Overbearing PIL

[username302020]

Hi everyone. Long time user & poster, changed username for this post. Please, bare with me, this will be quite long, trying my best to keep it short.

I have been thinking for a while to post about this it's just I never got round to do it and this is a very sensitive topic for me.

I've been with my partner for 2 years now and we're due to get married next year in July.

His parents are overbearing and my partner doesn't do/say anything, which has made us have TERRIBLE fights and even making me wonder if I should go ahead with marriage or not.

I'll start by saying that we visit them for 3 days every 1.5 months or so. MIL also come twice a year for a week, she relaxes most of the time, doesn't offer her help with anything and makes a mess out of our house(her house is disgusting)

I'll give some examples, I'm ready to told IABU, if this is the case, I don't feel like I am too rational:

• FIL every single time we go there tells me "you've gained weight". For the record I was a size 8, I quit smoking and now I'm a size 10. This is a very sensitive subject for me (weight)

-Pretty much everything I say to my DP is taken as an offence by my MIL who says "don't upset my son" -They make unnanounced visits and he's fine with it -They have a key to our house -They try to interfere in the wedding even though they are not contributing at all -They make rude jokes towards me -They ask very personal questions -MIL wants to be called by me 2-3 times a week -If they are told something they start crying

Completely not relevant but my DP has a brother who lives in the same city as them and him and her wife are constantly fighting about the fact that he drives her everywhere (even hundreds of miles) and sees her everyday. She offers them money/gifts constantly and paid a considerable amount to their wedding (to make it clear, we don't need their money but they haven't offered!)

My problem is that I believe that my future husband should set some clear boundaries which is clearly doesn't happen and defends them all the time, whatever they do/say, which as I said, creates incredible tension in our relationship.

What would you do? I really don't know how to handle it anymore.

Thanks

@EKGEMS I managed to drag myself to the point that I believe no one will like me and I'll never be able to find someone nice because I'm terrible

Why are you even in this relationship?

You say you love him and you get on but it doesn't sound like he feels the same about you.
Sorry to put it bluntly but he clearly doesn't love you at all.

OP, are you sure you are not me? Like I now have a mental problem - my younger self having a conversation with my older self ? Some parallel world.

I feel like screaming. It's like talking to a wall. And being blamed for everything, always, it's always my fault and they're great.

THIS ^

Leave him OP. I will buy you as much booze you want to get over the break-up. How fast can you run ??

Oh honey that is heartbreaking. You ARE lovable and deserve kindness and respect. You have been abused by him and his loony toon family.

@PunishmentSnart I'm starting to believe this too. And the more I analyse it the more I see it as it is. He's not particularily romantic or caring which is fine, we're not all like this, but this PIL, even once at 2 months has gotten the worst out of me

I agree with @username302020

This guy doesnt love you. He has a car, he has a TV and now he wants a wife. Just that.

@Pinkrose13 I can't run with all this weight....😂😂😂 I've PM'd you if that's okay

It will get worse when you have kids. The main problem is that your DH does nothing about it and this will eat at you as he is essentially choosing keeping his parents happy over you.

Sorry I meant:

I agree with @PunishmentSnart

At least now I know that I'm not crazy. Or we all are... which is highly unlikely

I just thought therapy won't hurt as long as it teaches me to stay calm and not hurt myself, because I'm the only one who seems to get hurt

The ability to stay calm is a positive, but in this case I'd suggest it will only help if it enables you to confront the abuse, rather than quietening you down so you put up with it

You will indeed be the only one getting hurt, but that's because it's the way he wants it. Not exactly the behaviour of a loving partner is it?

And what's the absolute worst is that when I tell him what his parents do he tells me "remember when you do xyz thing?". It's always about him. And what I do wrong

@Puzzledandpissedoff I wish I could tell them they're CF. Did I mention that when they come visit and we go out they wait for us to pay? CF CF CF

I've only read your OP. I don't need to read ant further. It will get worse.

Leave him.

Sorry

Don't do it! If your husband doesn't see any problem with any of this crap, and after two years already, you'll never win. You simply can't win against parents like that when everything is accepted or they're idolised by your partner. Cut your losses, be free and find someone prepared to live an independent life. I speak from experience.

His parents behaviour is unimportant here.

It matters that you are upset and that he isn't accepting your feelings ....and he doesn't care enough to make you feel better.

Hi op
Your dp is not putting you first,he is showing you zero courtesy,respect of empathy.And you're not even married?
Imho you should walk away now.

@1Wildheartsease He knows that I'm upset. I'll admit I called her names in front of him which he finds unacceptable but perfectly acceptable for her to offend me face to face

I wish I could tell them they're CF

No point I'm afraid; they won't listen and it will just give him another imagined grievance

In the end we can do nothing about others' behaviour, only our own response to it ... which is why only you can decide whether you'll continue absorbing what is, without doubt, abuse

He is assuming you'll never walk away and you'll do whatever it takes to keep him. And so far he's right. You're worth more than that and you are not this terrible person you're starting to believe you are. Tell him you've had enough and it's not going to work so you're ending things. He may in time come back and realise what he did wrong, he may not, but walking away is the only option here that doesn't crush you.

@Butterymuffin I'm so afraid of cancelling the wedding, especially that we paid so much money for it! Gah!

And another thing - what's with all these parents in law running around with bloody keys to houses? It's on every other thread seemingly! This I just don't understand, emergencies or not, it's clearly asking for trouble.

@Cheeserton even if there was an emergency, what would the assholes do? Come to us from 3 hours away when they always wait to be driven by their other son?

Do you really have to visit with him? Let him go by himself. Visit your family/firends. We he moved from the UK to the European Country of my DH's birth. We live about 20 minutes from his over bearing mother. She is rude, sarcastic and everything I do is wrong but then she has hated every woman that he has ever dated.

I have had the weight thing too I say, 'I am the exact same weight as last time, if your confused we should get you tested'.

I have now stepped back. DH visits with the kids, I enjoy a bit of alone time. I say, it's you she wants to see - have done quality time together. I have stopped inviting her over to dinner saying to DH - she's your mother you arrange it. And he doesn't.

We still have her over Christmas eve and Christmas day because I even I couldn't leave an 80 year on her own at Christmas. My DH has to drive her back and forth because she won't stay in our house as 'she's not welcome'. She will repeat this about 10 times each day and we just ignore it now. She will only eat the two traditional dishes she makes as there is something wrong with all of my food - too spicy, salty, bland, tastes funny etc. House is too warm, cold etc. We invite her for boxing day but she never comes as. 'I know I have outstayed my welcome'. I used to beg her to come. Now I say, 'OK well the offer is there if you change your mind'

My life is better for not letting it stress me out. It sounds as if you are not prepared to walk away but if so, you need to protect yourself. Don't stress about things that haven't happened They may have a key but they haven't visited. They didn't turn up to your weekend away. Make friends with the SIL so you have 'laugh' off some of their antics. That will annoy them for sure NAD make it less personal for you.

You have to go forward knowing that they will not change, and your DH is unlikely to. To have to change how you deal with it if you want a future with this man.

Good luck OP.

OP, spending money should be the last thing to consider about cancelling the marriage. You shouldn't condemn yourself to a lifetime of grief for the sake of a few grand. You need to lay this firmly on the line and get him to understand what a deal breaker this really is, and be prepared to follow through with it!