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Original poster

Step child doesn't want to come on holiday...

200 replies

ladders1 · 26/07/2019 14:47

Looking to book next years summer holiday abroad. Spoke to teenage step daughter about it and she doesn't want to come....we've asked her more than once and the answer has always either been 'no' or 'I dunno'. We've sort of realised 'I dunno' really means 'no' but she doesn't want to upset her dad.

Now we have found a good deal and dh wants to it booked.

Dsd is adamant she doesn't want to come and we will be booking it without her. However she is a bugger for changing her mind.

So do we do/say:

A - we book it and include dsd.

B - say to dsd 'we are booking this holiday tonight, this is the last chance to change your mind. If you don't then that's fine but we won't be changing it for you later down the line if you change your mind'

C - book it without her and be open to adding her on if she changes her mind.

I don't really want to do C. It's going to cost more, it could be that we can't book her on and I also don't think it's setting a good example at all.

Anyone think of anymore options? We do want her to come with us so much however she's growing up and doesn't really like coming to us at all now. She would rather be with her friends which we understand. She moved away a couple of years ago with her mum - about an hours drive so it's not like she can just come and go as she pleases.

She is 13, nearly 14 and her 3 other siblings (who are all younger) are coming on the holiday.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/07/2019 14:57

Definitely B. You're offering her the chance to go. It's totally up to her to decide. She's old enough to learn than you can't just chop and change your mind when other people's plans (and money) are affected.

whodoyoufollow · 26/07/2019 14:58

I'd go with A personally but that's my choice she's just testing the waters, least you won't feel so bad she can't chuck it back in your face then. Good luck love the teenager phrase....Smile

Passwordz · 26/07/2019 14:58

For next year? A...

zafferana · 26/07/2019 14:58

Actually, I'm going to change to: (D) Call her DM and have a chat with her before you do anything.

I was that dreaded DSD at the age of 13 (not that I got a choice about going on holiday with my dad - I went and that was that!). I do think though that when the time comes she will quite possibly feel left out and actually quite devastated if you force her to choose now with no possibility to change her mind. She's 13, which is a hard age for any girl, in particular one with a blended family. I'd err on the side of tolerance for her foibles.

SummerInTheVillage · 26/07/2019 15:00

B. It has to be.

BBBear · 26/07/2019 15:02

How much does A cost?

I’m erring towards telling her to go as she is only 13... 15 i’d Probably let her choose.

lmusic87 · 26/07/2019 15:02

She is still young, sad to think a thirteen year old doesn't want to be included.

Cuppa12345 · 26/07/2019 15:04

Money shouldn't come into it. You'll be paying if she wants to come and I think, as another PP suspects, she's testing the water and probably being a martyr about it. Some weird unconscious test to see what you'll do. 13 isn't old enough to check out of family time and if you allow her, then she'll probably interpret it that she doesn't matter in your family unit. Especially if the only reason for not doing A is saving her ticket price.

If it was one of your own kids, aged 13, would you get someone to look after them for a week?

MichelleC69 · 26/07/2019 15:05

B - why would you pay for a holiday for her if she's just going to be miserable and ruin it for everyone else?

SciFiScream · 26/07/2019 15:05

I'd do A. Include her, pay for her and if she doesn't come then perhaps you could pay for a name change and you bring someone in her place.

At 13 DSD might change her mind several times between now and the holiday, being included but with choice should make her feel loved, respected, included.

A. Definitely A. Because if she wasn't unsure, she'd be going and you'd have to budget for it anyway.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 26/07/2019 15:06

I'd go B OP.

For our holiday just past, DSD1 wanted to come and DSD2 didn't, so we agreed to take her a day out instead. We said that she could change her mind up until we booked but after that we couldn't change it and it worked fine.

I didn't want to force her to come and have her feeling miserable, but didn't want to exclude her either. So it seemed the fairest option for everyone.

MyDcAreMarvel · 26/07/2019 15:07

A you would leave your own 13 year old at home.

Cuppa12345 · 26/07/2019 15:07

How old InTheHeat? 13?

ithinkiammelting · 26/07/2019 15:08

What's the price difference between A and B?

And I second talking to her mum first.

TSSDNCOP · 26/07/2019 15:10

If A only means paying the deposit and then dropping her from the booking later I’d do that.

RubbingHimSourly · 26/07/2019 15:11

B. It's a good chance for her to learn a life lesson that may end up stinging slightly.

I've had to do this with my DD a few times. Yes, her choices have bit her on the arse a few times but she's learned the universe doesn't revolve around her along the way.

B. And stick with B.

FieryBiscuits14 · 26/07/2019 15:11

I'd go with b. My own dd is the same age and she's old enough to make that choice.

My own stepkids are given way too much choice about whether they even come and stay with us for weekends so it's really refreshing to read you have a good relation ship with both her and her mum.

Oysterbabe · 26/07/2019 15:12

She's 13, if you tell her she's going then she goes. Do you give your own children a choice about everywhere they go?

MaintainTheMolehill · 26/07/2019 15:12

I would tell her she's going because you all love her and can't imagine going on holiday without her. Tell her if she doesn't like it she can sit by the pool with her phone.
It's such a tricky age, I have a 13 year old boy who still enjoys holidays with us but is such a moan and his face is always tripping him but you need to zone out and ignore it. Speak to her Mum to back you both up.

Original poster
ladders1 · 26/07/2019 15:14

Good point about booking it with her and not telling her...we hadn't thought of that. I'll mention that to dh.

I totally get she's not old enough to decide. We've looked at so many hotels in the area we want to go too and found one that definitely suits all. We've shown her the hotel and everything that she will love but it was still a no.

It's not necessarily the money. We've saved and we can afford to take her. It's the mood she will more than likely be in if we do A. We went away for a few days earlier in the year and she spent id say 70% of the time sulking over something. If she genuinely doesn't want to come then we don't want to force her.

Dh is going to ring her mum - we would never do A or B or even C without consulting her.

OP posts:
Original poster
ladders1 · 26/07/2019 15:16

@TSSDNCOP another good point, don't think dh has even looked at the deposit as we just want to pay it in full. Thanks

OP posts:
InTheHeatofLisbon · 26/07/2019 15:16

Cuppa12345

DSD1 is 15 and DSD2 is 14.

GrouchoMrx · 26/07/2019 15:17

@HouseworkAvoider10, what a horrible thing to say.

MichelleC69 · 26/07/2019 15:17

A you would leave your own 13 year old at home.

She's hardly leaving her home alone at the age of 13 FFS!

Asta19 · 26/07/2019 15:18

I’m a little surprised so many people would force her to go on the holiday. I have 2 DC and from the age of about 12 I’ve taken them on separate holidays because they like very different things. They had the choice and they preferred a bi-annual holiday (they took turns) to somewhere they really wanted to go, rather than annual holidays that one of them would end up not enjoying. We spent all our time at home as a family! We didn’t need to do it on holiday too. So I would go with option B.

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