To leave my friend on her own?

[ThrowAwayQP]

Long story short, a friend and I have recalled halfway across the world to a large city on holiday.

We clearly have very different ways of holidaying. I like to plan things to do, to know what train to catch, to get to places as they open and to fill every available minute with activities.. after all; we’ve paid more than £3000 for this trip!

She on the other hand is very floaty, stop every five minutes for a fag; it doesn’t matter if we don’t get this train, wants to sit down and go on her phone a lot... I can just about put up this.

But now it’s the evening; I want to get ready and go out for drinks. I’ve just spent a good half an hour convincing her we’re not just staying in and watching telly in the hotel. Now she’s decided she wants to go buy makeup; but despite me trying to drop hints I’d like to get on with it; she’s still laid on her bed flicking through her phone.

Firstly I know everyone holidays in their own way; but it be nice to know there are others like me; and secondly would I BU to just leave her (despite her protesting she doesn’t me to leave her alone) and just start getting ready?

I can't stand just doing nothing on holiday. It's boring and I can't see the point of it. I have friends like this but don't see them so much anymore. They won't commit to or plan anything so it's all left to me.

I think it's fair enough to have a compromise. Some lazy days and some more active planned ones. However ime it's always the organised person bending to the flake. You're assumed to be uptight and them easy going. I've stopped going away with friends too much hassle!

Go out on your own btw. Don't pander.

I have sympathy for you both in this situation. Did she expect her travel anxiety would affect her like this or has it taken her by surprise? If she did, she's pretty selfish for coming along and ruining your holiday. If she didn't, then I would be a bit kinder to her now you're there. Could you try to figure out things to do together that are lower stress? I would be gutted in your shoes too, not going to lie. I hope she's not trying to manipulate the situation by saying anxiety.

she says she needs me with her in the hotel room / by the pool because otherwise it is “boring” and “she didn’t come on holiday to spend time alone

Bullshit. It's emotional blackmail. If she's just sat on her bloody bed playing with her phone then she can do it alone. How can she think that staying in the room all day isn't boring?!

Fuck that. Stop pandering to her. It's your holiday too. Don't waste the time you have left. Don't give her a choice. Tell her she can either sit on her arse alone or come with you and stop whining like a sulky child, and that you won't be coming back early.

I feel so bad for you, OP. I’m a huge planner. I love every second of it, in fact. And it pays off in the bucketloads. I tend to find hidden gems of places to visit when I’m away that aren’t so touristy, simply because I’ve planned. Intriguing a few have mentioned Rome as I feel it’s a destination that pays to plan for. That doesn’t mean no down time (but planned, built-in down-time to maximise everything is the key!) but it does mean actually getting in to seeing things. In Rome especially, if you don’t previous tickets for certain things you can expect to be queuing for hours. No thanks. As for optimising museums - yes! Most museums are too big to complete in one sitting so frequently I’d plan which areas in a museum to visit so I can see the bits I truly want to.

My DH used to think I was mad planning so much but when we went to Rome (and later, other places) he realised how much he benefited from my planning and research. He loves it now. We generally plan to start days early, plan specific travel times, and then build in free-time either later in the day or sometimes evenings, so we can also wander and get lost and have an adventure.

I know someone who ONLY does resort all-inclusive holidays. They NEVER leave the resorts and never see anything local or soak up local culture. They just like sun, the pool, and eating and drinking themselves silly st the buffets. Which is fine, but what I don’t understand as why the same people delight in telling others all of the exotic, far-flung places they’ve “seen” when they’ve actually done the same thing in Egypt as they have in Spain, but for significantly more cost. Totally bizarre to me. If it’s just sun, sea and sand you want (with no local culture and sightseeing) why not go to the closest place that has the sun/pools/all-inclusive.

Anyway, enough rambling. I have the next three holidays to plan.

Sorry it’s so crap, OP. Just go and do things alone and write the friendship off at this point.

she says she needs me with her in the hotel room / by the pool because otherwise it is “boring” and “she didn’t come on holiday to spend time alone”!

You didn’t come on holiday to be stick with a whiny child in a hotel room.

She gets to do what she likes on her holiday either playing with her phone in her room or by the pool but she doesn’t get to bore you to death and waste your holiday in the process.

stuck not stick

She has neither anxiety nor mental health issues, she's just a spoilt brat. Now get out there and enjoy YOUR holiday - it's just as important as hers and, if she's that desperate not to be alone, she can come with you. Or she can pay the hotel babysitter to keep her company.

I once had a friend pull the same on a holiday back when I was younger, it was flippin torture. We ended up 3 nights in the room watching Lost in Spanish whilst I translated it for her, such a chuffing nonsense it makes me mad that I ever considered going away with her..

Decide where you want to go, ask her would she like to join you, it’s her choice if she does or stays by the pool in her room. Time for some tough love...

Good luck and get out to enjoy your holiday!!

She's very selfish. Who put her in charge? It's your holiday too.

And you didn’t come on holiday to sit in the hotel.
The friendship is done now...it will never go back to the way it was because now you know, really know, what a selfish and demanding person she is. People who go on holiday with friends often return as not. I lost a friend by going on holiday with him. He asked to come with but said he had his own plans and wasn’t looking to spend the time in my pocket. Unfortunately he sponged off me and followed me everywhere. By the time we were heading home I could not wait to be shot of the wanker.
Bad luck OP xx

Go out and enjoy your holiday, you've compromised enough. If she pulls another sob-fest in the street, tell her she's being ridiculous and walk away - bet she soon stops when she's lost her audience. For your own peace of mind, you could safety-pin the name and address of your hotel with a foreign banknote into her jacket pocket so you know she can find her way back.

Don't even leave the hotel with her. Abandon her there and go out early. She'll stay by the pool / her bed. Sure, she'll be thoroughly bored but at least you both get to do what you want.

Tell her you’re not watching her watch TV all day and get out.

Friendship over anyway you may as well salvage your holiday!

and is insisting quite strongly that she can’t leave the hotel without me

Give me solo travel any day!! Meet the most fabulous people, being a chatty, adventurous type...

I feel for you..what a waste of money! I've no idea how watching the TV inside for hours on end with another person in the room is any less boring than being on your own.
I once was on my own on holiday for 5 days - a friend had to come home then came back out again. I loved it. I sunbathed, swam, visited places, ate when I fancied etc. It was great! Make sure you do what you want to do on this holiday.
Have I missed where you are?

You sound way too uptight but she sounds flipping ridiculous.

Ask her what she DID come on holiday for, and if it was to sit around in a room/by a pool why you couldn't have just gone on a spa weekend in the UK and saved £££.

How does your friendship work at home? What do you like doing together? Is there anything in it or have you just known each other a long time?

Answers to these questions will tell you whether there is any chance of compromise on her part, or if you should just tell her if she doesn't want to stir from the hotel and she doesn't want to sit in it without you, she'd better arrange to go home early because you are going to spend the next 5 days doing x y and z.

If she is willing to stir outdoors, then you need to compromise too. Realise not everyone experiences things in the same way. She may need to 'float around' the place a bit at first to get a feel for it and feel safe - not all day sure, but factor in some padding into your incredibly anal scheduling to just to mosey round a bit. e.g. a museum - as long as you get to spend a couple of hours there, does it really matter if you don't beat the crowds, get the best possible deal, go round it in the most 'efficient' way? to me that sounds like work, not a holiday. Try and stop obsessing on the money you've spent to be there, it's spent. Focus on getting what you both can out of it.

If she won't come out with you and make the best of things... then just go. Her anxiety may not let her leave the hotel (I'd have to know her to know if that's true or a ploy) but she seems happy there anyway. She may be bored, but she has her phone and her telly and the pool. Or she can take responsibility for her own unhappiness and go home. She is a grown up. Just remember that as well when you try and shepherd her about like a naughty child and educate her on the 'right way' to have a holiday.

And, of course, never EVER go on holiday with her again. Or possibly anyone, as I think your standards are ridiculously high.

Ignore the selfish manipulative brat and go and enjoy what's left of your holiday. Let her waste her time and money sitting in the hotel room if she wants.

Your friendship is over now anyway, so you may as well get some sightseeing/activities out of it. I don't know how you've managed to survive this long with her to be honest. I'd have lost my mind by now.

Take me next time OP.

We can colour coordinate our daily activities and everything.

“she didn’t come on holiday to spend time alone”!

That's her problem, not yours.
Do your own thing and don't be guilt tripped into doing everything she wants.
If you plan to get a certain train and she stalls tell her "I'm getting on this train with or without you".
You're not stopping her doing what she wants (eg nothing!) but she's trying to stop you from doing what you want to do.
Enjoy the rest of your holiday.

You didn't go on holiday to sit in a room 🤷‍♀️ why should her wants trump yours.
While your holiday style isn't for everyone op I think yanbu as you're not trying to impose it on anyone else, you'd happily go it alone walking around.

Op what did you do in the end?