Brother’s wedding

[Orla0502]

My youngest brother is living in the UK and marrying his partner at the end of the summer. We were all a bit shocked as he is very young and has no career but she seems nice and it is absolutely none of our business.
So they are marrying on a shoestring and inviting 50 guests. How they are arranging this is 25 guests each. Mammy and Daddy, me and my brother, our cousins BUT NOT my husband, children, sister-in-law and nieces and nephew.
However, she is including hers out of her 25.
My parents are beside themselves and offering money but he argues then she would have to increase her numbers. My husband has said it’s not what he would do but isn’t essentially bothered but my sister-in-law is in tears. When brother went over to talk to him he kept saying venue restrictions and every extra he had so would she and her parents can’t help with finances. He said he wasn’t prepared to leave friends out to accommodate siblings’ families. He stressed it was informal and getting married before they go travelling. What would you do?

Honestly, if it was me I really wouldn’t be bothered ... I don’t particularly like weddings and think whatever you do someone will be offended. In your place I would just go alone, whether your brother wants to go without his wife is entirely up to him but if he doesn’t want to go he can just send a polite ‘sorry, not able to join you’.

I'd suck it up, attend the wedding, wish them well and move on. If they;re on such a tight budget sounds like you'll be paying for your own drinks and there probably won't be much food anyway. in other words it'll probably be a bit of a shit wedding and It's not worth falling out over; your sister in law needs to get over it as she's not being singled out.

Sounds like your brother has prioritized his friends over family while his fiancee has decided to include more family over friends. It is what it is unfortunately

Are you in the UK too? I think I’d go for my parents but I’d know his feelings towards family and adjust my expectations accordingly

Seems such a little thing for your parents to be beside themselves? Surely their wedding, their choice. He obviously hasn't really bonded that much with his siblings wives and husband's.

I wouldn't go.

Sounds like they've both got a 25 guest limit and your brother has chosen immediate family only plus other guests whereas the bride has chosen all family.

Could be she doesn't have many friends to invite so is making up her numbers with family but at the end of the day sounds like it's your brothers choice on who he's prioritised

I thibk he is being rude. But at least be is being concistant. It tonight these not inviting spouses rude, but I'm not as outraged as some people. I'd still go. Maybe leave earlyish. Are his friends getting a +1?

It seems like they can individually decide who their 25 are. A friend of mine got married recently and her guests were mainly family and then 5 friend. Her husband invited his sister and rest were friends.

TBH I can see why he would invite his blood relatives and friends first before in-laws (I assume he is very close with his cousins?) and at least he is consistent with not inviting in-laws.

He isn't being spiteful, I would probably accept his decision, not very nice I know but it seems like he has his reasons, he doesn't really have a choice.

I can see why this would be upsetting for you all as your children and partner are your immediate family and I would be hurt if my sister didn’t invite my DP to her wedding. You say that he lives in the UK, how often do you get to see him and is he actually close to your husband and to SIL? If he isn’t very close to them and is very close to his friends, that does explain his decision somewhat.

I don’t know what your family dynamics are but my sister is not friends with my DP, they get on very well through me but she wouldn’t ever message him just to see how he was doing or meet up with him as a friend. Because of this, I would still go as he is not as close to her as I am and she has friends that she is much closer to than she is to my DP. If we were to split, they probably wouldn’t speak again and so his connection to her is a strong family one but a weak personal one (if that makes sense). It might be weird for me but it isn’t my wedding at the end of the day.

If they are marrying in church anyone can go, so I would all go to that and decline the after event. If in a register office, hotel etc I would go on my own to the actual wedding and leave before the event

It seems odd, but since no-one is being singled out, I'd probably just go with it. If that's how he wants to arrange things, what else can you do, besides just not going at all?

However, this definitely would affect how I viewed him, in future (though it sounds like he's very young and possibly a bit immature).

I would invite my friends (been in my life most of my life... Been there good times and the bad...) over relatives... Some who I've seen precisely 3 times, ever.....

My pals are the people who are important to me...

Different folk different choices

As weddings are all about uniting families, I would be loathe to go if he is prioritising friends.

I wouldn't bother inviting cousins myself, buff he's close to them he might consider them in the friends category.

Tbh you know they dont have a lot of money so there they decided to have 25 people each of there choosing. You're dbro has decided who he feels is most important to him you need to accept that. Would be totally different if they were having a grant wedding and over a 100 people attending.

I wouldn’t go either.

I wouldn't go either.

I think it’s a bit sad but I can see his point; if push came to shove then I’d rather my friends were there than my brother in law (although I’d never actually do it). I can imagine he’s at a time in his life where friends are more important than family and maybe in the future he’ll regret his choices. I wouldn’t lose the sibling relationship over it though.

OP (as someone who recently got married) it’s blatantly obvious that this is entirely your DB’s choice!

He COULD have worked siblings families into his numbers (like his finance is doing) but he’s CHOSEN not to! He wants to invite his friends - which is obviously fine as it’s ‘his wedding his choice’

HOWEVER, I hate the notion that getting married gives you a free pass to be an asshole! So personally I would make a decision for yourself (attend or don’t attend) and then crack on complaining with the rest of your family about it!
Feel free to give DB the extreme cold shoulder for a while and but him a truly terrible gift!

It’s actually kinda important that young people realise they can’t just do whatever they want and expect zero consequences!

Just accept it. Hopefully they will have a long and happy marriage so your SIL will be around your lives for all of your futures so it’s important she feels comfortable around you.

Perhaps you can arrange a family do at a later date to include everyone.

He clearly doesn’t value you and your family.

However, she is including hers out of her 25.

But that’s her choice to prioritise her family over friends.

her parents can’t help with finances.

Why should they? Are your parents helping with cost of wedding?

Let them be independent and have the wedding they want.

I would find it disgraceful to be invited to my brothers wedding, but not my husband and children. I wouldn’t go.

Are you Irish?

What they are doing is very different to what you are used to but it isn't personal.

Your SIL being in tears is an overreaction. They haven't rejected her because they don't like her, it's a number/finance thing. But it isn't what i would do.

There's an argument that people are entitled to the Wedding they want within a sensible budget.