To feel disappointed with mum re childcare

[RubyPurple]

I have a really, really difficult baby. Essentially a high needs baby who cries most of the time and rarely content. My husband works in a high pressured job and is often travelling. I have friends whose mothers or MILs help out when they’re going through a difficult time with babies.

My mum and MIL have never really offered to help except for the week after my son was born. They are both SAHM themselves so no jobs but my my mum visits my elderly gran every day for an hour or two and my father in law has anxiety and is quite dependent on MIL so that’s why they say they can’t help. I felt like it was unreasonable to expect anything from anyone but today my health visitor saw how difficult my son was and said I really need someone to take him for a little bit during the weekdays as it’s too much for me to cope with every day (I’ve got PND and getting that sorted now). Our friends and siblings seem surprised that despite having both sets of parents near us we have such little support. I try to understand things from their point of view as they have their own issues and obligations but I do feel a little sad about it. If they each offered to come around for two or three hours during the week it would be so helpful. When I think that then sometimes I wonder if I’m being unreasonable to expect anything from them?

I can't believe your dh hasn't suggested getting help in before now. He sees first hand how you struggle every day yet still works long hours and goes away and leaves you to it. Please tell me he gives you time away from your baby at weekends?
Does the baby have medical needs or something that needs a diagnosis? Not sure what high needs means. Some babies cry a lot and also pick up if the main carer is tense so bit of a vicious circle. That's why it's important your dh steps in at those wailing 'I can't DO it any more' moments (I've been there). Maybe your parents don't feel able to cope with the baby themselves if they see that you can't. I'm sure they are worried about you though. Has your dh asked his own mother about helping out? He might be able to approach it differently. Don't get fixated on not getting help from the grandparents though.
You are lucky in that you can afford to get someone in to help and whose hours you can rely on. This is much better than having to worry about asking relatives.

No-one ever helped with our DC either. PIL were an hour away and we didn't see my DM who lived fifteen minutes away from one month to the next. She really just wasn't into childcare and didn't want to be tied. I was that desperate for a break they went to nursery at four and five months respectively and I went back to work. It saved me tbh. Even by the teen years, they'd never ever had a sleepover.
FWIW you don't have DC in the expectation they'll care for you in your old age. That's what you save for.

Sorry, misread the op. I thought dh was working from home and couldn't be disturbed and she was having to keep the baby quiet, not that he was at home to help her out.

How would the husband taking sometime off work, be risking his job.

OP your mother is caring for her mother. Your mil has a husband with mental health problems.

The 'well I wont care for them when they are older is ridiculous'. If we care for our parents because they have 'earned' it, then they would have earned it by raising you and your husband surely.

If your dh really cant take some annual leave or parental leave to help out and take some pressure off for a few weeks, then you need paid help. Its sounds like you want more regular ongoing help from them. When they already have stuff going on, that may mot be possible, given the commitments they already have. And is your father around?

But the HV shouldnt be telling you, your mother and mil need to help you more. She may feel you need some help, but her or anyone else doesnt have a right to tell you where that help should come from.

You need to get to the bottom of why, the baby is so unhappy.

They sound like they are looking after their own interests .

I think people are being really unfair to the grandparents. They both have caring responsibilities- they're hardly going out to a spa every day. It might just to too difficult for them right now to care for a high needs baby when they spend so much of their time caring for others.

Before you had your baby how much help did you offer them both?

You can afford extra help so why not pay for it? Your husband can also be a parent when he's not at work.

I'm sorry to hear that you're having such a hard time, OP.

Second what others have said - absolutely go/go back to the GP and push for some investigations. I'd be amazed if reflux or similar is not at play here.

We have two DC and the main advice I give to any new parents is that paid childcare is your friend. Mine have been to a wonderful caring nursery. Friends have lovely nannies, mothers helps and au pairs. Sitters.co.uk is brilliant. Strangers at first but good and caring people who play an important role. My mum has also been critical of us using childcare while doing little to help herself. And every hour of help comes with emotional baggage, veiled criticism and unsolicited advice. Please get a nanny or similar, you'll be so glad you did.

Why doesn’t your husband change his job / hours to do more for his own child? Please don’t say that he can’t - it’s the LAW in the Uk that employers have to consider request for part time or flexible working from parents of young children. Many many mothers do this.

I don’t see why your Mother or MIL are expected to disrupt their lives to help you care for your child when your own husband won’t do anything to change his . He is the one who chose to have this baby, not them.

Having kids disrupts the rest of your life and your husband needs to grow up and deal with this.

Op my first baby was exactly the same and no offers of help from either side of the family. But after 2 months of constantly screaming and GP brushing it off I insisted on a referral to a paediatrician who diagnoaed reflux. Baby on meds which worked almost instantaneously and a much different baby on my hands. Ill never forget ua getting a few hours of sleep. We were all exhausted.
Your baby isnt constantly crying for nothing. Id suspect reflux. Try to keep him upright in a bouncy chair or swing and insist on getting him reviewed medically. As for your family, in my situation i just had to accept that the support wasnt forthcoming

Have you asked very specifically? “Mum- please could you come and look after X. from 2-4 on Wednesday?”

“mil, if I bring X to your house on Friday, could you look after him between 10 and 12?”

If you’ve just hinted they may feel daunted at the idea of whole days.

I think you are minimising that both your DM and DMIL have caring responsibilities of their own, it really isn’t easy to care for elderly relatives and it’s not just ‘popping in’ for an hour or so a day, it is a huge worry to look after an elderly parent.

As your DH is a city lawyer I echo other suggestions that you should try and find some paid help, or ask around locally about Home Start etc.

You mother and MIL are being unreasonable but you can’t make them help.

What are you doing to address the cause of your baby’s crying? Have you ruled our illness or allergy? So often it turns out to be a dairy allergy.

Yes it is a bit shit - I would be storing it up for when they need help.

I think you need to sort out why he is 'high needs' what do you mean by this? All babies need an awful lot of attention - had he got reflux or something? You need to be working with your HV and GP to sort this out - how old is he?

I think it's an absolute bloody cheek that your DM and DMIL refuse to help but then say he shouldn't be looked after by a stranger! How do people hold their tongues in this situation?! OP put him in nursery a couple of mornings a week. My DS went from
6 months. He's now nearly 5 and starting school Sept. It's never done him any harm - he's sociable and loving. If they say anything say 'well clearly no one else is going to help me!'

I feel so sorry for you OP. I had a severe refluxer (until he was 5 years old!) And the first 6 months had no support and a DH who worked long hours.

Definitely get in a babysitter for an hour or two. I didn't, i just struggled on and it affected me for years. Just explain to the baby sitter that baby will cry and scream and you wont hold it against her.

I second the idea of being checked for reflux. Maybe silent reflux if theres not much sick.

OP it isn't right for a baby to be that difficult. There must be a reason why they are constantly screaming, and you need to be investigating that instead of focusing on your Mum/MIL. Being honest, they may not want to help if your baby is screaming non stop..........

My granddaughter was a really miserable baby.... and DD was pulling her hair out by the time she was 12 weeks. DD had to really push for a paed referral and poor baby was diagnosed with reflux. A few weeks on meds and DD changing her diet made a massive difference.

“Yes it is a bit shit - I would be storing it up for when they need help.”

So in order to be worthy of help in old age you have to look after two generations- or in the case of the OP’s mother, 3?

Erm yes.

They can see their DD/DIL struggling with PND and they won't even sit with her for an hour?

Aw Op I totally get where you are coming from on this.
I felt exactly the same. I knew that my MIl would be about as much use as a chocolate fire guard but did expect my mum to help us more. She literally did zero and would walk in my house when little one was crying and say "ooo is someone tired" or "oooo someone is hungry" sit on the sofa and wait for me to make her a cup of tea. What I really wanted to say to her was "no she's not tired mum, she's just being a turd today" but never felt comfortable doing so as felt she was constantly judging. Like she came to watch! Never even took her for a walk so I could get things done like housework or just have ten mins.
I was so angry and resentful for a lot of years and actually due to this "abandonment" and other issues with our relationship I ended up having therapy.
One of my biggest learnings from that was that ultimately it's her losing out. My kids, I now have two daughters and she was exactly the same with my second, don't know any different and actually it's mum that doesn't have as strong of a relationship with them - and that's her fault not anyone else's.
So just wanted to say feel everything that you want to feel, but at some point let it go and it will do wonders for your independence and confidence. Don't let the resentment eat in to you.
I'm sorry that your little one is being hard work. It will get easier I promise x

Yes it is a bit shit - I would be storing it up for when they need help.

So the mother and mil cant have help, even though they brought the OP and her husband up and are now caring for other relatives.

If caring for someone in old age, is something you do when its earned. They earned it.

OP hadnt asked them to look after the baby for an hour.

I also think you don't need the stress of keeping your baby quiet so your husband can work. Can't he go to the office?

I had two very demanding babies who suffered from colic and other issues that meant they cried all the time, woke up every few hours for many months, fretted all the time. It was hell! My then partner worked 2 hours away in a demanding job so was t around during the week to help and was totally knackered at night. He helped during the weekend, but it never felt enough.

I had no help at all. My parents lived too far away and my PIL worked and didn't really get how desperate I was. I didn't dare to ask. They joined me taking them out or would come over but never took over.

It is a hard time but it gets better. I used to feel so jealous of mums with easy baby, it would consume all my emotions, but when they became toddlers, my children were so much easier and then again when they started school. Very few children are easy all the way through independence.

Hold on and you'll be OK.

Some babies just cry a lot dd1 did from about 3 months just cried and cried from late afternoon and most of the night. It nearly broke us tbh.

Bless you op i don’t think mothers were intended to deal with this alone in the olden days you would have had family support.

Would recommend going to lots of groups until you find one that fits. My bands of like minded women going through the same shit got me through and you can make friends for life,

To the posters saying it’s not right for the baby to be that difficult - you really have to stop. Some babies just are difficult and it’s not the mothers fault for being unable to ‘fix’ the problem.

OP I’m sorry you’re not being well supported, all round. Your DH needs to help you get paid help - you clearly cannot rely on family. I had PND and no family around, it’s very tough on your own.

Oh and this will pass. You think it won’t but it will.

Exactly black. I went to 3 different gps in my desperation. The best was a mother of 4 herself her response was bad luck some babies just cry. Second was dead easy barely cried at all so don’t think it was me.

I actually think that hv's often just say get in help because it's easier than trying to give you advice on how to settle your baby and cope better. My first was incredibly difficult (didn't realise how hard until I had my second!) and it turned out she was autistic though of course you don't know as an infant. I had no help (lived overseas, no spare money) and a husband who worked 12 hour days and often 7 days a week, it's very tough! But I found two things really helped, one was going out to a parenting group, it was free but run by a facilitator, the other was getting out our tiny flat, even though she hated the pushchair rear facing we discovered that once we turned it round and made it almost upright she loved watching the world, so I walked for hours. Every kid is different but getting out I found was key to my problems too, I was in a pretty dark place at one point