Step child doesn't want to come on holiday...

[ladders1]

Looking to book next years summer holiday abroad. Spoke to teenage step daughter about it and she doesn't want to come....we've asked her more than once and the answer has always either been 'no' or 'I dunno'. We've sort of realised 'I dunno' really means 'no' but she doesn't want to upset her dad.

Now we have found a good deal and dh wants to it booked.

Dsd is adamant she doesn't want to come and we will be booking it without her. However she is a bugger for changing her mind.

So do we do/say:

A - we book it and include dsd.

B - say to dsd 'we are booking this holiday tonight, this is the last chance to change your mind. If you don't then that's fine but we won't be changing it for you later down the line if you change your mind'

C - book it without her and be open to adding her on if she changes her mind.

I don't really want to do C. It's going to cost more, it could be that we can't book her on and I also don't think it's setting a good example at all.

Anyone think of anymore options? We do want her to come with us so much however she's growing up and doesn't really like coming to us at all now. She would rather be with her friends which we understand. She moved away a couple of years ago with her mum - about an hours drive so it's not like she can just come and go as she pleases.

She is 13, nearly 14 and her 3 other siblings (who are all younger) are coming on the holiday.

I’d go with A and see how it plays out, they change their mind as often as they chance the channel at that age. OP you sound like an awesome SM.

Also to people saying we would leave her at home and where will she be while we are away....she will be with her mother. She only comes to us eow now if that.

As for how much...I'm not going to say. To some it might not be a lot of money, to others it will be. If I say how much it will just strike a debate on what some think is and isn't expensive and 'it's not a huge amount of money to lose'

As long as her mum is happy to have her while you are away then I'd leave her at home. Talk to her mum, let her chat to sd and ask her one last time. If she's still a definite no, then that's it - no chance to be added in future months, and at least she and her mum can't complain next year when ye are heading off.

I would go with a, if her parents are willing to force her to go. Sh will probably love it once she is there.

At that age I wasn’t given an option for family holidays. And if the worst thing she can say about you is your forced her to sit by a pool with her step siblings, you are doing ok😊.

@applepieicecream Yes she does! She can stay with her mum. And 13 is old enough to decide how she wants to spend her own holidays.

Why doesn't she want to go?
That's what would sway it for me.

It could be that she finds the holidays with you are focused round the other 3, or she feels left out. If that's the case, then excluding her (even though she's said to do so) will make her feel worse.

it could be that she doesn't want to go away-one of my dc is very much a home bod and would prefer to stay at home in almost any circumstances. They'd be happier to stay, and wouldn't appreciate being forced to go.

Or could be she worries about leaving her mum alone.

It may be that just the sort of holidays you have are not what she enjoys, and that's fine. My parents' ideal holiday includes lots of mountain climbing and finding the most deserted beach and walking 2 miles along it to find the most deserted part. Not my ideal.

I'd probably say B, although in real terms if she did change her mind, I'd probably see about adding her-although with the knowledge it might not be possible.

I would respect what shes saying now and not push her. There is more than likely a reason why she doesn't want to go (would she be ok with leaving her mum for that long?)

My ds does not want to go with his dad and partner and their kids as he wants to go with me and my partner but does not know how to tell his dad as hes afraid of hurting their feelings. If she changes her mind add her on later.

I'd definitely go with B.

I'd do A. And tell her that she's part of your family, she's booked on the holiday and you'd like her to come.

Don't force her at the time if she absolutely 100% wants to go, however I'd rather spend the money and risk it wasted than risk a hormonal teenager feeling upset because they made a bad decision on a bad day.

At least this way next year and following years you can say "We gave you a good chance to change your mind so this time we're not wasting that money" just in case it's a feeling pushed out by your kids type thing (not saying you are - sometimes teens have daft notions about being unwanted).

Modified A. You book everyone, don't tell her either way, stop talking about it. See where she is next year. She's 13, not 17, and there's a lot going on.

As for how much...I'm not going to say. To some it might not be a lot of money, to others it will be. If I say how much it will just strike a debate on what some think is and isn't expensive and 'it's not a huge amount of money to lose'

Completely agree with you OP and that's not the point. Am afraid you're getting stepmum bashed a bit here and it's not fair. She has to learn that the world doesn't revolve around her.

We got stung for a cancelled deposit last year when eldest stepson decided he couldn't make the holiday we'd booked for all the kids. We had already checked out the dates with him and he said he was ok to come, and then realised 'oh wait.....I have a university interview' (which he knew about before the booking but was just a bit slack in checking the dates out). Doesn't matter whether its £10 or £1000 I hate throwing money away but aside from that just make a bloody decision FFS and stick to it!

"Good point about booking it with her and not telling her"

So she hasn't been included in any discussions?

Admittedly a bit difficult if you only see her eow, but maybe she feels a bit like an add-on to something that you are all doing as a family?

How does she get on with your kids Op?

Will she be able to have time with just her dad if she wants?

I'd go with A.
Let her mother know that you've have booked the space.
If the DSD decides that she doesn't want to go, she doesn't go however can't whine later on that she wasn't included....

B

Personally I'd go with B but I'd want DP to have a chat with DSD and ask why she doesn't want to go. There must be an underlying reason as to why she doesn't want to go with you all.

Do you treat her differently to your DC? She'll be at an age where she will really pick up on these things.

@diddl she's been involved in every discussion! As I've said, we always get the same answer. She gets on with our half siblings great but as she's getting older, she isn't too bothered about seeing them or us which we understand. She's got boyfriends and all sorts going on now. She's extremely popular at school and her social life is everything. I think her main reason for not wanting to come is being away from friends in all honesty

Is it during his parenting time?

Is there any potential conflict? An example, my dd has an activity every summer that she loves and we don’t get the exact dates until February so we plan no travel during a certain window until we know the dates.

If it’s his parenting time and there is no conflict, I would do A.

I would want to do A but would probably do B.

A - she might change her mind 100 times before the holiday - but you would be consistant in showing her she is welcome and you hope she decides to come.

A - dont make her make the decision now- this is a year away...far to far ahead for a teenage brain to comprehend.... she probably struggles to know what she wants to do tomorrow/next week never mind next year

much as I love holidays and holiday planning i too would struggle with booking that far ahead......

book it, tell her mum to pencil that week in her calender and then leave it and talk about it with her nearer the time -
or
if the cost of paying now vs paying the extra cost it would be a lot then book her - if it wont cost much to add her then don't book it....

C but get her to contribute towards the additional cost?

A. She’s 13. Teenagers are prone to be ingrates. DS(15) gets no choice unless he wants to go and stays with Granny which he doesn’t want to do either. I hazard a guess that her mum would rather she went on holiday with you for a week or two for a change of scenery at the very least.

B - my df had this problem with her sd. The sd later changed her mind, but my df said no, it’s booked you can’t just change your mind. She tried it with her dad, but he didn’t back down.

"A - she might change her mind 100 times before the holiday - but you would be consistant in showing her she is welcome and you hope she decides to come."

Definitely this...even if she ends up not coming she will always remember she was included..

I'm with sansou although I'd be tempted to have a conversation with her DM about it just to see if she knows if there's any reason other than being 13 that is making her not want to come.