Step child doesn't want to come on holiday...

[ladders1]

Looking to book next years summer holiday abroad. Spoke to teenage step daughter about it and she doesn't want to come....we've asked her more than once and the answer has always either been 'no' or 'I dunno'. We've sort of realised 'I dunno' really means 'no' but she doesn't want to upset her dad.

Now we have found a good deal and dh wants to it booked.

Dsd is adamant she doesn't want to come and we will be booking it without her. However she is a bugger for changing her mind.

So do we do/say:

A - we book it and include dsd.

B - say to dsd 'we are booking this holiday tonight, this is the last chance to change your mind. If you don't then that's fine but we won't be changing it for you later down the line if you change your mind'

C - book it without her and be open to adding her on if she changes her mind.

I don't really want to do C. It's going to cost more, it could be that we can't book her on and I also don't think it's setting a good example at all.

Anyone think of anymore options? We do want her to come with us so much however she's growing up and doesn't really like coming to us at all now. She would rather be with her friends which we understand. She moved away a couple of years ago with her mum - about an hours drive so it's not like she can just come and go as she pleases.

She is 13, nearly 14 and her 3 other siblings (who are all younger) are coming on the holiday.

Can she bring a friend?

Absolutely do not do A - unless you have money to burn.

I would do B.

I think I might go with A and not tell her.

It's a year away and she could so easily change her mind

Is there any chance she could bring a friend as I can imagine it's not great to be the step/half sibling of 3 others who share the same parents.

Until she is 15 do A.

Also your DH needs to tell her mum that he expects her to go on holiday with you all until that age.

So when she is 16 and doesn't give a straight answer, you can tell her straight she isn't going.

It's hard because a year from now she migth feel differently - friendship groups can radically change over a school year and she might find she would actually like a holiday by then/or her friends are all away at the same time so she's not missing anything.
Another possibility (and obviously this may be out of budget) could she invite a friend her own age to come with her ? I can see that for a teen caught between two adults and younger sibs might not look like much fun, she might think she's going to be forced into doing young kids stuff to accomodate the little ones.

I'd try to keep options open as much as possible. It sounds like you have a good relationship, and good communication with her Mum - it's definitely not worth risking that by being authoritarian just for the sake of it.

@Janedoughnut like children who have younger full-siblings she needs to suck it up. We can't all get what we want all the time.

Those of you who say you would "force" a 13/14 year old girl to go on holiday with you - can you explain what you mean?

Do you think you would be able to use physical restraint on her?

Why would imposing your will on her be so important that you would consider such drastic action?

A large % of teenagers would not wish to holiday with their family/blended family. I can remember ruining one in spectacular fashion. It really isn't fair on the rest of the family to try and bully DSD into going. Why shouldn't her wishes be respected - nobody will be hurt unlike if she is put in a straight jacket

Can she bring a friend?

^This.
I know best friends change a lot at this age, but maybe if she had another teen with her that would make it more appealing to her and easier for you.

I think people mean she would not get a choice if her mother and father were still together and the 3 younger ones were her siblings ( not step/half siblings) ie mum dad and 4 kids all six of them living together full time then she would not be able to stay home unless a grandparent took her as she would be going with mum and dad
in a larger family 1 person can't veto a holiday for the other 5.
I was the eldest of 5 kids we went away once a year for a holiday my parents choose that was hopefully ok for all of us, but some half days / days would be geared more towards younger ones others the older ones but staying home was never an option
but because she normally lives with her mum not her dad staying home is an option

in this situation I would discuss with her mum and say you need a final decision within a week so she has time to discuss with both her mum and dad zbut once decision is made it is made

I would go with B but I'd make it very clear during the discussion that you all really want her to go.

A - she's a child, she doesn't get to make those sorts of decisions.

She is 13
So it doesnt matter what she wants
She is coming on this holiday

A or B but agree have a chat with her mom first

Book it for her, she doesn't mean it!

Yes, I’d probably say go with A. It also depends on what her mum thinks - it may be that her holiday time with you is precious time for her mum to do the things she can’t usually do when her daughter is around.

O wait
If she isnt coming; she is staying with her mum!

In that case
She makes her choice today before 9pm or whatever and then book accordingly
And make it clear to her that if she opts out: she is not coming when she changes her mind
😊

Can she bring a friend?

Nightmare, would hate to have to look after someone elses child as well as 4 of my own on holiday, I wouldn't properly be able to relax either with a child who wasn't mine being there

B but I'd film it on your phone and tell her it's her last chance and if she complains about being left out nearer the time, you will play it back to her.

I think a lot of people are being harsh, and have forgotten what it’s like to be 13/14.

I would book her a place and I’d be willing to take the hit if she didn’t want to go in the end.

A

If she wasn't a stepchild (or was a stepchild who lived with you fulltime) you wouldn't be giving her a choice

At 13 they would be coming with me

If she didn’t get the week away would you be able to make up the time with her at other times?

I think I would do B with the support of her mother.

Just a thought, but there’s nothing she’s worried about leaving at her mum’s house is there?

@Ninkaninus at 13/14 you don't have the choice of not going on holiday if your parents decide you are going. At 16+ if you are sensible you get the option.

In the OP case if the SD doesn't go on holiday her mum will have to look after her. This will be an extra childcare hassle for her mum as while the girl may be a sensible kid you can't just let 13/14 year olds run wild.

So it's either tell the DS she is going, or inform her mum of her decision so the mother makes the decision for her.

If she wasn't a stepchild (or was a stepchild who lived with you fulltime) you wouldn't be giving her a choice

Yes but she is a stepchild so has the option of still being with a parent if she doesn't go, why force her to go if she really wouldn't enjoy it?

I’d just do A and then revisit whether she wants to come nearer the time , if she does then she has the option , if she doesn’t you have an extra seat on the plane to spread into and it will cost you less when you are actually away .