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Original poster

Step child doesn't want to come on holiday...

200 replies

ladders1 · 26/07/2019 14:47

Looking to book next years summer holiday abroad. Spoke to teenage step daughter about it and she doesn't want to come....we've asked her more than once and the answer has always either been 'no' or 'I dunno'. We've sort of realised 'I dunno' really means 'no' but she doesn't want to upset her dad.

Now we have found a good deal and dh wants to it booked.

Dsd is adamant she doesn't want to come and we will be booking it without her. However she is a bugger for changing her mind.

So do we do/say:

A - we book it and include dsd.

B - say to dsd 'we are booking this holiday tonight, this is the last chance to change your mind. If you don't then that's fine but we won't be changing it for you later down the line if you change your mind'

C - book it without her and be open to adding her on if she changes her mind.

I don't really want to do C. It's going to cost more, it could be that we can't book her on and I also don't think it's setting a good example at all.

Anyone think of anymore options? We do want her to come with us so much however she's growing up and doesn't really like coming to us at all now. She would rather be with her friends which we understand. She moved away a couple of years ago with her mum - about an hours drive so it's not like she can just come and go as she pleases.

She is 13, nearly 14 and her 3 other siblings (who are all younger) are coming on the holiday.

OP posts:
Ninkaninus · 27/07/2019 10:23

I think you’ve absolutely done the right thing. You’re considered it carefully, you cared enough to post here for comments and advice, and you’ve discussed it with her mum. I can also tell that you are a caring and empathic stepmum and that you want to be nice to her and do the right thing for her.

So there is absolutely no need to feel guilty! It’s nobody’s business when you want to book your holiday (plenty of people book holidays way in advance - it’s not some odd unheard-of aberration), nor do you have to feel bad for not wanting to take a friend along. I would not take someone else’s child on holiday abroad. It just wouldn’t happen, because I am not comfortable having that kind of responsibility.

SaraNade · 27/07/2019 10:26

OP, you may want to book now, as an adult, but most parents know it's not actually feasible to book a year in advance when you have children. Parenting 101. You sound as if you've never had children before. Because you seem to not understand as I said, that parents know that it is impossible to book that far ahead. When the kids have flown the nest, yeah, sure. But it doesn't take a brain surgeon to see that organising something like that a year away is crazy. To be fair, I think you are handling things with DSD very well actually. Just that I like most am scratching my head wondering why you think it is possibly a good idea. Parents just don't do that. Single or empty nesters or retired, not parents of young kids. Lol I guess as things change for all of you in the year, you'll come to realise why people warned you against it. And learn from experience.

Ninkaninus · 27/07/2019 10:29

Uhm I know plenty of parents of children of all ages who book holidays well in advance. Confused

It is possible that other people do things differently to you, you know.

hsegfiugseskufh · 27/07/2019 10:30

OP, you may want to book now, as an adult, but most parents know it's not actually feasible to book a year in advance when you have children. Parenting 101. You sound as if you've never had children before

Funny because weve always booked a year ahead with no problems. Certainly not impossible. Its what most people do!

What a weird view of things!

Ninkaninus · 27/07/2019 10:32

Some people just aren’t able to understand that their little corner of the world is not representative of everyone else in the world.

SaraNade · 27/07/2019 10:32

Lol if you have kids especially pre-teen to teen, you know things can change quickly. Most people do not book a year ahead, because with kids as I said, it isn't really feasible. That's just common sense.

hsegfiugseskufh · 27/07/2019 10:33

saranade i do as it goes....

Its not common sense at all. Some of us dont let our children entirely dictate our lives...

tigerlily111 · 27/07/2019 10:36

Most 13yr olds don't get the choice whether to go on holiday with their family or not.
By giving her a choice you are sending the message that she is less part of the family than your other dc

Ninkaninus · 27/07/2019 10:36

Maybe most people you know. But It’s really not unusual at all. People accept that things may change but take that chance because it’s likely they won’t. And in fact if illness/whatever happens, then good travel insurance should cover many eventualities, so you won’t lose out too much.

surreysnapper · 27/07/2019 10:43

So she's 13, will be 14 next year?

What is the age gap between her and her step-siblings.

Would it be possible for her to bring a best friend with her next year - that might well make the hokuday more enjoyable.

speaking from experience, my teen is very socially awkward at 14 and making friends on holiday was out of the question (not an issue in earlier years) and in hindsight it would have made the holiday more enjoyable to have his best friend with him. And this is something we will be doing next year when he will be 15.

AE18 · 27/07/2019 10:55

@tigerlily111 there were lots of treats I said no to as a teenager, and my parents were together. I was left behind. This is nothing to do with her being a step child, it's about giving teenagers freedom of choice.

hsegfiugseskufh · 27/07/2019 11:01

By giving her a choice you are sending the message that she is less part of the family than your other dc

Ah yes forcing a child to do something they really dont want to do really shows you care Hmm

Cautionsharpblade · 27/07/2019 11:02

I’d work out how much it would cost to take her on holiday and offer her the cash instead. As a grumpy teenager I’d be bloody delighted.

Ellisandra · 27/07/2019 11:34

@ladders1 but that doesn’t sound like a treat for her at all, really. You said it yourself - all she wants is WiFi.
She doesn’t do activities, and prefers to spend all her time shopping and doing her make up and chatting to her friends.
I have one a similar age, though she loves active trips, but also the phone thing - so I’m not being snide!

I do think you’ve made the right decision, but I think you have to remember that this being abroad and costing you a lot of money DOESN’T make it a treat for her.

You didn’t say whether her dad was going to make 1:1 holiday plans with her instead. That would be more of a treat.

Ninkaninus · 27/07/2019 11:36

Yes I agree - maybe if she does go along try to have him take her out on her own for a bit on one or two of the days. She will appreciate that a lot, I’m sure.

swingofthings · 27/07/2019 12:10

I'm really surprised that it would seem that only one poster has a tuslly suggested talking to her to better understand why she doesn't wa t to go. It's so easy to say either you go and shut up or fine, we don't need you to enjoy our holiday.

The most likely scenario which explains her 'not sure' response is that she'd indeed love to go on holiday with her dad but doesn't want to go where everything would be geared at the youngest kids. On the other hand, with 23 younger ones, it's understandable that the choice of holidays/activities will be more geared at what makes them happy.

Has her dad spoken to her on his own? Could be take her away at another , if not for a week maybe for 4 or 5 days where they could do something she enjoys? It's nothing to do with being separated. My colleague has a now 16 yo when she was 18 which her now husband adopted when she was 8yo. They went on to have 3 kids, a boy and two twin girls who are now 5 and 6. She's been taking her daughter away for long weekends since she was 14, going to festivals and concerts. She has just gone away with her for a week in Spain. She understands that a holiday with the little ones (who she adores) is not much fun for her but she still wants a holiday with her mum.

Thehop · 27/07/2019 12:11

B

Livelovebehappy · 27/07/2019 12:15

Definitely B. Irrelevant really that she’s SC. Treat her as you would with your own - go with B, obviously check child care is in place with her DM. She’s a teen, but has to accept there’s consequences to her decision.

Livelovebehappy · 27/07/2019 12:25

Actually just noticed she’s 13. Would definitely book her on the holiday. I never checked with my early teen DCs whether they wanted to come on holiday. I booked and they would have to come whether happy or not. The reality is you wouldn’t do anything or go anywhere if you followed the instructions of a young teen, because they pretty much like to try to control and push boundaries at that age.

Kokeshi123 · 27/07/2019 15:54

but most parents know it's not actually feasible to book a year in advance when you have children. Parenting 101.

?!? Er, why? Lots and lots of people book well in advance. It saves money.

NonTraditionalFeelings · 27/07/2019 16:09

I'd say you need to drill down into why she's doesn't want to come and address that first. Maybe she's feeling pushed out or unwelcome. Maybe her siblings drive her potty. She's 13, talk to her.

Alsohuman · 27/07/2019 16:18

Having endured a sulking 14 year old for a fortnight in Italy, I’d take her at her word and leave her at home. If she changes her mind it’s tough. Learning to deal with the consequences of your decisions is a good life lesson.

zonkin · 27/07/2019 16:27

She is 13, not 16. You and your DH should be making the decision. I presume that the resort has WiFi? So she will be happy. So what if she doesn't want to join in every single activity? In a family with a wide range of ages, that's just the way it goes. Moody teenagers are par for the course, and once there she might actually join in with things a bit more than you anticipate.

I think that if you leave her behind then she would feel extremely hurt and not part of your blended family. No matter what she says to your face.

SaraNade · 28/07/2019 12:05

I think people are forgetting that the OP has said that this girl is 13 but almost 14. Now.

So at the time of the trip, which is an ENTIRE YEAR AWAY, she will be 14, and ALMOST 15. She will be definitely old enough at almost fifteen years old, to have a say. Surely. Hmm

Aprillygirl · 28/07/2019 13:01

I would have thought it quite obvious that you should speak to her mum, who knows her best, and go along with what she advises. She will know more than anyone why your dsd doesn't want to go away with you and whether she is likely to change her mind.

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