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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my friend on her own?

197 replies

ThrowAwayQP · 28/07/2019 23:23

Long story short, a friend and I have recalled halfway across the world to a large city on holiday.

We clearly have very different ways of holidaying. I like to plan things to do, to know what train to catch, to get to places as they open and to fill every available minute with activities.. after all; we’ve paid more than £3000 for this trip!

She on the other hand is very floaty, stop every five minutes for a fag; it doesn’t matter if we don’t get this train, wants to sit down and go on her phone a lot... I can just about put up this.

But now it’s the evening; I want to get ready and go out for drinks. I’ve just spent a good half an hour convincing her we’re not just staying in and watching telly in the hotel. Now she’s decided she wants to go buy makeup; but despite me trying to drop hints I’d like to get on with it; she’s still laid on her bed flicking through her phone.

Firstly I know everyone holidays in their own way; but it be nice to know there are others like me; and secondly would I BU to just leave her (despite her protesting she doesn’t me to leave her alone) and just start getting ready?

OP posts:
mineofuselessinformation · 28/07/2019 23:24

Go for a drink in a bar. Tell her to meet you there when she's done.

Original poster
ThrowAwayQP · 28/07/2019 23:26

I’d love to just walk out and to the bar; but it would be the end of the friendship. She doesn’t know the city like I do and is insisting quite strongly that she can’t leave the hotel without me

OP posts:
Bambamber · 28/07/2019 23:27

Just go out and have drinks without her

Bambamber · 28/07/2019 23:27

Well insist even stronger that she gets her butt in gear and get out then

lyralalala · 28/07/2019 23:29

Tell her that you are going at x time and if she’s not ready you’ll assume she’s staying in for the evening

Leeds2 · 28/07/2019 23:30

If she has said that she wants to stay in the hotel and watch TV, let her. And you go out. I would give her a half hour warning as to when you will be leaving.

Flopt · 28/07/2019 23:32

Yep , your friend is Me . My OH is you .

Now I’m more balanced. I was like your friend before .

Some people’s minds are in different places and almost can’t relax and appreciate where they are when they go on holiday .

I used to be like that but changed . Your friend isn’t trying to be annoying I’m sure , it’s just that she can’t see and enjoy the world like you do .

Hopefully she will learn to do that x

dodgeballchamp · 28/07/2019 23:32

“I’m going for a drink at X bar, I’ll send you the location, meet me there when you’re ready”. Job done, stop pandering to her

Willow2017 · 28/07/2019 23:37

Just go she would drive me bananas too. I like to see/do things if I am away, whats the point going somewhere to ignore all the new places to explore/culture/people?

She is an adult she can ask directions, get a taxi to come meet you if she is that bothered ffs! If she cant leave the hotel without you then she either moves and comes with you or stays by herself in the room. She isnt your child to take care of.
Tell her where and when you will in x bar/restaurant and the rest is up to her.

Dont let her moan later/tomorrow she didnt get to go, her decision to sit and vegetate in her room. Why did she pay all that money to sit in a room staring at crap on her phone?

ysmaem · 28/07/2019 23:42

Tell her your going and give her the option to either come with you or stay behind. I think that's more than fair.

CalmdownJanet · 28/07/2019 23:43

Go out alone. At first she actually sounds like my kind of person, a bit more chilled by day but by night she sounds lazy, and not wanting to leave the hotel without you she sounds needy and lazy. Go to a close bar alone and tell her you'll wait half an hour, fuck it, it's your holiday too

TheInvestigator · 28/07/2019 23:54

"This is my holiday too. You hold up everything up and I've had enough so we don't need to be glued together since we both enjoy different things. I'm going out in 10 minutes. You're welcome to join me, but I won't wait around any longer"

katewhinesalot · 28/07/2019 23:55

Do your own thing but do it nicely, not in a moany, accusatory way. After all neither of you are wrong, you just want different things. How you word it is important as to whether your friendship survives.

Give her advance warning of when you are doing something then tell her you don't mind if she comes or not as you know she likes to chill. Then stick to your plans.

itswinetime · 29/07/2019 00:01

Can the friendship survive if you bow down to her wishes and spoil your own holiday though?

They only way to save this in my experience is to be completely honest either you can find a compromise or it is done!

NightFever · 29/07/2019 00:02

There has to be a way to discuss this & set some ground rules/boundaries without wrecking the friendship. She can't have it both ways. It's not reasonable at all. Discuss a way that involves both of you making compromises.

Grandmi · 29/07/2019 00:03

I met up with a friend in NYC last year ..she is from NZ and it was the first time for 14 years that we were together!! We had a fab time but also gave each other personal time and space ..it worked and we had a fantastic time together.

Villanellesproudmum · 29/07/2019 00:04

You sound both completely different and the total opposite of each other, there must be a compromise? You sound a bit overbearing and her way too relaxed.

TormentedbyBlankWhitePages · 29/07/2019 00:05

Where are you visiting? Assuming it's not somewhere risky for travellers she'll be totally fine if you go ahead and find a nice bar somewhere nearby to start the evening in. She has her phone, she'll manag

TormentedbyBlankWhitePages · 29/07/2019 00:06

manage..

BlankTimes · 29/07/2019 00:24

Sticking together seems a good thing to do from a safety point of view, especially as she doesn't know the area.

Now you've both discovered you have different expectations, could you come to a compromise, even split the remaining days alternately, one day she calls the shots, the next you do.
Organise it so that the next day's plans to be decided before you go to sleep so the schedule for the day is clear from waking and you both agree to do what the other wants on 'their' day?

Original poster
ThrowAwayQP · 29/07/2019 00:37

@Blanktimes that’s just the thing tho; she doesn’t/can’t plan or schedule anything. If it were up to her what we did on a given day we would end up doing very little other an aimlessly drift about until we eventually found somewhere she thought looked nice... and I’d be quietly seething thinking “well, if we knew we were coming here we could have gotten the subway at this time; and bought that ticket; so we could take advantage of this offer...” if you know what I mean?

OP posts:
VenusTiger · 29/07/2019 00:39

I think it’s fine to want to do different things but if that means alone then tell her that. Neither of you should coerce the other into going out or staying in, so say it’s best you don’t fall out and that tonight, you do what you want and she does what she wants.

VenusTiger · 29/07/2019 00:43

You’re making it sound like, her way is the “wrong way” of doing things. So, you’ll need to do as you both please, and if that’s apart and you meet up for dinner, then so be it.

MarshmallowHeat · 29/07/2019 00:52

I travelled with a friend a bit like this. Crucially you both need to do some things on your own. Just have a chat over breakfast, and be plain. It’ll be okay. Suggest you do what she wants say in the afternoon, then you are out for dinner / drinks by yourself.

LisaMontgomery · 29/07/2019 01:00

She isn't a child so she certainly can leave the hotel without you - she is choosing not to because guilt tripping you is easier. I think you need to stand up for yourself and tell her you are leaving in (say) 15 minutes with or without her.