Step child doesn't want to come on holiday...

[ladders1]

Looking to book next years summer holiday abroad. Spoke to teenage step daughter about it and she doesn't want to come....we've asked her more than once and the answer has always either been 'no' or 'I dunno'. We've sort of realised 'I dunno' really means 'no' but she doesn't want to upset her dad.

Now we have found a good deal and dh wants to it booked.

Dsd is adamant she doesn't want to come and we will be booking it without her. However she is a bugger for changing her mind.

So do we do/say:

A - we book it and include dsd.

B - say to dsd 'we are booking this holiday tonight, this is the last chance to change your mind. If you don't then that's fine but we won't be changing it for you later down the line if you change your mind'

C - book it without her and be open to adding her on if she changes her mind.

I don't really want to do C. It's going to cost more, it could be that we can't book her on and I also don't think it's setting a good example at all.

Anyone think of anymore options? We do want her to come with us so much however she's growing up and doesn't really like coming to us at all now. She would rather be with her friends which we understand. She moved away a couple of years ago with her mum - about an hours drive so it's not like she can just come and go as she pleases.

She is 13, nearly 14 and her 3 other siblings (who are all younger) are coming on the holiday.

B.
She sounds like a pain in the ass.

B definitely.

Absolutely go with B. I think that's absolutely fair.

A. She’s only 13 and if her other siblings are going don’t give her the choice.

@HouseworkAvoider10 bit harsh....she's just growing up that's all.

It is a difficult age and unlikely to be fun for her with 3 younger siblings. Can you speak to her mum? Say you’ve repeatedly asked and are not excluding her, maybe she fancies a week without the other 3

B - but tell her mother

I'd do A personally but I'd want to do A

I would go for B too. And I would make sure it is sent by text so that you have written proof that she had the opportunity should that be necessary in the future.

B. It's fair to give her one last chance to change her mind, while making it clear that this really is her last chance.

I'd want to do B* I mean.

Is it a holiday she would enjoy or is it more focused on her younger siblings? It might be she would like to come but not like what you have planned. Or, she might just be being indecisive because next year is ages away at her age. I'd incline to plan for her coming to avoid stress.

A she’s 13, she doesn’t get a choice

B....to me that’s the only option. She’s had her chance. Give her a deadline and if it’s still a ‘no’ then, then fine but she needs to understand that was her choice and it won’t be changed. She’s old enough to understand that.

Where will she be if she doesn't come with you?
Are you sure their Mum will be willing to have her if you are taking all the others away?

Stepchildren have a difficult time. One of the comments here is unacceptable.

Speak to her mother! But b

B. We had to do this with DSS 3 years ago and with DS this year. DSS changes his mind nearer the time and there were a lot of tears but nothing we could do as everything had been booked. This year it’s only the Harry Potter studios but DS didn’t want to come so the rules extend to both kids and step kids. Definitely not a wicked step mother!

I would say A if you want her there, but don't tell her. Let her make her own mind up and if she decides that she really wants to come she can but sit her down and have a chat about it and make it clear that you won't keep pandering to her (can't think of a better word). Hopefully if she does go it will help you all bond x

Perfectly normal and I wouldn't say she's a pain in the arse either. She's growing up ... I'd go for B

Should of added that the other 3 dcs are mine.

Will be speaking to her mum, we are on good terms with her and she will understand where we are coming from.

We are tempted to go with A but then holidays abroad are unbelievably expensive and we can both see that she would just be grumpy.

But then when we go without her....we know 100% she will be grumpy so we can't win!

Definitely B.
She's old enough to understand and once booked it's booked no trying to add her on at extra costs etc. She also needs to see her decisions have consequences and if she does change her mind last minute then it's too late.

whats the cost of A?

I'd do A. This age is tricky for holidays anyway but I think she might change her mind (or her mum might tell her she has to go). I certainly wouldn't do B without chatting to her mum first.

adders1 Fri 26-Jul-19 14:50:39
@HouseworkAvoider10 bit harsh....she's just growing up that's all.

And old enough to have better manners and give a straight answer when she is asked by a parent.