To feel disappointed with mum re childcare

[RubyPurple]

I have a really, really difficult baby. Essentially a high needs baby who cries most of the time and rarely content. My husband works in a high pressured job and is often travelling. I have friends whose mothers or MILs help out when they’re going through a difficult time with babies.

My mum and MIL have never really offered to help except for the week after my son was born. They are both SAHM themselves so no jobs but my my mum visits my elderly gran every day for an hour or two and my father in law has anxiety and is quite dependent on MIL so that’s why they say they can’t help. I felt like it was unreasonable to expect anything from anyone but today my health visitor saw how difficult my son was and said I really need someone to take him for a little bit during the weekdays as it’s too much for me to cope with every day (I’ve got PND and getting that sorted now). Our friends and siblings seem surprised that despite having both sets of parents near us we have such little support. I try to understand things from their point of view as they have their own issues and obligations but I do feel a little sad about it. If they each offered to come around for two or three hours during the week it would be so helpful. When I think that then sometimes I wonder if I’m being unreasonable to expect anything from them?

I really feel for you. My parents were absolutely useless out of pure nastiness when my son was born. They were of the “well we had to manage” mentality. I had post natal depression which they had no sympathy for. Needless to say I’ve not had a relationship with them for 14 years. Pair of bastards!! Do you have any friends that could take your son, even if it was just for a long walk in his pram. I had a friend who’s daughter was very hard work and cried constantly for the first few months. Hang in there, it will get better. Wishing you well x

Is there any way your husband can scale back his work commitments in the short term i.e. less travel, so at least there is someone there to ease the pressure at the end of the day?

My dh has done this because he knows that I needed and still do need his support but I realise it isn't possible for everyone. Worth exploring, I think as Linsey mentioned in her post.

You poor thing OP. I would bloody well tell them that you will rember this when they are in a position where they need your help. Hells bells, I help my elderly unwell parents, babysit my GC and work four days a week.

Dont suffer. If you can afford it 100% get a nanny in.

You might be able to find a Childminder’s who does after school who would be happy to add a few more hours to their earnings to have him or a nanny who has school age children or works part time who would be happy for an extra few paid hours a day. Other than than go the whole hog and get a nanny full time if you are able.

Don’t wait for family to offer to help. I had very minimal help, if I can even call it that from my own mother, she appeared a few weeks after each child’s birth to have the obligatory granny photo taken and then promptly ignored them and us and visited a handful of times in a decade. Once in the early days of child2 I called once I was officially diagnosed with PND and her reply was “Been there, done that, got the T-shirt” when I put the phone down she rang back and left a message on my answerphone telling me never to be so rude to her again.
Funnily enough that was my last real contact with her as my mother.

So in the harsh reality of life you chose to have your family and now you and your dh are responsible for the upbringing. If he is unable to provide emotional and practical help as my DH was either incapable or unwilling to do then you need to throw some money at it.

Not just the childcare, your health too.

I got through by eating foods and drinks without sugar, caffeine or additives. It stopped the spike in stimulus that affected my mood and in turn mind.

I also had cranial osteopathy, later on discovered Reflexology which had been a god send and discovered meditation. If you are unable to get to a class try downloading Insight Timer mediation app and listen to it. It helps.

Above all give priority to you. There aren’t no prizes for battling through, equally there is no right to expect people to provide childcare in the family. Find the right care for you both and sort it long term for a happier you

• “Been there, done that, got the T-shirt” when I put the phone down she rang back and left a message on my answerphone telling me never to be so rude to her again. Funnily enough that was my last real contact with her as my mother. *

Slightly different context but I've had a similar experience to you Cherries. Wise post I think. Unfortunately, I tried to battle through and didn't watch my diet, it was difficult for me to think clearly with pnd, my self esteem wasn't great either at that time.

I love having my grandson but I do understand how some people might find it too much. Contact your local Homestart, that’s what they do, they support mothers who are struggling with children under 5. I used to volunteer with them and supported a family for just a few hours a week.

Have you spoken to Homestart? I’ve got a toddler and a young baby and find it very hard with no help or support from family or friends. My Homestart support worker is lovely and has offered to come and help me with things - she is so lovely. Really look forward to her coming.

Ive been a nanny and I prefer helping mums who need the support and time away rather than ones who Just don't want to be mum all day. Difficult babies are hard work.. You can't do it all day. Everyday. PND is so hard to come through if you don't get time to yourself. Get a nanny in and explain in no uncertain terms when they ask ” I have had to, Im becoming unwell. As I have no family help I have to pay a stranger to do it. Let that sink in for them.

Please get paid help OP. As soon as you can.

I had a similar sounding baby and similarly unhelpful family. I even told them I was very depressed and really struggling but because I wasn't in tears when they next saw me they thought I was ok and didn't do anything. DH wrote to his parents - he also became depressed (our DC didn't sleep either so we were both extremely sleep deprived) and they didn't even reply.

We tried dairy, egg, gluten, legume, nut and fish free diets (I was bf). Tried medication. Couldn't formula feed as he wouldn't go near a bottle. Nothing really helped. I became fearful of leaving the house as it was so hard, he hated car and buggy.

My depression got so bad I ended up with the crisis team and became suicidal by about 8 months PP.

Dont do what I did! Get help now.

Eventually I got a lovely lady 3 hours a day twice a week to help me. She'd take him for walks. Things naturally improved by 11 months and then again by 15 months.

Honestly, perhaps they dont realise. Perhaps MIL doesn;t want to interfere?? Just ask them, they actually may not think you need help and are managing fine because you dont look like you need help

I've been in your position. My in laws are very helpful and my parents were less hands on and I was desperate for help. I eventually realised my parents did not owe me anything and it helped me in the end. I realised I was doing too much with my dc , I've got twins and slowed down. I realised it was within my control to feel happy and I was able to do this on my own. Don't get me wrong I really value my in laws help and I get so much more done but it's an added bonus and I don't NEED their help. It's nice but I am totally capable on my own.
Are you putting too much pressure on yourself? What are you finding difficult? I really hope it gets easier for you and I'm sure you'll find a way.

My eldest was a very difficult baby and I did suffer from post natal depression too.
I did learn a lot of helpful stuff in time for my second.
Have you heard of a vibrating rocker?
Background music (on a mobile, make sure its a song you hate)
Baby bath bedtime stuff and stick to a routine so baby starts to settle sooner. I hope this helps, I have been there so I honesty feel your pain.
As someone else says, remember your parents and in laws lack of help for when they need help

OP I completely understand, we had no help and I had a terrible time with our second and had bad PND.
Try the charity bluebell. They provided amazing counselling. I’d also recommend trying a few more slings or buckle carriers just so that you can get moving about. If you put LO in a sling can you at least get 20 mins walk outside?
Get paid help if you can, is there any word from your mum after what your gran said?
It’s hard to accept when family are rubbish but don’t waste your tears on that and move on and up with practical solutions that will work for your own little family...

YABU. There is no law that grandparents must support their struggling children. Whilst my DM and DMIL loved their grandchildren unconditionally (they were both sadly taken from us very suddenly) they weren't expected to help with childcare. Never once did we feel either of them needed to support us. We're grown ups, we can manage childcare.

@Alexapourmeadrink really? Well done you, top marks. But for the majority of us, we need help from time to time for various reasons. We are humans, not machines

@Alexapourmeadrink - and did you have a high needs baby?

I have to say I had no support (my mother was dead and the only MIL was in no state to help, and SIL did a good talk but was pretty useless and busy with her own family).

But if my Mother had been around - and I had been desperate and she hadn't of offered or helped when I begged - then I would have felt pretty unloved.
I would do everything in my power to help my DDs if they needed/asked for it. (And my DIL if my son ever marries).

Ignore all the people playing top trumps. Of course you are struggling. There will always be someone in the world worse off but that doesn’t mean you have to feel grateful and not struggle.

Book whatever paid help you need. Tell your parents straight when they say anything that I asked you specifically for help for 2 hours a week and you said no. Gran said she would have less visits for you to help and you still said no.

I haven’t read all of the thread but you do absolutely need to get some help so you can look after yourself. There is no doubt a spectrum of babies. I’ve been lucky to have easy babies. I would say though most of the harder babies I’ve known have had reflux ans allergies so worth checking (sorry if already covered in the rest of the thread).

You must explain what you are going through just the way youve explained here
This is funny though when someone posts that they have a parent or in laws that always want to be around the child .responses are they are overstepping the boundaries.If I read this forum I would not really know what to do .Go over to gransnet see the confusion thats felt by grandparents.
There is nothing like having a child who cries constantly. There is normally a reason I hope you find out what this is.Please get some paid support
Your mother is a carer as well as your in law although that shouldnt stop them from supporting you.
From what you say they arent bad people please dont let the thought of revenge in the future grow in you .as this is some of the advice given here.
I wish I could offer my help but im with a still demanding nonverbal child 9 years but more demanding than whilst a baby.
Im very sure some mumnetters will pm you to offer help.
This was how i got advice in the early days but was very blessed as my mother always flew in from her country of residence to support. Its a cultural thing but it was so helpful and I will always remain eternally grateful to both of my parents.
I can only hope that you tell the mothers exactly how you feel and how they could help.
Get paid support.
Dont feel guilty asking your husband to help its a shared responsibility.
You must talk to your doc ,Hv,lots of good suggestions have been given you must reach out pick up the phone and ask for support.
Do take care of yourself.

Also take up the offer of any MNers who said they’ll come and meet you for a coffee and hold the baby and have a chat with you. There are nice people out there

@mollybutton yes I have two children with global developmental delay, ASD, PTSD and ADHD. I adopted them knowing this and organised childcare (not often, they have attachment disorder) that didn’t put pressure on my older members of the family.

It can be done. Not everybody has the luxury of fit and well parents who can help out. I’m not judging but as a parent you have to be able to ensure you have a support system that will work. It’s bloody hard work and we’ve been through quite a few support carers that couldn’t cope.

@deniseroyal thank you, I do my best. I struggle but I cope.

Hi OP

My beautiful son was very fussy, cried a lot, wanted to be held etcc... I was told to use controlled crying... I did and still feel guilt 13 years later.

He is now growing into a wonderful young man. He is sensitive and loving (and feisty!), everything I could have wished for.

Hold on tight my darling. Your boy will be just fine.

Lots of love x

My eldest was exactly the same, at the age of three she was finally diagnosed as lactose intolerant. The thing that really worked for us was baby massage, we thought she had reflux at the time as that's what she was diagnosed with as a baby. I think that is just the go to diagnosis for a baby and other things are missed. If you learn proper baby massage then there are moves you can do to pop the gas bubbles in the baby's intestines and relieve the pain. Baby's don't cry for fun, they have an unmet need, definitely don't just dismiss it as 'high needs baby'. Finding out what the need is is tough, but far less tough then the constant screaming. Good luck, xx