP - but be prepared for the fallout! Grin It would do them good to hear some home truths.

Seriously though, this will get worse once you're married. Taking Nth place after my MIL, SILs, then husband of SIL3, then assorted extended family, was one of the reasons my marriage broke up. The more I tried, the more accommodating I was, the more I was expected to endure.

Imo, it's a form of abuse. My marriage became abusive in other ways too, and I was well and truly gaslighted (gaslit?)

Please don't marry this man. You deserve better. And you deserve to be happy. This man will never make you happy.

AirRaidShelter · 30/07/2019 19:34

This issue ended my marriage. Next time ill be having much higher boundaries

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/07/2019 19:43

How the hell i m surviving this?

The same reason you posted in the first place - because underneath it all you're a resourceful woman who knows this isn't sustainable

Where are you now and do you have any belongings with you? (I think you said your mum's away so not sure if the key's to her place?) Anyway, is there any time when you know he won't be at home so you can collect more?

As said, he's unlikely to take this well and I really wouldn't recommend going there alone if there's any chance he'll be present

ItsInTheSpoon · 30/07/2019 19:49

I agree with previous posters who have all said run for the hills. You’re making the right decision that will free you for a life where you matter, you can do what makes you happy, and not face a lifetime of being made to feel not good enough x

Happynow001 · 30/07/2019 20:00

@EileenAlanna
Your father sounds lovely. Are you OK now? Or is there light at the end of the tunnel?

Hangingwithmygnomies · 30/07/2019 20:04

I've been reading your thread OP and I'm really glad to hear you're going to stay at your Mum's. You definitely do not need to marry this man. Not only on the basis of his parent's behaviour but also the fact that he is now sulking like a little kid, making out you're being so unreasonable about them! My PIL would never speak to me like that. They do have a key to our house (so does my Mum) but only use it if they need to pop something to the house while we're at work (literally droo and run) or take our DC back after school. I think now is the time to have a frank and open session with your therapist and tell him the real situation that's going on. Maybe he/she will be able to help you to come to terms with what it is you need to do?

EileenAlanna · 30/07/2019 20:08

@Happynow001 the marriage ended after too many years of serious problems, his adultery, lack of any support & culminating in violence. The signs were there - apart from the violence - but I didn't recognise them at the time. I'm very happy on my own, in fact I've come to realise now, at 63, that I really prefer that.

Pinkrose13 · 30/07/2019 20:23

“he won't call or text that s for sure”

OP, are you serious?? This is absolutely my husband and there can’t be two people like this!! Girl, you don’t know how lucky you are to have a chance of getting out now.

I’d give anything to go back in time and leave my DH while we were still dating.

ohfourfoxache · 30/07/2019 20:30

Prioritise the documents on this list

What to include in your safety packing list

www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/domestic-violence/leaving-abusive-relationship

Original poster
username302020 · 30/07/2019 20:30

I had the worst panic attack ever. I feel so lonely

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/07/2019 20:39

Panic attacks are not our enemy. It's simply a massive rush of cortisol hormone and that's all - your fight or flight is kicking in. I suspect you had this attack because you've just allowed yourself to have a HUGE revelation about how dysfunctional and negative your relationship really is. You've been brushing things off for a very long time, and it can be an incredible shock when you finally see things clearly.

aweedropofsancerre · 30/07/2019 20:45

username302020 you poor thing. Its your world that has been turned upside down. If it makes you feel any better my PIL were always a nightmare. Opinionated, overbearing and highly critical.....they weren't dreadful all the time but after having kids my OH got told my DD was obese and to cut down her milk. He would wander upstairs and let me know what they said, they said my DS allergies could be sorted out by living with them...( my OH is in the medical profession too), they hadn't seen my DS as they had all fallen out so why would I be handing my DC over. FIL was truly awful and suggested my DD was being abused at the nursery as she had bruises....interestingly she returned from there house with a massive black bruise on her back as she had slipped off the bed...they quickly reeled the accusations is. It took me to tell my OH to FO after I had a very late missed miscarriage (22weeks) and he and his mother had discussed it and decided I didnt really want the baby and they had both decided I needed to start calling her every week to talk about the DC....I flipped told him to FO and cut the cord and actually recognise that I and his DC were his family now. His DP were very welcome to be part of the circle if they understood their role within it. It took many years for my DP to grow a set and stand up for me and his DC.....I have a great relationship with his mum now ...his dad is still an ass

soloula · 30/07/2019 20:54

Day off work and pack up/move on. Do you have any friends that can help you nearby (or able to travel to yours at short notice)?

Original poster
username302020 · 30/07/2019 21:12

I will just take two days off and unwind. And not think about anything. I'll try to sleep it off.

I can't say in words how grateful I am that you, some strangers that never met me took their precious time to hold my hand. I hope someone will help you as much as you helped me here today.

OP posts:
Fragalino · 30/07/2019 21:50

Op only got to page 6 but I'm another victim of nasty in laws.

What I wanted to say was this is your honeymoon period.
If its this bad now, when pp are supposed to be madly in love what on earth will it be like once you marry, have dc... Your relationship comes under real strain etc

Foslady · 30/07/2019 22:03

So, so glad you have discovered your worth - you are priceless not worthless, and what you deserve is a million miles away from this abusive situation

SandAndSea · 30/07/2019 22:52

OP, I've rtft and I'm so pleased that you've got out. You're looking after yourself in the best way that you can and I know that you will look back and be so glad that you left. Yes, it hurts but it won't last! It will get better! You are strong and capable and you can do this!! Keep posting if it helps.

thickgit · 30/07/2019 23:32

Stay strong, you're doing the right thing

impossible · 31/07/2019 01:27

Good luck.

Original poster
username302020 · 31/07/2019 05:20

Not sure what will happen from tomorrow on, what I know for sure is that until May-June there's nothing left to pay for the wedding, which means there's no way to lose more money. He said next time he's going to have a serious chat with his parents which I might want to witness just for the fun of it.

I cried my eyes out last night and now I pulled myself together and I am back in control. Whatever will be, I am a strong, independent woman.

OP posts:
Original poster
username302020 · 31/07/2019 05:21

Not going back home today, I have a lot of work to do and I'm still at my mum's and will be for at least 1-2 more days

OP posts:
loveskaka · 31/07/2019 05:37

And this will get a million times worse when/if yous have kids! Trust me x

user1480880826 · 31/07/2019 05:57

They sound horrific!! I can’t believe your partner would stand aside and let them treat you like that.

You know this will get much, much worse if you have children? You see it on mumsnet all the time. PIL who think they can turn up seconds after the birth, who insist on having the children against the will of the mother, who undermine the authority of the parents etc etc.

Either your soon to be husband addresses this issue now or you need to seriously consider your future.

Original poster
username302020 · 31/07/2019 06:15

@user1480880826 If he doesn't address it then that's it. I'll admit I'm not willing to throw out of the window 2 years (2 happy years otherwise) without giving him the ultimatum.

I feel like people are so odd nowadays, have no boundaries and are so entitled! The shocker is that I come from an AMAZING family who loved me and supported me SO MUCH! I'd never be who I am if it wasn't for them! Sure, my parents were "modern" and open minded, I agree this is not the case in many families, but other families dynamics just make me so confused

OP posts:
user1480880826 · 31/07/2019 06:27

Perhaps it’s because you’re from such a lovely family that you have been prepared to see the best in your partner and have given him so many opportunities to change.

You always see lots of women complaining about in-laws on mumsnet but I have really lovely parents-in-law so you can rest assured that they do exist.

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