Overbearing PIL

[username302020]

Hi everyone. Long time user & poster, changed username for this post. Please, bare with me, this will be quite long, trying my best to keep it short.

I have been thinking for a while to post about this it's just I never got round to do it and this is a very sensitive topic for me.

I've been with my partner for 2 years now and we're due to get married next year in July.

His parents are overbearing and my partner doesn't do/say anything, which has made us have TERRIBLE fights and even making me wonder if I should go ahead with marriage or not.

I'll start by saying that we visit them for 3 days every 1.5 months or so. MIL also come twice a year for a week, she relaxes most of the time, doesn't offer her help with anything and makes a mess out of our house(her house is disgusting)

I'll give some examples, I'm ready to told IABU, if this is the case, I don't feel like I am too rational:

• FIL every single time we go there tells me "you've gained weight". For the record I was a size 8, I quit smoking and now I'm a size 10. This is a very sensitive subject for me (weight)

-Pretty much everything I say to my DP is taken as an offence by my MIL who says "don't upset my son" -They make unnanounced visits and he's fine with it -They have a key to our house -They try to interfere in the wedding even though they are not contributing at all -They make rude jokes towards me -They ask very personal questions -MIL wants to be called by me 2-3 times a week -If they are told something they start crying

Completely not relevant but my DP has a brother who lives in the same city as them and him and her wife are constantly fighting about the fact that he drives her everywhere (even hundreds of miles) and sees her everyday. She offers them money/gifts constantly and paid a considerable amount to their wedding (to make it clear, we don't need their money but they haven't offered!)

My problem is that I believe that my future husband should set some clear boundaries which is clearly doesn't happen and defends them all the time, whatever they do/say, which as I said, creates incredible tension in our relationship.

What would you do? I really don't know how to handle it anymore.

Thanks

@roothyb I actually giggled at this. Thanks. I was feeling horrible

I only do this if you promise you'll come to my funeral because I'm pretty sure I'll end up dead before the first week ends

@StarJumpsandaHalf exactly. They are for sure manipulative, but how can you be manipulative if there's no one around who allows to be manipulated?

PS: apologise for the potential grammar/spelling mistakes, English is my second language and I left the UK 4 years ago🙈

"He promised a shit load of times that he'd talk to them" and yet he still hasn't? Run. He's not prepared to put you first. My dDad told me many years ago "don't make yourself a priority for someone who only sees you as an option" and he's right. If your dp is not defending you then without using so many words he's agreeing with them.
Dh's folks are a nightmare, but fortunately are over 300 miles away. They don't sound to dissimilar to yours, but when fil says something inappropriate dh will tell him so. He's in my corner. Dh himself prefers spending time with my parents rather than his own.

@Cockadoodledooo he agrees they're terrible and difficult and a few times he told them stuff in a very loooooooow and halfhearted voice, as if a child was talking.

"I'm not trying to defend him, but otherwise he's great".

How is he great exactly?.

"We talk a lot, we do a lot of things together, this is why I didn't actually leave. I know, I must sound dumb".

What do you do together?. You have spent the last couple of days arguing. And yes you do sound dumb for actually still putting up with him and his family. What are you getting out of this relationship that is for you still worth it?.

"Plus he promised a shitload of times that he'll talk to them!"

Those are empty promises, its flannel from him to get you to shut up. His, "do as you wish" comments speaks volumes about him as well. He is mired in his own inertia, fear, obligation and guilt re his parents and all that combines to hurt you.

life is too short to fight fire with fire, don't drop down to their level, far better to move on and away from this nonsense.

He doesn't care for you more than his parents.

Heck it was even in the old marriage ceremony: "For this reason a man leaves his Father and Mother and cleaves to his wife"
Your P has no intention of leaving his parents.

Get out now - before he has access to your money. Before you have children.
He does not have your back. He believes they come first.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

really appreciate your comment. Thanks. I agree to everything that has been said here, you're absolutely right. I am willing to try once more before cancelling the wedding. Perhaps trying myself to talk to them? Call them out when they're rude?

He is still very much a child, and a frightened one at that, in their presence. He cannot stand up for his own self and he does not want either to stand up for you because if he does, he will cop it from them. He would rather you fall on his sword. He is far more afraid of them than he ever is or would be of you.

He will never put you first; he will be in emotional hock to his abusive parents for the rest of his life.

Don't forget OP, that when they get elderly, there is probably an agreement in place that they will come to live with their ds . . .

Run like fuck

@Notverygrownup he strongly disagrees any of them living with us, I'm sure about this as we discussed it in the past. Well... sure.... what can you be sure about?

@username302020 I sincerely apologize in advance if I am wide of the mark or if this question is out of line, but are you living in a culture where grown children have been automatically conditioned to defer to their parents?

I ask because that would go a way to explaining your DP's behaviour, not just as his personality or his parents' dominant attitude but also because of the conditioning of society. Potentially it may also be a society where women, particularly daughters in law are regarded as less important?

If this is not the case then we can at least disregard those factors.

@StarJumpsandaHalf No, definitely not the case. It's just his family. And they way him and his brother have been raised.

Unless they both die in the coming weeks, plan your own future without your oh and run for the hills. If oh cannot see how overbearing, rude and downright fucking ignorant they are then he won't create boundaries and you will be left a shell of yourself. While I always say you marry your husband and not his family, in this case your oh doesn't seem to see them as an issue and will argue with you to defend them instead of you. If it was a case he would stand up to them then great, you could go NC and never have to see the pricks. But doesn't look like that can happen.

The PILs are horrible, you’ll never change them and I doubt you’ll change the way your partner sees them.

I would be thinking twice about my future with him in your shoes OP.

@Drum2018 no way they die in the next weeks, there's big chances I die first & MIL is immortal

"I am willing to try once more before cancelling the wedding"".

I would strongly advise against such a course of action, you are flogging a dead horse. You need to show him there are consequences now by leaving him. He will probably also then tell you to do as you wish.

"Perhaps trying myself to talk to them? Call them out when they're rude?"
I am sorry but these tactics, particularly the first one, will not work. These people are abusive so are not open at all to any reasoned argument. Your man is a mouse and a frightened one at that when it comes to his parents. Look too at his brother; their situation is scarily similar. These people are all unhealthily enmeshed and codependent with each other.

They would have acted the self same regardless of whom their son met and it is not his fault or yours that they are like this. You did not make them this way. You can only help your own self ultimately.

@AttilaTheMeerkat The only thing that's different between him and his DB is that his DB lives way closer to them (3 min walk). Otherwise the situation would be identical

he told me when someone tells you you gained weight it doesn't equal to being fat. Am I dumb or something?

No he is. It's rude and unkind to make personal comments about people.If he can't see that, you have a serious DP problem and this situation is not going to get better, only worse.DP should be on your side, defending you and telling his parents off when they are rude to you, not minimising their awful behaviour.

I wouldn't marry him. If you do, you will be marrying them as well. They are one big toxic package.

Dump him.You deserve better than this.

@user302020 then I'm afraid I agree that it's personal and you're flogging a dead horse in this relationship.

I sometimes read threads on MN about problematic PILs and I think "well surely they must have had an idea what they were like before they got married, why did they marry them?" If your DP is not putting you first this early on in the relationship OP, then don't expect it to get any better. In fact, once you're married and DCs come along, it will almost certainly get worse. The "do as you wish" comment would have been the deal breaker for me. In your shoes I'd consider getting out now and finding someone who was not afraid to stand up to their DPs bad behaviour, and set boundaries.

Either stand up to them or leave. My exPil came to visit 2 days after I’d had a baby and he comments ‘you’ve piled the beef on’ I told mil not to bring him back and she didn’t, thankfully they decided to side with their son and after the split never bothered with their gc. These nasty people end up lonely old people and only have themselves to blame. Walk away and enjoy life.

"Do as you wish"
He's made his choice, and it's not you.

Beware if you try to cross mil. You will be seen as the bad guy I bet...