To feel disappointed with mum re childcare

[RubyPurple]

I have a really, really difficult baby. Essentially a high needs baby who cries most of the time and rarely content. My husband works in a high pressured job and is often travelling. I have friends whose mothers or MILs help out when they’re going through a difficult time with babies.

My mum and MIL have never really offered to help except for the week after my son was born. They are both SAHM themselves so no jobs but my my mum visits my elderly gran every day for an hour or two and my father in law has anxiety and is quite dependent on MIL so that’s why they say they can’t help. I felt like it was unreasonable to expect anything from anyone but today my health visitor saw how difficult my son was and said I really need someone to take him for a little bit during the weekdays as it’s too much for me to cope with every day (I’ve got PND and getting that sorted now). Our friends and siblings seem surprised that despite having both sets of parents near us we have such little support. I try to understand things from their point of view as they have their own issues and obligations but I do feel a little sad about it. If they each offered to come around for two or three hours during the week it would be so helpful. When I think that then sometimes I wonder if I’m being unreasonable to expect anything from them?

It is unfortunate for you but I can see why they feel unable to help. I was in similar situation with tricky toddler and baby with health issues. Part time nanny was the only way xx

you deserve support and I’m sure this is hurtful. But know ur not alone.

Hi OP,
Does your baby have a recognised condition? Have you pushed for investigations? Only anecdotal but a friends baby who cried a lot and wouldn't sleep had a dairy allergy. I'm not suggesting you self diagnose or make any changes to your baby's care but go to your GP/health visitor looking for answers. It's usual for babies to cry when they have needs to be met or to just be fractious or grumpy at times but not to cry so much that you think you won't be able to use a nursery. Try to find out what's going on.

You should absolutely use child care to help you. Good child care is no more "leaving them with a stranger" than school is. The most important thing is that you are well and rested in order to meet your baby's needs and to be well and rested in your case you need childcare. It's a no brainer.

Your HV has not helped at all and been quite unprofessional in saying you ‘should’ have help several times a week. Some people genuinely cannot afford childcare and have no family around able or willing to help.

You can afford some professional care right now which will give you respite, and you can afford childcare to return to work, so you’re in a relatively fortunate position. I can’t emphasise that you need to do this. Get someone in several times a week and you will start to feel better just through getting more rest and a break from a screaming child. In the longer term i would definitely return to work- tbh returning to work even as soon as I had to when ML was only 3 months long - was the best thing for my mental well being. Even with a less difficult baby it can be quite isolating and repetitive at home, and for you it’s hard with your dh working long hours and away a lot.

Don’t dwell on the lack of family help, just go ahead and organise some professional help

Is there any chance of a 'swaps'? Could you sit with gran a few hours and your mum watch the baby? Can you keep an eye on FiL for a few hours and MiL watch the baby I realize you'd be swapping one 'care-taking' for another, but sometimes just the change of scene can do the trick. Obvs if Gran or FiL are 'difficult' then that may not be a good idea.

Listen, there's nothing wrong with paid childcare! Better your baby spend a few hours with a calm professional than to have a mummy who is not coping well.

BTW, have your & baby seen a paediatrician to rule out any possible physical cause for his distress? Not a GP, a paediatrician.

I second the option of getting an au pair. Or putting the child in nursery few hours twice or thrice a week.

It’s ok, it might work out better than family support.

But YANBU to feel let down.

"They both offered their excuses voluntarily without me asking “Oh if I wasn’t so busy with gran/my husband I would have been helping you out."
But they aren't excuses are they? Your DM is helping out at your Gran's every day and your MIL is taking care of FIL with his problems. Don't underestimate the effect looking after others will be having on your DM & MIL.

CJsGoldfish's post at 00:37:32 is excellent - compassionate on all fronts.

OP, I'm not completely sure what you mean by high needs. Sorry if I've missed this, but how old is your DS? Do you think there is also an element of your Mil and DM thinking that they wouldn't be able to manage themselves?

It’s good that your husband is a City lawyer. You can afford to get paid help. Do that. You are struggling but it isn’t reasonable to think your problems are bigger than everyone else’s. It’s great when family members can help each other out but sometimes people don’t feel able to do so and that needs to be accepted with reasonably good grace.

I get a strong sense that nowadays people are much more willing to refuse to get involved with elder care because they feel it is too much of a commitment on top of their other commitments but refusing to help younger, fitter family with childcare for the same reason has become almost completely socially unacceptable. If you have one working eye and one working leg, make yourself available for regular childcare or you are a bad grandmother, it seems. Note that it is usually the women who are considered to have fallen short. Mother, MIL, sisters, sisters-in law. Not usually fathers and brothers.

Get in a professional to look after you and baby. If you have pnd baby might not actually be high needs but you need to break this cycle. I had a high needs baby with reflex that cried 24 hours a day for the first 6 months. He is now a very lovely 7 year old but it was a struggle to deal with every day without pnd

My eldest daughter was horrendous as a baby and while it's such a short period of time that they are like that (relatively speaking) it doesn't feel that way while you're living it. Go ahead and get some paid help. In one, two, three years time you'll have the perspective to realise it really didn't matter that the person was a "stranger" when you met them. What mattered was that you were happier and the baby was well looked after. And going back to work was the right thing for your mental health.

I returned to work (part-time) when DD was 11 months; she went to nursery three days a week. The settling in was difficult but after a few weeks she was thriving (honestly - she'd speed-toddle to the door of the baby room when she realised where we were). Going to work was like a holiday for me! Coffee and loo breaks whenever I wanted Please don't feel trapped. You'll get through it.

I agree entirely that you would be better getting in some paid help.
I can't see that you've said how old your baby is, but sounds like he's still very little - there are nannies that come in to help mothers after birth and stay as long as they're needed. You just need to find the right agencies to call and ask. Some will stay overnight if needed, others won't - depending on how far they have to travel.

You need to consider that, as professionals, they have far more experience and resources than you or your mother/MIL; they will have worked with "difficult" babies before and may have more ideas how to help him.

Please do this, as you need the help to sort the PND out as well. And if your HV/GP haven't yet investigated it, they need to look at whether or not he has "silent reflux".

I dont see where either DM or DMIL could make the time to be taking care of your DC. Being a carer is hard work. As a carer you also have the emotional bit of seeing your loved ones getting more ill and your caring role increasing.
On the assumption that your DGP were already old when your baby was conceived you would have known that DM would be very involved. You dont say when DFIL started his anxiety but that too may have been apparent at the time of the baby being conceived/born. You also said that both DM and DMIL are SAHM which makes it sound like they still have young ones at home. It might also be that DM and DMIL are around menopausal age. That is another high emotion time. They sound like they are coping with a lot and are maybe feeling exhausted. You cant expect people to literally kill themselves to care for everyone here. How much did you help with DFIL and DGM before the baby was born?
DH needs to help you more. The baby is his too. Did DH only start working long hours after the baby was born? If not, that would mean that you knew he would not be around much.
It is hard with a baby who cries a lot. I used a baby carrier when mine cried. I hoovered and did housework with them strapped to my front. It helped but was not great. I think you should see a Dr to make sure that baby does not have any health or comfort problems.

When my first set of twins were little, I had a Home Start volunteer - she was invaluable once a week! Could you ask your HV to refer you to HomeStart? Or I believe you can refer yourself... My inlaws were useless (lived mainly in France at the time) and my own parents even less practical use - they lived in Cornwall, miles away from us. My mum made a big thing of offering to come and hep out when my second set of twins were due - I said thank you very much - she was texting a couple of days beforehand to ask did we still need her, and eventually went home early, the morning after I'd ben discharged because she had a "cold". Funnily enough, now they are old and getting a bit frail, they have moved (uninvited) to the town we live in - hundreds of miles away from Cornwall. Do I feel any obligation to see them? Er - no.... Will I feel any obligation to look after them, ever. NO!

I really feel for you OP

Could you ask your mum explicitly to help one day? Say "pease just come for an hour today, I'm really struggling"...
Do you think she'll say no to this too?

I have recently had a baby and really struggled. My DM would help but only when I called her in desperation..I never had an offer from her. And I wouldn't hear from her unless I called. As hard as it was I have just forced myself to call and asked for help because I've needed it.

When my DC have children I swear I'm going to be so helpful! I can't understand why you wouldn't?

It must be really disappointing for you that your family won't step up when you really need them. However getting help from a nanny could be far better than you think. In my experience nannies have seen it all before and generally have really good strategies for getting baby more settled. I definitely would go for a qualified, more experienced nanny and be upfront about the issues. You will probably have to pay agency fees, but really worth it to get an experienced nanny in my view.

I think you may well be able to find a nanny willing to work just a few hours a week, if that is what you want and you are prepared to be flexible - perhaps someone semi-retired or that wants to fit it round school aged children.

Perhaps your DH needs to change jobs and work closer to home instead. I understand how stressful it is, but your DH is away a lot leaving you to do all the parenting. Thats not your DM fault.

Sorry not read right through when i posted. He works from home so he can clearly see and hear you struggling? Your issues should be with your DH not your parents.

It's a tough job being a carer for another adult and it drains you physically and emotionally.

You need to get some good childcare op. No nanny or childminder worth their pay will have an issue with a "difficult" baby.

I'm a childminder (who also had an elderly relative to look after) and I was a stranger to each one of the (some very difficult) 80+ children who have been through my home, most were long term and some still visit now they are teenagers. I only have one child left now but I've cared for him since he was a few months old, he's now 9 and I had his sister before him. I get paid for the time I am working but they are like my grandchildren now (and their mum is now a friend) and they spend just as much time here when I'm not working.

It's sad that your own family can't help but there will be someone who can. Make it a priority because you need to care for yourself as well as your husband and child.

Dear OP,
I am sorry you are in this situation. When I had a young baby my DH and I were both severely ill and needed help. My mum could help but then got proper flu and was bed bound. My PIL were useless and then objected when we got a maternity nurse in. It hurt ALOT but getting paid for help was the best decision we could ever have made. It helped us so so much and it was exactly what we needed. I have been able to forgive my PIL because they are good in other ways. I hope you can get some other help. If you can afford it, pay for it. Big hugs and good luck.

Please get some paid help. I have many friends in their early and mid 50s who care for elderly parents and/or parents with dementia and the level of needs these people have is incredible, it's really not just an 'excuse' at all. It's truly hard work.

It was really unprofessional of your HV to throw out 'you should have help' and do nothing to point you in that direction, just assumed. It's 2019, this outdated paradigm that everyone has 'family' living nearby who can provide childcare needs to die because for a while yet people have had to move far from family for work, have parents who are still working FT themselves, have family who have caring duties for other relatives or other obligations.

You'll feel so much better if you stop feeling so disappointed in their lack of childcare provision and source it professionally.

I know your H works long hours but you need to stop letting him off the hook so much. Sorry, but he's the parent here, not your mother or MIL.

If you're ill he needs to be taking the lead with finding professional childcare for the child you have together.

Your DH needs to help more. Lots of people have really busy jobs. My DH runs the emergency ward at a very busy understaffed hospital and often works more than 80 hours in a week. He is still a dad to his kids.

Expect more from him. If he's really unable to do anything to help you because of his job then he needs a new job. Parents have to make sacrifices for their children. This doesn't only apply to women - it takes 2 to make a baby.

I agree with what most posters are saying however it also sounds like your husband is making you anxious you don't want the baby to disturb his important work phone calls we'll all babies cry so he will just need to work on a solution for this if he wants to work from home unfortunately when you choose to have a baby not everyone will want to jump up and help they have already had there children and done the hard work etc I think if you need help try get some paid help in attend different baby groups to get you out of the house this might do you and baby good can you dh watch baby for an hour a day so you can pop to the shop or have a bath in peace? It does get better I promise you :) x

You also need to get rid of the idea that a paid professional would ‘run a mile’ from your baby because he’s difficult. It’s their job, and likely he won’t be the most difficult child they’ve cared for in their time, particularly if you choose an experienced nanny. Remember even if the baby screams for 3 hours solid, they then hand them back and go home - it’s totally different from having 24/7 responsibility as the parent. And anecdotally (from someone I know who’s a childcare professional) many child carers fall over themselves to care for younger babies, because so many women these days take a whole year off work, so most children are approaching toddler stage by the time they’re in childcare.

Your mother has a lot on her plate being daily carer for her mother, and it sounds as though your MIL has quite a lot to cope with too. Even if you feel they could be doing more, it’s pointless dwelling on this when you have a solution (professional childcare) as an alternative.

It’s also irrelevant that your mother says that she expects care from you when she’s older. I hate this ‘tit for tat’ mentality where people view relationships as debit and credit transactions. People can give help if they are able to and want to, but it should be freely given and freely accepted without strings attached.

FWIW we had no family help because our parents lived hundreds of miles away. When we had 3 pre school children our childcare bills were through the roof. My sister on the other hand who lived near my parents got quite a bit of free childcare. My parents are very elderly now and need frequent visits and some practical help. I go and stay over on a regular basis; I wouldn’t dream of thinking ‘ I never got any help, why should I help them? It’s all down to my sister to provide . ’ I’d really question myself if I started to view relationships like that.