Overbearing PIL

[username302020]

Hi everyone. Long time user & poster, changed username for this post. Please, bare with me, this will be quite long, trying my best to keep it short.

I have been thinking for a while to post about this it's just I never got round to do it and this is a very sensitive topic for me.

I've been with my partner for 2 years now and we're due to get married next year in July.

His parents are overbearing and my partner doesn't do/say anything, which has made us have TERRIBLE fights and even making me wonder if I should go ahead with marriage or not.

I'll start by saying that we visit them for 3 days every 1.5 months or so. MIL also come twice a year for a week, she relaxes most of the time, doesn't offer her help with anything and makes a mess out of our house(her house is disgusting)

I'll give some examples, I'm ready to told IABU, if this is the case, I don't feel like I am too rational:

• FIL every single time we go there tells me "you've gained weight". For the record I was a size 8, I quit smoking and now I'm a size 10. This is a very sensitive subject for me (weight)

-Pretty much everything I say to my DP is taken as an offence by my MIL who says "don't upset my son" -They make unnanounced visits and he's fine with it -They have a key to our house -They try to interfere in the wedding even though they are not contributing at all -They make rude jokes towards me -They ask very personal questions -MIL wants to be called by me 2-3 times a week -If they are told something they start crying

Completely not relevant but my DP has a brother who lives in the same city as them and him and her wife are constantly fighting about the fact that he drives her everywhere (even hundreds of miles) and sees her everyday. She offers them money/gifts constantly and paid a considerable amount to their wedding (to make it clear, we don't need their money but they haven't offered!)

My problem is that I believe that my future husband should set some clear boundaries which is clearly doesn't happen and defends them all the time, whatever they do/say, which as I said, creates incredible tension in our relationship.

What would you do? I really don't know how to handle it anymore.

Thanks

@user1480880826 Can I borrow yours?

@user1480880826 I have no doubt they exist, I see my parents. No unsolicited advice, lovely presents, helpful (if they are asked so), we even holiday with them sometimes as it's so much fun!

Op, you (both) are holidaying with your parents only because your Mil hasn’t yet brainswashed your BF against them. Trust me, it will happen.

Well done for taking the first step, OP.

I hope that the space gives you time to work out where to go from here.

@Pinkrose13 Shockingly but my MIL thinks the world of my parents. And fortunately they can't go on holidays

@LakieLady I really hope so, too. Thank you!

My mil got along really well with my parents during our courtship. My mum and her even went on week end mini trips (mils insisting). It later dawned upon me that she used that time to dig for info that can be used against me later ( if my mum innocently told her something!!). In the months after marriage, mil became very insecure. She decided I (and my parents) were stealing her boy. Hell broke loose and she started brainwashing my husband against my parents. It was her word against mine/my parents. No prizes for guessing who he believed!

Your happiness should be in your hands. Not at someone’s mercy.

With the kind of mental/ emotional relationship your bf and his parents have, your happiness will always be in their hands. He will be nice to you IF THEY ALLOW HIM TO. They press one button and the BF is jumping here!

OP, 2 years is nothing compared to -insert any number- years of misery. If you have decent parents speak to them.

Your partner is well trained by his parents and they sound absolutely horrid.

Run for the hills, before you have ties to him and his family.

Wishing you best 💐

Google the sunk costs fallacy.

Yes, 2 years is a shame to throw away. But imagine throwing away the rest of your life to this situation.

OP if you are not first in your husbands eyes then you never will be.I appreciate you care for him a great deal but do you respect him? No you cannot possibly cos he is letting you down so badly.Are you resentful of him? Yes obviously...see without the fundamentals of love ,trust,decency and respect you dont really have a lot.They are the basis of all good strong marriages.You wont change him cos he doesnt want to change.I am really sorry but each time you decide to give it another go him a second third chance what you literally are doing is rolling over and letting him treat you disrespectfully.He will continue to do this because he knows the end result of you being miserable enables him to not do anything cos you will let him do it again and again...I am sorry but this relationship will be in circles going round the self same issues forever.Go find someone who loves you totally,who respects you,who will put you above all others which is so what you deserve.

He said next time he's going to have a serious chat with his parents which I might want to witness just for the fun of it

Good luck with that, OP; my own said the same, even down to assuring me I'd be present - only to wait until I left the room and then claim he "forgot" what had been agreed

And of course, whatever's said in front of PILs in no way precludes him "clarifying" things with them later ...

I hope that you have been able to resolve things and that you are happier now.

Forget the parents for a moment, this is a man who refuses to do anything about a situation that makes you unhappy until you fix your "flaws", who gives you the silent treatment you when you express your feelings, who promises houses, shared budgets etc. but doesn't actually do anything about it. These are just the few things you mention about him here. Are you sure this is a man you want to spend your life with? To me, he sounds more like a man who will grind down your self-confidence a little more year after year and blame it all on you.