Step child doesn't want to come on holiday...

[ladders1]

Looking to book next years summer holiday abroad. Spoke to teenage step daughter about it and she doesn't want to come....we've asked her more than once and the answer has always either been 'no' or 'I dunno'. We've sort of realised 'I dunno' really means 'no' but she doesn't want to upset her dad.

Now we have found a good deal and dh wants to it booked.

Dsd is adamant she doesn't want to come and we will be booking it without her. However she is a bugger for changing her mind.

So do we do/say:

A - we book it and include dsd.

B - say to dsd 'we are booking this holiday tonight, this is the last chance to change your mind. If you don't then that's fine but we won't be changing it for you later down the line if you change your mind'

C - book it without her and be open to adding her on if she changes her mind.

I don't really want to do C. It's going to cost more, it could be that we can't book her on and I also don't think it's setting a good example at all.

Anyone think of anymore options? We do want her to come with us so much however she's growing up and doesn't really like coming to us at all now. She would rather be with her friends which we understand. She moved away a couple of years ago with her mum - about an hours drive so it's not like she can just come and go as she pleases.

She is 13, nearly 14 and her 3 other siblings (who are all younger) are coming on the holiday.

But the holiday has been chosen with all kids in mind, and then stepdaughter says she isn't sure she wants to go (which I don't believe really, it's just a test I think to s how much you want her there). But anyway, whatever, the holiday is affordable should they all go and it's been chosen because they can afford to take all 4 kids... It just would be a nice saving if 1 doesn't go

No one buys a holiday now and puts down all the money. With a year to go you put down a deposit. That’s all they’ll lose, but have secured a place in case DSD (hopefully) changes her teenage mind

Where will she be if she doesn't come with you?
Are you sure their Mum will be willing to have her if you are taking all the others away?

Are you for real?
It’s a year away so her mum will have plenty of notice that her own child will be with her. It’s hardly something out of ordinary, a child being with their parent. If she isn’t willing to have her then she’s a pretty shit mum isn’t she?

Op, B is more than fair. You’re giving her the invite and the option. A you could be wasting money, and C you will be wondering for the next year if your dsd will be coming or not - most likely right up until the last minute. Don’t play that game, it’s either a yes or no now.

All teenagers are a pain in the bum 😂

You've done the right thing but I'd be keen to keep c as an option but I wouldn't tell her. A year is a long time at that age. She could well change her mind and I'd keep that option for as long as possible.

We do want her to come with us so much however she's growing up and doesn't really like coming to us at all now. She would rather be with her friends which we understand. She moved away a couple of years ago with her mum - about an hours drive so it's not like she can just come and go as she pleases

Have you say down with her for a chinwag and explained the above? Say exactly what you've said to us? Teenagers are an odd breed and if could be that she doesn't think you want her to come and it sounds like you really do! Would be a lovely holiday with all the DC there, but that said it's a tough one as if you force her to do something she genuinely doesn't want she'll be miserable, but if you book without her she could be miserable! Xx

For the people saying ‘A’, maybe the OP can’t afford to spend the money just in case the DSD chooses to come
You pick a holiday based on what you can afford for every child.

I know friendships at that age are important. But i struggle to understand how many social events she attends that cant be put on hold for a week. Admittedly at that age i was just knocking about the town centre going for milkshakes and maybe buying the odd glitter nail polish with my mates. Highlight of the week was maybe a swim.at the local pool and a bag of chips on the walk home??

Hi OP

I have been a step mom a long, long, long time. More than 30 years. Yikes. (I was not the OW, not even close.)

I had to navigate those early teen years and I can honestly say they were one of the hardest times in my life so far.

Both my step children are now lovely grown adults with their own children, my DGC. I love them all more than anything. I am pretty sure they love me too.

I would chose option A if it is financially viable. I understand the whole it is reasonable for her to make a choice, but heck, she is 13. They are so confused at that age. I'm betting that small gesture will make her feel good, in a way. It is a vote for her as part of your family, and wanted.

Just my two cents. Best of luck with it all.

The amount of posters who would rather drag a 13 year old on a holiday they’re desperate not to go on rather than just let them stay home with their mum is disturbing. I bet if those same posters were in the same situation they’d be moaning when the 13 year old is miserable during the whole holiday.

I think I was less than clear. If, when the time comes, she doesn't want to go, so be it as long as she is safe not going. What I meant is giving her the option for now might be worthwhile. No dragging kicking and screaming intended. The early teen psyche is a challenge. Best of luck.

Ask if she wants to take a friend (obviously they pay their share), if she says no I'd be tempted to do A because lets be honest she'll probably change her mind at some point

Helpme - I suspect she does want to go but at 13 you are testing the boundaries and she's probably trying to be a martyr about it the way kids that are so. "you don't want me to come anyway" blah blah blah.

Plus, doing A doesn't need to mean she goes regardless but that she has the option to go later if she changes her mind and she'll feel secure in her place alongside her 3 half siblings

I'd go for B.

Regardless, don't do C. If she says no, then she says no. Actions have consequences and she's old enough to understand that, you can't jerk people around changing your mind every five minutes.

Imagine if the OP did C and then the DSD changed her mind again and didn't want to go after all ! Such a waste of money, and the OP would probably not want to bring her on vacation ever again.

B is reasonable, though if possible I'd wait a few months before actually booking (without telling her) so that if she does change her mind there's still the option to bring her without spending extra money.

But once the booking is made that would be it for me.

Are people really feeling the rush to book next years summer holiday already?

Cant you just wait a bit? Book in January when theres deals on?

If you know the sticking point is that it's the first week of the school holidays, can you not look at towards the end of the school holidays, what with you having a whole year to sort it?

I can see how she might want the first week of school holidays just "chilling".

But waiting around to see what other friends have planned is never going to be an option, is it?

So if next year she discovers that friends will be away-too bad?

It's incredibly early to book for next year, she's 13 and lives in the moment - even asking her about next year is a bit ridiculous. Either book it and she has no option (fo check her other parent will back you on that one) or wait until nearer the time to book. It's not cheaper to book a year ahead, if anything the better deals kick in March/April.

I think you’ve made the right decision and it’s lovely to see a good discussion between her parents.

I think you should be honest about how good this holiday would be for her, though. As your children will have come post split, I’m guessing there’s a reasonable gap between her and them. So what you’re looking at is offering her a holiday with what? 3 kids under 10? How much is that REALLY going to be fun? Bound to be more geared towards the younger ones.

I really hope that her dad is arranging a 1:1 weekend with her.

I'm sorry but I disagree with waiting to book. We want to book now and we have done. We found a good deal at the price we wanted.

Not booking so a 14 year old can make her mind up on wether she wants a holiday abroad (which in mine and dhs view is a huge treat) is not setting a good example to her - that's practically the same as option C. We cannot let her think she can control dh and myself like that

She is well aware of how much we want her there and how we have picked a hotel that suits her as well as the other kids. She has had a lot of time to think about it, we haven't pressured her either way. There's not much else we can do

As a single mum of a 13yo I think I’d be encouraging my dd to go away with her dad and his family so, depending on the relationship you all have, you may have an ally there. Definitely speak to her mum.

OP I agree with you - my 2020 summer holiday is already booked as well. Why should you wait? DD16 was asked if she wanted to come and immediately said yes.

Is a huge treat though, really?

Is she going to get a good amount of time alone during the week with her dad?
Will the activities be based around the majority of the kids, who are probably quite a bit younger? (it’s not just the maths - 10 and 13 can be a world apart)
How much does she enjoy playing with her siblings?

I have an only child and holidays can be tricky at times - because of not having friends around, only adults. She’s 11 and as it’s just her we plan a lot of activities for her. But this amazing privilege to go abroad,.. actually for pure fun for HER - I bet she’d say the friend for a sleepover and day together at home last week was just as highly rated!

B, but definitely not C. She's old enough to know the consequences of saying no, give her one more chance but make it clear after that it will be too late.

@Ellisandra seen as it's the first family holiday we've had abroad in years then yes it is a treat! They aren't cheap and we are most certainly not made of money. So yes it very much is a treat.

Dsd isn't active, she wouldn't want to do any activities - she has already said this. She's the type that is never off her phone and spends hours doing her hair and make up. She's not one for wall climbing or jet skiing. However we have made sure there is plenty to do - great for shopping which she will love. That was a big one, she loves shopping. By a theme park which is great for everyone. On the beach. And the hotel has its own water park - again suitable for everyone.

People are saying how much will the holiday be catered for her....as long as it has decent WiFi she has said she wouldn't want anything else.

I'm getting made to feel now like we are bad parents for not meeting her needs on holiday....or booking it too early....or waiting around for her to decide when she's already said no way more than once...or not letting her bring a friend. As much as we sooo want her to come, the holiday isn't just about her. It's about all of us. We have made sure we are in a place that has something for all of us...dsd included.

We have paid the deposit, will be paying the full balance in the near future as we want to get it paid. We have booked for dsd and won't miss out on too much money if she doesn't come. We have not told dsd it's booked and will not be doing so. She has told us and her mum last night that she's old enough to make her own decisions now so that's what we are going with.

I would give her a few days to make up her mind, and if she still says No I would go for B, and have a discussion with her about holiday camps she might enjoy instead. I don't really understand why anyone would drag a grumpy, sulky teenager with them when the kid themselves has said they do not want to go.