To feel disappointed with mum re childcare

[RubyPurple]

I have a really, really difficult baby. Essentially a high needs baby who cries most of the time and rarely content. My husband works in a high pressured job and is often travelling. I have friends whose mothers or MILs help out when they’re going through a difficult time with babies.

My mum and MIL have never really offered to help except for the week after my son was born. They are both SAHM themselves so no jobs but my my mum visits my elderly gran every day for an hour or two and my father in law has anxiety and is quite dependent on MIL so that’s why they say they can’t help. I felt like it was unreasonable to expect anything from anyone but today my health visitor saw how difficult my son was and said I really need someone to take him for a little bit during the weekdays as it’s too much for me to cope with every day (I’ve got PND and getting that sorted now). Our friends and siblings seem surprised that despite having both sets of parents near us we have such little support. I try to understand things from their point of view as they have their own issues and obligations but I do feel a little sad about it. If they each offered to come around for two or three hours during the week it would be so helpful. When I think that then sometimes I wonder if I’m being unreasonable to expect anything from them?

If you can afford it you should definately get a mothers help or nanny, even a child minder for a couple of sessions a week. Don't hesitate.

It's selfish of them but I think it's due to the fact baby has high needs. I would pay for help and not ask them again. It's hurtful though.

Right, flip it on its head.

Why would a paid childcare professional (aka 'a stranger') want to look after your DC?
Because it is a profession/career/job they love - they want to look after DC. And because lots of professionals are great at what they do, and have tons of experience, and so may find that they are really good with high-needs babies and can make a real difference to families' lives, and so it gives them great job satisfaction.

Why would letting your reluctant family look after your DS be better than that? Because they are your family and not 'a stranger'? No.

OP, see if you can advertise for a mother's help. Someone to come in for a few hours a few days a week, to do what a grandparent or older relative might do - walk the baby to the park, rock them to sleep in the garden while you have a nap yourself, help out with a bit of light housework and provide moral support to you.

Everyone is a stranger to begin with.

Can your dad or partner not do it?

I do think it's a shame your mum and MIL aren't more forthcoming but it sounds like they have their own caring responsibilities already, it would be better to have someone who isn't already worn down by that sort of responsibility take on some regular care to relieve you.

I think paid help might be a really good idea, especially if he's high maintenance. As NoSquirrels says people who go into care work do often love it and develop all sorts of techniques through their wide-ranging experience.

You have said they are both stay at home mums so they have children thems elves to care for plus their other caring responsibilities. Sounds like they both could do with support themselves. Maybe if you helped them they would help you.

Your mum is getting in your head, OP. She’s very defeatist and doesn’t seem to understand the motivation for someone whose chosen to make childcare their career.

There will be a nanny/ childminder out there who will gladly accept the work in exchange for payment and feeling some reward for helping a family find their feet.

Don't worry about finding a long term nanny, or worry that a nanny will leave. You just need a bit of help now - and if you find the right person it may turn long term but at this point you don't need to worry about long term, just the next few weeks.

It really does get easier xo

@NoSquirrels has a great point. Don't sit around waiting any longer for someone to offer to help. Contact your HV and ask for advice on getting the help she suggested. She may have recommendations of mother's help/nannies. Also what steps, if any, are being taken by gp/HV to help with baby? Has he been referred to a paediatrician? Its tough but at this point I think you need to discount the grandparents as support and you and Dh need to be proactive in finding an alternative.

I think YABU to expect regular help from them, given that your mum is caring for her own mother on a daily basis, and your MIL is coping with a husband suffering from a mental health issue that makes him dependent on her.

Honestly, it sounds like they've got their own problems to deal with.

Before you had your baby, did you give your mum a break from her caring responsibilities, or help your MIL with her anxious husband?

I don't think it is fair of the HV or your friends to suggest that your DM and MIL should be helping you in these circumstances. I do think that your dh needs to be more supportive, and I do think that you should consider paid help if you can afford it.

It sounds like you are having a tough time and I'm not doubting or belittling that, but resenting them, when they are quite possibly already giving as much as they can in other directions, isn't fair imo.

This may be completely off track, I read an article today about a lady with a very demanding baby that wouldn't settle unless she was holding him. She invented a reverse bouncer seat as it turns out he had a reflux that was hard to diagnose. This absolutely changed him. If this isn't your problem please ignore. Hope it gets better and i think if your family won't help a few hours of paid childcare won't hurt

Sorry I think YABU - its not as if they haven't got a lot to cope with anyway. I do agree with posters who said to ask them directly but you've got to be prepared for a no. It may be easier to ask them for specific reasons rather than make it a regular commitment.
You also seem to let your husband off the hook very easily- what does he do?
TBH though I would probably try and find professional childcare- an experienced nanny would be able to cope with a high needs baby and maybe would help them become less high needs

@TriciaH87 - sounds like a good idea. Or ask if MIL could babysit baby for an hour either at yours or at hers (perhaps FIL may like small doses do baby?)

It doesn’t sound like they are selfish as they are also helping other people out - not doing things for themselves. Perhaps just ask both for small bits of help?

"Remember this when they need help."

That's mean. They raised their own children, and are now looking after elderly parents and sick husbands.

To be truthful, I would not like to mind a crying screaming baby, you need to pay a nanny, this type of care needs payment.

Some people are unbelievable. If that was my son and DIL I'd be over to help everyday. How can you watch your child struggle and do nothing?

DM and MIL are not obligated to help. Just as you are not obligated to help them!

However, they have no right to tell you not to use a nanny. A high needs baby will not put a nanny off at all. Remember that they know all about looking after babies. There is every chance that a good nanny will know exactly what to do with your baby.

Also, I cannot help but feel that when they say DS should not be looked after by 'strangers', they are, in fact, planting a seed in your mind. Because they do not want to be looked after by strangers in their old age. Do not germinate this seed.

“You also seem to let your husband off the hook very easily- what does he do?”

I thought this too.

Op it would be great if they could help out but it sounds like with having to deal with elderly parents and ill husbands they have a lot going on, plus the fact if your child is high needs they might feel it is too much for them.

Instead of worrying about this anymore, put it aside and look into getting professional help. You definitely deserve a break. Also with professional help it will be on your terms which is a much better thing for everyone. You pick the hours that suit you/go by your rules etc. Paying is worth not having these arguments as it will only lead to more stress.

Take care x

My baby was the same and without my mum coming over for respite several hours a week I'm quite certain I would have been sectioned. She was so bad in the car whenever I drove anywhere that I fantasized about smashing my car into a wall everyone I got in it. I drove recklessly on purpose.

It was an awful 7 or so months of my life and you have my utmost sympathy. Please get paid help if family aren't willing to help. I regret not asking for more help if I'm honest. My relationship with my daughter is still not good as a result of my struggles with her.

it’s understandable that you are disappointed. My mother has visited me 3 x for a week since my 8 month old was born (we have no family support where we live). She acts like she’s in a hotel. I ask for specific things and she barely helps out. Waits for us to offer to make a coffee, offer a wine. Never occurs her to return the favour. Watches me eat cheese on toast for lunch because I’m too exhausted to do anything else (my daughter wakes every 2 hours throughout the night-has done for the past months). She watches her iPad more than interacts with my baby.
I think some parents and inlaws are super helpful and take initiative to support you. Your unlucky in that regard. But not alone. Please keep being proactive with your PND, it’s so good you are seeking help. Find a nanny (surely there are many out their that specialise in high needs babies! They will probably have some great advice for you too). How terrible of your parents to suggest no professional would stick around to take care of your baby! That’s why they get paid. Be upfront about it when you contact candidates and you will find the right one for you. They are only a stranger at the beginning! Good luck! Sending you a big hug!

Ask your HV if there are charities that can help, one local to us has volunteers who will come and play with your baby a few hours a week so you can get a break, here it is called homestart.
If your partner isn't giving you a break when they are off work this needs to start now.

I don't think it's fair to minimise the role your DM and MIL are playing in caring for others. Anyone dealing with an ill parent or partner know how stressful this can be. There really is only so much to go around. It just sucks that your needs are high at this particular point in time. Not your fault at all and I totally sympathise but surely you can understand that you are looking at this with your own issues at the forefront.
I also think the 'wait until they need help' stance is nasty and unnecesssary. What kind of person waits until their loved on is in dire need for the opportunity for 'payback'. Gross.
OP, how is your husband helping you here? What is he doing to ensure you have the help and support you need?

You should absolutely have help and I think that in your case it will need to be paid help. Please look into it, it would be a Godsend and both you AND your baby deserve it. Don't go the passive aggressive rubbish that has been suggested. Don't wait for offers that aren't coming. Arrange the help you need and you take care of you!

@hellodarkness I agree with your post entirely.

OP, it is unreasonable to expect weekly help from family, they are entitled to their own life and to be fair they both are doing a lot for others as it is.

In your case as your child is of high needs, it may actually be better for you to hire help, if you search well enough you may even be able to find someone who has experience with children similar to your little one. Furthermore, hired help will be consistent and you won't have to worry whether or not the person will be able to help this week or not as you will have a schedule.

Speak to your husband about this and begin the search for someone to come in twice a week for a couple of hours just to help you out and give you a break. There is nothing wrong with this.

Furthermore, don't resent your parent's or in-laws, it could simply also be that they would find it hard to manage with your child, but do not know how to tell you. However, once things are set in place and you get the help you need you can work on a better relationship with them. But for now, focus on getting yourself better - you are the priority.

Your HV has crossed a line and should not have made such a suggestion, it is not her place.

Also, when your husband is at home, ensure he understands how you are struggling so that he can take more of an active role in his child's life.

I wish you the best, please do look for the right help.

Sorry you’re struggling so much. First I assume reflux and other issues have been investigated because it’s not normal for a baby who is comfortable to scream and cry literally all day.

Secondly you need to organise some paid childcare. Please don’t start using the same offensive language that your mother is- ie that you don’t want ‘strangers’ looking after your child. No one hands their precious baby over to a stranger... you meet with a range of childcare professionals, make a choice and then build up time with them with the child before leaving them. Your baby may be quite small but that actually makes it easier to leave them from
The point of view of their emotional needs - they will have no separation anxiety.
I was back at work when my dc1 was 12 weeks so it’s perfectly possible (and I continued bf) and honestly no good professional childcare worker will throw in the towel because the baby is difficult - it’s their job! You may even find your child becomes more settled with someone else - NO reflection on you at all, it’s just how some babies are. You’re stressed and quite low and your child may sense your unhappiness (I honestly don’t mean this In any negative way, just saying that children pick up on things) and to break this awful cycle it may be good to have regular care from a professional for a few hours several times a week.

My husband is great but he’s working from home too much and taking calls with a screaming baby. I don’t want this to effect his job. I’m already worried that I will not be able to go back to work because this baby is so difficult. I need him to stay focused on his work. He works long hours every day as he’s a City lawyer.