Step child doesn't want to come on holiday...

[ladders1]

Looking to book next years summer holiday abroad. Spoke to teenage step daughter about it and she doesn't want to come....we've asked her more than once and the answer has always either been 'no' or 'I dunno'. We've sort of realised 'I dunno' really means 'no' but she doesn't want to upset her dad.

Now we have found a good deal and dh wants to it booked.

Dsd is adamant she doesn't want to come and we will be booking it without her. However she is a bugger for changing her mind.

So do we do/say:

A - we book it and include dsd.

B - say to dsd 'we are booking this holiday tonight, this is the last chance to change your mind. If you don't then that's fine but we won't be changing it for you later down the line if you change your mind'

C - book it without her and be open to adding her on if she changes her mind.

I don't really want to do C. It's going to cost more, it could be that we can't book her on and I also don't think it's setting a good example at all.

Anyone think of anymore options? We do want her to come with us so much however she's growing up and doesn't really like coming to us at all now. She would rather be with her friends which we understand. She moved away a couple of years ago with her mum - about an hours drive so it's not like she can just come and go as she pleases.

She is 13, nearly 14 and her 3 other siblings (who are all younger) are coming on the holiday.

She's 13, why is she getting a choice? 17 or 18 sure but 13?

Much younger siblings she doesn't see very often might not make good holiday company for her though, OP how well does she actually know them (are they step-siblings or half-siblings that she's seen grow up).

If you can just put a deposit down that would be best, she may change her mind (or she might not!). Have you spoken to her mum about it at all to see what she thinks is the issue?

I would go with a, if her parents are willing to force her to go. Sh will probably love it once she is there.

This is what I don't understand about some people on here. The almost gleeful need to force a child to go somewhere and do something. She is 13. She is definitely old enough to have a say in how she wants to spend her own holiday! And no, believe me, teens do not 'always love it once they get there', believe me often they are moody and ruin the holiday for everyone. No need to make everyone miserable for the sake of a power trip over a teenager.

As a SM I would go with A if all adults agree. At 13 you have a say but not a final say in my book.

She's hardly leaving her home alone at the age of 13 FFS!
You totally missed the point.
If it was the op’s child she would have no choice to stay at home due to both parents being away, so neither should her DSD.

I’d do B. But definitely give her the option to choose one last time. That’s completely fair

If you can afford to book and let her decide much nearer the time if she joins you or not, go with A. She might be much less indecisive and moody this time next year, and possibly even a pleasant mature teenager. They change so personalities so fast at that age. I think it's unfair to force her to make such a decision for so far in the future now.

C- There is no point taking a reluctant teenager way, I did this with DD and she sulked and was such a little madam I ended up sending her to my sister after a couple of days.

I see that I'm in the minority, but I think C. Unless it's silly money to add her later.

I like the idea of including her in the booking but not telling her that you've done so. It sounds like you are willing and able to afford this option.

If she ends up not going, is there another child you might then take in her place so the money isn't wasted? Do your younger children have a friend who might go, or do you have any nieces or nephews?

If it was the op’s child she would have no choice to stay at home due to both parents being away, so neither should her DSD.

From what the OP has said she has a blended family. Therefore if it were her own child in this situation she would have the choice of staying with her dad, assuming he's still around. Didn't miss the point at all.

@user1471582494 Why is she getting a choice? Because is is her holiday too! That's why!! And it is only right and fair that a person gets a say in where and how they spend their holiday! She is 13, she is not 5 years old!

Although I don't really think much of the idea of planning a holiday a whole year ahead when you have children and especially teens. So much can happen and they get a boyfriend and want to stay at home with him or she may break up with him and decide she wants to go after all. OR, she may decide she wants to do camping locally. So much can happen in a year. Planning a holiday a year in advance really only works imo if you're retired and have no children and have the time to yourselves and plan what you want. Having children means planning a year in advance simply is not really feasible.

Her dad should be telling her she is going not giving her any choice. Yes she will be moody and sulk half the holiday but that’s the reality of children between the ages of 13 - 16.
Personally I found those years harder than the baby years

B. It must be hard on her being the eldest. I bet by age 14 the younger ones won't necessarily be coming either.

@MyDcAreMarvel No, you're missing the point. She is not the OP's child. And hence, she has a CHOICE. Regardless, a teenager should always have a choice. It is her school holidays, after all!

How about setting aside the money you would have paid for her and asking her what she would like to do next summer? A theatre trip? A course during the summer? A couple of days away with her Dad? Some expensive hobby?

I say go for A. Only because I've a 12 year old and know how much of a sh1t she can be, but she sometimes feels really left out with her Dad and his partner & new (very cute) child. She complains & whinges about being dragged along to toddler activities when she is at his, but she cries when she talks about their holidays away without her (when she is with me). 13 is still so young, they are going through a confusing time - they are still children and want to be loved and included by everybody. If you can afford the financial hit by booking it for her, then (as a PP said) " tell her you have paid for her, because she is part of the family and you want her to be there".
You're absolutely got to make her feel included and part of your family. It's not about "power trips" - it's about thinking of the end-game, the bigger picture - of when she grows up she knows she's always been made to feel welcome by you. Even if she doesn't go in the end. Money well spent in my opinion.

@Fairyliz Why? It is her holidays, why should her dad tell her she doesn't have a choice? This notion that a 13 year old (14 year old then) has no right to have a say in where they go on their own holidays is bizarre. What sort of bizarre power trip are some parents on? She is 13 / will be 14 years old then. She has friends, a boyfriend, a social life. She is not 6 years old. She is in high school and old enough and able enough to choose where she wants to spend her own holidays. Smdh

She's not "just growing up." She's being ungrateful.

Option B. If she has a problem with it later, it'll be her problem - you'll have done your best.

(And P.S. - doing this sort of thing will save you/her a load of counselling sessions in the future!)

@Catandchicken That is a truly good idea. Unfortunately though, it won't find much sympathy on here. Some on here would never stop to consider what their child wants, or their feelings. There is an almost sadistic glee in the idea of forcing a child to go somewhere, I am sure people really enjoy doing this to children, almost as an act of vindictiveness. People here don't see a 13/14 year old teenager with a life of their own as people and human beings in their own right. They must be seen and not heard, and have no say in anything, certainly no say where they spend their own damn holidays, that they have earned after a hard term of studying at school!

I smdh just reading some of the bizarre stuff on here!

I'd want to think ffs and go with B, but in reality I'd go with A. My own DSD went through a phase of being difficult as she hit her teens but a lot changed within a year. I know it would be annoying to lose money if she still chooses in a year not to go but both you and she will be able to look back one day and know that she was never excluded.

Try and view it as an investment into her relationship with her dad's side of the family. If it happens again when you go to book your holiday for the year after next then that's when you can go with B because you'll have evidence then that she's serious and consistent about not wanting to go.

Totally agree with @midcenturylegs. Great post. You’re the adult OP and she’s the child. Please include her. A lot can happen in a year. Please go with Option A. Some things are more important than money.

I would go with B, but speak with her mum first and get her to have a chat with her DD to get her final answer. Your DSD is 13 and hormonal and as you say she has boyfriends and stuff going on. Maybe she's not long started her periods and is unsure how she'll cope with them if she's on during the holiday? You only mention her and your own 3 DCs, so I'm guessing she doesn't have any other full siblings? Perhaps she's feeling a bit pushed out, or maybe she just doesn't want to spend a full week (or however long) in the company of her dad and the blended family.

B - say to dsd 'we are booking this holiday tonight, this is the last chance to change your mind. If you don't then that's fine but we won't be changing it for you later down the line if you change your mind'

I would go with this, for two reasons:

1. 13 is plenty old enough to understand consequences. She says no now, it stands.

1. It will demonstrate to her that you and her dad are actually listening to her! You heard her no, and you took her at her word. You didn't try to override her decision, you allowed her to make the decision for herself. You treated her like her opinion and wishes mattered.

I think reason 2 is actually quite important.