To leave my friend on her own?

[ThrowAwayQP]

Long story short, a friend and I have recalled halfway across the world to a large city on holiday.

We clearly have very different ways of holidaying. I like to plan things to do, to know what train to catch, to get to places as they open and to fill every available minute with activities.. after all; we’ve paid more than £3000 for this trip!

She on the other hand is very floaty, stop every five minutes for a fag; it doesn’t matter if we don’t get this train, wants to sit down and go on her phone a lot... I can just about put up this.

But now it’s the evening; I want to get ready and go out for drinks. I’ve just spent a good half an hour convincing her we’re not just staying in and watching telly in the hotel. Now she’s decided she wants to go buy makeup; but despite me trying to drop hints I’d like to get on with it; she’s still laid on her bed flicking through her phone.

Firstly I know everyone holidays in their own way; but it be nice to know there are others like me; and secondly would I BU to just leave her (despite her protesting she doesn’t me to leave her alone) and just start getting ready?

I'm like you OP. I don't have to have every moment jam packed but I do need to go early to eg museums to beat the crowds and do it at the best price (cash was tight when I was a SAHM).

DH was like your friend albeit without the fags but now enjoys my planning. He didn't enjoy New York the first time, just wandering around but enjoyed it with us because I saught out interesting things to do.

In your shoes I'd plan as usual, copy her your itinerary and tell her she can come and join you whenever as that's where you'll be.

OP you would drive me mad, frankly. Holidays are for relaxing, but you come over as frantic and obsessive about filling every second with some kind of regimented schedule. You seriously need to chill or else go on holiday alone .

The idea that ditzying about missing trains, wafting into museums at peak periods with the most crowds, spending most of your time on your phone in your hotel room is relaxing - is false.

I'm with you - if I've spent my money going somewhere, I want to see and experience all that there is to see and do. Wafting around like your friend would drive me bonkers with frustration.

The suggestion that "you can't leave her in the hotel by herself tonight " is crazy ! If she doesn't want to go out, fine, but blackmailing you into staying with her is ridiculous. I'd simply say " I'm going out in 10 minutes - if you want to stay here that's fine, see you later".

If your friendship flounders over this, so be it. Personally I couldn't be bothered to spend 5 minutes with someone like her. Next time, maybe go on one of those "singles only" group tours where you get to see everything with like-minded people. They are great !

We get this if I go away with my adult DD. She is like you, I’m more of a drifter. So she goes off and does her thing and then I meet her (or not) when I am ready. We get the pleasure of one another’s company as well as enjoying our own pace of holiday.

Off you go to the bar of your choice, text her the location when you get there and then sit back and enjoy your drink and some people watching.

Sounds like another selfish shyte.
Go to the bar and have a drink,if she joins you great,if not great.
You are on holiday after all.

Hope you feel a bit better now OP!

I agree communication is key for both of you. You sound like me, a more organised and uptight holiday person We sometimes go abroad with my parents, who sound like your friend. They take it at a much slower and relaxed pace and that's fine IF YOU SEPARATE! I annoy them as much as they annoy me!

I understand what you mean about both wanting to see the same things. With my parents, we talk the night before about what we are going to do. Then I plan transport if needed etc. I tell them what time we are getting the train, and if they want to join us great or we will meet them there. Sometimes they join, sometimes we meet them there and halfway round an attraction!

The key is your friend letting you go without her. That's what will give you the problem. If she is unwilling to either go with you on time or let you go without her then she is being extremely unreasonable. She cannot spend the whole holiday expecting you to go at her pace. Give and take required on both sides.

I wouldn't like to holiday with either of you, 2 very opposite extremes lol. Surely you knew what she was like before you went away. Personally I'd stick to my guns over things like the train once you have already left to catch it and time for going out. 'I really want to get this train so if you're popping out for a fag I'll catch up with you when you get to the museum' 'I'm going to go in the shower now as you are still sitting on the bed and I'll only be a minute, I plan to go out around 9, if you aren't ready you can meet me in X bar' but the rigid micro planning would drive me insane.

She sounds like a complete dead weight, and she's actually controlling things in a very negative way.
Why should you miss out because of her ignorance.
I would go to the bar and say look forward to seeing you there (in a nice way and make SURE you go).
Don't feel guilty she doesn't feel guilty at all about you missing out.

TALK to each other. At a time when you're not already wound up. I like holidays to be slower and more relaxed and would be ready to kill a friend who was trying to rush and overplan for me - I went long haul with a friend back in February, and we were mismatched in a similar way. Annoyingly although was your floaty friend I was always ready to leave the house on time and she was frequently late which meant rushing to catch trains etc - I bloody hate rushing! We survived by keeping communicating our needs, and compromising as much as we each could, and we were ultimately grateful, her that I'd slowed her down to a more relaxed pace and less stress if we don't do something, and me that she'd made me do more and have more cool experiences than if I'd have got my own way all the time.

Neither of you is necessarily right or wrong but you're obviously totally incompatible holiday partners!

I'm pretty organised and like to make the most of where I visit but I would find your way of approaching it absolutely suffocating! Lots of people wouldn't but I'd be finding it hard to cope with the military style planning.

Likewise lots of people would find her too chilled out for a sightseeing type trip.

If you don't have a proper chat with her about this then you aren't giving her the chance to meet on the middle. She might be the kind of person you have to be really upfront with in order for them to register that there's an issue.

Her staying in her room without you is no different to her staying in her room with you, so be clear about this. If you want to go for a drink and she doesn't want to be out and about alone then she has two options - join you for a drink or chill in her room while you're out.

Can you have a chat over breakfast or a coffee break (the next scheduled one ) to get this nipped in the bud?

You are both just mismatched on your holiday expectations. Neither of you are wrong, just different.

I am thankful that me a DH have the same holiday expectations. We are middle path between both of you. We like to be up early and we go to do planned things in the morning. Then we have lunch and have a more chilled afternoon drifting around or back at the hotel reading and having a rest. Sometimes we go out in the evening and sometimes we don't.

I think you need to have a frank chat with your friend and find a mutually agreed middle path for the rest of your holiday. .

I think you'd both drive me mad but her the most. She's probably finding you very prescriptive and structured. There must be a middle way but I have no idea how to negotiate that while you are on holiday. Good luck.

As long as your friend doesn’t do the same to you I had happen to me. Was on a group holiday and sharing a room. Woman I was sharing with wasn’t ready so told her would go ahead and say she was on her way to the group. She rocks up 15 minutes later, waits until we are about to set off and tells me she didn’t shut the bedroom door as couldn’t see her way along the corridor in the dark. I then have to go back and shut the bedroom door so holding people up even more.

She was awful and that was mild compared to some of her exploits that trip. I have never shared a room again since.

You sound organised to the point of being a bit of a stickler, she sounds like she’s laidback to the point of being a bit flaky.

How long have you been friends-surely those are just your personalities and you are used to her being late for things, indecisive, faffing and are always waiting for her when you are at home?

I presume you knew all that when you booked a £3000 holiday?

Or are you both completely ‘normal’ at home and are bizarrely behaving out of character just because you’re on holiday?

I know everything is highlighted on holiday as you’re together 24/7 so it seems more under the microscope but is this really a total shock?

Or do you not know each other that well?

I had the same situation with a holiday with a friend. I just went without her in the end as I didn't go on holiday to sit in a hotel room.

You sound way too prescriptive and would drive me bonkers. A holiday is for relaxing too and not racing around in a set order to maximise the experience. However your friend also sounds too laid back.

You need to talk to her. Tell her that if she doesn't want to do the same things as you that's fine but you won't be spending all day in the hotel room while she surfs the internet on her phone. Give her an hour to get ready for things which takes her flakiness into account and then explain that if she isn't ready you will need to go but she is welcome to meet you later. She might not know the city as well as you but she will learn by doing it as I imagine you did

I've got a friend like this - she drives me crazy. I'll happily spend half the day in bed at home surfing the net, if it is a day where I have allocated myself a "day off". I'd never do that on holiday; you're paying for your time there!

My friend has a habit of never booking/planning anything - even her daughter's b.day party this year, with dire consequences as the venue was already booked. A lot of people travelled on the hottest day of the year a long way for nothing. It's infuriating.

Surely you must have known this about her before you went?

You would both drive me crazy😂
Who plans most efficient way around museum? Just go in and "oooh" "aahhh" your way through randomly as different things catch your eye.

You are bot opposite ends of an extreme. So you need to talk with her and find a compromise. Really full on touristing can be equally bad on holidays as doing nothing.
I like to have 1 day relax, 1 day full on, 1 day relax, 1 day full on.
And I LOVE to have a day when I have nothing plan and just randomly get lost in a city. Always find really interesting things like that.

DH and I are both in the middle, I'm slightly more towards you and he's a bit more towards your friend. We mostly want to do the same things but he's a faffer! We've wasted so much time over the years missing trains and I get very stressed about being late. I once got on a plane without him because he was faffing in the airport, he was one of the last on but did make it! I do like alone time though, time to read with a coffee which he doesn't so he will go off and do something on his own, when the faffing doesn't affect me, I like to go for a swim or walk along the beach which he's not bothered about so I do that either after breakfast or before dinner while he does his faffing about. As for the shower, he is like that all the time, even at home. I just go and have mine, I'm usually dressed and hair done before he's gone for his.

DIL is like you (DS is like your friend) I regularly go away with her and GC, that works, I like her organisation and she is happy to plan in time for me to read/swim while she and GC go and do something. Compromise and communication is the key.

A holiday is for relaxing too and not racing around in a set order to maximise the experience.

There are different kinds of holidays. Sightseeing holidays you want to get round and see everything. Relaxing beach holidays you just want to lie by the sea.

Quite what kind of holiday paying 3 grand to stay in your hotel room and look at your phone is - I couldn’t say.

I am more like you, I like to plan what we are doing each day to some extent and I hate wandering around aimlessly. My DH is mostly the same but does take ages to get ready.

My mum is more like your friend and that is why when we have gone on holiday together we do our own thing otherwise neither of us enjoy ourselves.

However I now have some mobility problems so we tend to organise one action packed day and then the next day is more relaxed with nice food and people watching. It is quite a nice balance. You could do something like this if you wanted to compromise. However I wouldn't be waiting ages for the shower or missing trains, that is where I think she is being unreasonable

how about you sit together and work out what you want from the holiday? Then make some compromises (like taking it in turns by day what you do?)

I'd have been in the shower 5 minutes after she hadn't shifted her backside though - I absolutely LOATHE waiting around for aimless people (I don't need a plan for every minute of the day but wasting time liket that is a big no-no)

It seems as though you're in a city that you know well and she doesn't? Maybe that's bothering her a bit & manifesting itself in her floatyness?

maybe you each need a bit of "me" time on this holiday too?

I had this problem with a friend
Never realised quite how muv of a faffer she was until we went on holiday together.
Arrange meet ups. So, Ifdshe wants to lle in bed til 11, fine for her. You go on an excursion and say you will be at x coffee bar at 11. If she doesnt turn up, you will be in x cafe at 1 for lunch.
It's different expectations of the holiday rather than right or wrong, but for what its worth in would never go in holiday to watch the telly.
I wanted to kill my friend after 4 days of hanging round waiting for her, and watching how long it took her to get ready.
Thus was the only way out

Apologies for typos. Phone screen broken