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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel disappointed with mum re childcare

508 replies

RubyPurple · 29/07/2019 23:21

I have a really, really difficult baby. Essentially a high needs baby who cries most of the time and rarely content. My husband works in a high pressured job and is often travelling. I have friends whose mothers or MILs help out when they’re going through a difficult time with babies.

My mum and MIL have never really offered to help except for the week after my son was born. They are both SAHM themselves so no jobs but my my mum visits my elderly gran every day for an hour or two and my father in law has anxiety and is quite dependent on MIL so that’s why they say they can’t help. I felt like it was unreasonable to expect anything from anyone but today my health visitor saw how difficult my son was and said I really need someone to take him for a little bit during the weekdays as it’s too much for me to cope with every day (I’ve got PND and getting that sorted now). Our friends and siblings seem surprised that despite having both sets of parents near us we have such little support. I try to understand things from their point of view as they have their own issues and obligations but I do feel a little sad about it. If they each offered to come around for two or three hours during the week it would be so helpful. When I think that then sometimes I wonder if I’m being unreasonable to expect anything from them?

OP posts:
OwlBeThere · 30/07/2019 03:41

would it be nice if they did? yes. do i understand that you feel desperate? yes. but you can't expect people who already have a significant caring role already to want to do even more caring. i do get it my third child had severe reflux and did nothing but cry and vomit for the first year. and i had 2 older kids of 3 and 2 at the time, and a husband who was never home. i was exhausted and surrounded by family who wouldnt/couldn't help and i was resentful. but then i got her into nursery for a day a week and that helped massively.

Coyoacan · 30/07/2019 03:55

I think you need to get your baby properly checked out to find out why he or she is crying so much.

My dd was precocious in not wanting to be separated from me and, of course, my MIL wasn't keen on looking after a crying baby.

TeddybearBaby · 30/07/2019 04:04

I really feel for you op. I think that you need emotional support as well as physical support with your baby and you’re craving your mum or a mother figure to look after you too a little bit.

I’m wondering how old your baby is and if there have been any investigations into what is making him cry / fuss so much. Hate to think of him in pain.

I’d outright ask my mum / MIL tell them what the HV say and if they don’t want to help or feel like they can’t, I’d contact a charity or pay someone to help but for me it’d put a wedge in the relationship and would be something I wouldn’t forget.

My sister was on the verge of a breakdown recently and I went to her house every day. It wasn’t really ‘possible’ but I made it so because my priorities had to change for a while because she desperately needed me and that’s what family is for surely.

Maybe some counselling would be good for you as well x

PinkFlowerFairy · 30/07/2019 05:02

I am still bitter (i know doesnt help, but...) that when I waa really struggling with a baby that didn't sleep and a husband that worked away and tang my dad in desperarion (after reading mn threads that said I should ask direftly as no help offered) and he smugly told me "you chise to have a baby you deal with it." I later heard my mum had popped round so they were both there sat in the sun while I was wondering about calling social services for help. Apparently he was so proud of himself and quite indignant I should ask.

My mum has various issues and wasnt in a place to help and even now its more of a carees role I have towards her.

My kids are older and its still hurts. Looking back on that time I would absolutely recommend you get paid regular help if you can afford it (we couldnt). Just a friendly face when youre in the thick of it would mwan the world and a mental break from from doing it on your own.

Similarly I found some church baby and toddler groups would have people who would take the baby off me and Im still so grateful looking abck. I rememebr going monday to Friday basically attached to my baby and v aware others with partners at home/supportive family would have no idea what that's like.

PonderingPanda · 30/07/2019 05:10

As previous posts have asked, why is she crying so much?

Have you looked into cranial osteopathy?

floribunda18 · 30/07/2019 05:29

The MIL I kind of get not helping, but not DM. I've been in a position of caring for two generations at once but if push came to shove my DDs are my priority. I can't understand a mum not helping her DD out, at least for an hour or so.

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 30/07/2019 05:40

Is the baby “high needs” or is it that you expected it to be different? I can see why it might be hard to look after someone else’s child if you are already caring for your parent/partner, so perhaps you need to find someone who has time to give away?

floribunda18 · 30/07/2019 05:43

Also DH needs to help. So what if he's a city lawyer? I've been a city lawyer and a mum and the main breadwinner, I am well aware of the pressures and put my kids first. Why can't dads do the same?

lawnmowingsucks · 30/07/2019 05:47
  1. Ask DM and MIL if they can do 2 hours every fortnight. Explain that you need more than this but it's a start. Ask for a specific day each fortnight when you know they're not busy. If they say an outright no, then you know where you are
  1. Visit GP to try to work out if there is anything which can be done to help baby be calmer
  1. Get HV back and ask for recommendations for a part time nanny and any other recommendations which HV can provide
  1. Call Family Lives 0808 800 2222 and ask for advice
  1. Call NSPCC 0808 800 5000 and ask for advice
  1. Contact NCT 0300 330 0700 and ask for advice
  1. Ask your husband for support, not practical day to day support, but advice on how to move forward - eg having a word with his mother/sister/friends to try to get some help for you
  1. Consider seeing an osteopath for cranial osteopathy
  1. Consider seeing a homeopath who specialises in babies
ukgift2016 · 30/07/2019 05:58

I agree with the other poster who said "remember this when they need help"

They are not helping as you have a high need baby and they want to stay away.

stayathomer · 30/07/2019 06:01

I heard practically the same thing word for word from my friend. When she prodded further her mil admitted she was terrified she couldn't cope with a baby with high needs and said as she'd gotten older she just didn't think she had either the energy or ability for the child. Sit them down, corner them, whatever, but tell them you've no help and you just need a few hours and can they help.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 30/07/2019 06:01

Why is the baby difficult.

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 30/07/2019 06:07

How long have you been treating your PND? Do you feel that you are managing better, or do things still seem bleak?

Several posters have asked what is making the baby upset/have higher needs and I think this is fairly key to the advice needed. Do you have friends with babies the same sort of age?

SummerInTheVillage · 30/07/2019 06:08

I imagine your DM is exhausted caring for your DGM. I've been there. It's very unfair to expect her to take on even more caring responsibilities. Her mother needs her. Who would be with her while she is looking after your baby?

It sounds like both grandmothers have other caring responsibilities and are a bit scared of caring for such a high needs baby. Get a professional in. If only for a few weeks.

Good luck.

rosedream · 30/07/2019 06:10

There is nothing wrong with hiring a nanny.

Please do it. It will make you feel so much better which will have positive impact on the baby.

Don't set yourself up for more disappointment by talking to the grandparents.

Don't feel guilty about getting support. This is to benefit you and your baby.

MotherOfSoupDragons · 30/07/2019 06:13

"High needs". Aaaargh. Where did this awful term come from?

hellodarkness · 30/07/2019 06:22

"Sit them down, corner them, whatever, but tell them you've no help and you just need a few hours and can they help."

They have already said that they can't. OP is lucky in that she can afford paid help, so why not just do that rather than keep applying pressure to people who already have caring responsibilities and don't feel able to take on more?

OP, I think their comments about not using paid childcare could be translated as 'you should be able to cope.' Sadly there will be people thinking that they coped with a high needs baby as a single parent in a bedsit, five hours from the nearest family member. But it doesn't matter. You are struggling and have the financial means to make life easier for yourself, so I wouldn't hesitate. If you receive criticism from your DM that is what you say : I am seriously struggling and paid help is the only help available to me right now.

Chedfords · 30/07/2019 06:23

I used to think I had a difficult baby. Then he finally got diagnosed with a milk intolerance at four months and we weaned him onto Neocate and it’s like a different child.

Have you spoken to the HV about why your baby cries so much? How old is the LO? I’m sure there are people who will tell you, as they told me, “oh some babies just cry” but as my son’s doctor said to us it’s really not normal for them to cry that much after. certain point without it meaning they’re in pain.

Absolutely get the help you can. I managed to pay for night Nannies twice a week and a mother’s help a few hours a week and it literally kept me going. My DM lives hours away and has a very controlling husband so I knew I couldn’t reply on her for help.

Flowers for you. It really does get easier.

Thingsdogetbetter · 30/07/2019 06:26

Your husband needs to step up, high pressured job or not!! . He can't be travelling all the time? What's he doing to help? Surely he can do a day at the weekend to take the pressure off you?? Expecting grandparents to step up, but not the actual father is strange. If he can't help while working his 'high pressured job' then he needs to consider paternity leave or a sabbatical.

If he's failing to practically help and support you and the baby, the his high pressured job can pay over the odds for a weekend nanny who specialises in 'high needs' babies.

Topsecretidentity · 30/07/2019 06:29

Also DH needs to help. So what if he's a city lawyer? I've been a city lawyer and a mum and the main breadwinner, I am well aware of the pressures and put my kids first. Why can't dads do the same?

I was a city lawyer too but that's absolutely ridiculous to suggest that the only working parent puts their job at risk and their family's financial security at risk before they try other options (family help/ paid help). OP said her husband already helps as much as he can and works from home a lot these days to help but she's worried it's affecting his job.

OP someone upthread suggested bitching about MIL lack of involvement to DM and vice versa. Then ask them directly for help. If that doesn't spring them into action then I'm really sorry you haven't got the support you need. Paid help would be the way to go in those circumstances.

edgeofheaven · 30/07/2019 06:30

OP I’ve been there. DC1 cried all day every day until about 5 months old and had to be held constantly. PILs do not take care of DCs ever and FIL makes comments like “I did my time, don’t bother me” even though he was not a hands on parent in the slightest.

We have a nanny (both work and it’s affordable where we live) and they make negative comments about hiring in help. Meanwhile they don’t provide any!

So OP ignore your mum. If she’s not going to help and you can afford it then hire help. Maybe not even a nanny but a cleaner.

whiteroseredrose · 30/07/2019 06:32

Ha ha motherofsoupdragons I always think that too. When my DC were small it would have been a baby that cried a lot.

OP you don't say how old your parents and inlaws are. My DM could help a lot more with DS than she could with DD as she felt older and less energetic (I was 34 and 37 when I had mine).

Your DH shouldn't be off the hook just because of his work. He needs to adjust his priorities too. I would hand DS to my DH as he walked through the door. He'd have time to take his suit off if he was lucky! His day is clearly no more stressful than yours.

Topsecretidentity · 30/07/2019 06:34

What's he doing to help? Surely he can do a day at the weekend to take the pressure off you?? Expecting grandparents to step up, but not the actual father is strange

Urgh I wish people would just rtft. OP wants weekday help and said this several times in her OP. She has not mentioned the weekends our evening once. Regarding her husband helping he already works from home to try help. It sounds like OP is struggling in the week because of the combination of a high needs baby and PND which is understandable. I don't think this is on her husband... he could pay for help but OP has clearly said she's not comfortable with that idea.

ellesbellesxxx · 30/07/2019 06:36

Do you have home start in your area? If so, ask your HV to refer you! They have been invaluable to some of my twin mum friends with a volunteer each week x

hellodarkness · 30/07/2019 06:40

"What's he doing to help? Surely he can do a day at the weekend to take the pressure off you?? Expecting grandparents to step up, but not the actual father is strange."

OP has already said that her DH is 'great', despite working long hours. He has also made changes to his working week so that he can work from home more often (actually OP's words were 'too much').

Risking his job is a really stupid idea when there are other options.