Overbearing PIL

[username302020]

Hi everyone. Long time user & poster, changed username for this post. Please, bare with me, this will be quite long, trying my best to keep it short.

I have been thinking for a while to post about this it's just I never got round to do it and this is a very sensitive topic for me.

I've been with my partner for 2 years now and we're due to get married next year in July.

His parents are overbearing and my partner doesn't do/say anything, which has made us have TERRIBLE fights and even making me wonder if I should go ahead with marriage or not.

I'll start by saying that we visit them for 3 days every 1.5 months or so. MIL also come twice a year for a week, she relaxes most of the time, doesn't offer her help with anything and makes a mess out of our house(her house is disgusting)

I'll give some examples, I'm ready to told IABU, if this is the case, I don't feel like I am too rational:

• FIL every single time we go there tells me "you've gained weight". For the record I was a size 8, I quit smoking and now I'm a size 10. This is a very sensitive subject for me (weight)

-Pretty much everything I say to my DP is taken as an offence by my MIL who says "don't upset my son" -They make unnanounced visits and he's fine with it -They have a key to our house -They try to interfere in the wedding even though they are not contributing at all -They make rude jokes towards me -They ask very personal questions -MIL wants to be called by me 2-3 times a week -If they are told something they start crying

Completely not relevant but my DP has a brother who lives in the same city as them and him and her wife are constantly fighting about the fact that he drives her everywhere (even hundreds of miles) and sees her everyday. She offers them money/gifts constantly and paid a considerable amount to their wedding (to make it clear, we don't need their money but they haven't offered!)

My problem is that I believe that my future husband should set some clear boundaries which is clearly doesn't happen and defends them all the time, whatever they do/say, which as I said, creates incredible tension in our relationship.

What would you do? I really don't know how to handle it anymore.

Thanks

What should he do to handle this?

He should support you , but since he doesn't, I'd say run for the hills.

Inlaws live abroad. My DH will get this sword out to protect them and justify their shit if I am rude/disrespectful towards them ( I never was). MIL takes advantage of this and passes rude remarks, digs etc at every single opportunity. She has also done many evil things when we lived near them. She would brainwash my husband against me, lie and then deny having said anything, poison his mind against my parents, try to keep my daughter with her!! Its not in my nature to be rude/mean to people even in retaliation. So I cut them off. Zero contacts. She can never get me because she has no access to me. I am protecting my marriage for my kids by doing this. I hate DH for having no spine. I hate him for being their dog.

She wants access to my kids WITHOUT ME. So she can groom them over time and brainwash them against me. EVIL bitch.

Op, when DH and I were dating, they were just like your inlaws (just a bit over bearing). MIL got more and more evil as time passed. She became a devil since we had kids.

@SeaEagle21 Believe me I don't even want him to fight with them (tho they would freaking deserve it), but to have a decent talk and intervene when they're rude and call them out

he said I need to change my flaws first and he'll make changes if I do so

How generous of him

You do realise, don't you, that any "changes" you chose to make would never be enough? And that getting you into a position where you feel you have to make them is his real aim, to avoid addressing his own dreadful behaviour?

Pure gaslighting, I'm afraid ... otherwise known as abuse

@Pinkrose13 OHHHH thanks for reminding me! she says things that he never hears even though he's sat right there. And she denies stuff too. Yay!

@Puzzledandpissedoff I, of course, as everyone have flaws. I am short tempered and I get angry quickly. I am in therapy for this. Things take time. That's what he means by "flaws"

Believe me I don't even want him to fight with them (tho they would freaking deserve it), but to have a decent talk and intervene when they're rude and call them out
I've been asking THIS for 13 years OP. He cannot even ASK them to stop. Reading your post sounds like it was written by 25 year old me. My advise to my 25 year old self would be RUN FOR THE HILLS

@Pinkrose13 😦 Did you ever stand up to them? How did it go?

thanks for reminding me! she says things that he never hears even though he's sat right there. And she denies stuff too. Yay!

OP, this is getting very spooky. My husband NEVER heard a single word ever ! Even things said right in front of him. Its like he has been hypnotized !!

@Pinkrose13 Do we have the same guy? Is the bastard married too?😂

Did you ever stand up to them? How did it go?.
I tried several times. It ended up with MIL, FIL, SIL and DH ganging up against me and orally attack me making it a big discussion about my flaws and how I should correct them (in the initial days of marriage) and in the later years MIL FIL SIL ganging up with DH just watching.

The best my DH can do is watch. Neutral position. He has his sword out though, to cut my head off if I say one disrespectful word against his mother. He cant hear anything she says though. So she has never been disrespectful to me.

So what I did was, I closed the show. They dont exist for me. After a few years of very low contact, she started using those small opportunities to pass digs. Now its zero contact with no access to kids.

Hello again @user302020

It takes guts to reach out, & guts & personal integrity to accept uncomfortable facts. From the tone of your update posts, it's clear that you are now doing both. Allow yourself those tears - you have been putting up with far too much & are likely near emotional exhaustion from the dead horse you've been flogging.

Your DP's responses to you are appalling.
He thinks it's ok because it only happens every 1/5 months? Blimey! Is it ok then if I rock up & punch him or his awful parents on the nose, so long as I only do it every 6 weeks? His parents are abusive to you & he turns it around to make YOU responsible for "having a vendetta?" That's not a vendetta FFS that's a normal & rational response to abusive remarks!

When you feel ready to a long quiet think in solitude, please make sure to re-read all @AttilaTheMeerkat's wise posts here - especially
He will never put you first; he will be in emotional hock to his abusive parents for the rest of his life.

It is not going to be easy, or comfortable, but I think you already know what you are going to have to do ... "as you wish" indeed.
Give yourself some comfort by imagining how FREE you will feel when you are putting your own money into your OWN roof, not your spineless DP's, & saving for your own future happiness - & that nobdy can impose upon you & control you anymore.

@Pinkrose13 sounds exactly like my story. He watches like you'd watch tv. And he only hears what I say.

How does he feel about no contact and acces to the kids?

Some classic gaslighting going on here OP.

He says you need to work on your 'flaws' before he'll deign to treat you with basic respect? What a manipulative arsehole. guess what, imperfect people deserve supportive loving relationships as well.

Your PIL are awful. Do not have children unless your partner is able to implement clear firm boundaries.

You should be an equal in your relationship. Him being a higher earner or home owner doesn't mean his parents have a license to rule over and judge you. Fuck them.

I recommend reading Toxic In Laws by Susan Forward.

@username302020 possible!!

username302020 obviously I don't know you so it's hard to say, but are you quite sure about needing therapy for "anger issues", or is the anger a natural response to how you're being treated (but presented by him as a problem which needs addressing)?

I've also been down this road, and learned that the endless problems I was allegedly causing were mere tools, invented and employed as part of the abuse

@Puzzledandpissedoff I've thought about this too. I just thought therapy won't hurt as long as it teaches me to stay calm and not hurt myself, because I'm the only one who seems to get hurt

@WishingILivedOnAnIsland just downloaded the book, thank you!

This is him on his best behaviour doing his best to be reasonable and nice once he's got you, once you've got that ball and chain on your ankle his Facade will dissolve and you will see the prison that you have walked into

When I said these changes are essential for the wedding to go ahead he said I need to change my flaws first and he'll make changes if I do so

1. Ah, Those will be the imaginary flaws invented by his parents then.
2. If you manage the logistic impossiblity of 'changing' these flaws you do not have then I guarantee -
3. He will STILL not make any changes. Even worse -
4. He will have conditioned you into becoming his puppet, just like he is his parents' puppet.

Start imagining a life without all this stifling control & emotional ineptidue.

I feel like screaming. It's like talking to a wall. And being blamed for everything, always, it's always my fault and they're great.

Btw, after the fight from last night he left for work and didn't say a single word today.

Also they sound not very well educated perhaps from a traditional background, certainly not modern or sophisticated?

@Pinkrose13 I explained to him that no-contact is to protect myself from any more abuse. I think he too is very tired from all the fights we had. Sadly, his mother was the only thing we ever fought about. We are remarkably compatible in most things.

The moment I step out of the house, he is on videochat with them showing the kids. When my children were small, I just ignored it. My daughter is 10 now. I want to be very careful. No way I'm going to let them have brainwashing access to my daughter without me. Absolutely no fucking way!! My husband or his sister dont speak to most of their extended family (aunts, uncles etc). Thats because his mother doesnt like them. I use this example.

@Whosorrynow touche. She's not a fan of working (only worked 10 years or so) and he was an engineer, working on the field (in different cities) pretty much all the time, so mummy raised the boys

Life is too damn short to join this circus freak show. Your DP's loyalties are with his family not you. Get out and find a man with a spine