To leave my friend on her own?

[ThrowAwayQP]

Long story short, a friend and I have recalled halfway across the world to a large city on holiday.

We clearly have very different ways of holidaying. I like to plan things to do, to know what train to catch, to get to places as they open and to fill every available minute with activities.. after all; we’ve paid more than £3000 for this trip!

She on the other hand is very floaty, stop every five minutes for a fag; it doesn’t matter if we don’t get this train, wants to sit down and go on her phone a lot... I can just about put up this.

But now it’s the evening; I want to get ready and go out for drinks. I’ve just spent a good half an hour convincing her we’re not just staying in and watching telly in the hotel. Now she’s decided she wants to go buy makeup; but despite me trying to drop hints I’d like to get on with it; she’s still laid on her bed flicking through her phone.

Firstly I know everyone holidays in their own way; but it be nice to know there are others like me; and secondly would I BU to just leave her (despite her protesting she doesn’t me to leave her alone) and just start getting ready?

You sound very overbearing and as though you think your way is the 'right' way. Everybody has a different idea of what makes a good holiday, it's subjective and there is no right it wrong.

You need to talk to her like an adult and both agree a way forward.

One of the things my husband and I always try to prioritise is accommodation that allows for our different styles!

So we've stayed in a private room in a hostel where he can go make random friends and I can chill in the garden of an evening. A hotel room with its own pool so I can spend the morning swimming whilst he lies in, or a pleasant place for me to read where he can drink in the bar.

There's a balance to be struck, and at the moment neither of you are striking it, which is making you both behave worse, I imagine.

She sounds like hard work but you sound really intense for a holiday! I think you need to find a medium ground. Put this down to a lesson learned and think about who you go on holiday with in future.

She spent 30 minutes laid on her bed, on her phone not letting me go for a shower because she was off first... “in a minute”
Are you a child?
Why would you just sit there after 5 minutes of her saying this and wait on her?
I'd have told her she either gets in the shower NOW or i will because i have plans to get on with.
Or even better, just get in the shower first so she can't faff about in there wasting YOUR time.

You've paid £3k for this holiday - and if it's ruined for you it won't be your 'friends' fault.
It will be YOUR fault for not having boundaries and being a pushover.

I suggest that YOU make a plan of things that YOU want to do on YOUR holiday and stick to it.
She can either fall in and 'coast' along or get proactive herself.

I’d love to just walk out and to the bar; but it would be the end of the friendship.
Well it's not much of a 'friendship' then is it?
She blatantly has no respect or consideration for your feelings, time or money.
She EXPECTS you to revolve around her - and you do it.
She's a fucking adult and you are NOT responsible for her!

If she wants to waste her time and money faffing about then leave her to it.
Don't allow this so-called 'friend' to ruin YOUR holiday and waste YOUR money.
Now you also know to never holiday with her again.

I went on holiday with my so-called best friend at the time for the first time.
Before we went she made all the right noises about sightseeing and doing stuff and i'd put a rough plan together.
We got there and all she wanted to do was hand around the pool, the pubs and clubs (too hungover for an early start the next morning), the arcades and getting off with any guy with a penis.
After 2 days of this i'd had enough and told her i was going off doing my own thing she could join me if she wanted but not if she was going to be negative, whinge, moan or faff about wasting my time.
We parted ways after arriving back home, turns out on closer inspection she wasn't such a good friend after all.

Do your own thing, you'll both be happier. You sound like my sister in law and holidaying with her is hard, fucking work. She'll be pacing and huffing if we're not ready to go at 9:15 as she's planned or we want to spend a bit longer somewhere that we're enjoying than she'd allowed in the schedule. It's supposed to be a holiday.

You can't help different ideas of what a holiday is but if you were both paying over £3k for this why did you not discuss all this before going?

If I were you I'd get ready and go out otherwise to me it's a waste of money and a good hol. If her idea of a holiday is stopping for a fag every 5 mins and being on her phone constantly leave her to it.

Lots of other people have said it but I'm going to chime in to say the same thing - you both have to compromise a bit.

I'm more like you (though slightly less extreme) and my OH is like your friend (though not quite as flaky.) But I am a planner - I like to know what we are doing and when, work out timings and logistics, anticipate the plans and activities we will do. I don't like to waste time hanging around the hotel.

My OH on the other hand hates being too planned and structured in his free time - it stresses him out, makes him feel like he's at work. He can't be rushed about and if I try and put pressure on him to conform to my structure too much then we end up arguing.

Neither approach is wrong, just not always compatible. But I have great holidays with my OH because we compromise - we loosely plan, but not too much that makes him feel overly constricted or tightly scheduled. I try and unclench at the time we 'waste' because it's his holiday too and we should both be able to relax and enjoy ourselves.

Talk to your friend and see if you can meet in the middle.

I wouldn’t enjoy holidaying with you at all! I would hate to be on a schedule and have an itinerary to follow. I wouldn’t enjoy anything if I had to pack too many things into the day and I would like to go with the flow, sit around having coffee and a chat, saunter in a leisurely fashion to something we wanted to see. I’d have a few things I wanted to see but no fixed schedule.

However, neither of you are wrong. Unfortunately you might end up doing each other’s heads in.

You’re going to have to agree to do some things separately I think. Best way is to be honest about what you want to do and that you have different expectations, spend some days together and others not.

As for not leaving the hotel without you... that’s her choice. She doesn’t get to dictate your holiday.

I think this sounds like a growing up thing for both of you. Holidays can show us who we are and who our companions are as it’s intense time together.

It’s better to have it out with each, fall out, argue, maybe even end the friendship if that’s where it’s at and learn a bit, than carry on this frustration martyr dynamic.

I am you op. It would drive me mad. I'd have to go out on my own.

1stly that could be me ( difference
is I would want you to stop glaring at me and whatever else your saying and just gi bloody out and enjoy some alone time) If she don't like it tough

2ndly you could also be me. And I would be huffing and puffing and getting really mad and just bugger of on my own and leave her to it. A break from her would probably be good round about now

Stop trying to kick her arse - she can make her own choices and so can you

3rdly That is why I've just come back from my 1st solo holiday on my own and loved it.

Don't pander - just go and enjoy yourself 😎😎😎

I am more like you, I would plan the train and make sure we got there on time. I would go to a museum for the opening time, however, I would not plan the most efficient route around the museum. That would take the fun out of it.
Perhaps a bit of compromise on both sides.

are you Monica and Rachel from Friends?

This’s the very reason I went to Australia on my own.

Tell her that you are going at x time and if she’s not ready you’ll assume she’s staying in for the evening

This is the obvious solution for your immediate problem.

For the duration though, you need to compromise. I am very organised but would not appreciate being told someone had worked out me the "most efficient way to experience a museum" That's really odd

Can you cut back on the more, er extreme over organising and planning, but tell her that her faffing is causing you anxiety and it may result in her being left to her own devices if she doesn't buck her fucking ideas up and behave like an adult?

The "friendship" is going to be dead in the water now anyway.

How did you think this holiday was going to pan out by the way? Obviously you know the woman {confused]

I went to Vegas with a very good friend and it ended our friendship . I’d been several times and this was her first. We discussed shows and things to do, so I booked them and paid too as I know she didn’t have a lot of money. The holiday was her idea and I checked with her about the costs etc before we confirmed the booking. When we get there, she doesn’t seem keen on the shows or activities booked and paid for by me, although excited about them when I booked. I’m talking helicopter trips, fancy meals and top selling shows. She also wanted to be in bed at 8pm despite never seeing her bed before midnight at home. I kept a smile on my face as I’d done it many times before but I was miffed. When we get home, she tells others she was pushed into going and I’d lied about the holiday cost. Wtf, she was sat at side of me telling me price was fine and to book it. I paid for everything else, including upgrading our seats on the flight and a limo for transfers to make it a memorable trip. I’ll never travel with a friend again

If I go away on a short break then I'm happy to wander, take things as they come. But if I spend a lot of money on a holiday, I want to make the most of it - with the attitude of doing as much as possible because I may never be back. So yes, I plan travel, opening times, plot routes so I can see things on the way to the main attraction, etc.

I would be firmer with her. Like at the station … you said she went outside for a smoke with a train due. Why did you go with her? You could have said I don't want to miss this train so I'm staying here and catching it …. she's then got a choice. And if she doesn't want to be left on her own she stays with you.

As for it finishing the friendship, doesn't sound like she's much of a friend. You obviously don't see each other very often, have never been away before (and are unlikely to do so in the future) so don't let her spoil your holiday. Otherwise you're going to go home resenting that you didn't make more of a stand at the time.

She would drive me mad, I’m not quite as regimented as you op but no way would I spend £3k on a holiday to spend my time standing outside a subway station. I would totally understand her position if you’d had a full in morning and she wanted to spend the afternoon floating around.

Just tell her you’re hungry so you’re going out now, she can stay in the room if she likes.

Could you be a bit more flexible in your approach with her, for example say I'm leaving to go to the museum at 10 am. Want to come with me or I'll meet you in xxxx place to go to the market & then onto a bar for early cocktails? Then how about dinner at xxx, we'll need to leave the hotel by 7pm. She can then decide which bits to join you on?

My dh and dd are a bit like this. I'm more like you. We compromise by having lazy drifting days as well as super planned ones. One solution is to go out and she join you when she's ready, unless she needs your support to get out but it's hard to determine lazy with needy. Do discuss plans and times you are going to leave the night before. On the drifty days, look out places you could drift to such as places to visit (the free ones or gardens etc are good for these days) and places to eat where timings don't matter so much. Example for us was day at the beach where we got to the beach eventually at 2pm but stayed late, eating picnic at 6pm. DH and I had snack/drink in identified food location first, then we all went to beach at identified location once dd was ready.

get ready and give her a time limit , if she's not ready tell her where you are going and should she want to come on later you'll meet her there !
you are not being unreasonable . you cannot live your life like she wants to live hers!!!

This is why holidays often end friendships or at least create drama. I think I am closer to you when it comes to holidays but I do like to soak in the atmosphere of museums and places I visit without a time limit. An acquaintance I knew had a similar experience to yours although she was the friend, her travelling partner got so fed up of eating breakfast and lunch alone(she was still getting ready for the day), sightseeing alone that before the end of the holiday she flew home! My acquaintance only found out from the receptionist the next day when she couldn't get hold of her friend.

OP if you are looking for a companion on future trips I would love to go with you.

Mind you, after a day sightseeing I am generally ready for some quiet "downtime" in the evening.

Me too, @Esspee!