To feel disappointed with mum re childcare

[RubyPurple]

I have a really, really difficult baby. Essentially a high needs baby who cries most of the time and rarely content. My husband works in a high pressured job and is often travelling. I have friends whose mothers or MILs help out when they’re going through a difficult time with babies.

My mum and MIL have never really offered to help except for the week after my son was born. They are both SAHM themselves so no jobs but my my mum visits my elderly gran every day for an hour or two and my father in law has anxiety and is quite dependent on MIL so that’s why they say they can’t help. I felt like it was unreasonable to expect anything from anyone but today my health visitor saw how difficult my son was and said I really need someone to take him for a little bit during the weekdays as it’s too much for me to cope with every day (I’ve got PND and getting that sorted now). Our friends and siblings seem surprised that despite having both sets of parents near us we have such little support. I try to understand things from their point of view as they have their own issues and obligations but I do feel a little sad about it. If they each offered to come around for two or three hours during the week it would be so helpful. When I think that then sometimes I wonder if I’m being unreasonable to expect anything from them?

I never said they can't have help - get off your high horse.

It's sounds like they are able and do next to fuck all all day - they can't be bothered to help their DD/DIL as the baby is difficult.

Yes - I certainly would remember it when they are calling up needing to be taken here, there and everywhere in a few years - yes I would think 'well you didn't want to help me when I needed help'.

It's about give and take. Unless there's something we're not being told - they're not helping because they don't want to. Which is a perfectly good reason why I might not help that same person later on.

People are jumping to conclusions about how much care OP's DM is actually doing for her gran. My Nan is elderly and I talk to her for an hour almost every day as she would otherwise become quite lonely, she doesn't require any physical care at the moment. She could of course be doing an hour or two's hard physical labour providing personal care for her nan. If it is the former then DM is BU for not providing her DD with more support.

I hugely sympathise and you absolutely need help so would buy some in. It’s just not realistic to expect your Mum and MIL to cope with a high needs baby as well caring responsibilities. Caring is often very hard work and your energy levels do dip as you get older.

When our DC were small we had 3 out of 4 of our parents ill and the whole things was incredibly stressful and nearly broke us trying to juggle small children and sick parents. Accept things are what they are, that for the moment you don’t need to worry about caring for parents and get the support you need from elsewhere then you know it will be consistent.

It's sounds like they are able and do next to fuck all all day

Have you ever been a career for another adult? The mum spends an hour or two every day caring for her mum and I imagine there's extra responsibilities like appointments, admin etc. The MIL cares for her husband who has mental health problems and is dependent on her so that's all day (and possibly night too).

Mumoftinies
Caring isn't just the 'physical' side of things. It's all of it. You can be a carer to someone and never do any personal care.

*carer not career!

Sorry you're going through this OP. Have you spoken to the GP about whether baby may be unsettled due to a medical issues or discomfort? I hope the HV had some good suggestions. DD (now 11 months) was a needy young baby and just wanted to be near me. If I put her in the buggy or even if DM or MIL held her she would scream. She seemed to have a lot of separation anxiety (I think from being taken virtually at birth to NICU). Firstly she slowly got better so why 6 months I could leave her for a couple of hours and when she was 10 months I started working 3 days a week. DM does 1 day, MIL does 2 so we're very lucky but I had to really work up to it with them as they perceived themselves as helping a lot when really they were sitting around whilst I dashed about catering to them and baby. Home start provided a volunteer to us who was fantastic and demonstrated to me and DM/MIL that part of the issues was that when DD got upset they moaned and made it worse. The volunteer sang to her or went to another room and DD took to her better. I would really recommend this as it helped me see it wasnt as much DD, it was those around me telling me normal behaviour was high need and problematic because it didnt suit them.

Everything that @GibbonLover said.

I wonder if your Mother is depressed and overwhelmed by care for your Grandmother? And her own spiral of negativity is affecting her advice to you.

To be honest I think you have to be blunt. Ask them for help - if they say no. Then to be honest I wouldn't want to see much of them - they are a burden rather than a help.

If you can buy in help then do so! Lots of people do with all kinds of issues - an older friend was talking about how much "sleep consultants" charge and wondering if she should set herself up as one. I said that I could totally understand and would probably have paid for one myself with my second child, who was a nightmare for sleep, and noturnal for about the first 9 months of her life.
Yes an experienced Nanny will be absolutely fine with your child. Get an advert out ASAP to ask for specific respite help.
If you couldn't afford paid help then charities like "Home Start" can sometimes help.

Next your HV seems a bit crap. Have you been referred to a Paediatrician? If not I would go and see your GP and request a referral. A label of "High Needs" is useless, if you can get some kind of diagnosis it might give you guidance on how to help him, and might even unlock access to specialist help.
Some HV tend to use a referral to a Paediatrician as if it is a threat - it should be an offer of hope.

Honestly just get a part time or full time nanny - do not feel guilty - they are professionals who choose to work with babies & children... and I've not known one that would run away from a crying baby ......

do not feel guilty - anyone and i mean anyone that comments - say when you can offer me 3 hours professional support a day then maybe I will get rid of the nanny - dont take any shit about it ...

There maybe many reasons why your families won't /can't help - but the fact is they are not helping and it will be better for everyone- baby, you and dh if you had some help...

OP doesn't say she is a carer though, she describes her as a SAHM who visits her Nan once a day. For all we know they could be sat around drinking tea bitching about the queen bee at bridge (speaking from experience). Why should that stop her from helping her depressed daughter and her grandchild?

It's sounds like they are able and do next to fuck all all day - they can't be bothered to help their DD/DIL as the baby is difficult.

Why do you assumed, despite knowing both of them have caring responsibilities, that they do next to fuck all, all day?

I am sorry you are struggling - have you tried cranial oestopathy to calm your baby. I had a tricky baby - feeding and sleeping and crying problems! He did not sleep through the night until 4.5 years of age. Two things helped - cranial oestopathy as babies brains get squished during birthing process and this can affect nerves going to their stomach - well recognised infact BUPA insurance paid for treatment. Plus seeing a pediatric gastro - going on a diary-free formula plus gaviscon. even if you are breast feeding I would cut out diary - I came accross a mum in the pediatric gastro office whose baby was allergic to her breastmilk and she had to go on diary=free formula.

I know this feeling too well. Again I think, just wait til you need help in old age when you’ve just sat there watching me struggle 😒🤭 ... My child was the same as yours and it was genuinely the hardest time of my whole life. My mum knew how much I was struggling but no help and when I asked there was always an excuse... I stopped asking. If you can afford outside help 100% do it. A childminder or nanny wouldn’t worry about your child as even though they are hard work it’s much harder for you as you have them all the time! Don’t forget they can hand them back at the end so I don’t think they would worry at all. Hope you get help

First and foremost your dh needs to help. He must get at least one day off a week if not more. So every day he has off, he needs to give you a couple of hours to yourself. Agree these in advance, schedule them in.

Secondly; seek additional medical advice. See a paed, ask for a referral to one through your gp. Your baby may well need treatment for something (be that reflux or whatever).

Agree with another person's suggestion above suggesting you suggest you visit Gran and your mum take baby.

Can your dh work outside the home? Rent a space somewhere? Having to stay quiet in the house will be adding to all of this.

For all we know they could be sat around drinking tea bitching about the queen bee at bridge (speaking from experience). Why should that stop her from helping her depressed daughter and her grandchild?

Why would you assume that?

That's like saying 'I assume the baby isn't high needs because the OP wont give details of what the issue is. She is probably just a drama queen'

You are making assumptions based on not much information at all.

You're going to have to accept that you're not going to have any help from your older generation. I had this too. Write them off and try not to get upset.

The only way is to organise paid childcare.

I would definitely pay a nanny or babysitter, I did otherwise I would have lost my mind, nearly did a few times. Many 3am phones calls with a screaming baby in the room where had. Also try a sling, and get out of the house a bit, easier to cope with the screaming. I used to slap some music on with them in the sling whilst I was cleaning, you'll find a set of music that calms them down enough for you to think

They think its a bad idea having a stranger looking after the baby ?.
What are they to the baby but strangers.
If you can afford help go for it,actually,go for it anyway.
I hope they feel a little guilty if you do,and so they should.
Good luck and look after yourself.

Sorry I haven't read all the thread. Depending on location and health status, would it be an option to ask your mother to take the baby to visit your grandmother? If it is mainly a frailty/needs company situation, it's worth a try and could suit everyone (and even become a regular more than once a week option).

I’m not sure it is as straightforward as some PP’s say. Your DM is already providing care for an elderly parent for several hours every day- to then come round for a few hours daily to you is quite a big ask in my opinion. Maybe once a week or something is more doable. Depending on how bad FIL anxiety is, it may be hard for your MIL to take on a caring role. Obviously, if he has low level anxiety that is less of an excuse.

I also wonder if the fact he is high needs is the problem- they don’t feel able to cope?

I would also say that if you are struggling this badly, then you should also be looking to your husband to support you more. Is there anyway he can curtail the travel etc for a short while?

Where your DM and MIL are 100% wrong is in relation to paid help. If they can’t do it, then they don’t get a say in how you get help.

I firmly believe that the rise of post natal depression and anxiety is bound up in the increasingly isolated way in which women are expected to mother, without support from older, more experienced women.

I expect that is very true.

But as a society we can’t have it both ways, if we want the benefits of an extended family set up we also have to accept the downsides (lack of privacy, lack of agency etc)

My MIL and mum were exactly the same. First born was a very, very high needs baby. He was also a boy, and my MIL doesn't like boys. My SIL had a female baby who was textbook - slept straight through the night from day minus 20, never cried, perfect basically. My MIL didn't want anything to do with my screamy needy son.I wasn't even asking for weekly childcare - just once for a few hours would've been nice for my son to get to recognise her. My dm was similar. The second he started to cry, which was often, she hand him straight back. Because he needed walking around and around and watching constantly (he'd scream if you left his sight even to wee), she would say she was too tired, then retreat to the kitchen to cook the elaborate meals she always insisted on doing and drinking wine all day so we never saw her. We gave up, to be honest. I do get very envious of people who have family on hand.

The OP hasn’t actually asked....

I think you need to use a nanny or nursery. If DH is a city lawyer surely you can afford a couple of days a week?

Wishihad

My post was for balance, posters have piled on saying that the OP's DM is caring for the gran so cannot possibly be expected to help the OP. However from the OP'S post doesn't give enough detail about what these visits to the gran actually entail.