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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel disappointed with mum re childcare

508 replies

RubyPurple · 29/07/2019 23:21

I have a really, really difficult baby. Essentially a high needs baby who cries most of the time and rarely content. My husband works in a high pressured job and is often travelling. I have friends whose mothers or MILs help out when they’re going through a difficult time with babies.

My mum and MIL have never really offered to help except for the week after my son was born. They are both SAHM themselves so no jobs but my my mum visits my elderly gran every day for an hour or two and my father in law has anxiety and is quite dependent on MIL so that’s why they say they can’t help. I felt like it was unreasonable to expect anything from anyone but today my health visitor saw how difficult my son was and said I really need someone to take him for a little bit during the weekdays as it’s too much for me to cope with every day (I’ve got PND and getting that sorted now). Our friends and siblings seem surprised that despite having both sets of parents near us we have such little support. I try to understand things from their point of view as they have their own issues and obligations but I do feel a little sad about it. If they each offered to come around for two or three hours during the week it would be so helpful. When I think that then sometimes I wonder if I’m being unreasonable to expect anything from them?

OP posts:
Br1256 · 02/08/2019 14:36

Hi I live in London Essex borders and would be happy to help you (or anyone else) out with a young baby. Not some weirdo I just like children. Ex teacher, mother of two, grandmother of four, although I rarely see two of them

Good luck Jane

LunaLula83 · 20/02/2021 09:54

I'd love to know how OP got on. Did you get help in the end? I'm simillar to you. Dh works all the time. At weekends he's on his phone and no one helps me. The sad thing is it makes me resentful of my kids. I'm living with my parents and they criticise me. I know they don't want me here. I'm trying desperatly to get some money together to afford childcare and the odd treat, but my kids ruin that. I hate my life.

AnnLouiseB · 20/02/2021 10:00

Yanbu, families should support one another and that is shit.

Do you have a friend who you could ask? I would assist one of mine in a heartbeat if she was in your situation.

mumwon · 20/02/2021 10:37

As a cm this is exactly what I use to do
I had a joke with lovely dm & her twins who were pickles!!!! that she only went back to work to pay for childcare (she said exactly!!!) still makes me smile. Difference for us was/is that we know its for a specific time

partyofsixteen · 20/02/2021 10:43

Whilst they’re not obligated to help you, it’s the decent, loving, supportive, being a good parent thing to do.
Having had shit parents who did fuck all to help us with our son, i swore I would never be the same shit unsupportive grandparent myself. We don’t actually have grandchildren ourselves yet though.
Thought of knowing your daughter is really struggling and yet doing nothing to help, is heartbreaking. I think you’re going to have to sit them down Ruby and tell them how much you are struggling and how much you need help. Don’t assume they know. Spell it out loud and clear and make it difficult for them to refuse.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling so unsupported and isolated. Just concentrate on getting through each half day at a time with your baby. It will get easier, but it’s hard to believe that when you’re in the middle of it all 💐

Rangoon · 20/02/2021 11:21

Your family sound very selfish. They won't help but don't want you to get paid help. If it makes you feel any better, I had a nanny start before my second baby even came home from the hospital.

Maray1967 · 20/02/2021 14:50

I hope the OP got some help when she really needed it.
This situation with grandparents and childcare or at least some support is a tricky one as some parents don’t want grandparents interfering and others get no help at all. I have a friend who really needed help when her DC were small - lives a long way away from me otherwise I would have found a couple of hours a week to help. Her own parents could not help - father had died and mother had dementia and was in a care home. She really needed in laws to help and her MIL did not work - but always had something else to do.
Now the DC are in 20s/late teens.MIL complains that they don’t come round to see her. Friend put up with these comments until recently. MIL could not understand why all her friends grandchildren came to see them (all these friends had done at least some childcare or regular babysitting at various stages ), and hers don’t. Friend told her straight out why they didn’t want to be bothered with her - they had no real relationship with her. As they had got older they themselves had heard DGM always saying that she couldn’t have them because she might be away, even if nothing had been booked, always some reason. She didn’t know their friends, what they liked to eat etc. Presumably she had just assumed that she deserved to have the same close relationship with them that her friends had with theirs.

WildfirePonie · 21/02/2021 13:11

Zombie...

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