Overbearing PIL

[username302020]

Hi everyone. Long time user & poster, changed username for this post. Please, bare with me, this will be quite long, trying my best to keep it short.

I have been thinking for a while to post about this it's just I never got round to do it and this is a very sensitive topic for me.

I've been with my partner for 2 years now and we're due to get married next year in July.

His parents are overbearing and my partner doesn't do/say anything, which has made us have TERRIBLE fights and even making me wonder if I should go ahead with marriage or not.

I'll start by saying that we visit them for 3 days every 1.5 months or so. MIL also come twice a year for a week, she relaxes most of the time, doesn't offer her help with anything and makes a mess out of our house(her house is disgusting)

I'll give some examples, I'm ready to told IABU, if this is the case, I don't feel like I am too rational:

• FIL every single time we go there tells me "you've gained weight". For the record I was a size 8, I quit smoking and now I'm a size 10. This is a very sensitive subject for me (weight)

-Pretty much everything I say to my DP is taken as an offence by my MIL who says "don't upset my son" -They make unnanounced visits and he's fine with it -They have a key to our house -They try to interfere in the wedding even though they are not contributing at all -They make rude jokes towards me -They ask very personal questions -MIL wants to be called by me 2-3 times a week -If they are told something they start crying

Completely not relevant but my DP has a brother who lives in the same city as them and him and her wife are constantly fighting about the fact that he drives her everywhere (even hundreds of miles) and sees her everyday. She offers them money/gifts constantly and paid a considerable amount to their wedding (to make it clear, we don't need their money but they haven't offered!)

My problem is that I believe that my future husband should set some clear boundaries which is clearly doesn't happen and defends them all the time, whatever they do/say, which as I said, creates incredible tension in our relationship.

What would you do? I really don't know how to handle it anymore.

Thanks

I would not marry this man.

I have a very difficult MIL and the only reason that I can cope is that DH accepts what she is like and takes my side. We are generally able to keep her at arm’s length.

@Chickoletta What does he exactly do/say in difficult situations?

Oh dear, OP - this is very stressful & frustrating for you.
Your bullet-point list pretty much tells you what you need to know, but understandably don't want to think about - or can't think straight about.

Funnily enough THIS line spelled it out most clearly to my view:
Mil wants me to call 2-3 times a week
Phew, not really controlling, demanding & overbearing, huh?!
It speaks volumes - & it's all about this family not giving a shit who you really are, what you like, & where your boundaries are.

You now have to decide whether your DP is going to ever support you instead of blindly going along with his overwhelming parents. Sadly, you are not feeling that right now ... & after 2 years, how likely is that to change?
A wedding will not change one thing about your situation.
And THIS is how embracing of change your DP is:
We live at his place, he owns his house outright. We are planning to move in a few years but tbh he's not very keen on it, we won't have enough space when children come though.

Unless something utterly radical happens with DP & his relationship with his parents, (unlikely, as it seems he can't even stand up for you in the teeth of his parents constant dogs at you) this is going to be how your life will pan out.
You will be stuck in a home you don't own but are paying half the costs for, that is too small to contain children, & that is invaded by a couple of rude arseholes with their own keys & no respect for you, in an increasingly tense relationship with a manchild who is refusing to accommodate your most basic requests for personal autonomy.

There are some great points made by PP's upthread about managing your responses to the bullet-point items. You would do well to start there, & see what effect (if any) it has on your relationship.
If DP is still unwilling to put you first ahead of his crybaby parents ... well, you'd be better off without all the grief, no?

I am sorry how awful this must feel to you right now - but please believe me, a wedding is not going to make any of this suffocating pressure go away. From what you have written, I feel you are best off out of it, than stuck in the middle of this awful family with no room or time to be your own person.

DIGS at you not "dogs at you" OP - sorry!

You've got a glimpse of your future in your SIL. Take the warning.

I even threatened to leave & he said "do as you wish"

I’m not sure he could make it any clearer that you are not his priority. There’s no way on God’s green earth I’d be staying with a man who treated me like that and allowed his parents to behave so appallingly towards me.

Please leave and set your standards much higher.

@mussolini9 What's the most frustrating thing about it is that he believes that this is completely okay because it happens once every 1.5-2 months.

My mother lives in the same city (my father has a 1 year contract abroad atm and he's not around) and I see her every 2 weeks or so and as I said, she is very modern, funny and they have a great relationship, but even so he dared to tell me that we also see my mom!!! Yeah, but my mom is not a rude cow!

@DanielRicciardosSmile I'm afraid you might be right. We were visiting this weekend and my BIL was working so MIL called SIL to ask her to come for lunch; she said no, because she was busy cleaning. Next thing I know FIL fucking calls her and tell her to come over🥶

It’s up to your husband to set boundaries and he should be siding with and putting you first. If he can’t do that your life is going to be miserable. I’ve been in your shoes and I put up with it for a few years, I think it took my husband a while to see what was going on and to realise what his parents were actually like. Now he sees it, he sides with me, I don’t think I could have put up with it long term if he hadn’t.

My husband moved back home after uni and fell into line, they were very much the parents and him the child (he was in his 20s!). He’d obey his parent’s and I think they loved the fact he’d do whatever they told him to do, they were in all his business, any decisions, finances etc etc. I’d gone out with my husband at uni but broken up after a couple of years so his parents were always 100s of miles away, that was fine I had no dealings with them. When we got back together and started to get serious, they were still trying to be in his business. I’d point out that he didn’t need to share everything and any money decisions were now ours.

He sided with his overbearing parents for a long time, I’d be furious, that was until his mother one day decided to sit my husband down and tell him what she thought my flaws were. We were engaged with a baby on the way at this point so I’m not sure what she was thinking?!! An hour of listening to my flaws (I was upstairs but could hear) and him telling her she was wrong and not very nice. He came straight to me and told me everything. When I rightly exploded she said that what she had said was between her and her son not for me to hear. I think that was the turning point where she realised his loyalty wasn’t with her anymore. Things are now fine, I think it took that incident to make him realise what they were really like. I’d said all along his parents didn’t like me but he said no they love you... yeah they reeeeeally didn’t then and they still don’t!

They do still cause some fallouts between us, making demands on us but my husband does take my side and will say when they are shits. I sometimes feel bad as my in laws have badmouthed us to my husband’s extended family with their take on things, so we are often left out of family events now. It’s a shame really as most of them are lovely people.

Also relevant: I earn way less (comfortable though, it's not too much in comparison to his salary because he earns crazy money) and our budget is not common even though he'll sometimes pay for dinners out for example

OP, please listen to me. Im married to a man with over bearing parents and he wont/cant stand up to them. He is ok with them walking all over us and cannot see the problem. His mother is overbearing, manipulative, evil and selfish and now that I wont let her control me, she made it her life mission to get me.
My DH is an amazing guy, we've been together for nearly 13 years (married for 12). I deeply regret marrying him. I cant tell you how suffocating it gets when someone gets their say and way in YOUR life and you cant do much about it. Trust me, there will be many many lonely battles once you get married and have kids.

Dont marry him. No man is worth the shit and constant turbulence overbearing inlaws can cause in your life. Btw, a LOT of inlaws (women from earlier generations) are overbearing. Your problem is your spineless boyfriend. He will never stand up for you or draw boundaries.

I just feel like I hate those cheeky fuckers.

Own that thought, @username302020

& don't worry about it. I hate them too, & I haven't had to put up with them for 2 years.

Set some time for yourself & have a good long think about the dynamic at work here. Then a really long talk with DP about how things need to change, & that any potential wedding is conditional upon that change. It will be uncomfortable, but the level of DP's willingless to listen & support you, vs: his resistance to change or challenge, will tell you what you need to know.

@mussolini9 he refuses point blank to talk about it and when he does he tells me I'm too sensitive and I have a vendetta. I guess this tells me everything

@Pinkrose13 oh wow. So no amount of talk changed him. Do you stand up to your MIL?

What's the most frustrating thing about it is that he believes that this is completely okay because it happens once every 1.5-2 months.

Seriously?

Now it all comes to me loud and clear. When I said these changes are essential for the wedding to go ahead he said I need to change my flaws first and he'll make changes if I do so.

DP has a brother who lives in the same city as them and him and her wife are constantly fighting about the fact
THAT is what your married life will be like too - constantly arguing over your husband doesn't respect or consider your feelings or support you.

We argued SO MUCH because of them, I even threatened to leave & he said "do as you wish"
So what are you waiting around for? Why are you even thinking about 'giving it another chance' when he's been upfront with you the entirety of your relationship - his parents matter more than you and he will never set boundaries with them?

We talk a lot, we do a lot of things together, this is why I didn't actually leave
You can do all that with a dog - and it will show you more respect than your partner does.
You can do all that with friends, a fuck buddy etc and still get more consideration from them than your partner shows you.

This life isn't good enough for YOU and you know it - yet you're still thinking about bringing children into this fucked up dynamic?
You're actually prepared to put yourself in a vulnerable and dependent position emotionally and financially, risk your mental health/PND with the bullying over your pregnancy weight/body/parenting, then you'll watch your DC get pulled into this mess (cos you can't stop your DP allowing MIl contact with his child)....and then even if you leave years down the line you will forever more have this bullshit in your life.

Be honest with yourself - he's not lifetime partner material and you're so desperate to be with someone that you will accept any old shite thrown at you.
He's TELLING you who he is and that he will never change - why aren't you listening?

OP, I know two years is a big investment, but I'd run like hell if I were you!

This thread has left me in tears and I do know you are all right. I shall analyse my life then and see how do I get out of this mess

"Now it all comes to me loud and clear. When I said these changes are essential for the wedding to go ahead he said I need to change my flaws first and he'll make changes if I do so".

Now is this comment from him enough to make you cancel the wedding and also leave this so called relationship?. Where is your red line here?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. How is it that you got with this man in the first place?.

I just feel like he doesn't care. We argued SO MUCH because of them, I even threatened to leave & he said "do as you wish"

I'm not sure how much clearer he could make it that you're not a priority? There's a saying on MN: "when someone shows you who they are, believe them", but for whatever reason you don't seem to be taking in the messages he's sending

You mention that his DPs are "manipulative", but this would hardly matter if you were both on the same page - and you're quite simply not

As so often the problem isn't the outside influences - it's him, and only you can decide whether to continue with something which will only grow worse

Have a read about the sunken costs fallacy and why people hang onto otherwise poor relationships. Do not get hung up further on the sunken costs fallacy; what you're forgetting here too is that the damage has already been done.

username302020 are you/DP & family from a different country/culture?

Oh and to reiterate with what most PP have said, cut your loses now, you deserve better than this.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I had a great family growing up but I do have a tendency/history of being a doormat in previous relationships, thanks for making me admit this.

We met and things have moved really fast, we moved in after 2 months and we've met each other's families really quick.

Our parents have met too, once. They're very different

@BlueMoonAndRedNose both of us and families from the same culture