Step child doesn't want to come on holiday...

[ladders1]

Looking to book next years summer holiday abroad. Spoke to teenage step daughter about it and she doesn't want to come....we've asked her more than once and the answer has always either been 'no' or 'I dunno'. We've sort of realised 'I dunno' really means 'no' but she doesn't want to upset her dad.

Now we have found a good deal and dh wants to it booked.

Dsd is adamant she doesn't want to come and we will be booking it without her. However she is a bugger for changing her mind.

So do we do/say:

A - we book it and include dsd.

B - say to dsd 'we are booking this holiday tonight, this is the last chance to change your mind. If you don't then that's fine but we won't be changing it for you later down the line if you change your mind'

C - book it without her and be open to adding her on if she changes her mind.

I don't really want to do C. It's going to cost more, it could be that we can't book her on and I also don't think it's setting a good example at all.

Anyone think of anymore options? We do want her to come with us so much however she's growing up and doesn't really like coming to us at all now. She would rather be with her friends which we understand. She moved away a couple of years ago with her mum - about an hours drive so it's not like she can just come and go as she pleases.

She is 13, nearly 14 and her 3 other siblings (who are all younger) are coming on the holiday.

Cola actually I don’t think you speak for every family situation and every set of parents and children, do you? I know many variations of family/step family/extended family (my own included) where a young teenager would be allowed that choice

In any case, she is a step child and so her situation means that she can, in fact, be given that choice. Which her parent and step parent have done, so I don’t know why you think it’s up to you.

A.

at 13/14 you don't have the choice of not going on holiday if your parents decide you are going. At 16+ if you are sensible you get the option.

Not the case in every family. DS1 announced he didn't want to come next year and wanted to stay with my dad instead. Dad happens to be going on holiday that week and wants to take DS1, so they're going together.

I put my foot down with my kids when it matters (respect, manners, school etc) but I'm not in the business of forcing them to go to places because I want to.

I would just discuss the options with her mum. She might desperately want a week without her for work or break reasons. Is allowing her to bring a friend along an option? What if mum contributed to the cost of a friend?

I'd book her a place. She's part of the family.

I think you a bit UR. It seems along way off to decide now for a teenager, good deal or no good deal. Speak to her DM first & take your time.

Give her the choice but involve her mum .
please don't just book it and make her go it doesn't sound personal just she's growing up and doesn't want to go.
If you are worried about her feeling left out you could offer to pay for something for her or give her a few hundred £

rwalker OP has already said they would involve DSDs mum in discussions.

A.
She's 13. Of course she can't tell how she's going to feel next summer.

I would accept she didn't want to come (she's voting with her feet at the weekends anyway, from the sound of it) and I'd probably give her some money for clothes instead. Sounds like she'd prefer that to a holiday.

I don't want to come across as a mean step mum here but I'm defo saying no to a friend for a few reasons....

• We don't know any of her friends properly so don't know what they are like and very much doubt any parent would let their child go abroad with a family they don't know - I mentioned it previously that she lives an hour away from us.

• dsd has had sleep overs in in the past and brought a friend to us for a weekend. Usually by the next late morning/afternoon they have had enough of each other. The last time we took just the friend back early as the atmosphere was awful. I dread to think how a whole week would go.

• don't want to sound selfish here but I wouldn't enjoy that! I'd spend my whole holiday wondering if this child was ok being on a holiday abroad with a family they barely know. I'd spend the whole time making sure they were happy.

Sorry if that doesn't make me sound good but I don't think it's really ideal for us.

Since starting the thread dh has rang her mum. She already knows we are booking a holiday. They both spoke to dsd and asked her again if she wanted to go and it was a firm no. The mother asked why and she said she would prefer to spend the week at home doing what she wants to do. Her mother said 'if dad books it then that's that, you can't change your mind' and dad said that was fine.

Still think she may change her mind but we are not mentioning it anymore. Dh is going to look at booking it tonight and paying just the deposit and see what happens.

She is 13 and doesn’t get the choice. A. Wouldn’t give her the option in the first place.

@Janedoughnut like children who have younger full-siblings she needs to suck it up. We can't all get what we want all the time.

ColaFreezePop. No we can't but we can show a little empathy to a child in a blended family who's maybe feeling left out.

I think you’ve handled it really well OP.

You don’t sound awful at all for not wanting a friend to come on a holiday - it would change the entire dynamic for you!

So she hasn't been included in any discussions?

There must be an underlying reason as to why she doesn't want to go with you all.

Oh, here we go. Some people desperately trying to find reasons that it’s in some way the wicked stepmothers fault. Thought it was too good to be true. ☹️

@Janedoughnut - ahh that shit again.

Anyway OP has sorted it.

B, no question. She can have control over her own plans for the holiday but she doesn't get to take control of yours.

Speak with her mum first, of course.

Make it clear that once the booking has been made it won't be changed, give DSD a day or so to consider her answer and if she still doesn't want to go then book just for yourself, your husband and the younger children

As for those talking about choice....this is the problem! She has too much choice and she's used to it now.

She decides if she's coming or not on weekends. There's been times when we have plans and we want to go as a family and she will say she's having a sleepover or something and she can't come.

My mum and dad we're together when I was a child and I wouldn't of had a choice. I would of gone. Same as my dcs. So I get what you are all saying.

But she's in a very different situation to how I was or my dcs are. I try to be as understanding as I can be. Also her social life is massively important to her. She can't miss anything and gets very upset if she has too. Which is what this all boils down too really. We want to go the first week of summer hols next year and she's done a lot of social stuff this week. She doesn't want to miss that next year - which she won't admit too but I'm 100% sure that's the issue.

I certainly would not have had a choice when was 13 whether I went on a family holiday, but I wasn't in a blended family situation.

However, I can imagine the outcry on here if OP had said they were booking a holiday without DD, and without consulting her.

The problem is with a teen, they are not always reasonable. At the moment she is adamant she doesn't want to go and knows that is her choice. Come next year, she may still not want to go but I can imagine a few "well I can't come anyway as you didn't book for me' even though she knows why she wasn't booked on the holiday!

Step children always have a choice, theres always a different home to go to if your planning something..... I'd make it clear that once its booked it's tough luck.... I planned and booked a holiday for the family last year... paid for step daughter... she refused to go after I paid out..... she just stayed at home with her mother... It was me that was over 400 pound out of pocket... like you said my son doesnt have the choice but children from separated families do have the choice

I wouldn’t really give her a choice at that age.

B , the world doesn't revolve around her. She has to say that she's either coming or not, not mess you about. Shes not 5.

B. Definitely

I'd discuss it with her mother as far as you & DH choosing either option A or B so her mother has the full picture and knows it's her decision and not that she's being 'pushed out'. Perhaps her mother can talk to her and let her know it's her decision but that she needs to decide and then speak up, no one is going to be angry either way.

My eldest son started 'pulling away' from our family holidays when he was around 15 because he wanted to be with friends rather than his parents and little brother. Rather than tote around a cranky teenager he was given the option to stay with my parents, which is what he chose to do. He had fun with his friends going to the beach or the lake and we had fun in our RV at the National Parks. Win/win.

I do think now that he regrets a wee bit not coming with us on a couple of them, but it was his decision.

For the people saying ‘A’, maybe the OP can’t afford to spend the money just in case the DSD chooses to come. My definite choice would be B as I mentioned earlier as I wouldn’t pay anything for someone who I wasn’t sure was coming. It would be easy for the OP to make it clear to DSD that she’s invited by talking to her, the mum and through texts (so there are records) There is no need to spend the money to prove love as clearly the OP does care, the DSD is just being a typical flaky teenager.