To feel disappointed with mum re childcare

[RubyPurple]

I have a really, really difficult baby. Essentially a high needs baby who cries most of the time and rarely content. My husband works in a high pressured job and is often travelling. I have friends whose mothers or MILs help out when they’re going through a difficult time with babies.

My mum and MIL have never really offered to help except for the week after my son was born. They are both SAHM themselves so no jobs but my my mum visits my elderly gran every day for an hour or two and my father in law has anxiety and is quite dependent on MIL so that’s why they say they can’t help. I felt like it was unreasonable to expect anything from anyone but today my health visitor saw how difficult my son was and said I really need someone to take him for a little bit during the weekdays as it’s too much for me to cope with every day (I’ve got PND and getting that sorted now). Our friends and siblings seem surprised that despite having both sets of parents near us we have such little support. I try to understand things from their point of view as they have their own issues and obligations but I do feel a little sad about it. If they each offered to come around for two or three hours during the week it would be so helpful. When I think that then sometimes I wonder if I’m being unreasonable to expect anything from them?

YANBU, they should be supporting you.

Remember this when they need help.

They sound awful and selfish op.
Yes they might be busy but ffs who can stand by and watch their kids struggle?!

I’d make it clear that as they get older they couldn’t rely on me for help.

You’ll get people saying you chose to have a child so should look
After it yourself blah blah but it takes a certain kind of selfish fucker to do this imo.

Have you asked them to watch him? If so, what was their reason not to?
It might be that they don't realise how much help you need.
If you have asked and the answer is no they are in their right to say so (as sad as it is).
I'd look for other childcare, you can't do it all on your own.

On here you’ll be told that you are.
In real life? No not at all. I firmly believe that the rise of post natal depression and anxiety is bound up in the increasingly isolated way in which women are expected to mother, without support from older, more experienced women.

I hope you get some support - if you don’t, can you recruit a friend to come over and just hold your baby while you have a bath or go for a walk, or eat a meal? Don’t be proud- ask! It’s what friends are for.

Ask, don’t wait for them to offer.

Have you told them that you need help?

I know my MIL would be very conscious of not overstepping, despite being very generous with her time. I’d need to ask her to take the dc, but she’d happily help out.

Have you outright said to either of them that you need help? I find you really need to be obvious (in the case of my mum). Or they just don't get it. Tell them how difficult you are finding it, and ask for them to come round . Even if they just watch the baby whole you get on with things in the house. I found that sort of thing invaluable when a willing visitor arrived. I didn't want them to do stuff while I sat with the baby, I sat with the baby all bloody day and night!

Are they not helping because he’s a (in your words) high needs baby? Perhaps they feel out of their depth. Have you thought of a part time nanny?

OP they don’t ‘have’ to help you care for your DS.

But equally when they’re elderly to the point that they need care/ support you do not ‘have’ to help them.

You 100% get back from people what you put in! Maybe ‘gently’ explain this to them. I don’t know if they’re the kind of parents who do assume you’ll care for them in old age but A LOT of my parents age group seem to assume that!

Have you asked specifically for some help, OP?

I mean, have you said "Mum, would you be able to come to my house on a Wednesday between 10 and 12, and look after the baby in between feeds, maybe take him for a walk to the park? I really need to get some extra sleep/have my hair done/go to a gym class and the HV says it would really benefit my PND."

Have you asked if you can go over to their house instead of them coming to yours? I'm thinking that perhaps your FIL is better in his own environment so your MIL would be able to offer a couple of hours if you made it possible for her to do so.

I didn’t ask directly but I did mention that I’m really struggling and I’m thinking about getting paid help out of desperation. They both didn’t like the idea as they didn’t think it’s good to have a stranger looking after the baby. My mum thinks a babysitter/nanny will run off because he’s so difficult. They both offered their excuses voluntarily without me asking “Oh if I wasn’t so busy with gran/my husband I would have been helping you out”

If they refuse to help, can you pay for childcare? You need to make yourself a priority.

My first screamed almost constantly and even with support it was difficult. If I could go back in time and ask for/pay for more help. There are no prizes for soldiering on alone.

They both didn’t like the idea as they didn’t think it’s good to have a stranger looking after the baby. My mum thinks a babysitter/nanny will run off because he’s so difficult.

Well, if they can't or won't offer, then paid help is ABSOLUTELY what you should do. So you can ignore their extremely unhelpful comments!

I'm afraid you have your answer as to why they're not offering. They don't feel confident meeting your baby's needs. Not much you can do about that.

The expectation is definitely there that they will get looked after in their old age and that they deserve it because they’ve done their bit by raising their kids well. I understand that but it’s just impossible to deal with my son on my own. I feel like I will have a breakdown. I don’t like the idea of a stranger looking after him especially when
he is so small but I don’t feel like I have w choice and they make me feel guilty for considering it :(

I also feel like my mum is right. Why would a nanny look after such a difficult child when they can probably find an easy one?

My DH got depression when dc were born. We were super near MIL. His GP said he should ask MIL to babysit one evening. Her list of excuses was a mile long despite really being an okay person.
It took years for DH to forgive her disappearing when he really needed her. I think the depression scared her as well as the dc.
Anyway it meant her guilt tripping about moving dc overseas got short shrift.
Things are on an even keel again but we would never assume we could rely on her for help. Some parents are just rather rubbish.

I would be blunt and say you really need their help with this and as a pp said give a specific day or time. Start with your own mum maybe?

But equally when they’re elderly to the point that they need care/ support you do not ‘have’ to help them.

I hate that shit. While it would be nice if they could help out with their grandchild, saying they don’t deserve help in their old age is just nasty. They did their bit supporting and raising the OP!

I’m sorry you’re struggling OP. You say your DH travels due to work, so is there any way that you can afford to pay for help, such as an au pair?

Have you told them both that they’re both making excuses? As in - ‘yes well given that neither of you are capable of helping me at all then I don’t have any other choice’

They both may think the other one should step up.

Or try a passive aggressive route and complain about the other. Ring MIL and complain that your DM isn’t offering any help or support as she’s so busy with other aspects of her life - Despite knowing your have PND and is leaving you with no other choice than to hire a stranger. Whilst you understand she’s busy not offering ANY regular help for her own grandchild is awful...isn’t it?

^ And vice Versa - I think that’d guilt an offer!

I actually saw a thread a while ago from the other side of this. OP had no support from DM/DF when children were small (they actively refused as they wanted to maintain their own adventurous life!)
OP’s children had since grown up and her DF had suffered a stroke- DM was trying to pull on OP for pretty much everything and OP basically sat her down and had the exact same conversation they’d had with her when she needed help with DC. ‘Sorry I can’t help you as I want to enjoy my own life’ her DM called her selfish and OP pointed out they’d done the EXACT same thing!

Why not ask your mum to watch little one whilst you visit your gran. This way gran gets her daily visit and you get a break.

Oh op that's sounds terrible 😢. Not very helpful from your dm/mil about helpers running a mile! Can your health visitor put you in touch with any one now you know parents won't help? Where I live there are volunteers (sure start?) who help out people who are struggling.

Maybe see if you can go to an nct bumps and babies or something like that. I will be forever grateful to the helpers there who took my screaming baby off me for an hour or so every week! Granted I was sat in a village hall but still.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. They change so fast and it will get easier. There will be plenty of other challenges but some are easier to deal with than others.

Ask friends. I've helped my mates out and it was a pleasure. Your own baby screaming does something to every fibre of your being, but to others it's fine.

Best of luck to you

What is ‘high needs’? Has your HV not offered advice on how to manage or why is he crying/screaming all day?

That sounds tough op. Is your mum actually a career for your gran if she is there every day? Could she feel like she just can’t do any more caring on top of that if she is retirement age herself? Ignore the stuff about not getting a nanny though, none of their business of they’re not helping - do it if you can afford it.

They sound like they are looking after their own interests .

This is where society is heading , very similar situation myself , both sets of grandparents don’t want to be involved in offering any support , both my parents and my OHs parents very focussed on looking after their own parents .

My in laws have expressed their wish not to be involved in any child care , my parents said they would help , but didn’t really , save a few half days : or 2 weeks straight after my 2 kids were born.

I only hear from them ( my parents ) when they want to tell me about their health problems ( and looking for advice on solving their health problems ). Or they a want me to cook for them . Because they can’t be bothered to cook and clean up after themselves .( something I always did when I lived with them )

My in laws didn’t want to be involved to help , but made huge fuss about their demands of having weekends with my family so they can basically play with my children while I skivvy around doing the feeding and nappies , and they get to spend the weekend playing with my kids , and then I get to spend weekdays on my own looking after the kids whilst my OH works long hours and sees very little of his children during week .

Basically , I’ve put a stop to all this crap . Yes it’s hard , my second wouldn’t stop crying and I had to carry him in a sling in the house to get any work done ! But these moments pass . I promise .

Yes I will probably remember all this when my parents are older , but we can’t be bitter , and we don’t have to be like them .

An absolute lifesaver for me has been the mother’s and toddlers groups in the area where I have made friends , had somewhere for the kids to play and someone to make a cup of tea , listen to problems , and helpers to give me a hand and hold the baby when I need to go to the toilet

I really encourage you to try to go to the mothers and toddlers groups in your area, especially those in community halls / churches / other places of worship , they really do a lot to support young families and are a lifesaver for many mums like yourself .

Hang in there and speak to your health visitor about what’s other support you can access , tell your HV that you don’t have much support . Even if they step yo their visits to you , that will be something .

Chin up and keep going it will get easier x

You won’t know until you try. Just see if you can find some one for whatever time you decide. And an experienced nanny may have the knowledge on how to deal with your baby. In once sense it will be easier to have someone you are paying. You may not agree with your mother or in laws in terms of how they are with your baby but may feel uncomfortable saying something. That’s not the case with someone you employ.
Personally I don’t see what any of this has to do with you caring for them when they are older. They’re your parents and you do it because you love them, not as pay back for how they did or didn’t help you at one stage of your life.