To leave my friend on her own?

[ThrowAwayQP]

Long story short, a friend and I have recalled halfway across the world to a large city on holiday.

We clearly have very different ways of holidaying. I like to plan things to do, to know what train to catch, to get to places as they open and to fill every available minute with activities.. after all; we’ve paid more than £3000 for this trip!

She on the other hand is very floaty, stop every five minutes for a fag; it doesn’t matter if we don’t get this train, wants to sit down and go on her phone a lot... I can just about put up this.

But now it’s the evening; I want to get ready and go out for drinks. I’ve just spent a good half an hour convincing her we’re not just staying in and watching telly in the hotel. Now she’s decided she wants to go buy makeup; but despite me trying to drop hints I’d like to get on with it; she’s still laid on her bed flicking through her phone.

Firstly I know everyone holidays in their own way; but it be nice to know there are others like me; and secondly would I BU to just leave her (despite her protesting she doesn’t me to leave her alone) and just start getting ready?

Could she be feeling somewhat outside of her depth being in a place that is unknown to her, so the motel room is her safety blanket?

Or, she has ''shut down'' because she has become really peeved at something that happened during the day and she has had enough of you? (either fairly or unfairly) and is sulking instead of airing it.

Some people just like to shop when they travel rather than actually see anything of the Country they are visiting... hard to know really. She needs to speak up or you just go on your way and do your own thing instead.

I don't think either of you are wrong. But you should spend some time separate from each other--pleasantly.

As everyone has said, this is real ‘actions speak louder than words’ situation. If she is reliant on you and intending to come then she needs to get into gear and stick with you.

It’s the price for her of not being independent.

The problem isn’t so much the type of activity we want to do, it’s how we go about doing them.

Let’s say we want to go to a museum. I’ll look up the subway times, and when the museum opens, and a museum map. I’ll plan which train we need to get to beat the queues, which extras we want to buy while we’re there, and the most efficient path round the museum. Whereas my friend will just float along to the subway station and (this really happened) see a train due in two minutes with the next one due in an hour; and decide to come out of the station for a fag; miss the train and have to wait an hour and she doesn’t see why that’s an issue!

And then, like tonight we both said we’d go out to a bar. She spent 30 minutes laid on her bed, on her phone not letting me go for a shower because she was off first... “in a minute”

Sorry for the rant. I do honestly like this person, seems I’m just on one tonight!

It doesn't sound like she wants to go out, which there's nothing wrong with. Maybe suggest you go out and she can stay it if she prefers? It is good to have some space from friends when you are away, I think.

Yes do your own thing. If the hotel has a bar you can wait for her and say you're leaving after one drink and going out. If she can't get her shit together in that time she probably CBA to go out.
What city? I'm intrigued

Oh god, OP. Chats are required here. My blood pressure is going up reading this!

If she is a long time friend, did you not realise her way of doing things on holidays ?,as in not doing much,and you completely different.

It's a right on shame that she is spoiling things for you,after spending all that money etc.. I agree what others have said here, as in go out and do your own things, and don't let the fear of upsetting her,put you off enjoying everything.

What do you mean by you have 'recalled'?

Surely going on holiday with someone doesn't mean living in each other's pockets 24/7. Do things solo sometimes and get together for joint activities the rest of the time. If your friend wants to watch TV or read in the hotel of an evening, leave her be. There's nothing worse than someone frantically geeing you up when all you want to do is relax in your own way.

It sounds like this is the very start of the holiday? Maybe she needs a little time to adjust after a busy time getting ready to go away? Or even just adjusting to being in a completely different environment. Are you adjusting to the heat or a time difference? I usually do need the first 2 days to get my energy back. Perhaps she's just knackered.
It does sound as if you have very different expectations.
I think you need to stop relying on dropping hints and have a frank, but friendly discussion. Decide what your priorities are, what hers are.. and see how things land and if you can make a good agreement. If you are a planner, continue to make those plans, make it clear she is welcome to come to or to tell you her plan. Maybe you could alternate, busy day for you, relaxing plan from her. Also. Perhaps you have done more research and know more about what's out there, whereas she's been happy to rely on you. Encourage her to collect info about what's on offer and she might start to feel more adventurous. Good luck!

You need to talk about this but not in an accusatory manner. How good friends are you? Is the bar you want to go to close enough for you to go and tell her if she wants to come out later you can meet her outside the hotel when she's ready?

It sounds like you're a planner op but you failed to account for your friends personality when planning the holiday. Perhaps you should have trialed a weekend break or two away first. She would drive me bonkers but you are with her now so you are going to have to just coax her but by bit and find compromises. This is why I travelled alone when backpacking!

I would just go ahead and do what you want, tbh. You say you've spent £3K on the holiday? Well, it's your holiday too. She seems to be using inertia to control you. I've been on holiday with a friend who didn't want to do anything and spent half the time lying in bed, watching tv in a language she couldn't understand. After a couple of days of this I gave up and went off on my own. I reckoned that at least I got to do some of the things I wanted so it was worth it.

Ask her if she'd be upset if went ahead to the bar as you're ready to go. Put it back on her

I don't see why it would be the end of the friendship if you went out alone. You want to go out, she doesn't. So you go, surely?

She has a choice and so do you. I went away with a friend like this once. We quickly established a habit of breakfast, plans and then if she wanted to chill / meander that was cool and I met her for cocktails at 6 before getting changed and going out.

She had zero interest in culture and I had zero interest in faffing:) she was nice too.

What is she doing on her phone then? She's not on here is she?:)

There isn’t a right way to holiday. She shouldn’t be dragged around by you on a schedule, and you shouldn’t have to waist time on doing nothing. You are going to have to learn to compromise. Tell her your plan and let her choose if it’s something she’d like to join you or you do your own things.

“I’m going down to ..... bar for a drink. I’m leaving at 7pm. Feel free to join me or if you’d prefer you can relax in the hotel room.”

When it comes to 7pm and she doesn’t look ready.

With a big smile say“Have a great night, I’ll try to be quiet when I return so I don’t wake you.”

You must have known what she is like before you booked the holiday. Is she a long time friend?
Give her an ultimatum. Tell get you will be ready to go out at say 9.30. If she's not ready then you'll go without her. And mean it

OP she would drive me nuts. I suspect your approach of planning everything so carefully drives her nuts too! But you do seem to be letting her have things all her own way. Why on earth have you stayed out of the bathroom because she's going to go in in just a minute for half an hour? Where's her compromise in all this?

I'm assuming you've had a chat about wanting to get a bit more done than is actually happening at the moment and she's made all the right noises but changed her behaviour? If not, start with that. Otherwise, if she says she's going to do something that doesn't suit you start pushing back a bit. If she's said she's going into the bathroom in a minute and 5 minutes later she's still on her phone just go in. If she says she's coming out but half an hour later she's still hanging around say something like "Take your time if you like, it's your holiday too but I don't want to sit around the hotel room so I'm heading out in half an hour. I'll be in the bar next door for a drink and if you're not there by the time I've finished I'll head off on my own, OK?"

Being scheduled obviously works for you but not so much for her, so maybe be a bit more flexible in your planning - Assume going somewhere involves some stops to soak up the scenery. Maybe work out if there's a nice park you could suggest she has a fag in en route, know when the next train is, be prepared to miss one if you're a ways away when she first wants to stop, etc. But if you're right there and missing it means sitting around a blah area or train station for the next 60 minutes say something like "I don't want to hang out here for another hour. I'm going to catch this train now. If you want to hang out here for a while that's fine. I'll meet you in the museum cafe at 11" (or whatever) And just do it. If she complains she can't be left on her own say "Well, come on then." and go.

This is kind of forcing her a bit, though. So after you've done this a couple of times sit down and talk about how you can perhaps split the day up a bit better so you're both getting a holiday you want without either of you feeling let down or pushed around.

Yanbu

Go your separate ways for the day. Just agree to meet up for dinner or afternoon tea or something. Or start out at breakfast and then separate, even if you do a room service breakfast so that you can have a chat before departing.

I often prefer travelling alone so I can go slow on my own. And decide to do what I want when I want. I don't like having a timetable to follow. When travelling with friends or Dh we would often split for a day. I prefer to potter and eat nice food and people watch. I like museums but I don't like racing around them and I would only want to do one major thing a day. If I wanted to see the sights all at once I would hop on a sight seeing bus and then just get off at the main places. But I also enjoy hanging out at the hotel.

And she can't get mad at you going out alone! That is ridiculous and controlling.

Just go out, and let the floaty one do her thing. It's one thing to be flaky at home, but on an expensive holiday, nah! I've had one friendship end after a fraught holiday together - sometimes spending all that time together isn't the best way to stay pals!

You're going to have to chat to her and find a happy medium here. I've been travelling and tbh your military approach to organising every fine detail would drive me mad. It sounds like you are absolutely sucking the joy out of being out there and the going for a fag when the train is due sounds like a little stand against the rigidity of it all. There's alot to be said about not having a plan when travelling and happening upon something wonderful. That said, I can see that you have things you want to see and do and want to plan for that. And the missing of the train and waiting another hour would have driven me mad. Just talk to her and see if you can reach a compromise before it all gets out of hand. Maybe do an organised day followed by a relaxed day?

Drive me nuts too. So you need to give her the itinerary the night before, tell her what time you’re leaving and stick to it, with or without her.

I might be kind and build a few lazy slots into the trip as a compromise.

but it would be the end of the friendship.

It might just be the kick up the arse she needs to stop being so flaky.

Think I’m in-betweeny. The aimless wafting and missing buses would irritate the bejesus out of me...but so too would Miss Itinerary. I like to make a basic plan and generally stick to it but I wouldn’t want anyone researching it down to what way we walk round a museum. It’s not a school trip!

You sound very different in your approach to holidays, yes.

Do you go on holiday regularly? Have you been with this friend before?
I only ask, because I wouldn't have gone with this person. Her holidaying style is too different to your own.