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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To leave my friend on her own?

197 replies

ThrowAwayQP · 28/07/2019 23:23

Long story short, a friend and I have recalled halfway across the world to a large city on holiday.

We clearly have very different ways of holidaying. I like to plan things to do, to know what train to catch, to get to places as they open and to fill every available minute with activities.. after all; we’ve paid more than £3000 for this trip!

She on the other hand is very floaty, stop every five minutes for a fag; it doesn’t matter if we don’t get this train, wants to sit down and go on her phone a lot... I can just about put up this.

But now it’s the evening; I want to get ready and go out for drinks. I’ve just spent a good half an hour convincing her we’re not just staying in and watching telly in the hotel. Now she’s decided she wants to go buy makeup; but despite me trying to drop hints I’d like to get on with it; she’s still laid on her bed flicking through her phone.

Firstly I know everyone holidays in their own way; but it be nice to know there are others like me; and secondly would I BU to just leave her (despite her protesting she doesn’t me to leave her alone) and just start getting ready?

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 30/07/2019 18:57

OP, you're both very different people with very different ideas of what a holiday is. Admittedly, I couldn't go on holiday with you, that level of planning and packing every minute into the day would be far far too stressful for me and I simply wouldn't do it. She clearly wants to relax, that doesn't mean have to. I would definitely be having a full and frank. She can lie around the pool all day if she so wishes while you go off and enjoy sightseeing. If you don't address this now, your friendship will end. You should have also had separate rooms really, then the whole shower/getting ready thing wouldn't be so stressful.

purplecorkheart · 30/07/2019 18:57

My sympathies, I am very like you and thankfully most of my friends who I have gone on holidays are the same.

I would tell your friend the night before that you are leaving the hotel at 8 am and heading to x. She is welcome to join you or she can catch up later. If she wants to stop to smoke/rest etc tell her fine but you are going to keep going and she can catch up. Do not wait or linger for her.

manicmij · 30/07/2019 19:25

Go without her. Text the name location of bar. She can use phone to navigate her way there if she can be bothered.

FelicisNox · 30/07/2019 19:27

Sounds like you are 2 very different people who should have discussed what you expected from this trip as you are clearly both very different personalities.

You're acting like she's the only one in the wrong and that's just not true.

It's great to want to experience life but you're as over the top and she is laid back.... YABVU and she clearly dreads being left alone so don't you dare.

Sit down with her, discuss the situation to ensure her behaviour isn't anxiety driven and then find a COMPROMISE... that's what being a friend is about.

You're so sure she's being the bad friend.... don't be.

Ellyess · 30/07/2019 19:37

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can only suggest you propose having one day the way you plan it and the next according to her time-scale and so alternating between her way of drifting along and your way of actually getting the best out of your holiday. I would not have coped with hanging around waiting for someone to finish a fag, so I think you are being very patient. I would definitely be at the ultimatum stage by now. "OK I'll wait five minutes then I'm going." Then go. Let her find out that she can't have her own way all the time. However, in my experience, this will only lead to her becoming sulky and making more difficulties...

It won't cheer you up to hear that, a few years after the death. of my husband, I went on holiday with a friend. A fairly expensive long-haul which I agreed to for her benefit. After that I decided I would never go away with anyone else again! Seriously! What's more, 7 years on - I have only been away on my own and have had a great time! I endured such dreadful experiences of behaviour I never dreamed other people would do when I was away with this friend.

In the end, I decided the best measure of whether a person is just marginally bearable to go on holiday with was how they used the towels and the bathroom. She used ALL the towels every day and stayed in the bathroom each morning and evening for so long that I had to take the lift to the hotel foyer and use the public loo, even when I'd just got out of bed.

So I sincerely sympathise, indeed empathise with you. It is hell. The only way to get through it and home again without a murder occurring is to drop all your expectations of doing the things you would like to do on holiday and think of it as a psychological experiment. Or a TV show where people are sent away somewhere and made to live together to see if they will kill each other. I wished I had written down all the things that happened or better still had a secret camera because I might have made some money from writing a book about it.

Going away with a friend is the worst idea I've come across for having a holiday. This one ruined everything we did. She "knew everything" but really didn't, which wasted hours and hours especially when she insisted on "knowing" the way to go all the time and was always wrong and - sorry! but I was always right (I actually do have a good sense of direction) but she would never listen to anyone else! I would have coped with going along with her some of the time, but all the time, every time we were deciding which way to go, knowing that she had never been right and I always had, but still she insisted we had to go the way she said....

Even on the long haul flight home she drew her knees up onto her seat with her bum pushed in my face and farted all the way home. She put her hand luggage at my feet and refused to move it, and made me hold her hot tea until she had finished eating.

Never, never, ever, ever, go away on a holiday with a friend.

Petlover9 · 30/07/2019 20:02

I am intrigued how your friend got halfway across the world (presumably on a plane) if she is such a dedicated smoker ?

PussGirl · 30/07/2019 20:03

My STBXH was a mixture of both your holiday styles. He would fanny about all morning, monopolise the bathroom, make us nearly late for breakfast so embarrassing every single day if we were in a hotel (he was worse if self-catering as there was no deadline) & then suddenly be ready, zooming out of the place on a tight schedule to scream into various attractions just as they were selling the last admission tickets of the day (so we'd have to rush round & miss bits) & making me feel as though I'd held him up Angry

He'd become really annoyed if I went out without him, too. Grrr.

Current DP & I have a vague plan for the holiday that is tweaked as we go along, depending on the weather, our mood, or whether something more interesting comes up.

If we really want to be somewhere or doing something on a particular day, then we get there in good time, without faffing, but not busting a gut either. We do things separately if necessary, without falling out over it. So much more relaxing!

WillowPeach · 30/07/2019 20:13

Ahh tricky one. It’s always so hard to go on holiday with people you don’t match with in terms of wishes. OH and I went on holiday with our in laws once, they’re the kind of people who like to be up at 8am ready for the day and have a full day of activities planned. We’re more of a let’s have a lie in and see where the day takes us kind of people.

In your situation I don’t think you’re neither right nor wrong, you’re both just different. Try and find a happy medium that you both can be happy with. Eg do a planned thing and then let a portion of your day be just to see where the day takes you. Personally I find it exhausting being on a schedule and constantly feeling like I’m on the clock, maybe she feels the same? I think your way of thinking is organised and wise in terms of avoiding queues, prices etc but it’s also very rigid

Rachel1874 · 30/07/2019 20:15

That would drive me mad as I like to plan and do lots of things. But I don't think you should leave her in an unknown place. Make sure she is at least staying in the hotel before you go anywhere. You don't want to have to deal with returning and she has gone out and then gets lost.

DarlingNikita · 30/07/2019 20:20

the most efficient path round the museum

This makes me want to go for a fag and miss the train, and I don’t even smoke [ grin] Me too.

She IS irritating just wanting to sit about and go on her phone though. Is she sulking about something?

In any case, I agree with pps - just say you’re heading out at x o’clock and she can come with you, join you later, or you’ll see her back at the hotel.

Minster2012 · 30/07/2019 20:29

Totally agree with most ppl. I’ve done this, joined a friend who was travelling but I went for 2 weeks so was my “holiday” & wanted to do stuff, she was in lazy traveller mode& wanted to spend all time surfing on internet when in a hotel & sleeping. Not as rigid as I but we were trying to travel a massive country in 2 weeks staying a couple of days in each city with nothing booked so a bit of organisation needed!!
We ended up having a few afternoons/mornings chilling apart (no way I’d wait for a shower) where my chilling would be exploring.
I explained I needed to eat breakfast due to medication for instance so We sat down & talked through what we were doing & when & I set my alarm, I woke her, I got ready, I had a coffee, i made sure I had something like an apple, I woke her again, gave 30 min warning whilst I bodded about. She got coffee/breakfast on the way but we had a time we were out for & I factored it in!

We talked about it, like adults, & joked!
You need to come to a compromise I’m afraid but it can be done
I was frustrated and I’m sure she was but we spoke & it worked & we had a great time

Enjoy x

MindatWork · 30/07/2019 20:37

I’m also wondering how you had no idea this is what your friend is like when you’ve evidently known her long enough and are close enough to go on a £3k holiday with her!

You obv have two very conflicting styles of ‘holidaying’ but surely this must have manifested itself at home in some way, whether on a day trip or night out.

I personally am not quite as regimented as you in that I like a certain amount of spontaneity, but I also can’t bear that kind of learned helplessness that sees grown women ‘unable’ to leave a hotel on their own because they couldn’t possibly navigate their way around and unfamiliar city Hmm

AncientStudent · 30/07/2019 20:41

"She doesn’t know the city like I do"

I'm wondering if you've taken this opportunity to 'show off' about how au fait you are with New York (or wherever you are) right down to the 'most efficient' way to walk around a museum you already know.

Because I'd be finding that tedious too.

Write a blog if you want to show off, don't boss your friend around.

YANBU to go out without her this evening.

Gilld69 · 30/07/2019 20:58

Just tell her your going . I like to stay in at night on hol my hub and family and friends just go about their business its their holiday too dont let it spoil yours

Daddylonglegs1965 · 30/07/2019 20:59

I think a compromise is definitely in order for both your sanities OP. I am a bit like both of you. I like a basic plan most days (but I am happy to tweak it as we go along or if we come across something or somewhere that wasn’t in our plan. When we went to Rome we had a frantic time most days (instigated by me) but on the last day we had a much more leisurely chilled day (instigated by me as I could tell everyone was Getting frazzled). I actually enjoyed the last day better. I don’t want to get up too early and rush if it’s a more laid back day but I am happy to get up early to avoid queues etc. I also really enjoy people watching, taking things at a slower pace or going slightly off the beaten track as I love seeing what is around the corner.
I detest waiting for people in a hot room. It’s better to agree to say we’ll have a relax and aim to be ready to go out at say 8 and you can both have/enjoy some down time before getting ready to go out. If friend isn’t ready by the time you have decided say you are going ahead to go to x bar as you are hot. You will order a drink and leave in say 15 20 minutes if she’s not there. But you are totally fine with her wanting to stay in the hotel it’s her holiday but equally it’s your holiday and you don’t want to do this.

AncientStudent · 30/07/2019 21:02

"When we went to Rome we had a frantic time most days (instigated by me) but on the last day we had a much more leisurely chilled day (instigated by me as I could tell everyone was Getting frazzled). I actually enjoyed the last day better."

I just read this and feel sorry for whoever these frazzled other people are spending their holiday dancing to your tune.

gamesanddaisychains · 30/07/2019 21:03

You would both wind me up big time, both of you are nightmare travelling companions in my opinion. I would doubt that any museum was developed (or designed) around 'the most efficient path'. I can't do with faffing about either. Where is the fun? Where is the exploration? It doesn't help that you know the city to be honest. I would think between the two of you all the joy has already been sucked out of the holiday. By all means go out for the evening alone, I think you both need a breather.

IAmBumblebee · 30/07/2019 21:12

Totally fine to do things separately - normal, even. You are both adults. But one person insisting that the other cannot do their own thing isn't okay, normal or adult. Why does she need you to babysit her? If she wants to stay in, she could enjoy a nice long bath, relax, listen to music etc. amd enjoy some peace and quiet. Go out. Do what you want! Remember, you are just as much entilted to a holiday, whatever that means to you.

IAmBumblebee · 30/07/2019 21:12

*entitled

Daddylonglegs1965 · 30/07/2019 21:21

@AncientStudent my children and my very much more laid back husband we only had a short visit and so much to see and do in Rome you have to be fairly well organised.

Aridane · 30/07/2019 21:24

Nursery parties are awful because you generally don't know the parents or child so they are awkward and boring

Aridane · 30/07/2019 21:24

Oops

Aridane · 30/07/2019 21:24

Wrong thread

Aridane · 30/07/2019 21:26

Oh goodness - I would hate to be micromanaged by you on holiday

AncientStudent · 30/07/2019 21:38

"@AncientStudent my children and my very much more laid back husband we only had a short visit and so much to see and do in Rome you have to be fairly well organised."

None of this makes me feel any less sorry for them. Least you got your way though, eh?

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